6 months apart, 2 months NC - why do I feel so low now?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I don't know what's happened to me.  I was doing so well ... . or so I thought.  I've been feeling happy most of the time and keeping busy doing things I enjoy.  But for a few days I find that my exBPDh has been on my mind more than ever.  This morning, I am back to feeling depressed and crying.  I haven't been like this for months, why now?  I just keep thinking that I want him back.  Although, I think a large part of this is not wanting him, but wanting him to want me.  My main wish at the moment is that the replacement would dump him so that he would be feeling like he made me feel.

Has anyone else been like this?  Is it usual to suddenly have such a drastic setback?  What can I do to get back on to an even keel again?

[Popcorn71]

I don't know what's happened to me.  I was doing so well ... . or so I thought.  I've been feeling happy most of the time and keeping busy doing things I enjoy.  But for a few days I find that my exBPDh has been on my mind more than ever.  This morning, I am back to feeling depressed and crying.  I haven't been like this for months, why now?  I just keep thinking that I want him back.  Although, I think a large part of this is not wanting him, but wanting him to want me.  My main wish at the moment is that the replacement would dump him so that he would be feeling like he made me feel.

Has anyone else been like this?  Is it usual to suddenly have such a drastic setback?  What can I do to get back on to an even keel again?

[dansure]

Replace 2 months NC by 3 month NC and were are pretty much in the same situation. 

I did well as well but these days I start to feel depressed as well and I also think about her a lot.

It's probably because of the Valentines Day and also because you get to read here that many of them try to contact you after 6 month but ours apparently don't.

[Popcorn71]

It's probably because of the Valentines Day and also because you get to read here that many of them try to contact you after 6 month but ours apparently don't.

Yes, you are right.  Valentines day didn't help.  I keep thinking about how this time last year we had just split up (yet again) and he was begging me to give him another chance.  How things have changed!  I gave him that chance and a few more and then he suddenly changed his mind and went off with somebody else.  Where was my chance when I asked him?

I will try to make it to 3 months NC but it will be hard.  He is frequently being seen around and as we know lots of the same people, I am constantly hearing about what he is doing.  I will never be able to forget if everyone keeps going on about him.  Apparently, he is always asking people about me and only has good things to say about me, which is not good for me to hear.  If he likes me that much why is he with somebody else?

Thanks for replying, I feel very alone at the moment.

[dansure]

I keep thinking about how this time last year we had just split up (yet again) and he was begging me to give him another chance.  How things have changed!  I gave him that chance and a few more and then he suddenly changed his mind and went off with somebody else.  Where was my chance when I asked him?

I can so relate to that. It was pretty much the same for me. She would break up with me (I think around 10 times in one year) and ask me to take her back and I did it every single time. Then the last time she suddenly hated me, didn't want to hear anything from me and ended up with a new guy. When I called her to ask to meet up in order to get talk things out (before she started dating the new guy) she sometimes didn't even pick up the phone.

But you know what? We should probably be happy that the didn't give us another "chance" (to be abused), because otherwise we would still be in that unhealthy relationship.

I will try to make it to 3 months NC but it will be hard.  He is frequently being seen around and as we know lots of the same people, I am constantly hearing about what he is doing.  I will never be able to forget if everyone keeps going on about him.  Apparently, he is always asking people about me and only has good things to say about me, which is not good for me to hear.  If he likes me that much why is he with somebody else?

Me and my ex studied in the same program and are now both doing our master degree at the same school. Thus there are also quite a few people that we both know and in the beginning they were giving me updates on how and what she is doing. And even though she told me that she thinks I want to kill her ( ) I also never heard that she talked talked bad about me (it's just not here thing). But let me give you some advice. Tell people to not update you on what he is doing (it really doesn't help at all) and also don't think it means anything that he is not talking badly about you.

In my ex case I know that she doesn't do it because gossiping is just not her thing... . however only because she doesn't SAY bad things about me it doesn't mean she doesn't FEEL them. Thinking back about how she treated me during and after our break up and what she told me back then it doesn't matter if she talks bad about me or not NOW. The things she said to me should be already enough to never wanting her back.

[Popcorn71]

Your story, as with many others on here, are so similar.  They must really have some kind of handbook or something.

By the time I asked my ex to talk, a week after we split, he was already involved with the new woman, although he didn't admit it then, he just ignored me.

The hardest thing, is that he has told me and other people, time and time again, that I did nothing wrong and he was happy with me.  He blamed my son as being the reason for us not being together as they had major problems with each other.  I know this is an excuse but it would be much easier if he was horrible to me or about me, because then I think I could hate him.  As it is, we didn't really have problems between us and got on well most of the time.  That makes it very difficult for me to keep in mind the 'bad' side of him.

I must remind myself that things are the way they are because this is best for me.  The relationship WAS unhealthy and I am just remembering it in the wrong way.

[Cumulus]

Hi popcorn, your last post made me smile a bit with chagrin. I am almost three years out of a thirty five year marriage. I recently posted about the marriage being 85% good and really what more does any one want, perfection? For me the difference was in what was good and what was bad vs the same in a healthy relationship. The bad was emotional abuse and it took me a long time to see that pattern. It was brief, although repeated times of emotional put downs, situations that created anxiety, alienation of friends and children by repeated verbalizations of their perceived misbehaviours in his eyes. There were some pretty dramatic situations over the years that would end with his pleading to me for forgiveness, that he was sorry, would not do it again, that I deserved someone better than he. So I would forgive and we'd be back in the "good" times again. But because he would use personal revelations against me when angry I shut down and learned not to share. I anticipated events and situations that would cause him to be upset and would avoid those situations if I could and would coach out children how to respond to him as well. That took a lot of my emotional energy and eventually wore me out so at the end I no longer knew who I was. I had become the appeaser trying to keep everyone around me calm so I could keep my xBPDh lifted up.

So yes there was many good times, he brought me flowers, he opened doors, he told me I was an amazing woman. Yet I couldn't trust him, he caused alienation between me and family and friends, I couldn't open myself to him because it could be used against me. He used me up without ever giving back. Yet to outsiders looking in we looked like a great couple with a great life. So yes it can be hard to remember the bad side, it was probably what I struggled the most with but what I see now is that the "bad" side is who he really is just as much as the good side. He was able to be the good man because he knew that is what society expected, did he want it for himself as well? I don't know.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi popcorn-

I don't know how long you were together, but 6 months isn't very long; at 6 months I was angry as hell, raging, would have ended up in jail if the wrong person said the wrong thing at the time.  Remember the stages of grieving are bargaining, denial, anger, depression and acceptance, and they are not linear and don't have to be in that order.  The point is what you're feeling could be a normal part of the detachment process, you decide, and it's important to feel everything without creating more wreckage or straying from your resolve.

His 'niceness' now if the push/pull nature of the disorder: too close and he feels engulfed, loses himself and control, and pushes you away, too far away and he feels abandoned, or more accurately abandonment, has nothing to do with you, so he kisses your butt and tries to get you back.  And then maybe when he's not triggered by you he realizes he likes you, so he says nice things to other people.  Unstable self of self, all of it unsustainable regardless of how good it feels in the moment.

My take is your son was a threat to him and his control.  Standard borderline is to isolate you from everyone and assume control of your life, the motivation being to make sure you won't leave him, which he's convinced you will, he was convinced of that before he met you, because everyone leaves, not in reality maybe, but in the replaying of the trauma that created the disorder in his head.  Your son being in the picture could have been Triangulation and changed the dynamic, so at times he may have felt ganged up on, a loss of control, therefore a threat.

Mine lives 2000 miles away now so there's no chance of me 'running into' her.  It would have been more challenging for me to have her closer as I detached, but that can actually be the good news.  Mine contacted me many months after I left her and I had gotten my feet on the ground a little and learned about BPD by then; her self aggrandizement and attempts at manipulation were transparent and disgusting by then, and ultimately pathetic, and that experience confirmed my decision, cemented my resolve, and actually helped me detach.  See if any of that is true for you, how can his current behavior help you?

[myself]

Grieving takes time, we can't get to it all at once. We may never finish. Feelings come and go. There is much to face in the breakup of these relationships. It's hard to let go of what we think we need, even when it's proven harmful to us. Our hearts hang on the most, because that's where we love.

[geesunday]

I went through something like this but about 4 months after NC.

Here is my perspective on why I felt like this.

I was worn down, emotionally, physically, financially etc after the break up and going NC was a way for me to begin pulling myself together again.

After those 4 months had passed I had regained quite a bit of my strength again and my ability to think about myself and feel my emotions fully again came back at that time. And in that state I was able to look back again when before I had simply been going forward just to survive.

So that's when I really experienced a bunch of the emotions but at a much stronger intensity because before then I was exhausted.

Shortly after, I almost reached out to her because I couldn't remember how bad the bad times were. I remembered them but it was like remembering a movie that I no longer felt any emotional impact from. All the meltdowns, threats, crying jaggs and stuff she used to pull didn't seem bad at all to me at that point and I thought I would easily be able to handle it a second time around. But I understood I was thinking this with the benefit of having regained a lot of my energy and resolve and that it would soon be wiped out again.

I didn't get back in contact and soon everything began to settle back down. It was like going from one extreme of exhaustion to another of being re-energized and then finally balance.

[Popcorn71]

I anticipated events and situations that would cause him to be upset and would avoid those situations if I could and would coach out children how to respond to him as well. That took a lot of my emotional energy and eventually wore me out so at the end I no longer knew who I was. I had become the appeaser trying to keep everyone around me calm so I could keep my xBPDh lifted up.

So yes there was many good times, he brought me flowers, he opened doors, he told me I was an amazing woman. Yet I couldn't trust him, he caused alienation between me and family and friends, I couldn't open myself to him because it could be used against me. He used me up without ever giving back. Yet to outsiders looking in we looked like a great couple with a great life.

You just described my life!  I have to remember the bad times.  The good wasn't worth the bad - I have to remember that.

[santa]

I'm in pretty much the same boat. We've been broken up for six months and no contact for two as well. I've been having good days and bad days too. You've just got to stick with it and trust that the BPD relationship was no good for you. Stay the course and don't look back.

[janey62]

I think part of the problem here is that we forget how bad it was, but also there is a tendency for us humans to be over optimistic.  Google 'human optimism studies' and have a read.  Science suggests that we consistently underestimate how bad things could be for us in the future.  I also think that we think we can handle it because we've forgotten just what it was like.  If most women realistically remembered how painful pregnancy and childbirth were they would never have a second and third baby!

Essentially we're in a bit of denial and so if thoughts of our ex pwBPD come up, which they probably will do, either triggered by us or the ex's proximity, then we tend to think of the good and whitewash over the bad.

If we want it enough we can convince ourselves or anything!  

When I was trying to give up smoking, while going through the bargaining phase, I convinced myself that the medical profession had some sinister reason for lying about the fact that smoking killed people... . and I would tell myself that I really liked it... . I realise now that the addiction to nicotine was telling me that I liked it.

Perhaps we are addicted too, to this insane relationship.  When we look at the cold hard facts, the relationship was abusive and we were tricked into believing that we were loved and cherished above all else, that somehow this, the connection we felt, was unique and incredibly strong.  We were in fact just being used by someone who didn't love us, they needed us to make them feel better, to combat their unbearable emptiness, and we were expendable... .

I think it's essential to work on really detaching, rather than just going cold turkey... . Giving up a thing because it's bad for us is all very good, but what happens when we start to forget how bad it was?  Unrealistic and optimistic thoughts start to creep in again.  I reckon the whole process probably takes about 6 months!  And if you don't know it was BPD, then a lot less, more like 3 months (in my case anyway). 

I know in my field (addictions treatment) when we do relapse prevention with clients we get them to revisit the bad times, in a safe environment.  Realistically examine what it was like and keep it alive, so that the rose tinted glasses can't come out.  We also encourage people to find something to do which they enjoy and is fulfilling and self esteem building.  Do something that fills the void in a creative way.

Sorry, going on a bit here.  I'm only 10 days in so this is a bit moot really.  I hope I pass the 6 months test... .  

Janey xx

[Popcorn71]

I don't know how long you were together, but 6 months isn't very long;

We were together for 9 years so maybe I am expecting too much too soon.


My take is your son was a threat to him and his control.  Standard borderline is to isolate you from everyone and assume control of your life, the motivation being to make sure you won't leave him, which he's convinced you will, he was convinced of that before he met you, because everyone leaves, not in reality maybe, but in the replaying of the trauma that created the disorder in his head.  Your son being in the picture could have been Triangulation and changed the dynamic, so at times he may have felt ganged up on, a loss of control, therefore a threat.

My son was definately somebody he couldn't control and he hated that.  As my son got bigger and stronger, he got worse and worse in his treatment of him.  I believe that eventually, my son would have been the stronger one, and then there would have been real trouble!  It has been said to me that instead of my son being to blame for us splitting up, that my son actually 'saved' me.  I am beginning to see that this is true.

See if any of that is true for you, how can his current behavior help you?

His current behaviour makes me feel physically sick.  I can't understand how he could switch off from loving me and 'love' another woman straight away whilst still telling people how wonderful I am.  That sickness helps me understand that as well as mentally, he was actually physically unhealthy for me.

Thanks for your explanation of things.  It has helped me to think things through.

[Popcorn71]

Grieving takes time, we can't get to it all at once.

Maybe I am just too impatient?  Talking on here helps me to realise things like that.  Thanks

[Popcorn71]

I was worn down, emotionally, physically, financially etc after the break up and going NC was a way for me to begin pulling myself together again.

After those 4 months had passed I had regained quite a bit of my strength again and my ability to think about myself and feel my emotions fully again came back at that time. And in that state I was able to look back again when before I had simply been going forward just to survive.

So that's when I really experienced a bunch of the emotions but at a much stronger intensity because before then I was exhausted.

Shortly after, I almost reached out to her because I couldn't remember how bad the bad times were. I remembered them but it was like remembering a movie that I no longer felt any emotional impact from. All the meltdowns, threats, crying jaggs and stuff she used to pull didn't seem bad at all to me at that point and I thought I would easily be able to handle it a second time around. But I understood I was thinking this with the benefit of having regained a lot of my energy and resolve and that it would soon be wiped out again.

I didn't get back in contact and soon everything began to settle back down. It was like going from one extreme of exhaustion to another of being re-energized and then finally balance.

You describe exactly how I am now.  I am in much better physical shape that I ever was when I was with him.  I have lost 28lbs and look 10 years younger.  I have more pride in my appearance and much more confidence and energy for life in general.  I must not waste any of this on him!

[Popcorn71]

Santa and Janey - Thanks for your encouragement.  I must stick with it and get through this bad time. 

[fromheeltoheal]

His current behaviour makes me feel physically sick.  I can't understand how he could switch off from loving me and 'love' another woman straight away whilst still telling people how wonderful I am.  That sickness helps me understand that as well as mentally, he was actually physically unhealthy for me.

BPD is an attachment disorder, and attaching to someone in an unhealthy way, fusing of psyches to "complete" himself since he doesn't have a self of his own, is priority one for a sufferer.  Combine that with emotional immaturity and a lack of ability to achieve true emotional intimacy and we can understand how emotionally shallow the relationship was.  Switching off to you doesn't mean he's over it, it means he has let go of that attachment in search of a new one, while still trying to retain some attachment with you, since the more attachments the sufferer has the less chance of being completely abandoned.

The good news includes the fact that the relationship is just as shallow with the new gal, although she might not think so because borderlines are experts at putting forth attractive facades and parroting someone "emotionally available".  Also, the fact that you're feeling physically sick could be proof that he was never who you thought he was and could never give you what you really want and need, so it's better that he's gone so you can heal.  I got physically sick for about 3 months after I left her, my shoulder was so sore I couldn't raise my arm, no physical reason, a psychosomatic response to PTSD so says the docs.  Some educations rattle us to our core, and I'm glad I got mine, all my priorities are different now and I feel like I've matured several years in a year, the gift of the relationship.  Take care of you!

[Pinoypride18]

I went through that, but im still only 3 months into the breakup. I am usually in a good mood, not so depressed anymore. But i do wake up sometimes really sad.

And valentines didn't help. I spent a lot of time thinking back while the thoughts of her and the replacement made me cringe. Just knowing that she is desperate and has no limits makes me wonder all the things she is or could be doing. I know i shouldn't be thinking about that but the breakup hasn't been that long yet.

[geesunday]

I was worn down, emotionally, physically, financially etc after the break up and going NC was a way for me to begin pulling myself together again.

After those 4 months had passed I had regained quite a bit of my strength again and my ability to think about myself and feel my emotions fully again came back at that time. And in that state I was able to look back again when before I had simply been going forward just to survive.

So that's when I really experienced a bunch of the emotions but at a much stronger intensity because before then I was exhausted.

Shortly after, I almost reached out to her because I couldn't remember how bad the bad times were. I remembered them but it was like remembering a movie that I no longer felt any emotional impact from. All the meltdowns, threats, crying jaggs and stuff she used to pull didn't seem bad at all to me at that point and I thought I would easily be able to handle it a second time around. But I understood I was thinking this with the benefit of having regained a lot of my energy and resolve and that it would soon be wiped out again.

I didn't get back in contact and soon everything began to settle back down. It was like going from one extreme of exhaustion to another of being re-energized and then finally balance.

You describe exactly how I am now.  I am in much better physical shape that I ever was when I was with him.  I have lost 28lbs and look 10 years younger.  I have more pride in my appearance and much more confidence and energy for life in general.  I must not waste any of this on him!

That sounds a lot like me when I felt sadness and began replaying the relationship in my mind. My self esteem was much better and I felt optimistic about so many things and had largely gotten back to where I was when I met her.

So I was surprised that I had a hard time remembering how bad things were. Another pull for me was my ego and thinking maybe I could jump back into the fray and steer things right in a start over.

But I had to sit with that feeling for awhile and I wrote it out about best case scenario and it still ended up with me losing all the progress I had made. When we broke up, she moved on very easily so I kept reminding myself that her problems weren't mines to begin with and she was perfectly capable of taking care of herself when she wanted to.

[Popcorn71]

I wrote it out about best case scenario and it still ended up with me losing all the progress I had made. When we broke up, she moved on very easily so I kept reminding myself that her problems weren't mines to begin with and she was perfectly capable of taking care of herself when she wanted to.

When I think about the best case scenario, I realise that it would be me looking after an old man in a few years time.  This old man would probably have isolated me from all friends and family and would be more and more demanding and less and less pleasant as he becomes less able to do all the things he enjoys doing.  Our financial situation, although comfortable, would have been worse than it was and the income would have been from me rather than him, giving him less power there too.  Also, at a time when I would probably have young grandchildren to enjoy, I would have been expected to put him first and 'choose' him in just the same way he tried to make me choose him over my son.

  That does not look to be a very good and happy life to me.  I have to keep remembering that I am better off without him!

Thanks for making me think.

[janey62]

That's good Popcorn, you're head is back in the right place... .    

I go round and round the same cycle of feelings and thoughts.  I can't quite believe that we are over, we seemed to fit together in so many ways, like a long lost twin!  We were friends, he made me laugh, he made me feel beautiful, he was kind and generous and giving, and then he wasn't, then the ground opened up underneath me and I fell through into hell!   and then we went round again. 

Whenever I start to think about how much I miss 'us', the fear creeps back in.  At the moment I only have to scratch the surface of the memories, of his shark eyes when he was drunk and looked straight through me, of how he was so testy all the time about my dogs, every little sound would make him complain, my son too... .  

I hope in 6 months time to be able to remember, and if not I'll do what you've done, ask all of us for help to remember.    

You don't want some old man making you feel crappy about yourself, draining you of all of your light! 

xx Janey

[tango1492]

I'm 6 months apart and 3 weeks NC. I think about him daily and miss him. I still wonder who he's dating and if he's found someone he feels as much connectin with as he did with me. I'm not BPD, yet I felt that "fusing of the psyches" feeling iwth him-- that soulmate connection-- or so I thought. I really have no idea what to believe. Did he we really have a genuine deep connection or was it all just his disorder? Could he fel that with anyone? He did date someone for about 3 months after we broke up. He said he didn't love her, had no intimacy with her, and claimed that he missed me and still "ached from his core". He claimed he feared he wouldnt' be able to fall in love again because he wasn't over me. I don't know what to believe. I just know that I'm hoping it will get easier with time. It seems like after 6 months of being apart (even though we have had contact as recently as 3 wks ago), that I should be more over him than I am. We only were together 19 months.

[tango1492]

Hi Janey,

I know the feeling. Mine made me feel beautiful, was kind and genreous, etc. But he also drank too much, had anger issues, was jealous of my 8 yr old son, etc.

I still find it hard to believe he didn't actually love me though. There seems to be a mixed consenus about whether BPD people can really love or if it's all just illusion and porjection. My ex has seemed to have a difficult time getting over me as well.

There seem to be a lot of mixed messages about what BPD is. I mean, if a pwBPD can simply reattach to someone else easily and quickly, why would they also recycle and seem to have such a difficult time getting over someone they said they loved deeply?

[Popcorn71]

I still find it hard to believe he didn't actually love me though. There seems to be a mixed consenus about whether BPD people can really love or if it's all just illusion and porjection. My ex has seemed to have a difficult time getting over me as well.

There seem to be a lot of mixed messages about what BPD is. I mean, if a pwBPD can simply reattach to someone else easily and quickly, why would they also recycle and seem to have such a difficult time getting over someone they said they loved deeply?

That's the hardest thing for me too.  I really felt so loved by him.  Surely it would be impossible for him to have pretended for 9 years!

BUT I am starting to understand that they don't love like we do.  They recycle because they cannot be alone and there is nobody else available for them to attach to.

I had the same thing with both my ex husbands.  They left me and came back several times.  Then in both cases, they lined somebody else up and left me for the final time.  They were able to cope then because the replacement was a distraction for them.  In both cases I heard nothing from them but they seemed to get a kick out of me trying to put things right with them.  With my first exh, he tried to recycle after a few weeks when he realised the replacement was pregnant with another man's child.  All of a sudden his own pregnant wife (me) seemed to be more use to him.  With my second exh, he is still with the replacement 6 months later.  I don't know if this is through choice or fear, because he would be in a lot of trouble if he dumped her due to the strict ways of her culture and ethnic group, but he still seems to be keeping a connection with me through friends, etc.

I don't think it us that they 'love'.  They just 'love' whoever is there for them at the time.

I remember when we were having problems, my exh told me that friend of his had asked him if he still loved me.  He had replied 'Of course I do, she's my wife'.  That to me, says that he 'loved' me only because I was his wife and he was supposed to love me - not that he really truely loved me for being me.

It is hard to understand this, but I am sorting it out in my mind now.

[janey62]

I've just been reading another thread which led me to a post which explained a lot to me about all this.  I'll share it with you.  It's very long but makes very interesting and enlightening reading.

It was written by a member called 2010:



'In some relationships, the idealization phase is the partner being in lonely child stance and the Borderline being in abandoned child stance.*Both need saving* Both need attachment to stave off the pain of being alone.  This is one type of bonding seen in this community.

In this bond, both people bring core trauma to the relationship. Mirroring reenacts the earliest childhood experiences to rise up and emerge into consciousness.

In idealization, there is a dual identification and projection for both people that they have found a perfect love- however, one partner (the “lonely child”) does not yet realize that the other partner (the abandoned child= Borderline) has no whole self- and is utilizing a fantasy of a part-time good in order to fuse with the partner's part time good and become one.

The lonely child has spent much of their life becoming “one.”  When a lonely child finds an abandoned child, both parties feel needed. However, rather than truly loving the individuality of both parties- the sad, fantasy aspect of mirroring magnifies the unhealthy *needs* of both people.

When the lonely child begins to question the reality of mirroring (reality testing) this raises core traumas into activation concerning both the questioning (uncertainty) and the hope (unfulfilled expectations) of the unrealistic attachment. "Lack of inherent trust" is found in both parties at this stage.

Reality testing causes the lonely child to pull away because certain things don't add up- as you say, "the idealization phase slowly erodes."

Pulling away, even while in the lap of comfortable luxury- triggers the abandoned child issues of the Borderline. This causes panic reactions of clinging behaviors by the Borderline to prevent the retreat of their desired love object. These immature demands can look like entitlement to others, especially to a lonely child, who has learned early on to be self sufficient and to self soothe- but the entitlement markers are highly charged and emotional to a Borderline, which isn’t Narcissistic grandiosity- it’s ego deficiency and panic.

The entitlement phase brings a hidden "angry and aggressive child" out from hibernation and into full view and this usually occurs when the lonely child least expects it.  The angry child that emerges is pissed and has delusions of persecution that are ideas of reference from earlier childhood trauma. It’s at this point that the angry child (Borderline) will become enraged and try to cast off shame.  They may attempt to harm himself/herself in order to scapegoat the lonely child- who unwittingly stands-in for the earliest attachment.  This triggers the lonely child's trauma from their earliest attachment as well.

The Borderline wants so badly to be whole that they demand that the lonely child create wholeness for them- which the partner succeeds in doing early on but then relaxes. The Borderline temper tantrum, with its ideas of reference being so very childlike and fantastic, perceives the relaxation of the partner as though the attachment is split up. In order to cope, the Borderline must now find another part time perceived good object to self medicate the emotions of feeling badly from the split.  If this cannot be accomplished, the surge of limbic fear concerning anger and abandonment causes such great pain that self harm is often inflicted for relief.

The lonely child is often very surprised by this. The anger and dysregulation are in contrast to what he/she perceives are necessary for the circumstances. (The lonely child fails to see need disguised as "love."  Therefore, the lonely child seeks to understand the Borderlines ideas of reference concerning "love" in order to cope with the neediness and begins a line of questioning.  The Borderline retreats.

Lonely child is "understanding driven" and gets drawn into the Borderline acting out. The lonely child now has a mystery- the Borderline dilemma of "who am I?" This is very likely the same way that the lonely child came into existence as an “understanding driven” child. Especially when he questioned the motives of his earliest attachments during infancy and adolescence.

The lonely child *understands* the need to be held, loved and understood – because that’s what he longs for in others. The lonely child feels that in order to deal with acting out of the Borderline- the lonely child must project the aura of grace, compassion and understanding upon the Borderline and also guide, teach and show the way- because after all, that’s what the lonely child would want someone to do for him. There was a large reason that the initial mirroring (of this fixer /rescuer ego) worked so well in the idealization stage- the relationship really WAS the projection of lonely child that was mirrored, not the deficient ego of the Borderline.

In the "upside down" world of the Borderline, the lonely child is the perfect attachment to fuse to and the hypersensitive Borderline is the perfect mystery for the lonely child to try to understand.  This is the reactivation of a childhood dynamic- that forms a needy bond.

The Borderline is a perfect template with which to and identify with as a good object and also one to invest in to feel better about the “self.”

The understanding driven lonely child "imagines" (projects) onto the Borderline what he/she feels the Borderline identifies with. The lonely child often fills in the blanks with projective identification and the Borderline attempts to absorbs this- but it's impossible to appear as a self-directed person while taking cues and mirroring another self directed partner.

The Borderline scrambles to keep up with what is projected in a chameleon like manner.  All of this pressure to adapt and conform to the projection smothers and defeats the Borderline’s yearning for a perfect bond and triggers engulfment failure. 

Engulfment also means loss of control, annihilation fantasies and shame.  Shame activates the punitive parent that resides in their inner world, their psyche. The attachment failure has now become shame based for the Borderline.  It will soon become guilt driven for the lonely child partner.

Engulfment makes Borderlines very frustrated and angry- but Borderlines fear abandonment and choose to stuff away their fear and compulsively attempt to manage their pain. The impulsive gestures are a form of self harm that fixes the bond in a permanent chaos of action/reaction. 

Borderlines can be avoidant and passive aggressive and will do everything in their power to hide their strong emotions until they implode.  They swing wildly from abandoned child to angry child until they deflate into detached protector- who is basically a mute that doesn’t speak- or worse, speaks in word salad when confronted.

The swinging dysregulation pattern is unable to be separated and individuated and self directed. Because it cannot be self directed, it cannot be self soothed. There is no ability to defer these emotions to logic and reasoning with introspection *without* another person to blame.  This is where Borderlines are showing you the maturity stage at which they are developmentally arrested and remain stuck and frightened.

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Devaluing is the BPD going into the punitive parent role to switch up the control ~ control was relinquished in the idealisation phase so we will attach. The further along we get in the rs ~ the BPD then feels like we are the persecutor for their failing part time self ~ devalue. Devaluing is more about projection ~ because there failing self makes them feel woeful, scared, fearful.

We all have punitive parents that exist in our heads. This is our Superego.  The criticism felt by both parties exists as guilt and shame inside our heads. This tape plays over and over and is a re-working of former traumas. It is also a huge part of what makes complementary traumas so attractive as binding agents to each other.  The lonely child has the “tyrannical shoulds” while the abandoned child has defectiveness schema- together they interact and drive each other crazy.

The understanding driven child cannot fathom how another human being does not have a “self.”  The understanding driven child has had much childhood experience with strong selves and has created a self to understand the motives of others. Lonely children have a need to have some sort of control over their destiny because so much was out of control in their childhood.

The Borderline’s idea of destiny is being attached to others for protection. The Borderline cannot fathom what it means to have a stand alone “self.”

Both parties are human “doing” for others rather than being- but there is more impulsivity in Borderline in the “offering” of themselves as objects.  (The lonely child is very particular concerning who he gives his heart to and makes decisions based upon careful consideration.)

The failure to find a healthy mature love activates the punitive parent in both people’s psyche- one for persecution and the other for failure to understand others (cloaked in rescuing behaviors)- this is the “flea” of each others psychiatric trauma that really is a very strong obsessive bond, and one of endless victimization for both parties unless one or the other becomes understanding driven toward self direction.  Guess who has the best chance?  Unfortunately, the mirrored good that the Borderline provided was a very strong drug- and the obsession is outwardly projected (as it always has been) by the lonely child in order to understand and consequently, control it.

It’s at this point that spying, engaging in testing and push/pull behaviors occur as both parties fight for control. Each pours salt in the others core wound.

The understanding driven child tries to understand the Borderline and the Borderline feels misunderstood and persecuted. The understanding driven child retreats to repair their ego and the Borderline lashes out and tries to shame him. The pendulum swings back and forth in clinging and hating and disordered thought and chaos. 

The lonely child tries to uncover what they think the Borderline is hiding from them (triggering bouts of paranoia) or missing (creating dependency issues.)  The angry child threatens to destroy the relationship (as well as themselves = self harm) which triggers immense anger and outrage for both parties. Their love object is broken.

Both parties are in pain- and their egos are easy to "pinch" because they both fear abandonment.   At this point, both core traumas are exposed and the partners are no longer interacting with each other except to arouse each other’s trauma wounds from childhood.

The false self of the lonely child, that the Borderline mirrored, has more ego- as it is directly tied to a “self” which involves coping mechanisms from childhood that mirrored back good.  It was a self that was capable and seeming to have all the answers in the beginning.  When the Borderline tries to destroy it as a failed attachment, it begins to crumble and the lonely child retreats and tries to repair it- essentially wounded to the core. This is also part and parcel of the injury of the smear campaign- and the lonely child may try to return to defend the "self" from being attacked.

Trauma for the lonely child occurs mainly because of perceived failure they cannot “understand” enough (essentially an obsession at this point) and trauma for the Borderline occurs because of anger and abandonment and shame that existed since infancy- and persecution by their inner parent superego for not becoming whole. 

At this point, both parties feel like failures.

Unfortunately, the repair for the lonely child’s self consists of trying again to fix the Borderline "mirror" to reflect the good.  Many attempts will be made by the lonely child (once again) to effect an outcome other than the failed attachment.  The lonely child will try to re-build the self and get the love object (Borderline) to return and resume their compliant mirroring.

Eventually, the fantasy begins to unravel for the lonely child, that they are alone- and the person that the lonely child fell in love with, (the person in the mirror,) was actually YOU.

Who really is the Borderline? Someone who needed you for awhile because they were scared to be alone.

They’re still scared. Forgive them if you can- they are modern day recreations of their own childhood fears.

Now- after reading all of this- You can’t keep going back for more trauma.  Thought The trauma bond must be broken.

After we've let fantasy go- we can turn the focus to healing.  It's good to wonder what our attraction must have been to this person. Whatever clues you have are generally good enough to give you reason that you’ve had experience with this type of personality before- perhaps within your family of origin.

Stop yourself from thinking that you’ve never been treated so poorly before this relationship. When you catch yourself saying you can't believe it. Stop and think. Chances are- you’ve just chosen to repress a few circumstances from childhood that were traumatic. Now the feelings are back on the surface and you’re going to have to address them.

Introspection involves a great pain. Let those feelings come up. Journal your thoughts when you feel anxious. Learn about yourself. We must address the pain from our childhood that has been left unresolved for too long. We cannot escape from pain if we are to have personal growth- and you've got to get this relationship out of the way in order to get at the real hurt.

Radical acceptance comes when you realize that what was mirrored really wasn’t you- it was what *you wanted others to give to you*   It was <<Understanding.>>

Try to give that to yourself.'