how to handle self-harm

[bustedstuff]

Hey y'all

my BPDgf doesn't typically self-harm, but over the last few months she has done it twice that I know of, and just the other day told me she had the urge to cut. It came out of nowhere- she is out of town on a trip with friends and we were texting, having a normal conversation, when suddenly she tells me she really wanted to cut. I wasn't entirely sure what to do or say. I told her not to, of course, and asked her why she felt that way. She told me that if she could find a razor in the bathroom, she was going to do it. But we ended up talking about why she felt that way, then she stops texting back, which obviously concerned me. I called her and she didn't answer. A few minutes later she texts me to say she was downstairs drinking and smoking with her friends again. I have no idea if she ever did anything, I figured it was best to not bring it up again.

The other two times that I know of, she told me about immediately afterwards. The first time she wouldn't let me come over to look at it (she was supposed to be coming to my house when she did this, told me she thought she cut too deep and it wouldn't stop bleeding, which obviously worried me). Eventually she cleaned herself up and came over. I don't remember what was said about it.

The second time, after she did it, she asked me to come over and take care of her, so I did. She had me put on Neosporin and bandage it, and then held onto me and cried into my shoulder for a good while. She also asked me to kiss it to make her feel better, which was really strange to me but I did it anyway and didn't let on that it made me uncomfortable. I don't remember what was said then either. I just know I made sure to be non-judgemental.

These incidents were all pretty isolated, the first two were closer together than the last one, which was two days ago. Prior to that, it's been months since she'd said or done anything relating to self harm that I know of.

My question is, how exactly do I talk her out of it when she is telling me she WANTS to cut, but hasn't yet? I'm not sure how to approach it without either invalidating her feelings or feeling like I am validating her behavior. And what am I supposed to say when she comes to me afterwards? I have the same dilemma there with not knowing how to correctly word what I need to say.

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[earthgirl]

Bustedstuff,

I'm sorry you've had this experience.  My uBPDh has cut several times (both following a big argument with me.)  If she hasn't cut yet, maybe you can try some validation regarding her feelings (not necessarily the behavior)... . acknowledge her fear/sadness/emptiness whatever, how difficult it must be, and then suggest an alternative, as opposed to an outright "no."  I understand that holding an ice cube in one's hand is recommended by some therapists as an alternative, with some good results. 

[bustedstuff]

I'll try to suggest the ice cube thing to her next time it comes up, thank you!