Need time alone... Too much to process...

[Johnny Alias]

Heard more... . Tried to cut it off but just couldn't.

She was in the hospital. Bowel blockage or pancreatitis... . From vicodin or alcoholism or both... .

Apparently she was hospitalized a few months ago as well. That's three in a year.

She's a wreck. The bf is trying to help. Just like I did. However he encouraged her partying all the time... . And if he restrains her from doing what she loves even for her sake she'll resent him just like she did with me.

I shouldn't care. But I do.

Time to take a step back. It's getting better. I'm crying more. I can feel myself letting go. Rampantly dating chicks was just a distraction from the pain. It was still there.

I can't help her. She's destroying her life like she destroys everything. It's hard to face this need to reach out and offer my love and support, but she'd laugh at it. She's not my problem anymore. She's not. 

I'm not ready for anything with another woman. I'm not. I'm needy verging on desperate. I'm not comfortable in my own skin. Got to take a step back. Continue therapy, working out, yoga, book projects, home improvement, volunteering... .

I will not be good for anyone as I am now. Gonna take time... . I need to be patient with this recovery and continue to let her go... . She's dying slowly but surely... . And her soul was dead long ago.

No reason for me to die with her... .

[growing_wings]

I'm not ready for anything with another woman. I'm not. I'm needy verging on desperate. I'm not comfortable in my own skin. Got to take a step back. Continue therapy, working out, yoga, book projects, home improvement, volunteering... .

I will not be good for anyone as I am now. Gonna take time... . I need to be patient with this recovery and continue to let her go... . She's dying slowly but surely... . And her soul was dead long ago.

No reason for me to die with her... .

Hu Jonny... you are right.

Takes courage to admit we need to work in our recovery adn ourselves before going and trying to rescue someone we love, especially when that person is struggling.

You are doing the right thing... focus on yourself, heal yourself first. is the priority.

I understand the pain of the decision. This weekend i heard mixed messages, one saying she was superb at a workshop she gave, and another person told me she is struggling a lot with personal stuff... . i wanted to call her and be there for her... .   but this is not the right action ... same as you, i need to focus on my self. i still wish her well tho...

Keep up the good work

[Tincup]

Johnny I feel just like you do.  I think you are on the right track though.  You see that jumping into another relationship is not healthy for you right now.  This is a time for us to get healthy.  For me I just allowed myself to take pressure off by saying I am not going to even think about dating until this summer at the earliest.  I am just like you regarding needy on the verge of desperate.  I am doing the same things as you, home projects, working out, etc.  I am also trying to take more of an interest in my friends as I realized that for whatever reason I was shutting down friends when I was in my relationship with my pwBPD.  It is nice to be able to be friends with whoever I want (everyone knows what I mean by that).

Take it easy on yourself.  By realizing the things you said in your post you are doing much better than you think you are.

[winston72]

Hey Johnny... . I was just sitting here reading posts and reflecting on my own life... . allowing some really painful, embarrassing, hopeful, fond memories (yes, very conflicted feelings!) to bubble up within me... . and trying to allow myself to feel them and run with them.  It is hard for me to do.  I want to categorize and intellectualize my feelings... . or ignore or modify them through other people and relationships.  These strategies don't lead to anywhere that is satisfying.  So... . continued inner world is my current focus.

When you write, "No need for me to die with her."  My rescuer traits are activated and I think it would be honorable to die with her... . and that is really the basic choice I made to stay for so long.  It is a bit twisted, and I note that the idea of it, the typing of it, is comfortable for me.  I need a reboot on how to live and be healthy by myself and with another.

Thanks for your post, JA. 

[myself]

Johnny, it's not that you shouldn't care, it's that there's nothing you can do.

It's great to be by yourself to process this. Letting go while running to/holding onto someone else, while not really facing things, well we've seen how well that works with pwBPD. You've read it here before, but turn those loving feelings of reaching out to help towards yourself. We're all right there with you, taking these steps. One of the hardest things I've done is walk away from my gf. She could benefit from having someone good in her life, and for awhile I was that person. But she fought against it, pushed me away and lost me. Destroyed the trust. They choose pretending over being real, chaos over calm.

Feel your feelings. See this for what it really is without those old illusions. Still be a person who cares, don't give up on that. Taking the time to properly get through this will aid you for the rest of your life. You did your best for her. Now do it for you.

[seeking balance]

I shouldn't care. But I do.

It' ok to care, you loved her -you are human.  Fixing, not your job - but caring that someone we love is falling apart is a good thing, even if it hurts).

Time to take a step back. It's getting better. I'm crying more. I can feel myself letting go. Rampantly dating chicks was just a distraction from the pain. It was still there.

we all have distractions - some are healthier than others and less destructive to others - at the end of the day when we figure out and know better we can do better. 

I can't help her. She's destroying her life like she destroys everything. It's hard to face this need to reach out and offer my love and support, but she'd laugh at it. She's not my problem anymore. She's not. 

no and that is a sad fact.

I'm not ready for anything with another woman. I'm not. I'm needy verging on desperate. I'm not comfortable in my own skin. Got to take a step back. Continue therapy, working out, yoga, book projects, home improvement, volunteering... .

rebuilding ourselves takes a bit of time, doing it in a healthy way - a disciplined way - definitely gives a sturdy foundation.  You will be ready later and you will be a better partner when you let yourself go through this process.

I will not be good for anyone as I am now. Gonna take time... . I need to be patient with this recovery and continue to let her go... . She's dying slowly but surely... . And her soul was dead long ago.

No reason for me to die with her... .

This is true, you are going to be ok - slowing down and giving yourself the time is wise.

Peace,

SB

[buddy1226]

I'm in the same boat, johnny. the wheels are coming off with my ex as well although she tries to act like they aren't.

It's a damn shame and it frustrates the hell out of us. Seeing them choose  that path when we offered them a life. A real life. To me that's the hardest thing to wrap my mind around.

It's been said over and over here. There is nothing we can do. I still hold out hope that they will hit a bottom and come back ready to change but from all I've read and seen it ain't happening.

Keep taking care of you. Doing the right thing will bring right results.

[love4meNOTu]

I can't help her. She's destroying her life like she destroys everything. It's hard to face this need to reach out and offer my love and support, but she'd laugh at it. She's not my problem anymore. She's not.  

I know it's so hard to accept, to sit back and watch them destroy everything and everyone they love. And they will do it over and over and over again. To the next people who love them.

I'm not ready for anything with another woman. I'm not. I'm needy verging on desperate. I'm not comfortable in my own skin. Got to take a step back. Continue therapy, working out, yoga, book projects, home improvement, volunteering... .

Yes, take this time to get yourself strong again. You will get there. Stay away from relationships for a time, you've got all the time in the world.

I will not be good for anyone as I am now. Gonna take time... . I need to be patient with this recovery and continue to let her go... . She's dying slowly but surely... . And her soul was dead long ago.

No reason for me to die with her... .

No, you can't. She's on her own journey just like my ex husband. It's not our place anymore. If you believe in God or a Higher power, it's in their hands.

Hugs,

L