Sometimes, I swear that my sobbing is music to his ears

[Chosen]

There are many husbands who would be so upset/ saddened to see their wives cry.  Not mine.  Even though uBPDh doesn't really explode anymore (thank goodness), he still goes on and on about small issues (because of course there are no "small issues" for him).

Yesterday, he was unhappy about something I did and thinks I need to apologise.  Initially I didn't think I have to, then later on I apologised because I knew I was wrong (even if he was being a bit dramatic about it, I was still wrong).  After I apologised he complained that I should have apologised earlier.  Then he went on and on (basically about the same things), until I cried.  I was so upset and I was a bit moody but I felt like whatever I say to him doesn't matter because he already assumes the worst of me (when I apologised he said I'm being sarcastic, not really thinking I'm wrong, etc.) 

Then he slept with me sobbing in bed for two hours (as I said, I was moody and when I began I couldn't stop).  Sometimes I do think that when I break down and cry, he feels like he's a victor, that he has that power over me and he's actually pleased.  Do you feel this way too?  A lot of times I don't cry so I don't let him win but yesterday wasn't one of those days.

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[Samuel S.]

Chosen, I am sorry that happened to you. An apology is really important, and, if he makes it a big deal as to when it is given, it does not show too much class on his part. You gave it!

Yes, I think you are right that BPDs generally like it when others suffer, like with you crying so that he can be the victor, so that he can feel good about himself, thereby belittling you unfortunately.

I too feel that way with my BPDw. Over a period of year or so, she convinced me that my two daughters were very selfish and that they did not deserve any more of my parents' inheritance. I said and emailed some really bad things to my two daughters about how they were not appreciative, etc. I was basically being brainwashed by my BPDw. When one of my daughters came to visit us, she and I got into a really bad argument. In the meantime, my BPDw was in the other room, but heard everything. Later on, she told me that she heard everything, and she had the audacity to laugh at our hurt and at our suffering. It was at that moment I realized that my BPDw was very glad to hear all of our argument.

My one daughter who was not there at the time has accepted my apology, but the other one who argued with me, shortly thereafter, we talked, and I apologized, but I have tried to communicate with her since, but she prefers to keep her distance.

As far as expressing how I feel about my BPDw, I have basically given up doing so, because I feel very drained, and there is no compromise. It is either her way or no way. She always turns the conversation around, saying how bad she has had it and that I don't have any right to complain.

So, long story short, yes, it is all about power over with BPDs, but it is how we nonBPDs handle it. That's what really counts, if we have enough power of our own left over.

[Chosen]

Hi Samuel S.  ,

I'm sorry you're going through this too.  To be honest, it's good to be able to complain about these "little" episodes now... . as we don't really get "big episodes" anymore.  A year ago, stuff like what happened yesterday would just be swept under the carpet for me because there was so much other stuff to deal with.

Usually I don't really express how I feel, or go into detail anymore.  Last night I probably needed a good cry... . it's probably not all bad, as I get to release some of my pent-up hurt/ sadness.  That said, for him it's still either "Me wrong/ you right"/ "You wrong, me right" (black/ white), so it's useless trying to "help" him see that sometimes both parties are a little bit in the wrong.  I have long given up on that and I just try to do my part.  When I need to apologise, I do so (I have also stopped apologising for things which I haven't been wrong); I don't tell him "but you're wrong too... . ".  He can either figure that out himself or if he's in denial he can continue to do so.  It doesn't make that much of a difference because it's not like I'll ever get any apology from him.

[wdone]

There are many husbands who would be so upset/ saddened to see their wives cry.  Not mine.  Even though uBPDh doesn't really explode anymore (thank goodness), he still goes on and on about small issues (because of course there are no "small issues" for him).

Yesterday, he was unhappy about something I did and thinks I need to apologise.  Initially I didn't think I have to, then later on I apologised because I knew I was wrong (even if he was being a bit dramatic about it, I was still wrong).  After I apologised he complained that I should have apologised earlier.  Then he went on and on (basically about the same things), until I cried.  I was so upset and I was a bit moody but I felt like whatever I say to him doesn't matter because he already assumes the worst of me (when I apologised he said I'm being sarcastic, not really thinking I'm wrong, etc.) 

Then he slept with me sobbing in bed for two hours (as I said, I was moody and when I began I couldn't stop).  Sometimes I do think that when I break down and cry, he feels like he's a victor, that he has that power over me and he's actually pleased.  Do you feel this way too?  A lot of times I don't cry so I don't let him win but yesterday wasn't one of those days.

yes!  i have felt exactly this way many times, like he feels victory when i am finally sobbing.  i am sure he wants me to be as miserable as he is, but at the same time, i have to be the strong one and i am not allowed to have emotions. 

[Chosen]

i am sure he wants me to be as miserable as he is, but at the same time, i have to be the strong one and i am not allowed to have emotions. 

Exactly, when I cried, he was only concerned about whether I was crying because I was feeling miserable, or crying because I was sorry.

If I said I'm said because I got lectured then I would, no doubt, receive another lecture on how he has been really nice to me and patient with me and he should be the sad one (as he has such a horrible wife), not me. 

I think I can get away with a little more than in the past these days, so I actually told him "When I don't cry you claim I wasn't sorry enough.  When I cry you accuse me of being dramatic."  I know very well in my heart that only when I cry will he be satisfied and feel like he won.  Most of the time these days I don't cry anymore.  I won't let him win.  But last night I kinda lost

Oh well, there's always another time 

[wdone]

 

Be gentle with yourself. This is so hard to deal with. You're doing a great job.