Son's dreaded bday gift arrived

[Depression = 72% of members]

It was my son's 5th birthday and I've been dreading what my mom was going to send. She sent my 5 year old, for his birthday, a photo album that she scrap booked together of memories from before we moved.  It is filled with pictures she took and nearly every page is covered with stickers that say things like "friends forever," "happiness," "let's come back tomorrow!" or "good company."  I almost thought about giving it to him because they are his memories and he would like to see the pictures. 

Then as I got farther back in the book, there's a page with pictures of my niece with a black eye and then my son when he had an allergic reaction at her house and his eye swelled shut.  Now what could she possibly be thinking including photos that look like these children were beat? Not to mention that the time he had this allergic reaction, she told me that "If he were my kid, I would have taken him to the doctor." Seriously lady, he was in your care! If you thought he should have gone, you should have either taken him or brought him home.  I can't even wrap my mind around why she would put these pictures in. 

Then she included a page in the back of "grandmother," which she included a quote of "always in the company of my heart." Perhaps she thought she was being sweet because she included a picture of the other grandmother, but she didn't include any "cute" quotes on the grandfather page.

There were pictures of their house and the weather this winter.  This was followed by a "We miss you" picture of my parents, my niece and nephew, and my sister and her husband all waving at him like they're saying goodbye or something.  If you really miss him then maybe you could call, or skype, or do something other than send a guilt-ridden scrapbook.  Never mind that my sister and brother in law have cut off all contact with me, didn't say goodbye, haven't sent anything for his birthday or holidays, don't call, nothing.  Do any of them really miss him?

He's not getting the photo album.  I'm hanging on to it until I can figure out what I'm going to do.

He also got a book that's a birthday story book and in the back are some pages you can personalize.  Fortunately she didn't write much in there other than a "we love you" in back.

I'm livid. She somehow managed to make his birthday about her and she's not even in the same state!  It's a complete focus on him as it revolves around her.  Him at her house, him when she was babysitting, him giving her hugs. There are no pictures of me and my husband, just her and her family.

I just needed to vent.  Now I've got to figure out what I'm going to do now.  I have half a mind to contact her to tell her I'm not giving him that book and that she is not to send any more gifts, then contacting my dad separately to say, well, not really sure what I want to say to him.  But I need some time to think on it because right now all I'm seeing is red.

[Sitara]

It was my son's 5th birthday and I've been dreading what my mom was going to send. She sent my 5 year old, for his birthday, a photo album that she scrap booked together of memories from before we moved.  It is filled with pictures she took and nearly every page is covered with stickers that say things like "friends forever," "happiness," "let's come back tomorrow!" or "good company."  I almost thought about giving it to him because they are his memories and he would like to see the pictures. 

Then as I got farther back in the book, there's a page with pictures of my niece with a black eye and then my son when he had an allergic reaction at her house and his eye swelled shut.  Now what could she possibly be thinking including photos that look like these children were beat? Not to mention that the time he had this allergic reaction, she told me that "If he were my kid, I would have taken him to the doctor." Seriously lady, he was in your care! If you thought he should have gone, you should have either taken him or brought him home.  I can't even wrap my mind around why she would put these pictures in. 

Then she included a page in the back of "grandmother," which she included a quote of "always in the company of my heart." Perhaps she thought she was being sweet because she included a picture of the other grandmother, but she didn't include any "cute" quotes on the grandfather page.

There were pictures of their house and the weather this winter.  This was followed by a "We miss you" picture of my parents, my niece and nephew, and my sister and her husband all waving at him like they're saying goodbye or something.  If you really miss him then maybe you could call, or skype, or do something other than send a guilt-ridden scrapbook.  Never mind that my sister and brother in law have cut off all contact with me, didn't say goodbye, haven't sent anything for his birthday or holidays, don't call, nothing.  Do any of them really miss him?

He's not getting the photo album.  I'm hanging on to it until I can figure out what I'm going to do.

He also got a book that's a birthday story book and in the back are some pages you can personalize.  Fortunately she didn't write much in there other than a "we love you" in back.

I'm livid. She somehow managed to make his birthday about her and she's not even in the same state!  It's a complete focus on him as it revolves around her.  Him at her house, him when she was babysitting, him giving her hugs. There are no pictures of me and my husband, just her and her family.

I just needed to vent.  Now I've got to figure out what I'm going to do now.  I have half a mind to contact her to tell her I'm not giving him that book and that she is not to send any more gifts, then contacting my dad separately to say, well, not really sure what I want to say to him.  But I need some time to think on it because right now all I'm seeing is red.

[strangerinparadise]

I've been reading your blog and have been curious about what your mother will try to pull next. Honestly? Maybe you should redo the photo album so it's representing your non-insane view of your son's life so far. Not even including her, just happy memories. Heck with what she's implying through the black eye images, I'd just give it to my son and not even tell him it was from her.

I'm sorry that this person thinks that a child is a proper manipulation toy. I'm glad that you are looking out for them. Stay strong, you can make it.

[lucyhoneychurch]

Goodness, wish someone could give you a really big real life hug to balance this kind of pain. 

Don't give it to him. Totally agree with you.

I rec'd same kinds of shaming/blaming/manipulative "gifts" for my children from both my late mother and the sibling who was her patsy/messenger.

If the items could be donated to a church thrift shop, that's where they went.

If they were really really awful and psychologically loaded, they got BURNED in a pile of nice wood in my yard. (I live where you can have outdoor fires). It might sound ritualistic, but there is a certain justice in vile, hurtful things being sent on their way by fire.

Don't know if that would work for anyone else, but the flames reminded me that many many years from now so much of this is going to be ashes anyway.

About letting her know he isn't going to receive it? Please do not communicate with her at all.

She's getting what she wants if she hears one word of protest or defense from you.

JADE.

Don't JADE.

She doesn't deserve your time.

I would destroy the album. You owe this sweet little boy no explanation for where a damaging "gift" went not now not later.

It's not like she is sending really nice things you could stow away for him or his kids for later.

My 2 cents.  Blowtorch time.

I'm so sorry.

I hear alot of anger in your words that this brought to your heart and I am so sorry for your dismay and disgust.

I used to feel it too.

The irony about some of the things I got sent to me... . they had my name written in them (books I'm talking about) from when my grandmother gave them to me as a baby.

So my abusive mother and then my enmeshed sibling sent me things that were mine to start with... . that I had never laid eyes on before. I see where the late mother might do that... . but how did the sibling get books if I never saw them? It will make you crazy.

I'd venture to say it's meant to but I think that is giving them more cerebral planning than this stuff consists of - I think they are totally kneejerk responses of theirs to our trying to pull away.

If you've ever seen horrific videos of how people used to break horses, they hogtie them and as the  poor animal flails and fights and almost dies of fear, they hit and beat the horse.

We are beaten for pulling away and running for our lives.

I'm so sorry.   

[StarStruck]

Hi Sitara - I have just logged in briefly then saw your post. I haven't the time that I'd like to respond fully but really wanted to say. FOR GODS SAKE! and lend my support wholeheartedly.

You have done the right thing holding onto it and I know after you have had a good think you WILL know the next move.

Stay strong as a rock, you're fab 

[Finding Courage]

This is totally something my uBPD mom would do too.  Now that I have a young child, I have to really be thoughtful about what I expose my daughter to and what I don't.  My mom always sends cards, but I scan them first and if they are inappropriate or manipulative, I just get rid of them.  I see it as my job to protect my daughter.  What really resonated with me about your post was your comment about how everything is always about her, even through your son, still about her.  This is exactly how my mom is and how she has approached her relationship with my daughter.  Thankfully my mom lives out of state so there isn't much direct contact to censor but I hate that I have to make these kinds of decisions.  I say though, if you feel like this "gift" isn't really a gift, then by all means do what you need to do to shield your son.  good luck!

[Sitara]

Thanks for all the kind words and support!

Lucyhoneychurch, I realized after I cooled down a little bit that it's quite possible she was trying to bait me into an argument. That's often our cycle. I back off, she does something that on the surface seems like no big deal but pushes my buttons and I end up confronting her, which turns into a giant argument that she uses to tell me that everything is my fault and that I'm overreacting.  She's very good at walking that line of doing something that is easily defendable for her ("Oh, I was just trying to do something nice" and making me feel like I am overreacting. She knows how to push my buttons, she installed them.

I don't know what I'm going to do yet.  I think it might be time to give the formal NC letter though.

[itsnotme]

I don't think I would give it to him. If you feel like you should then you need to remove photos that make you feel uncomfortable. He's your son and you have every  right to monitor what he sees. Plus having a waving goodbye pic is very odd. Why would your sis who's not talking to you or your son even take that picture?

I'm sorry your mother once again ruined yet another special day for you and now your son.

[StarStruck]

Hi - unsure how far along your getting on with decisions. Could you give yourself some more time in ref to any NC letter? - by putting in a boundary in, ie: pulling out the photos that are weird and sending them back saying they are not appropriate or better words to that effect (long as non emotional). Or is that still giving her what she desires. However if it gave you a breather to re group maybe still idea.

Not that you necessarily need to regroup but really upsetting what she's done there. The other side of the fence you may feel shes now put fuel in your fire to go through with the NC you maybe wanted.

I needed time to think NC in quiet not off the back of something but very difficult to say in someone elses case, with unique relationship differences and being online you can't pick up on whole picture.

[Sitara]

itsnotme - I thought the goodbye pic was odd too, but chances are my mom asked them to do it. I thought the same thing - she's not speaking to us, and even before that she didn't do anything more than show up to holidays and birthdays.  It's not like they were ever close.

StarStruck - I don't plan on doing anything with my mom until I've had some time to think.  I'm not sure the best way to react with her.  I mean, what do you say to someone who's incapable of comprehending what they've done to you?  I don't think it really matters what I do as far as she's concerned - she looks for the bad in every situation - so nothing I do will go over well. It's more a matter of what do I want to do.  I'll take some time before I do anything.

He's not getting the photo album, and if I ever do decide to give him some of the pictures, I think I'll use strangerinparadise's suggestion of redoing the album.

[StarStruck]

mean, what do you say to someone who's incapable of comprehending what they've done to you?  I don't think it really matters what I do as far as she's concerned - she looks for the bad in every situation - so nothing I do will go over well.

I can't tell you how close to how I'd put that - exactly my experience. A lose lose, they look into everything to support their twisted perception. You could be a perfectionist in everyway in how you treat them and you will still be the bad guy. (projection clings to a clean spot)

In regards to you saying its about what you want to do, I get that. It's just LC so far has really taken its toll on me weighing it up. Going through the manner of emotions, thoughts, questioning,then you decide NC then it comes to a head and its not to be underestimated, it's tough at the peak before NC. I suppose in a way I was trying to save you from the pain of that - right now after an INCIDENT - the photo album, to buy yourself mental space if you needed. Scraping the barrel as I know it doesn't change the truth of the matter.

Whatever anyone says it doesn't change the truth of how it makes you feel, only you know what stage you're at if considering NC route at all and what you feel you need to do to save yourself. I feel for you, as you know about me, its been a rough ride and as i'm bout the drop the bomb (i put it off), I feel devastated but I know its the only way. I am still sure this is the best thing to do though.

Unsure if todays words lend any new insight (short of us being able to change our mothers, nothing solves the ruddy problem does it) but know I've listened, we've listened, in the typing world of words. As weird as our childhood experiences were, we are talking about it together and we are winning.

Bare in mind if this gets tougher ... . Stay strong look how far we've come. It's true!