But what still makes me so mad is this: I didn't start out as a judging voice. I started extremely patient and affirming and the opposite of all that engulfment stuff. But then it becomes a "convenient" self-fulfilling prophecy for him: he pulls away due to irrational engulfment fears even before I ever "insinuated myself" into his psyche, I then chew him out for that abusiveness, and he turns around and takes that confrontation as "proof" that I really am engulfing or as a justification for continuing to run or waffle.
UB, I’m with you on this. No one intends to get involved with disorder. But many people do intend to stay and then try to fix what they feel is wrong. So, in this instance we can clearly see *bargaining* going on.
When you look through the lens of understanding on this, you’ll see the only thing that bargaining (fixing) does is prevent your own abandonment (and subsequent depression that occurs from letting go of the outcome.) Bargaining is an exchange of control in a relationship. Chances are you’ve been this way for much of your time with him, especially concerning his back and forth with a third party and you waiting in the wings.
Bargaining creates passive aggressive communication which really doesn’t fix much of anything, it just makes things stagnant. Stagnant means there is no personal growth possibilities, for either party. It's a dead stop or pause.
The person being acted upon or “fixed” is passive. They have already said they feel defective (otherwise they wouldn’t need fixing) it is obvious that they are approval seeking (otherwise they wouldn’t be asking for advice) and now they have gone silent out of fear of doing things (your way) wrong.
The person doing the action “fixing” is aggressive. They are trying to heal the passive person’s defectiveness without triggering their own defectiveness i.e, the persona of fixing has failed.
The fixer persona is waiting for the passive persona’s silence to end (and waiting while nursing the need to get everything. Just. right. The sooner the better…)
Perseverance needing reassurance, wanting perfection and waiting for a turnaround in a timely manner. The fixing persona has placed their life ON HOLD to get this done but needs results and feedback, because this is about action, not inaction. You can see where this is going with a person that already feels defective. Persecution.
Waiting for the silence to end can be TORTUROUS to the fixer, so an extinction burst usually happens (a few times) that makes the passive person withdraw further. Both parties have a simmering, boiling caldron of hostility for each other but the one who blows is almost always the fixer. The fixer forces a response- because he has to. His compulsive need is found in aggressively fixing and doing, not passively waiting and “being” because this is about the fixer’s identity and the need to fix which is
a modern day recreation of an old, archaic conflict from childhood. The same can be said for a person with BPD. Each has triggered the other’s archaic conflict.
Again, no one intends to get involved with disorder. But many people intend to stay and then try to fix what they feel is wrong with another human being because <<it’s their compulsion>> to do so to ward off their anxiety and fear of being abandoned.
We may think we have all the answers for other people, the reality is that we haven’t been concerned about our own reasons (stuck points) and are choosing instead to engineer the future of an entirely separate human being, one who is telling you they are confused and unsure about life. That’s a coping mechanism for anxiety for both people concerning their life choices and there’s a reason for each person doing that rather than feeling their own pain.
Much of these questions of “why does he do that” should really become “why do << I >> do that?”Your reasoning that he will “be alone” is really a projection of your own fears. This is also a very “all or none” statement that props up the need to DO in order to prevent that fear of BEing alone. You’re concerned for his being alone but what about you? Being alone means suffering through the loss of an attachment, which up to now has been a back and forth push/pull of bargaining energy that prevents your own abandonment.
You see, it’s much easier for you to concentrate on fixing another human being than to be alone. This prevents depression and keeps you locked into anger and the compulsion to bargain away while keeping your life on hold and secretly seething and pushing for a resolution.
So while it’s a fine quality to help others figure out their stuck points and subsequent disordered thought, it should only be after you’ve figured out much of your own.
OK, I’m abandoned. What now? Does he expect me to wait?You are already inside his head as a punitive task master. There is nothing that will change about that if you continue to remind him that you are waiting in the wings for his return. Any further suggestions of how to contact you (do’s and don’ts) are really proving his point about you. There is no further obligation to each other. Letting go of the outcome is necessary.
What will happen if I let go?You will leave the active (doing) stage of bargaining and enter into the inactive stage (being) of abandonment. If you have a compulsion to fix- it will be like a part of your identity has de-commissioned. This will involve a very scary identity crisis and depression and will be very painful, but it is a process that is life changing and if you don’t get too scared, you will emerge with greater clarity about who you were and who you are.
The pain you will feel will pass. Some days will be bad, others will be better. You may feel like isolating. That’s OK. One thing is for certain, you are no longer going to be a *child of wait.* This former relationship has put your life on hold. That has gotten you nowhere. You are going to suffer through the urge to call this person and carry on like you did before. The outcome of all of this pain means that you’ll reemerge later with surprising clarity of what you want and what you don’t want in life. You will no longer be put on hold again.
What if someone else comes in and takes my place and starts fixing him?You can count on it. The easiest way to resolve this fear is to understand BPD is a “pattern.” Therefore, look back rather than into the future. The past has your answers. Find the person who you took the place of. Realize that you have ended up no differently from their outcome. Now, look ahead. Your replacement will bring their own compulsive needs into play just as you did. And after them, another person, and so on... . Remember, people with BPD are very good at meeting new people. In time, you will too.
This is a disorder- it was meant to teach you about yourself. It’s not within your ability to control the outcome. Your greatest lesson of your entire life is ahead of you in abandonment depression. It is the most important thing you will ever do in your entire life. Feel it and trust that you will survive it.
Abandonment depression:Yes, it’s a real thing. All mammals go through it. Depending upon your family of origin, you may not have successfully accomplished abandonment depression due to neglect or enmeshment. Being a “child of wait” is a good example of neglect and an incomplete abandonment depression. The “wait” is a stuck point. Now, this failed relationship has brought this up to the surface and you are fighting like hell to feel it. You’ve done whatever you thought you could to prevent the feelings from surfacing but they’ve got to come up if you’ll only let go.
Denial: Anger: Bargaining: Abandonment: Depression: Isolation: Clearing: Acceptance:
Look where you are. In bargaining. You’re halfway through already! Let it happen. It is painful and horrible and all the things that people fear, but abandonment may be the greatest accomplishment you will ever make in life. But first, you’ve got to respect being on your own. You can’t stay with another person in denial, you cant stay in anger and you cant stay bargaining every little thing in hopes that your life will be better in the future. You cannot place your life ON HOLD anymore. You must be alone to figure things out.
BE yourself. BE honest with yourself. BE understanding that you will get through this. You will emerge with a profound understanding of yourself, I promise you. Abandonment will allow you to let go of your outdated and maladaptive coping mechanisms until you learn to ACCEPT yourself just as you are. And isn’t that what we all want? Acceptance? You’ll only get it after you’re abandoned. You will survive.
5 months out and the emptiness is still there. I'm doing all the right things and I still don't see a positive outcome in the near future. The desire for sex or hopes of finding a partner that I will feel the same about are nil. I honestly can not imagine ever feeling happy and in love again.
Don't men to hijack thread but wanted to respond to this.
