Aftermath of b/u, BPD or not, vilification or not... is only about myself

[growing_wings]

HI all,

I have read about BPD extensively. I can answer a test on it, can even write a book with my own perceptions of what BPD is (does not mean it would be right)... .

I have associated almost every aspect of the literature i have read to my ex (whether is spot on, or just a tiny little similarity of her attitude vs. what literature describes... . ), i have written here about her vilification campaign, about her "evil" intentions behind stealing friends, her friends blocking on FB, she herself un-friend me... . etc...  I have talked to my T about her...  I have thought about her with obsession, i have missed her... .

i think i have exhausted myself on her and "putting" BPD at the center of all this mess, of all this pain. But at the end of the day, after all this exhaustion... is only me left. BPD can take the center of attention for sometime, but at some point, i will run out of that excuse and that distraction, and i will face the same conclusion: is ONLY about me

I have two choices: keep obssessing about her and BPD, and miss her, miss her obssesive texts and emails that made me feel needed (even tho some of them were controlling... . ), and keep wanting her back ... . or move on.  

BUt "moving on" might still mean feel sad, i am sad today, because after reading and reading and typing about BPD, and validating my need to leave her and stay NC...  i find myself alone with myself. and as long as i dont like my "SELF", then BPD or non BPD, i will not be able to fulfill my life.  this is not the long term solution...

I am sad... so sad things ended up like this. but i also realize that i cant hold onto BPD anymore... . is about me.

Who cares about maintaining NC if i cant move on from the word and the meaning of BPD?

[seeking balance]

Distractions can come in all sizes and shapes - some serve a purpose too.

For me, the BPD education started to save my marriage and continued along the vein of DBT because I found the skills useful for me as I was going through the divorce and grief.

Ultimately, you are right - there is no shortcut or avoiding the sadness.  It is truly a hurt, deep grief.   

So, "self" - that is true - you are all you got.  Do you like you?

[Dog biscuit]

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Ultimately, you are right - there is no shortcut or avoiding the sadness.  It is truly a hurt, deep grief.   

Hey Growing Wings, I can relate to what you wrote and I feel that my reading about BPD still keeps me attached to my ex in some way. It feels like I am holding on to him by trying to understand what happend. I feel scared to let him go because I dread the emptyness, loud silence, and sadness that remains.

In the end the r/s isnt there anymore, and never will be there again. The BPDperson is gone, our lovers are gone, the r/s are over.

So its only we that are left, finally mourning the loss of love... .

It is hard and sad and very lonely at times, but we'll/you will get trough it. 

I wish I knew a way to make this pain go away.

[growing_wings]

Ultimately, you are right - there is no shortcut or avoiding the sadness.  It is truly a hurt, deep grief.   

So, "self" - that is true - you are all you got.  Do you like you?

SB... . i have always thought i like myself... but i guess i will find out. I need to go through this and find/like msyelf, or build myself, so i stop looking for analgesics that soothe my "pain" of not being able to be with myself... .

by analgesics i mean: work, someone else to fix me...

I think i kind of expect someone else to fix me, but this is my job, my ex came through to me with that sense of her being able to "fix" me, to get me out of the crap, so i liked that. But she only told me what i wanted to hear i guess... .

time to fix myself. wish i would know how...

I am calmer today, yesterday was tough... .

[growing_wings]

.

Ultimately, you are right - there is no shortcut or avoiding the sadness.  It is truly a hurt, deep grief.   

Hey Growing Wings, I can relate to what you wrote and I feel that my reading about BPD still keeps me attached to my ex in some way. It feels like I am holding on to him by trying to understand what happend. I feel scared to let him go because I dread the emptyness, loud silence, and sadness that remains.

In the end the r/s isnt there anymore, and never will be there again. The BPDperson is gone, our lovers are gone, the r/s are over.

So its only we that are left, finally mourning the loss of love... .

It is hard and sad and very lonely at times, but we'll/you will get trough it. 

I wish I knew a way to make this pain go away.

Dog biscuit, you write it perfectly. is emptyness, LOUD silence... . what remains.

You are right, we will get through it, and we will be stronger on the other side 

i agree, i wish we could make this pain go away... but i know how i have dealt in the the past and i does not work: i have numbed the pain in the past with other "analgesics"... . like working hard without feeling, jumping into another r/s straight away... etc.etc... .

the only way out is through... .   we will get out but walking through.

thanks for listening and typing back

[Dog biscuit]

Hey Growing Wings,

Yes, it feels like the silence after a big bang, kind of a black hole thing. First there was crazy LOUDNESS and now there is crazy silence and nothing. Buh.

Maybe this is the second part of the grieving stage? I dont now if it is of any help or support but I try to just sit with the silence and emptyness, untill it becomes to unbearable and I numb myself. 

I think i kind of expect someone else to fix me, but this is my job, my ex came through to me with that sense of her being able to "fix" me, to get me out of the crap, so i liked that. But she only told me what i wanted to hear i guess... .

time to fix myself. wish i would know how...

My life was okay but pretty lonely when I met my ex. I tought he would lift up my loneliness and fix that feeling for me. I now understand that i have to fix it myself first, and although I have no clear idea of how to approach my longfelt and deeply ingrained feeling of loneliness, I start to see that there are options for me to fix it myself, and more important, that it is essential that I fix this myself.

Baby steps, you are making them! 

[Lucky Jim]

as long as i dont like my "SELF", then BPD or non BPD, i will not be able to fulfill my life. 

Hey growing wings, I think you hit the nail on the head.  Self-acceptance is the key.  Easier said than done, I know. 

Even White Knights have human frailties, though it's a bitter pill for Nons to swallow (or at least difficult for me).  I'm slowly getting it.  It has to do with accepting ALL of myself, including the good, bad and ugly; the poor decisions and cover-ups; paying no attention to red flags; and ignoring my gut feelings.

Keep up the good work!

Lucky Jim

[seeking balance]

I think i kind of expect someone else to fix me, but this is my job, my ex came through to me with that sense of her being able to "fix" me, to get me out of the crap, so i liked that. But she only told me what i wanted to hear i guess... .

time to fix myself. wish i would know how...

Your ex got you here - and you really are questioning the right things and working on changing yourself.

It starts where you are - awareness... . many people never even get here and when they do, they don't stay long enough because it is too uncomfortable.

Change is uncomfortable - it is supposed to be.

Keep up the good work GW!

[growing_wings]

My life was okay but pretty lonely when I met my ex. I tought he would lift up my loneliness and fix that feeling for me. I now understand that i have to fix it myself first, and although I have no clear idea of how to approach my longfelt and deeply ingrained feeling of loneliness, I start to see that there are options for me to fix it myself, and more important, that it is essential that I fix this myself.

Baby steps, you are making them! 

Hey Dog Biscuit... thanks for the words. You describe well the process, first there is a LOUD bang, so much happenning, and then... the inevitable silence... solitude after all.

I relate a lot to what you share above... . the pwBPD comes into our lives when we are lonely and battered up by normal circumstances, they come and "offer" this great support, mirroring, "love" and in my case (and perhaps yours too) they even say they are here for you, to lift you up indeed, to make you love life again, and I did love life for a while... until all that was gone and i was left with the mess. I am soo glad you are seeing options to fix yourself... .   we can do it! oh yes we can fix ourselves , baby steps towards a more sense of self.

thanks Dog BIscuit, keep up the good work too! 

[growing_wings]

as long as i dont like my "SELF", then BPD or non BPD, i will not be able to fulfill my life. 

Hey growing wings, I think you hit the nail on the head.  Self-acceptance is the key.  Easier said than done, I know. 

Even White Knights have human frailties, though it's a bitter pill for Nons to swallow (or at least difficult for me).  I'm slowly getting it.  It has to do with accepting ALL of myself, including the good, bad and ugly; the poor decisions and cover-ups; paying no attention to red flags; and ignoring my gut feelings.

Keep up the good work!

Lucky Jim

Thanks LuckyJim!

Self acceptance, the key of of all indeed. the Key to stop being a people pleaser for me too. Yes, accepting the good, the bad and ulgly, or the stuff we dont acknowledge ourselves. WHat in Jungian Psychology is called the "shadow"...

apparently unlocking the shadow is where we find true strength... .

lets see if is true

thanks for replying!

[growing_wings]

I think i kind of expect someone else to fix me, but this is my job, my ex came through to me with that sense of her being able to "fix" me, to get me out of the crap, so i liked that. But she only told me what i wanted to hear i guess... .

time to fix myself. wish i would know how...

Your ex got you here - and you really are questioning the right things and working on changing yourself.

It starts where you are - awareness... . many people never even get here and when they do, they don't stay long enough because it is too uncomfortable.

Change is uncomfortable - it is supposed to be.

Keep up the good work GW!

SB, change IS indeed uncomfortable... .

my T said: be aware when there is no pain, as there is no growth either... . very true. thanks for the words. it is great to be validated during this stage... makes it worth it. thank you

[RecycledNoMore]

Its a process my friend this is all natural,its hard looking in the mirror sometimes,I struggle too but I have to keep reminding myself to keep looking, to keep asking the hard questions,because I want too,because I want a better future,it took me my whole life to develope these unhealty patterns,its going to take time to undo them... .

As with all things growing wings, baby steps...

T is a great step,how are you finding it?