Sex was the thing that got me hooked.

[Pinoypride18]

Sex was the thing that got me hooked. Probably the only thing that made most of the bad worth it. Because even the other good qualities were lies or just mirror traits of me. My exBPD was really experienced and i learn a lot, but she kinda of ruined the only thing she had going for her. By demanding it all the time or using it as leverage. And by doing it a lot made each session not special and routine. And it took a lot of mystery out of the relationship and in a way made me try a little less.

But regardless, do many of you think that sex was probably the best or only thing that made a relationship with a BPD tolerable?

[MissyM]

Not in my case!  Probably the least amount of satisfying sex I have ever had in a relationship.  Wonder if this is more of a female BPD thing?

[Want2know]

But regardless, do many of you think that sex was probably the best or only thing that made a relationship with a BPD tolerable?

That's a valid question.  When I first came to the site, I came to the undecided board.  At that time, sex was sporadic, and he had withdrawn from what was originally a lively sex life.  The thought of going back to that original experience is some of what kept me in the relationship.  

It was more than that, though.  I equated his initiation for such an intense sexual experience as his love for me.  That was what I was grasping onto.  The only way that I felt he showed his true feelings for me.  So when that stopped, I thought his love for me had stopped.  Neither of us were able to understand what it took for a healthy relationship.

It's not the only thing that he had going for him.  There was more, but that was something that both he and I used as a barometer for our relationship.

[ATLandon]

Sex is far from the greatest thing about my relationship with my uBPD wife. The sex was certainly intense in the beginning, but honestly not the best I've ever had. There is no emotional connection whatsoever. Call me what you want, but I'm a guy who needs more than intensity and eagerness when it comes to sexual satisfaction. There has never been any emotional intimacy with our sex life, therefore making it a very lacking aspect of our relationship.

Sorry to bust your theory.   

[Want2know]

There is no emotional connection whatsoever. Call me what you want, but I'm a guy who needs more than intensity and eagerness when it comes to sexual satisfaction. There has never been any emotional intimacy with our sex life, therefore making it a very lacking aspect of our relationship.

Honest statement.  What is keeping you in your relationship?

[ATLandon]

Honest statement.  What is keeping you in your relationship?

I first fell in love with my wife's sense of humor (when she isn't being over sensitive or attention seeking). I still love that quality about her. We have many shared goals and aspirations in life that we want toward together. And, if I'm being really honest, a lot of obligation to stay on my end. She has isolated herself from all of her immediate family, except for her youngest sister and has no friends of her own. As much as she drives me bat ___ crazy, I know that if I left she would likely kill herself, or at least attempt to do so. I would have very difficult time letting that weigh on conscience.

[Hopeless777]

Guess I'll chime in. I think every situation must be different. My BPDw is 49 years old and the only thing she thinks about is sex. Our relationship is terrible, but she wants sex morning, noon, and night for hours. I'm the one with the headache most of the time. Its really just messed up because I get no personal satisfaction. So I guess its just different for everyone. Right now celibacy seems like a preferred state.

[Take2]

In my case great sex is not the only thing going for my on/off BPDbf.

Without a doubt the sex is unbelievable and I truly believe we are both addicted to it.

His ability to pretend to be a great guy is pretty amazing when one is in the honeymoon phase.

Of course most wouldn't say that is something he has going for him.

I will say that with new lies he is telling me that he's been doing poorly at... . I'm actually beginning to wonder if he's a sex addict.

[Pinoypride18]

I had posted a similar question on L2, but most people there were not certain.

Sex was the thing that got me hooked. Probably the only thing that made most of the bad worth it. Do many of you think that sex was probably the best or only thing that made a relationship with a BPD tolerable? Was it worth it in the end?

sex was the one thing that made my relationship tolerable but towards the end but she kind of ruined that in the end by doing it all the time and making it routine. but other than the sex she really didn't have much going for her.

[Pinoypride18]

Sex is far from the greatest thing about my relationship with my uBPD wife. The sex was certainly intense in the beginning, but honestly not the best I've ever had. There is no emotional connection whatsoever. Call me what you want, but I'm a guy who needs more than intensity and eagerness when it comes to sexual satisfaction. There has never been any emotional intimacy with our sex life, therefore making it a very lacking aspect of our relationship.

Sorry to bust your theory.   

well the good thing i  wasn't talking about intimacy, i was talking purely about sex. i know my BPD was not intimate when it came to sex. she did not have that going for her. what i was talking about was the physical act of just sex.

that is why i asked, intimacy part is what was lacking but the sex part might have been the only thing going for them that they could do well

[Tausk]

At first it was incredible.  Hypersexual and compliant and willing.

But I learned that it meant totally different things.  For me, it was a way to bond, to share, to love, to give... .

But IMHO:  

For her, it was an attachment tool.  PwBPD are often submissive in sex because they are offering themselves as objects of attachment. It's because they are three year olds, and how would a three year old view sex.  And they are great at it because each time is new (limited memory) and the fact that they feel at about 1000 times non usually feel.  So the act of sex gives them 1000 more pleasure.   But it's the act of an adult being offered from a traumatized child.

It's not about how they feel.   It's about them offering themselves to you.   Just like a traumatized three-year old offers themselves to you for your approval.  It's why pedophiles say that the sexual bond is mutually satisfactory and beneficial.  

It's also why so many of the best prostitutes are pwBPD.  The thousand dollar a day ones.  They give fully, they are emotionally involved, they feel their orgasms deeply leading you to believe that you are virile and manly, so the JOHN believes that there's an emotional connection as well as a great ego boost.

Do you feel that there was this deep and special emotional connection when you were having sex?  It was a fantasy.  The previous partner and the next partner... . feel the same. It's not personal to you at all.  In the end it was like trying to find true love with a prostitute, and when the emotional cash ran out, so did she.

And for me having sex in supposedly loving relationship, but instead with a damaged person, damaged me to her level as well.

[Remington]

"Is great sex the only thing they have going for them?" Thread title, Pinoypride.

Sex is far from the greatest thing about my relationship with my uBPD wife. The sex was certainly intense in the beginning, but honestly not the best I've ever had. There is no emotional connection whatsoever. Call me what you want, but I'm a guy who needs more than intensity and eagerness when it comes to sexual satisfaction. There has never been any emotional intimacy with our sex life, therefore making it a very lacking aspect of our relationship.

Sorry to bust your theory.   

well the good thing i  wasn't talking about intimacy, i was talking purely about sex. i know my BPD was not intimate when it came to sex. she did not have that going for her. what i was talking about was the physical act of just sex.

that is why i asked, intimacy part is what was lacking but the sex part might have been the only thing going for them that they could do well

Pinoypride, I don't know if you realize this or not,  but this title and this attitude toward pwBPD seems unbalanced and unfair, potentially damaging and also potentially offensive to many people, with or without BPD.

I am glad ATLandon has replied to your inquiry.  He saw other valuable attributes in his SO.  I am sure many of us see many truly wonderful attributes in our SO wBPD.

My SO has many lovable and admirable attributes, which tend to shine through more easily when she is not in an exacerbation of her illness. People suffering this condition likely also have many other admirable attributes.

In some cases, early childhood sex abuse, sexual assaults, etc, are thought to have played a part in contributing to the development of this condition.  For the pwBPD population suffering these types of events during critical developmental years, these types of titles/comments carry a high potential to likely further demoralize and shame this population.

For pwBPD without histories of sexual abuse, etc, the words in this title and in your comment noted above also have a very high potential for causing people to feel further shame and devaluation.

I believe all people have more than only one "thing going for them."

Many times, we are angry with all that's transpired because mental illness has changed our lives, has changed the lives of our loved ones and may even be holding our loved ones captive.  The confusion and the anger surrounding the loss and the pain can be immense.  We can, during these times, make statements which reflect our own personal pain and/or our own ignorance to the suffering involved for all, including the pwBPD.  I hope we will strive to lend balance to our comments and to our portrayals of those we love, or have loved. As painful as these situations are, for all, this is truly not an "us vs. them" type of a scenario.

During these times, we might help one another to find ways to express ourselves, without adding to the damages, without adding to the demoralization and to the pain of all?

Its difficult to know one's attitude or tone when writing/reading on the net.  I am writing to you now with warm compassion.  I am also writing to you as a person whom feels the pain and the loss -- and whom cares deeply about everyone adversely affected by this illness, both pwBPD and pwoBPD.  Everyone is hurt by this condition.  Everyone. 

Thanks for reading my comment and for considering the concern I have expressed.

I am sorry for the pain you have endured. I wish you healing.

Sincerely,

Remington

[Pinoypride18]

Remingtoni am sorry, i did not mean to offend anyone. My question was derived from my experience with my exBPDgf. I ask this because she did not really have an identity. The traits i thought i liked were either fake or mirrored from me. She made me think she was this way, but after the breakup i realized it was all a show. She would try to impress people even if that meant lying about it or exaggerat. And when i see her act needy and desperate and having to use her sexuality to attract someone i can't help but wonder if that is the only thing she uses to attract others. Also she took pride in her ability to manipulate people, boss people around, talk her way out of things, and a good liar. She skillfully used sex as a weapon and what is why i asked the question.

I apologize if i offended anyone.

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

but she kinda of ruined the only thing she had going for her. By demanding it all the time or using it as leverage. And by doing it a lot made each session not special and routine.

My uBPDw insists she wants sex every night, that way on the nights I say no she can start all the arguments about my not finding her attractive/I'll look elsewhere/all that fun stuff... .

[popeye6031]

For me, the sex (I should say making love as sex is insulting to my SO), feels like it is another means for my fiancee to get my undivided attention.

Her wanting to do it as many times as possible a day is not about us as a couple getting mutual enjoyment, it appears to be just ensuring that for the time it lasts I am concentrating on her.

Me only doing it 5 or 6 times a week is a sore point, meaning I do not love her or find her attractive.

If I am honest it has kinda become one of the least enjoyable aspects of our our relationship.

For me, that is certainly not the only thing they have to offer.  The times of kindness, sweetness, apparent appreciation and apparent understanding are what I love her for most.  Notice I use the word "apparent".

[Pinoypride18]

IsItHerOrIsItMe, yeah mine would just lay there also, but i guess what i meant great sex i meant submissive i guess, able to do whatever i wanted to her like a sex doll or cheap whore and get away with it. it was great at first but got boring and routine and always expected me to perform at that level every time.

but there was this one time, i will not get into detail, that i accidentally did something. i thought it was gross but she was surprisingly ok with it. which scared me because that made me wonder what other guys have gotten away with doing with her.

[shellsh0cked]

At first it was incredible.  Hypersexual and compliant and willing.

Just like mine. Crazy porno like sex with no boundaries. Every men's dream.

During and after the devaluation stage it was reduced to quickies just enough to keep me on board while she started to critizise my performance. Emasculation at work so had less and less urge to ___ her.

The previous partner and the next partner... . feel the same.

I found my exBPDgf's facebook log with the guy she was screwing behind my back. She used the exact same words, same compliments. Humiliating and scarry at same time. They are just shallow and empty.  

Same here... . Awesome... . mind blowing sex.  At her house, mine... . in the car... . wherever.  I'd like to think I'm a pretty sexual person, but I was never like that with anyone else... . we were always like rabbits... . all the time.  Once I think we had sex 13 times in about 54 hours... . I'm not joking.  We were on a vacation with some friends.  It really got on their nerves because we kept running off.  It was crazy... . I was crazy.

She's very controlling with it because she's great in bed... . freaking awesome.  She never used it as a weapon like "you ain't getting this until you... . ".  Nah, she liked it too much for that herself, and I knew it.  But you better not ever decline it... . for any reason, because that meant you were sleeping with other women, or you didn't love her or find her attractive... .

And yeah, I realized I wasn't the only guy she has said that same nonsense to a zillion other guys... . before me... . after me.  I thought I was different... . that I was this guy that was above all others she had ever been with.  That was just pure foolishness on my part boys n girls.  And I can relate... . It makes you feel like a dumbass... . and all damn day sucker.  Eventually that turns to rage.  Been there.  

But what I have found is that "generally" speaking... . those types of really intense sexual relationships eventually burn out... . cause they are based on nothing other than just screwing.  And it was a large chuck of why I stayed... .  And where do you go when that burns out?  In the end was it worth it?  Hell no.  But I survived it and learned too.  In fact, I always said "if everything in that relationship was as easy as the sex?  Everything would be perfect".  But it wasn't.  Everything was F#CKED UP.  Bad.  

Be wary of those that are REALLY good in bed... . there's plenty of reasons.  Mostly due to having slept with more men than they can count, and really being tuned into what feels good to guys... . what you like... . and keeping you snared to make sure their fear of abandonment never happens... . Course it always does regardless since they find ways to push us away.   

[Pinoypride18]

shellsh0cked you nailed it! similar situation. if i have learned anything about my BPD is that she is great at fvcking, great at fvcking people over, and great at fvcking good things up.

there is always a catch when they are too easy, and that is they are fvcking crazy. and i agree they are great at it because they have been with many men to practice with.

they are good for one night stands but not relationship material

[Madison66]

The sex was really good.  I look at it as one of the few things that we maintained from the honeymoon stage.  While it was obviously physical intimacy, it was "false intimacy" and I think she thought it was "real intimacy".  I may have thought so too, but it was more and more empty to me by the end.  I so look forward to a future r/s with an emotionally mature woman where we can have "real intimacy", not just the dessert... .

[love2give]

I've been on this site for about a month and have got so much support from everyone.  At the same time there is always a little voice in me saying "she is not ALL like these other women described here".

Reading this makes me so sad.  Sex to me means a lot more than just the physical act and I told her that on our first date even.  She agreed for her as well.

After reading these posts, I feel ... . I don't even know how to describe it.

Maybe the word horrible is what I feel.  Wow.

How could she make me feel like I was so different from her ex's and I fell for it.  Its gonna be hard first of all to get through all this and secondly to ever really trust anyone again.

[Pinoypride18]

if this topic is offensive by all means take it down. i did not mean to offend anyone by posting it, i was just trying to get answers. sorry if i hurt anyones feeling.

[Want2know]

if this topic is offensive by all means take it down. i did not mean to offend anyone by posting it, i was just trying to get answers. sorry if i hurt anyones feeling.

What answers are you trying to get at?

I'm going to throw out my honest thoughts about it... .

Are you claiming to be a victim of being drawn into the sexuality aspect of her?  Let's talk about your ex, in particular.  Not BPD's as a group.  What was it about you wanting to just have raw sex without intimacy that drew you into the relationship and kept you there?  Maybe that will help folks on this board, those who are not sure if they want to remain with their partners.  Can you talk about it in a way that you know won't offend others?  I think you can.  Dig deep, Pinoypride. 

[Pinoypride18]

it is great to hear many have you landed on your feet. i hope to be there one day

i was unfortunate to have my exBPD as my first long term r/s. so i have not really dated many women. i just hope most women are not like my ex. but i doubt it, i think she was THEE worse girlfriend anyone can ever have so anyone after her will be a step up

[Pinoypride18]

im not saying i was the victim, but she did pounce on someone naive. i did not lose my v-card to her but she was the person i did explore my sexuality with. and it was not that i did not want intimacy, i just thought it was real intimacy. i thought she really wanted me but i guess she just wanted someone. i was my fault for falling for it, but she did trick me with the one thing i wanted and used it to get the upperhand. i was hooked and i didnt know it. i saw her as my soulmate, but it was just a show. she was always a show off.

im not really sure where im going with this. but im trying to figure out what made me stay as long as i did, and what were my problems that contributed to this. all i know is she lured me in with her sexuality. and that she was such a great actress that anything else i thought i liked about her was just her giving me what she thought i wanted.

i guess other people have seen other good qualities with their BPD but i did not. She was great with sex, lying, controlling conversation, and manipulating. so i can't see what else she had going for her, because everything was always about her.

[GreenMango]

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136079.0

Hi Pinoypride,

I've been reading your posts.  And the breakup has been difficult.   It sounds like you are trying to make sense of the sex and intimacy factor.  It must have been intense.

I'm not sure of your age ... . are you early youngish (early twenties)?  The reason I ask is sometimes the youthful love and first heartbreak is tough one.  It's very easy when a person ddoesn't have a lot of experience to get swept up in the newness and love (lust)... . missing a few of the deeper things that make a relationship last.  You know that saying love is blind?

I'm guessing you don't want to find another unavailable woman so I found that workshop on when good sex isn't always such a good thing.  

What do you think?

 

[Pinoypride18]

i was 20 when i first met her, and i am 24 now when the breakup happened.it was youthful love, something i have never experienced. and the breakup was my first breakup so i am taking it pretty rough. that is why im confused if breakups with nons were like this. but im starting to see now that the r/s wasn't built to last. it was something shallow. I guess i confused something that came easy as something that was meant to be, but it wasnt.

but as much as this hurts i know deep down this is something i needed to learn especially at my age. maybe one day i will appreciate that i learned this valuable lesson sooner than later.

thanks for the link, i will check it out

[GreenMango]

You were young when you met.  Don't beat yourself up too much about that.  It's a steep learning curve sometimes.

[Want2know]

and it was not that i did not want intimacy, i just thought it was real intimacy. i thought she really wanted me but i guess she just wanted someone. i was my fault for falling for it, but she did trick me with the one thing i wanted and used it to get the upperhand. i was hooked and i didnt know it.

I felt this way, too - feeling like the intimacy I was experiencing with him was real, that it was based in love.  Maybe it was, to some extent, but there was something off about it that I see now.  

A lot of people here write that they felt they were hooked by it.  That is our doing, not theirs.  If, for example, someone is an alcoholic, and they go to a party where the host serves alcohol and they drink it, is it the hosts fault that the alcoholic drank it and stayed at the party till 4 in the morning, drinking?

im not really sure where im going with this. but im trying to figure out what made me stay as long as i did, and what were my problems that contributed to this.

This is good that you want to figure this out.  Perhaps starting a thread on Personal Inventory would be a good way to start looking at this.

[Pinoypride18]

yeah it is cruel how they can just turn off any love they have for use and just hate us. i guess that shows how weak the relationship really was, and if it didnt end now it would have eventually.

[DiamondSW]

I think the sex actually made me feel damaged in the end.  Became v lonely and as she 'changed' I missed the woman I fell in love with... .

Would swap all the sex for a sorry and an honest conversation about her diagnosis... . :'(