Hi All!
My birthday was Valentine's Day, last Friday.
My UBPDmom called and left a message wishing me a happy birthday and sheepishly told me to call her 'if I got a chance.'
This is the first I've heard from here in 2 weeks, after we had a long distance phone fight and she -as usual- hung up on me.
Our relationship is not good and I'm
tired.
A little background: We have had 2 and 3 year gaps where she has not spoken to me... . long periods of time-according to her it's
always my fault -for some reason or other. It's been like this since I was a kid, this blame thing. Sigh. Yawn.
Sometimes the relationship feels 'real' but most of the time
I keep my distance... . she's very unpredictable and I can never forsee what her mood will be when I call. She's 'there for me' sometimes... . but she can withdraw her affection or stop calling, or blame me for our lack of relationship at the drop of a hat. I don't think she's stable mentally.
All this has been addressed in therapy over years.
I go thru spurts where we have LC and I start believing she's capable of being a 'normal mom'... . but I'm always safer not talking to her; hurts less when she inevitably withdraws. It's gotten worse as she's gotten older.
So I backed off a few weeks ago. We had a discussion and it turned ugly... . I've never cussed my mom but I did that day out of anger; she told me reason for not calling for months was that
'her battery died' -(she just moved in with my brother and his wife!)and she knows I'm OK cuz she gets reports after I talk to her 85 year old mom-who has dementia. So I got mad and told her she acts like she doesn't effing give an S.
I stopped calling; stopped reaching out. Threw my hands up and gave up. Again.
It did provide some relief; this course of action is a much safer option for me. It's different for everybody, I guess. But I'm just doin' what works for me.
Til my birthday, ... . you know she called and left that message, sounding like 'good mom' (bait) and for the first time I didn't talk to her on my birthday. I still haven't called her back I just wanted to enjoy my day, the
whole day, with no drama... . I didn't want to think about her, or have a weird discussion about our relationship... . or wonder why she didn't call me for 3 months last year-for no apparent reason, or why she recently moved across country and didnt tell me until afterward, after asking me to travel across country to help her move. I just wanted to not care about any of that.
So I didn't.
Well, I did send her a text saying I got her message and to have a Happy Valentine's Day. But I didn't say anything about I'll call you later or talk to you later or any of that. I didn't feel like making a promise I could potentially not keep.
I feel so bad for my mom. She's a mess. She's the only woman I know who seems to have absolutely no idea of why her relationship with her own daughter is normally non-existent. I've given up hope, the only way I have constant consistent peace in my life is if I don't talk to her. Cuz once I do I start hoping again... . and when she inevitably disappoints it's too painful.
The further I draw from my FOO I see a direct correlation between improved qualtity of all my other relationships, particualry intimate ones.
The birthday was good. But this part of it was hard.
Thanks for 'listening.'
