My nonBPD brother wants LC with me

[Somersby]

I'm just feeling a little sad tonight, as my nonBPD brother and his wife seem to have decided they want to go LC with me. My sister is uBPD and focuses all of her rage and jealousy on me, and no one else. Consequently they are associating me with all the drama as they are sick of dealing with it all. In a way I can understand this, as every special occasion, holiday, etc is usually ruined by my sister sulking or raging at me. So I am part of the reason that we never enjoy these occasions.

My SIL and I have argued recently, she is a loving person in many ways but can also be cruel and judgemental if you don't fit in to her expectations and wishes. She has recently been trying to support my sister and be her friend. I tried explaining to her that my sister is jealous of my friendship with my SIL, and would probably come between us. This has been a constant pattern since childhood. If I had friends, my sister would belittle me in front of them. This sounds so silly but she is unable to "share" a friend with me - if someone likes me she automatically assumes they hate her. My SIL has also been angry with me because I have dietary intolerances, and she believes I am making it all up - just to be difficult. She gets angry when I can't eat MacDonalds with them, or can't eat the processed food she cooks.

So all the past drama plus the recent argument has made my brother and my SIL decide they've had enough of me. They are still supporting my sister (reluctantly). I am just sad that I have no way of explaining to them that most of the drama is not something I have control of - if I try then I'm just causing more drama. They both acknowledge my sister has a mental disorder, however because I am part of the problem then they now want little to do with me also. They will talk to me if I contact them, but otherwise I don't hear from them.

I realise this is probably a self preservation thing, and they are trying to reduce the impact on their marriage. I just feel it is so unfair that I am losing my brother because of my sister. Just another thing my sister has taken from me. And the worst part of it all is my sister is aware of what's going on, and she's loving it!

[itsnotme]

I am sorry to hear that. It seems pp like us are always getting the short end. Maybe it's better to have the LC and to make it on your terms. Maybe they will see how difficult your sister really is. True colors always show in the end.

It also sounds like your sil wants control of everything. You don't need that in your life. You're not married to her so you don have to put up with it. Keeping lc on your terms just might be the very best thing for you as you get to the next stage of this crazy BPD thing. There are so many obstacles that get in the way and then add extra family drama, that just keeps us from getting better and enjoying our lives. We get consumed with other things, how to please other pp etc that we forget to live OUR life the way we want. Some of us are so damaged that we don't even know how to live our lives.

Take care of you hurt feelings for today, but for tomorrow move on to bigger and better. I've come to realize that it's okay not to talk to family members. There are hundreds of thousands of people out there in the world who don't talk to their family members and that's okay.

[redroom]

I agree with itsnotme.  People will start to see her true colors.  It may take a while, though.  This reminds me of a situation I'm dealing with with my family. 

My mom is the one who's uBPD, and she's painted me completely black (my sister's the golden child, and young, but coming to her senses about who my mom really is).  A few relatives are starting to see that I'm not the horrible, awful person my mom makes me out to be.  It's taken a while, but they're starting to come around. 

There are also a few who just don't get it, or haven't gotten it yet, and that's unfortunate.  But there's nothing I can do.  I have a few of them on facebook, and I'll "like" the cat pictures or compliment them here and there, but no more than they would do for me.  I don't keep after anyone, but I do let them know that I exist and I don't care about the drama that my mom's causing.  If they have a problem with something I do, they either need to bring it up to me, or it doesn't exist to me.  If my cousin (one person who falls for it) is upset with me for "ignoring" my mom (and he is... . ), but doesn't mention it to me (and he hasn't... . ), then I'm going to assume that all is well and good!  I'll deal with my relationship with my cousin outside my relationship with my mom.  If he goes low contact with me because of my mom, that's his problem.

It's normal to miss these people, but people will figure out that something's not completely right with your sister, or they'll turn out to be into the drama the your sister causes.  My cousin and a few others are like this, and you have to watch out for people like this.  They don't (or may not) have BPD themselves, but there are a lot of people out there who thrive on drama like that.  Your SIL may see exactly what's going on, and may enjoy sticking her hand in the pot, so to speak.  My cousin's exactly like that, and even tries to innocently make it worse (e.g. "Have you heard from Redroom?  Omg, she hasn't called you?".  I've learned to keep my distance from him.  I'm friendly, but cool. 

Your brother probably doesn't want the drama and sees this as the easy way out.  But your sister's true colors will shine through.  Maybe having this separation (are you low contact or very low contact (VLC) with your sister?) will be what he needs to see who your sister truly is. 

It's sad that your own brother and sister treat you like this, but you can only do what you can do while keeping your dignity intact and not making things worse for yourself.  But going VLC with the three of them may give you some peace, or at least a nice break, from your sister's drama.