How become indifferent?

[icecream]

To become "indifferent" towards my exBPDgf (realized that after we broke up)would be my cure to heal.

Usually it takes like 2-3 weeks for her to show up again, by text or mail since we broke up 2 years ago. Every time she asks how i am and i reply after hours or days in a cool way without much explaining about myself. Then she starts to bring herself down like how a terrible person she is and how she creates a mess every time she has a new lover. She even tells me she should be locked up. And on top of that the last thing she wants is to hurt me and thats why she turns silent every time we get closer again or at moments were she has new plans with her new lover but she prefers to hide it for me... to not want to hurt me. She admits i'm her safe harbor and being around me calms her. I tell her every time, be honest and true to me it might be hard but hiding the truth is much worse and continue your therapy... silence again... for a few weeks! And then out of nowhere the same... . I want to come to a point of indifference... . want helps to become that towards her? The stop of care or concern or compassion... .

[growing_wings]

To become "indifferent" towards my exBPDgf (realized that after we broke up)would be my cure to heal.

hi Icecream... IMHO... is the other way around: indifference is the result of healing.

Healing can be a painful process at times, as it involves processing emotions and feelings that range from sadness to anger... Once the emotions and the root cause of the emotions have been acknowledged and dealt with (with a sense of compassion for yourself and the pwBPD),  finally accepting that the r/s has ended ,and that we cant help our loved pwBPD to heal... . then indifference towards that person will settle in... .

[ShadowDancer]

The act of indifference is actually and all inclusive understanding compassion of the highest order. For me giving to much attention to the intellectual reasoning side of our existential questions and understandings of our individual equations and purpose here on earth can become a extrapolating marathon debate between the twelve person jury that resides in my "reasoning" head who require evidence of intellectually rational proofs. There is "In-Lightenment" of self in the ability to surrender and jettison our worldly baggage and manipulation for results, which is a suffering enslavement to the attachment and self affirming manipulations of the temporary which surrounds us, for the freedom inherent in the observational detachment of spiritual contentment. The ability to let go and let live therefor becomes a measure of our own humility and compassion towards all things in the world to simply be and exist without our interference of judgement. This detachment would include me, you, us, and them. Let it be... .  

[icecream]

Thank you growing_wings and ShadowDancer for your insights and thoughts.

All usefull information to heal while growing, learning and hopefully one day to look back on this process.

English isnt my mother-language ShadowDancer so i will have a few reads on your reply to completly understand your deep insights... . "Let it be, let it for what it is or was and thats a wonderfull mindset i will put as my goal to aim"

[heartandwhole]

Hi icecream,

I agree with growing_wings, that healing will eventually bring the balance you seek. It can hurt to process the feelings, but ultimately you'll be able to think about (or maybe even talk to) your ex without feeling hurt or unstable.

Since you are in contact with your ex, it may be a little more of a challenge, but you can do it.  Detachment is the key.  Have you had a look at the sidebar here? -------------->

Caring about your partner is a wonderful thing.  I care very much about pwBPD, but I can't have a relationship with him.  It's up to you to know what you can handle.

We're here to support you as you figure it out! 

[icecream]

Thank you heartandwhole for your great support.

Yes, i often have a look at the sidebar here and at the lessons at the boards, just hard to put in practice for me so far... i know its a mental growing process to read a lot about it, give it time and work on myself to heal and detach, i reconize my traps and her cycles and thats were i have to work on. I cant block or delete our connection yet, eventhou i dont interact much or take initiative to remain in contact. Because she is not a person which i want to be with in future-terms. But so damn hard to forget our romance, our lovely times and the path we had when falling in love and dropping my walls. Finding out after the break-up something was so wrong, missed the flags, and realizing i've surely had my part of being responsable of this current loaded crazy situation... . and thats the moment to realize i need to break the circle or what it does to me before it breaks me. Doing my best, one day at the time, allowed to fail, but i need to survive and live with myself forever so better be good!

[winston72]

Hey IceCream... . you described this BPD dance so well, "But so damn hard to forget our romance, our lovely times and the path we had when falling in love and dropping my walls. Finding out after the break-up something was so wrong, missed the flags, and realizing i've surely had my part of being responsable of this current loaded crazy situation... . and thats the moment to realize i need to break the circle or what it does to me before it breaks me. Doing my best, one day at the time, allowed to fail, but i need to survive and live with myself forever so better be good!"

Oh, man... . I had to chuckle to myself... . what you wrote is so true for me and so many others on this site.  It is a great snapshot... . thank you.

May I respectfully suggest that you will not detach if you know, and probably anticipate, that she will contact you every 2-3 weeks with some very emotionally charged topics (lovers, sorrow, etc.)?  You don't need to take the initiative to contact her because you know she will contact you. 

So... . you are not going to discover indifference with this pattern in place... . and it has been in place for 2 years?  Hmm... . ain't going to happen if this continues.  It is an active choice by you to continue to engage with her on this basis.


As Growing Wings wrote, indifference is a by-product of healing... . and in many cases here, and seemingly in your case, this healing comes from detachment.  And this only happens if you... . detach!

So sad... . I hate it... . so hard to do... . hard for me... . but so clear also.  Life!

[growing_wings]

So sad... . I hate it... . so hard to do... . hard for me... . but so clear also.  Life!

Winstonm, you nailed it down... . so hard to do... but is life... .

[icecream]

Thank you Winston for your honest reality.

Its correct: eventually it is my own choice to reply her or to take that ride every time in her emotions and drama... . and to get out confused myself and to be dropped in silence until next time.

All it requires is to stop that temptation because it just it feels like every time she finally gets it, what its about, see the light... but then again, no, false hope. Eventhou she has her sweet side and thanks me often, beautiful words but the nice actions are for someone else which is the most frustrating side.

Its great to learn, heal, get support over here? Thanks to all

[growing_wings]

Its great to learn, heal, get support over here? Thanks to all

we are all trying to get over, learn and heal from a r/s wpBPD... .   it is indeed to have the space to share our thoughts/concerns in a safe way.

[bpdspell]

Indifference is a derivative of healing and everyone's healing journey won't feel or look the same because there are variables that makes everyone's journey unique. What I will say however that all journeys start when we're willing to point the flashlight within.

In many cases most of us simply want to leap frog over the tissues, tears and time part that requires us to FEEL our emotional injuries. We often treat grieving like its a "dirty word" due to conditioning that grieving is viewed as weakness, a flaw, a chink in your armor, a lack a toughness, or plain makes you vulnerable to attack.

What worked for me is understanding that my feelings; the good and the bad demand the respect of acknowledgement and validation. It is why these boards are so important. Without that respect we give our feelings an "improper" burial and this leads to all kinds of perpetual cyclical problems cause the feelings aren't properly laid to rest.

Buried pain and shame fester. But indifference is our reward for doing the work.


Spell

[growing_wings]

In many cases most of us simply want to leap frog over the tissues, tears and time part that requires us to FEEL our emotional injuries. We often treat grieving like its a "dirty word" due to conditioning that grieving is viewed as weakness, a flaw, a chink in your armor, a lack a toughness, or plain makes you vulnerable to attack.

Spell

Spell... i agree with above. We need to "re-wire" our brains and ideas to understand that is OK to feel sad and cry, and grieve...   we have been told that "winners" move on, they treat pain as a yesterday thing, and even in an article i read that when winners suffer, they just move on and say "Next!"... well, i think winners are those who acknowledge feelings, learn and then get through the pain... at the end, winners learn and become better people after experiences acquired.

good stuff, thanks for sharing

[Waifed]

Thank you Winston for your honest reality.

Its correct: eventually it is my own choice to reply her or to take that ride every time in her emotions and drama... . and to get out confused myself and to be dropped in silence until next time.

All it requires is to stop that temptation because it just it feels like every time she finally gets it, what its about, see the light... but then again, no, false hope. Eventhou she has her sweet side and thanks me often, beautiful words but the nice actions are for someone else which is the most frustrating side.

Its great to learn, heal, get support over here? Thanks to all

If you choose to continue communicating with her at least consider putting some boundaries in place.  She should not be talking about other "lovers" with you.  What is wrong with these crazy people?

[GuiltHaunted]

IMHO... is the other way around: indifference is the result of healing.

There is no person, with whom I was intimate, up until so far (37 y/o), for whom I feel indifference... . I care about all the (meaningfull) relationships I had, and still care or hope they are doing well, even if I no longer have contact with most of them.

Otherwise, I wouldn't have been intimate with them in a meaningfull way, in the first place. But those relationships, I realized were not the right ones, for one reason or another... . For that reason I don't long for them anymore.

I don't like the term "indifference". That would be like not acknowledging that the relationship had it's right place in space and time. That this person at some point was not important to you. That the time that passed was wasted. If you were able to convince yourself of this, it would probably be selfdeceit...

The problem here, is that we weren't given convincing reasons, why this wasn't the right relationship. At least this is my problem, and I will search for the answer, until I find it and can heal.

But, I have accepted that I will continue to care for her, even if we no longer have contact with each other. That I probably always be sad when looking back at these events. In the meantime (while searching), I try to be as happy as I can. And hopefully somewhere along the line, I will be able to fill my life with something more meaningful. Where the good side of what I might have in the future will overshadow the sadness of this memory.

[icecream]

yes GuiltHaunted, thats my biggest struggle too. The fact many questions remain unanswered makes it so hard to let it go for what it is and find peace in an open end.

Detaching is only possible if we let it go... . its this search and the need for justice, truth, honesty (what i realized wont get from her) what feels like we need to put all that to rest... Or put a blanket on.

I was happy with myself before her. Can look back on a past were ex's are respected for what was and for the reasons why it didnt work as well. They left a footprint in heart and soul.

This one created a whole, i wasnt busy setting bounderies as for someone who i felt in love with, never was diagnosed as far as i know and realized things were so wrong after the break-up.

She dumped me, can let me go, still mixed texts towards me while having another lover, and i saw a future in her at the start why i started a connection in the first place.

It  never comes to a reasonable talk were it can lead to completely close the door on her, then she runs, disappears, silent, and leaves me with even more questions. Thats why i would like to become indifferent for her. That would be my rest in this. Not getting any answers, to do it with that to be able to detach is so hard... .