The Waif, The Hermit, The Queen, and The Witch: Have You Met Them?

[GeekyGirl]

The Queen is controlling, the Witch is sadistic, the Hermit is fearful, and the Waif is helpless.  Each requires a different approach.

It sounds like a list of characters from Grimm or Once Upon A Time, but they're also descriptions from Christine Lawson's book Understanding the Borderline Mother that describe the behaviors of many mothers with BPD.

Does any of these descriptions remind you of your BPD mother?

The Waif Mother

Frequently victimized and evokes sympathy and concern from others. She projects her feelings of helplessness and victimization onto others. She has trouble articulating her needs, is unnecessarily apologetic, and is easily embarrassed.

Message to her children: Life is too hard.

The Hermit Mother

Terrified of not having control and avoids groups and is guarded with others. Only her children and closest confidantes are aware of the severity of her distrust and insecurity.

Message to her children: Life is too dangerous.

The Queen Mother

The Queen is driven by feelings of emptiness. She looks for special treatment to compensate for being emotionally deprived as a child and she feels entitled to invade the boundaries of others and take what she needs.

Message to her children: Life is all about her.

The Witch Mother

The Witch emerges when the mother and child are alone, and develops a sense of pride when she controls or elicits a response of fear from others. Few mothers with BPD are always Witches, and some are never Witches. The Witch can hide as a Waif, a Hermit, or a Queen and only appear to be a Witch only to those who trigger her rage.

Message to her children: Life is war.

What do you do to counter these behaviors? How do you take care of yourself?

[sarielle]

Run Run Run

Hide Hide Hide

Shoot Shoot Shoot

I just want to say that I experienced my mother in all four versions and an additional version.

"The colonel". This requires absolute obedience or often group punishment.

There is no requirement that anything make sense - the barking of the order is enough.

In the same way as new recruits are broken in the army to re be rebuilt as soldiers, here too the child is broken. The colonel is able to put his troop on show when ever he demands (obviously perfectly). This is a masterful trick so that the observer can be mislead to see a show of strength.

The message to the children is "You are nothing - I am everything".

Here is one "funny" example of how this would manifest. Most were not so funny but I myself can laugh at this one.

When we went on family holidays to the beach, she would have us line up (we are 3) and rub suntan lotion on each other in tandem and then turn around and rub each other on the other side.

Has anyone every seen this kind of scenario - EVER? I am sure Grimm must have such a character somewhere in his scary childhood tales.

[pink_heart44]

I was unfortunate enough to see all three in my mother. She was always raging or playing the victim. It was horrible to grow up with. I always thought that it was me or something that I did. But the more I tried to make her happy the more she got upset.

Finally I got strong enough to move out on my own and distance myself from her. I needed to gain my independence. It is a day by day process though trying to deal with her unpredictability. 

[GeekyGirl]

It's not uncommon to see traits of one or more of these types--keep in mind that although these are often how mothers with BPD behave, no two people are the same.

pink_heart44 and sarielle, it sounds like your mothers demanded a lot of obedience from you. That can take a real toll on you and make you put your own needs aside to take care of your mothers'. Besides distancing yourself from your mothers, how are you reversing the message that she sent you that your needs didn't matter?

My mother best fits the Queen-Witch profile. Like your mothers, I see some of the other traits in her, but the Queen-Witch best describes her. I've learned to set some strong limits with her, and that has helped me to keep some emotional distance and work on my own self-esteem.

[sarielle]

Dear Geeky Girl

Actually for me I ran and ran and now that she has passed can I start dealing with it.

She was very extreme and had COPD which meant both a perfectionist and easily triggered and at the same time a totalitarian ruler. For me I received the witch but she ruled the house and us like the dictator of a regime.

Heads often went flying.

I think it is now about responding to those hurt feelings with the capacity to give the love that was needed and soothe the pain. This seems to be manageable one thought at a time, to quell it and ease the pain. But ultimately I would like to forgive from deep inside and carry this burden no longer. But any assessment of this larger storage unit of pain is overwhelming to think about soothing. I am literally in the throws of my process - so I am finding out.

Laughing at these odd extreme manifestations does seem to help though.

Best

Sarielle

[AsianSon]

My uBPD mom is nearly all Queen, with all the demands for special treatment and recognition.  Sometimes her demands rise to the level of wanting worship.  Rightly or wrongly, she rationalizes her demands with cultural/traditional expectations base on Confucianism and elder worship. 

This makes many boundaries hard to set because she doesn't see the need to follow them.  The ones that I have success with are based on external, objective limits.  For example, we cannot change the past and can only do things in the present and the future.  So a boundary that limits revisiting old hurts (real or imaginary) has had some success. 

Another is based on time and energy, as in I have my own family and children, which requires time and energy that is not infinite.  What I spend on them, I cannot spend on her.  This one is trickier and has to be combined with reminders that she loves her grandchildren and so would not want to deprive them.  There has been some unspoken effect of culture/tradition to help this one along. 

I'm still looking for new ways to deal with her behaviors and take care of me and my family. 

[GeekyGirl]

This makes many boundaries hard to set because she doesn't see the need to follow them.  The ones that I have success with are based on external, objective limits.  For example, we cannot change the past and can only do things in the present and the future.  So a boundary that limits revisiting old hurts (real or imaginary) has had some success. 

I'm glad that you've had some success, AsianSon. Setting boundaries is the best way to protect yourself and make sure that your needs are met. I know it's tough, but it does get easier.

Laughing at these odd extreme manifestations does seem to help though.

Having a sense of humor helps!

But ultimately I would like to forgive from deep inside and carry this burden no longer. But any assessment of this larger storage unit of pain is overwhelming to think about soothing. I am literally in the throws of my process - so I am finding out.

sarielle, I know that overwhelmed feeling too--but you're doing the right thing by learning and working on yourself.  Forgiveness is a powerful thing, but it doesn't always come easily. How would forgiving lift the burden? How are you taking care of yourself as you work through this?

[aubin]

My uBPD mother shows traits of the Waif/Hermit. Reading Lawson's book was a huge breakthrough for me, as it wasn't until I read about a BPD that doesn't rage that I realized that my mother likely has the disorder. Her paranoia has gotten worse as she's gotten older, to the point that she won't go anywhere she hasn't been to before. I've dealt with the paranoia mostly by not responding to it. If she refuses to go somewhere new, I'm just like, "Okay, let's go to the old place." I have had terrible boundaries around her helplessness though. I'd spent my whole life essentially parenting her and it's a hard habit to break. Most of this is moot now as I've been NC with her for 8 months now. I am anticipating having some limited contact with her in the near future though so I'm working on setting and maintaining the appropriate boundaries.

[Woolspinner2000]

I knew all four in my uBPD mother. These terms are a great description of so many of the traits that she continually showed to her family, and sometimes to those outside the family. I remember when my uBPD mother died 1 1/2 years ago that I felt so strangely bothered and confused when the people around her and at the funeral said they never knew a nicer person. I kept arguing with myself because I struggled with what they were saying. Were they right or was I? Finally I realized that these people never really knew her. Only her ex, my siblings and step dad saw the real person.

As a child the only way I could try to counter these behaviors was to find a place to be safe, so I would escape to the quiet of the woods on our farm when I was allowed 'free time' from all of my chores, just a tiny bit each day, or I would read/devour books whenever I could to escape the reality of my life. Now as an adult, I attend counseling regularly which is helping me tremendously. I take care of myself by finally learning to feel, and I'm attempting to walk through each memory and trigger as they come. It's super hard, but I'm learning what it is to become me instead of the person that I had to be in order to survive with my uBPD mom. Plus being a member of this group has been another step of taking care of me, in spite of what my husband says and thinks. For once it is a positive choice I'm making for me.

[GeekyGirl]

Now as an adult, I attend counseling regularly which is helping me tremendously. I take care of myself by finally learning to feel, and I'm attempting to walk through each memory and trigger as they come. It's super hard, but I'm learning what it is to become me instead of the person that I had to be in order to survive with my uBPD mom. Plus being a member of this group has been another step of taking care of me, in spite of what my husband says and thinks. For once it is a positive choice I'm making for me.

This is great, Woolspinner.  How has learning how to become yourself helped, and what have you learned along the way? I've learned that sometimes as children of BPD mothers (especially ones that show Queen/Witch behaviors) that we can struggle with who we really are--an identity crisis of sorts. It can be empowering, freeing, and even a little scary sometimes to discover our true selves.

[Woolspinner2000]

Thank you for your kind response, GeekyGirl. You are certainly right that it can be scary to discover who we are! I think that the journey of learning to become myself first had to start with learning who I was not. The things that I "thought" defined me were actually the things that defined who my uBPD mom was. I am not my mother, but due to her projections, I was like her in many (but not all) ways. To intensify matters, everyone says I look just like her. As I emotionally disentangle from my uBPD, I've had a very difficult time learning who I am because I honestly have had no idea. A first step has been to identify my emotions when I'm having them and then learn to name them because I always had to be in her emotions, never my own. Another big step is learning that I can make choices for myself without having to make them because of what someone else says I should/must do. Just last week my therapist pointed out to me that through the choices I'm now making for myself, I'm being me, not someone else. What an astonishing revelation that was! This becoming myself is helping me to relax and lower my defenses and begin to trust other people and not live in isolation and so much fear anymore. It's also helping me to see myself in a more positive view. Slowly I'm experiencing tastes of freedom. It is a process though, not always uphill, but the steps forward are more frequent than backward anymore, and greater strength lies ahead.

[clljhns]

I experienced all of these with my mother. My one sister and brother experienced more of the Witch though, as she took most of her frustrations out on them through physical abuse. I experienced some physical abuse, but not to the level they did. My oldest sister experienced more of the Hermit/Waif as she constantly cried to her about her life. She used my oldest sister as her confidant for many years. When my parents ousted one sister and my brother, my mother started to use me as her confidant and punching bag combined.

To say that this was crazy-making and a total gas-light experience is an understatement! My father supported my mother's crazy behavior. I used to think that he suffered in silence, as she would rail at him for days and then would cry because no one loved her. He would always comfort her and tell her it would be okay. It wasn't until I was an adult that I recognized how he was pulling the strings behind the scenes. He made the decisions and told my mother to carry out his wishes. She complied, but then would explode.

I saw some of the Queen, especially when she would tell me how beautiful she used to be until we ruined her life by being born. She would encourage my oldest sister and I to follow in her footsteps and get what we wanted without discussing this with our partners because we deserved it. I didn't do this, but my oldest sister would. She took out credit cards and began spending like crazy. She did not tell her husband, but when he found out about it, she told him what a loser he was that he didn't want her to have anything.  My mother would constantly bad-mouth my second husband and tell me to divorce him because I deserved better than him. When I did divorce him, she called me to tell me that I shouldn't do this, it was a bad idea. After all, he wasn't that bad a person. CRAZY!

[Comfrey]

My mother was mainly the Witch and the Queen--with a bit of Waif and Hermit thrown in there. Actually--until yesterday I had never even heard of these titles, but when I read them it was uncanny how accurate the descriptions are of her behavior most of my life.

When I was younger I would observe how these different personalities would appear at different times. The Raging Witch was the worst and the scariest. Her face would contort, and it was if she was possessed. The world and every conversation or interaction revolves around her almost always. She can be very sweet and giving at times--but then later there is a price to pay. She played the martyr (waif) on a frequent basis as well. She frequently placed herself in harms way--making choices that were so unwise and dangerous that she would usually end up injured. This would result in trips to the ER, and having multiple surgeries to repair her "accidents". Then it would be everyone's responsibility to tend to her every need. This led to Rx pain med abuse (she even forged a prescription, and stole narcs more than once that I am aware of.) I always thought she had a multiple personality disorder because there were so many different personalities that came out. (The rager, the manipulator, the abuser, the accuser, the liar, the clown, the irresponsible teenager, the hurt child, the controller, the blackmailer, etc... . ) Some days I felt like I was going crazy. She also used me as her confidant, telling me things a child should never have to hear. She could also be very sweet and charming. I remember more than once she would be screaming at us kids, throwing things, hitting---and then the phone would ring. Instantly her voice would change, and she'd answer the phone as sweet as sugar. Also, my father never saw her rage at us kids. She only did it when he was away. I always wondered why. Now I am realizing that is part of the disorder. When everything came out of how we were all treated my father claimed he really was unaware of how bad it was. Now I can see that he probably was telling us the truth.

The few times we finally got her into counseling, she always felt like everyone was against her. She even convinced the therapist that we were mistreating her (I never saw my father or anyone raise a hand to her. And Heaven forbid... . if we ever yelled back!) She took the info she learned in therapy and twisted it to label others and used it against us.

I've finally been able to forgive her and let things go. Mainly because our relationship is minimal and I have set some pretty strong boundaries. Actually I feel really sorry for her because she is so miserable. But I am no longer her caregiver. However, I still have emotional scars that need to be healed. Labeling her behaviors is actually very helpful, because it helps me realize I am not alone, and I am not nor have I been, crazy.

[MyLifeNow]

I've seen all of these in my father from time to time, but primarily witch and hermit. The queen generally appears when I approach life milestones, and the waif when his life is going so far off the rails that he can't hide the fact that something is wrong.