Ex still wears jewellery I gave her

[adesc]

I strongly suspect that my ex has BPD and would like to hear what others in the same position make of her still wearing a couple of necklaces I gave her. We split up recently after just three months together because she claims to no longer having feelings for me. She has always done things to push me away though, even at the beginning of the relationship, and since I brought it up with her while we were still together has acknowledged doing so. She says, however, that this wasn't why she broke up with me, but can give no tangible reason as to why she did. The exact same thing happened with her previous boyfriend after roughly the same length of time and she also admitted the same had occurred in all of her past relationships. There are many other reasons I suspect she has BPD, but to get to the point, would her wearing the necklaces indicate that she does in fact still have feelings for me? Although I don't believe she's lying I do think that her feelings have been repressed so as not to have to deal with her intimacy issues and their underlying cause, that being her father's abuse of her mother as she was growing up, as well as the alcoholism he's since overcome. One of the necklaces is just a cross that I'd had for years, that alone I wouldn't think too much of, but she also wears a locket I had made especially for her with a lock of my hair inside and a gem stone that has a significance to our relationship. She also took both off when we broke up which further adds to my suspicion.

I hold no hope of us reconciling. Despite still caring for her I wouldn't wish to as I know it wouldn't work, but I would like to try and make sense of what happened between us to get some closure and be able to move forward.

[love2give]

When I read the subject of your post I almost fell off my chair.  On our first date I asked my now exBPD where she got the necklace she was wearing.  She said her ex gave it to her (I knew him).  I asked how she could wear it knowing that to which she responded by saying it has ZERO emotional meaning to her she just likes the look of it.

Well I expressed how I didn't think it was right.  She wore it until I bought her one for her Bday. She gave the old one to her moms.  Fast forward a year.  She broke up US with no good reason, doesn't responded to my messages but I can ASSURE you she wears the two necklaces I bought her, the $200 boots, the braclet I got her that she LOVES and many more gifts she easily accepted.

Thinking back she was very proud of her 17 inch laptop that another guy she met online bought her.  She saw him a few times for about a month but she said nothing happened cause she just didn't feel it for him.  When he bought it for her she says she refused but he insisted  . 

I have thrown out pretty much everything she has bought me including some of the food she put in my fridge (rarely).  Oh and the Jacket she bought me for Xmas that she was SO proud of, gave it to the poor so there is some homeless person walking around with a nicer jacket than the one I wear daily.  Im happy for them.

The way she treated me I don't need her gifts.

I wish you well

[In_n_Out]

I don't know if this is common to BPD or if this is some other "trait" that my ex has, but she will collect and hold on to momento's from her ex r/s's.  She has some candy thing that a guy gave her in HS! (she's 43).  Hate to see what it looks like inside.  She had a box full of stuff from this one ex that she was really attached to.  We were moving in together and I'm moving this big box that has his name all over it.  I asked if she could please "let go".  She said that she tossed it but I never really knew what she did with it.

In many of her last emails she talks about having "this" and "that" around that I had given her and how she cries thinking about me and those things.  That was a couple of months ago and I'm sure that I've now been "boxed".

When we first started dating (is it really 'dating'?), she had an incident where she told me about a stuffed animal that she had as a child that meant the world to her.  She had given it to a guy that she had a brief r/s with (all of hers were 'brief'.  Like an idiot, I agreed to lend her my car (she had totaled hers) so that she could go to his work to ask if he would return it.  Hello  !  I thought it odd but she was so convincing about how important that was to her and since it seemed so important, I thought it important enough to lend her my car.  Dumb.

So, forward to our final days.  She lays this idea of "waiting 6 months for us to both 'heal' and then we will meet again and talk to see where we are at".  "Sure!" says stupid I. So we are having a last goodbye at her place and she promptly asks me to wait as she runs inside.  After a few moments, she comes out with this little plastic kids toy.  She wants me to have it; that it was hers as a kid and it means a lot to her.  Knowing the issue with the stuffed animal before, I see the pattern here and realize that this is like the final kiss goodbye in the "Godfather"... . the kiss of death.  I refuse it and tell her that her memories are what I will hold on to (cursed myself there!).  Well of course the 6-month thing was a farce, she's was with my replacement then and she's still with him now.

To your point; I know that in the case of my ex, they hold on to pieces of "you" by holding on to material things that were yours or were given by you.  My guess is that they are holding on to the idolization period momento's and not thinking of "you" per se but of what you *could* of been for them.

[NoCRV]

I gave my ex some jewelry.  If I had to think about it I would assume she would wear it still and if I thought even more I pretty sure she wears them with no emotional attachment to me.  It's just jewelry to her doesn't care who got them for her.  

[Cimbaruns]

I bought countless gifts for my ex, even an expensive painting in a gallery of an artist she adored... . while on our honeymoon... .

All I ever got was "that was so generous of you". It was her favorite thing to say, other than that I believe it held no other meaning to her... . it was a material possession, and I don't believe it held any other special meaning to her. She was truly like a child after they open gifts at Christmas when they're 5... . a quick acknowledgement then on to the next!

Trying to make sense of how they act and think is pointless!

[Cimbaruns]

Oh yes... .

And she always wore jewelry from her ex all through our r/s... . and I'm sure they were given to her as a special gift... .

I think she just thought of them as things she liked... . no thought given as to the giver may have given them out of special love for her... .

Crazy I say

[Ironmanrises]

A pwBPD does not properly detach from the ending of a relationship(no grieving) and does not properly attach either. My exUBPDgf has not returned any of my expensive cloths/shoes/cologne that I left in her house after she discarded me for the second time. Any one else would have long ago, especially if that person was the one to leave(or at least make a concerted effort to do so). This was ABHORRENTLY absent with my exUBPDgf. Is it no wonder that my stuff hasn't been returned(7 months NC)? Would explain why she still wears the jewelry you gave her.

[adesc]

Something that made me think it's more than just nice jewellery to her is that she can be quite sentimental, not unlike how some of you have mentioned, and neither of them are particularly expensive. She also seems to have them on 24/7 as she did when we were together, despite having plenty of others she could wear instead.

I asked her why she'd wear them both after taking them off when we broke up and she said they mean a lot to her. It seems to me that certain people with BPD can be so sentimental as they're aware of what they're doing on some level, perhaps only partially or even subconsciously they realise they push others away, and not because they want to but because it's too difficult to deal with their problems and move forward in a relationship.

[Waifed]

I gave my ex some jewelry.  If I had to think about it I would assume she would wear it still and if I thought even more I pretty sure she wears them with no emotional attachment to me.  It's just jewelry to her doesn't care who got them for her.  

They are aware and logic from reading about BPD says that it is special to them in their own way but who knows for sure. They are all a bit different. I bought my ex a nice purse, furs and sunglasses. She lost the sunglasses (supposedly) and never used the other items. Of course I also furnished her home. Sucker!

[Findingmysong723]

When my Ex and I were breaking up he complained that all my gifts (Christmas and Birthday) were not sentimental gifts but gift cards... . he didn't give me examples but I know what he meant. However, one of my gift cards was for Amazon so he could buy a book he kept talking about getting but didn't have the money for. Then the other was for a massage that he wanted to get for years, so these gifts came from a good place. I would of loved to sing a song for him since I love singing and music is such a special thing for me, but hey he had hurt me too much to express my feelings to him in that way. I did make him a cake for his birthday, it was the first cake I ever made... . I think he did appreciate it but the month of his birthday was never a happy time for us, we broke up both times a month after his birthday month and the last time on his birthday month.

I think my Ex boyfriend was sentimental, I know he saved these from past relationships. He probably through it out by now but when we we went to a concert together, we bought a drink to share, it was ridiculously overpriced so we complained about that but decided to do it instead of water. My Ex saved saved it for at least 6 months after, I remember opening the cabinet and finding it there and saying you "saved this," I told him it was sweet. I bought him a bunch of gifts over our on and off relationship, that lasted about a year an half. There's a part of me that's like ha, you have reminders of me around... . I don't think he'll throw them out but who knows.

[Tausk]

Hard to say for sure.  

Maybe because you liked it, she thinks it will help attract a new man.

Or maybe she wears it to remind her or you, of how much she liked you, or how much she hated you.  

Or maybe she wears it because she's forgotten you already.

Or maybe she wore because it was snowy, or rainy, or sunny, or because it was a full moon... . ?

All are equally plausible unless you know the specifics.  And the truth is that she might have put it on for a reason and then completely forgot why by the time she was out the door.

It's a Disorder.  

You might as well be asking why does a bag lady mumble?

[free-n-clear]

 You might as well be asking why does a bag lady mumble?

    Bag ladies mumble because their BPD has driven everyone who ever cared for them away, leaving themselves as the only person left to talk to.

[adesc]

Anyone else care to speculate on this? Still quite puzzled by it!