Depression kicks in... feeling like a stone.

[Dog biscuit]

I've read about it many times on this board, the aftermath depression. I feared it, I fought it, but now I feel dead and flat inside.

It seems like I cannot let the grief out, the anger out, the hurt out, the shame I feel is intense. I dont know what to feel anymore.

The betrayal, the harshness of the truth I see so clearly now, the manipulations, the lies, the sickness of it all... . his former gf is dead, and noone is questioning it. They all see him as the victim.

Friends dont call, the love that was a lie, the isolation I feel, the silence I feel inside of myself, the sadness and the shame. I dont know how to feel anymore.

The cold and calculated acts I see now, my god, how stupid was I? How naieve huh? How stupid was I? All the confusion and the pieces falling togheter, making the r/s even more ugly and twisted.

I feel pure hate towards him, but cant act upon it, I feel rage but cant find a way to let it out. I calm everything up and dont know how to release or process all these feelings.

It feels like the hurt is getting worse in a backward movement. I dont know how to handle this, I dont know how to let it all out, anymore. It feels so futile.

[growing_wings]

Hello Dog Biscuit...

I am really sorry you are feeling like you describe.

You are not alone, and folks on this board know the pain you are going through. Pls feel free to reach out when you  need it.

This stage you are in, where you feel sad, is part of hte healing process. You have to go through it, and through the pain to get out, but once you are out, you will be able to leave all this behind.

Please be compassionate with yourself, dont be too harsh. Self compassion is critical to make your journey through this pain a bit less tough.

Do something: take all that understanding, patience , support & love you had for your exHwBPD and direct it towards yourself.

Take time to heal, Do not judge your feelings, feelings & emotions are just that, witnessed them without wanting to control them or judging yourself for having them.

stay well, and my thoughts are with you ... .

[Cumulus]

Hi dog biscuit, feeling like a stone is so aptly put, the very weight of being seems more than one can carry. You well described the feelings I had as well. How could we have been so stupid? I came to believe it is by our very nature that we were deceived. Our ability to love, believe and forgive. Our inability to understand that someone we love would with purpose and intent lie and deceive us in word and action. In the end though we can grow through this with a new awareness of who we are. That isn't stupidity or losing, that is wisdom.  Practise self love now, watch over your needs and wants and treat yourself with kindness and gentleness. Always consider your need for outside help either or therapy and meds.

[Dog biscuit]

Thanks Growing Wings and cumulus for your kind and wise words.

There is no taking the short cut to leave this all behind, eventough I wish very very hard that there is such a thing as a short cut trough this misery.

In some way I still feel very connected to my ex, connected in an emotional way, connected because I am in pain and disbelief, and anger and just everything! And like it was during the relationship, it is still sucking me empty and dry.

I have to let go of all the thoughts, the ruminations, the feeling of injustice, the feelings of betrayal, the feelings I have about everything that happend. The love I felt.  I have to let it go... . it's hard.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dy2EpHcBgfE

[heartandwhole]

I have to let go of all the thoughts, the ruminations, the feeling of injustice, the feelings of betrayal, the feelings I have about everything that happend. The love I felt.  I have to let it go... . it's hard.

Be gentle with yourself Dog biscuit.    If you can, just feel the sensations in your body, without labeling, "this is sadness, this is rage, etc."  It's natural for the mind to jump around like a monkey, but putting your focus on the physical sensations without judgement can really help.

This is difficult stuff, and you are doing good work, Dog biscuit.  Keep writing – we're here and listening. 

[Dog biscuit]

It's been 12 weeks out of the r/s now. Almost three months. The strange thing is that I feel worse and worse over time, instead of better.

What a ride it has been, I never expected this aftermath. The puzzle that became so clear over time, the FOG that lifted and made me see things so clearly and what I saw is so painfull.

I dont know how to find the turning point towards feeling up again. I lost a lot of friends, I lost the abillity to share my emotions with them, the isolation I feel/ I am in makes it worse.

All the anger and hurt is imploding inside of me, and I dont know how to get it out. I want to write and rewrite till im bleu in the face but I cant find the words, it all feels so futile.

This site is much about introspection, and owning your own part in the r/s, wich I understand. But I own my part, and owned it when I was in the r/s, there is not much more I can do.

I was fooled and played and couldnt have known his hidden agenda. Did I ignore the red flags? No, i did not ignore them, I just didnt act upon them in the right way, wich would have been walking out of the r/s sooner. But then again, if I left sooner than I did, I would not have seen the full toxicity of his behaviuor and would have been hooked still. It took me the 2 years to fully see what was happening, there was no other way for me to fully see and realise how disturbed it was.

So the thing to learn for me, is to trust my intuition better, and act upon it. If something doesnt feel right, it isnt right for me.

My approach has been to talk about my concerns and the red flags I felt. To start a converstation about it and check if my feelings were right. And thats where he found the space to manipulate/play me.

I am not sure how to approach this in a different manner, because I feel like i did the most healthy thing by checking if my intuition was right. Not only with him, but I checked it with friends also. I dont know what I could have done better or what I could have done differently... . it was only to late when I realised that the group of "friends" possibly wasnt that healthy either.

I feel so powerless, small and stupid. I feel stuck in the same cycle of disbelief and hurt, not knowing how to turn the tide.

I lost my part time job yesterday, so everything is crashing down right now.  :'(

How did I ever get to this place in my life where everything is so low and miserable? I feel awful.

[Dog biscuit]

Im in a downwarth spiral, and dont know how to get out of it. The isolation I feel is slowly killing me on the inside.

Excuse me in forehand but Im just going to write, and try to find some solace in it.

I feel like i have been placed in front of a gun, and he pulled the trigger. I was blindsided and couldnt have known that it was a gun he was putting me in front of, and that he wanted to pull the trigger on me.

How can someone be so sick, how can someone get off on hurting someone they "love"? I believe the siucide of his exgf must have been the greatest gift to him, instead of the drama it really is.

The longer I feel down and unhappy, the longer I feel like he is still "feeding' off me from a distance. My silence on the social site we share must give him some idication of how I am doing, and I hate it. I consider leaving the site but I dont want to give him that satisfaction. At the same time it still keeps me connected to him, eventough I am not active there for now. I blocked him there but I am sure he has his way to check upon my profile there.

Should I care? Do I care? Yes and no. I dont want him to "feed"of my misery, and the longer I stay silent there the more obvious it becomes. I was very active there for more than 7 years. I wrote something daily. But I dont know what to write anymore. If I write about what I am going trough richt now he will feed of it. If I dont write something about what I am giong trough right now, I feel like a fraud and I will send mixed messages to my "friends", and minimize the danger he is in that community.

Why do I bother?

[Surnia]

I am so sorry, Dog biscuit. 

That you lost your job, and that you are feeling worse over time.

Do you have a real good friend or a family member near you?

[Dog biscuit]

Thanks Surnia... . your response makes me cry. No, not really. :'(

I have had some tough times during my life, but I cant remember ever feeling this trapped.

[Surnia]

((  ))

Its really a lot coming together in your life right now.

There will be a way out of this trapped feeling, dog biscuit!

Its okay to cry about all this.

[growing_wings]

Hi Dog biscuit

I am sorry you are feeling trapped and in a downward spiral. THis is tough stuff... cry and cry as much as you need. this might have got to the core of you and you feel the vulnerability of it. I have read that in order to push yourself up, we might need to hit rock bottom, you will reach the lowest but that will give you the ground you need to push yourself back up. You will be better, you will recover.

The longer I feel down and unhappy, the longer I feel like he is still "feeding' off me from a distance.

although above might feel true for you, it is OK to feel down and unhappy, this is YOUR process, is not about him anymore, so dont batter yourself more by thinking he is getting hte benefit of this.

let him go. is the most healing thought for me... . and I am far from healing myself, but everytime i feel i am losing grip or hope, i just imagine i let her go, it hurts like hell for a bit, but then i have a sense and a feeling of being calm... .

you are not alone on this.

Be well, let the feelings happen... . be aware of them and then, let them go. for your own good.

this is what i do... i still cry a lot... who cares if i do... .

[Dog biscuit]

Thanks Surnia and Growing Wings for your kind support and soothing words. 

They resonate inside me.

Losing my PT job is a real downer and this morning I had a really hard time processing it, with all the other stuff thats been going on lately.

Luckely I could shedule an appointment with my T and the conversation with him got me back on track again. These boards (and the people on them) are amazing and a true blessing.

Thanks again.

[growing_wings]

Thanks Surnia and Growing Wings for your kind support and soothing words. 

They resonate inside me.

Losing my PT job is a real downer and this morning I had a really hard time processing it, with all the other stuff thats been going on lately.

Luckely I could shedule an appointment with my T and the conversation with him got me back on track again. These boards (and the people on them) are amazing and a true blessing.

Thanks again.

this site is a true blessing indeed. glad things ended up better for you.

[Surnia]

Good you are better today and that you could make a appointment with your T!

[Dog biscuit]

While reading the boards this morning I see how I'm stuck in Negative self talk and feeling unworthy. I believe the feeling of being unworthy, unloveable, is my core hang up in the aftermath of the break up.

It rips open an old deep wound, that was allready there before I met my ex. In a way he mirrored the believes or doubt I have regarding my selfworth. He gives an external cruel voice to an allready exsisting cruel voice thats inside of me. Thats whats keeping emotionally attached and hurt by him.

In a way you can say he is the embodyment of a former trauma that took place in my life, the feelings are the same.

In a way he is saying: You are unworthy of my love, you are unworthy to be treated well, you are unworthy of reciprosity, unworthy to be respected and cared for.

Hmm, where did I hear this before huh? I know where i've heard this before!

Part of me believes this to be true, otherwise it wouldnt impact me the way it does these days.

Do I believe I deserved or caused any of this cruelty? What are my self doubts in this regard?

I blame myself for being to vulnerable, for being to open. I should have protected myself better. I shouldnt have let him get this deep inside of me.

Thats the part I struggle with, and I blame myself for that.

But it is the best I know how to love... . to really let someone inside.

He used to say I made him feel so safe, so secure... .  and its true, I have the abbility to make people feel safe and secure. Is it a wrong trait?

I nurtured him after the suicide of his exgf, I sheltered him. I made him feel safe, I was his safety blanket. It was what I could do at the time, with all my heart.

How wrong it was in hindsight. Arghh, but I coulndnt have done it any differently.

I have to find the point where i can forgive myself for letting this happen to me.  :'(

[heartandwhole]

Oh Dog biscuit,

I'm sorry you are feeling so low.  It can be so difficult to feel these things, and I can really relate to your feelings.

Please be gentle with yourself.  You didn't do anything "wrong." Being vulnerable and open is the only way I know how to love, too.  It might have been better for me to wait a little longer in my last relationship, but I did the best I knew how at the time, and so did you.  Now, we can learn new ways.

This pain you feel is not telling you that you did something wrong, it's telling you that there is a strong belief in your life that you know isn't true.  This is truth knocking at the door of your heart.  And it's there to help you know yourself and love yourself more.

Big hugs to you.  

[growing_wings]

I nurtured him after the suicide of his exgf, I sheltered him. I made him feel safe, I was his safety blanket. It was what I could do at the time, with all my heart.

Hi Dog biscuit,

I have followed your story and i can try understand the pain you are going through... .

I think you are gaining a lot of understanding on your past and how this might relate to today. you are seeking for answers, you are progressing... . keep moving.

I can see you are blaming yourself alot , dont, be kind and gentle with yourself. See what you posted that i quote, can you direct all that nurturing, sheltering to yourSELF? and provide a safety blanket for Dog Biscuit?

Give yourself a hug and honour the fact that you walked out of the dysfunctional relationship, and you had the courage to stand for your ground, even if is excrutiating... .

stay well 

[janey62]

Hi Dog biscuit,

I see you've been going through a tough few day, and also that you came up the other side a bit and started to try to think more clearly and look at why this all happened.  You are so strong.  You were really struggling and see what you did!

The one thing I would say to you is that you've no grounds for blaming yourself for anything... . you might feel like kicking yourself and feel stupid, I know I did when I realised the position I'd put myself in, but blame is not helpful and you don't deserve it.  You've been through enough.  Let yourself off and be kind to yourself, the rest will happen in time.

I am pretty sure that anything you did you did out of love and trust.  That's not wrong, those are good qualities and will help you in your recovery. 

I've been having a bad few days too and felt really low and cried a lot and felt the pain.  It sucks!  But it is also part of the healing.  We have to go through the pain to feel better. 

I think at this point all we can do is trust the process, and trust the wisdom of these amazing people here.   

Stay strong and let yourself feel... . it's gonna be ok.

Janey xxx

[Grey Kitty]

Here is a way to look at what you did in the past.

You were open and vulnerable to somebody who took advantage of you.

The result was painful. You don't want a repeat of that. Remember both the thing you did right and the thing you would do differently next time, instead of beating yourself up.

Being kind, loving, open, and supportive to somebody else is a a good thing. Caring for somebody who had an exgf commit suicide is a good thing, and your motivation and desires for this were good.

I hope you are still the sort of person who would do this... . for somebody who is more trustworthy.

 GK