BPDs and Money

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I started a thread earlier about my story and one of the members related to it as far as money and BPD was concerned.

What was you relationship with your BPD and money? Were they expecting you to pick up the check every time? Did they always have money to buy clothes but never to pay the bills?

Would love to hear more about this

AL

[arielleis]

I started a thread earlier about my story and one of the members related to it as far as money and BPD was concerned.

What was you relationship with your BPD and money? Were they expecting you to pick up the check every time? Did they always have money to buy clothes but never to pay the bills?

Would love to hear more about this

AL

[starshine]

My uBPD/npdexbf of 5 years was terrible with money.  When he had it, he would spend it on whatever he wanted.  He took me out to eat, bought me great clothes.  In the 5 years we were together I saw him go through a tremendous amount of money.

About 5 months after we started our relationship (can't call it dating, dove straight into the deep end) he got a significant amount of $ from selling the house he had with his exwife.  At least $250,000.  He went through that in a couple years, and by that point he didn't have a job either.  He was busy working on the house we were rehabbing, so I started footing the daily bills.  About 6 months after he ran out of money he inherited $180,000.  I insisted that he put some aside in money market accounts so he wouldn't blow through it all again.  Well, he did. Blew through it all, and didn't tell me about it until he had only a couple hundred dollars left.  I thought he had a least $80,000 set aside!  He was very private about how much money he had.  He said his exwife stole money from him, but since everything he ever told me is suspect now, I doubt it.  Then I ended up paying all of our bills for 13 months.  He was VERY stressed out having to live by my financial rules- I am fun but frugal.  We moved from my apartment into our house.  6 months later he got a job, and within 3 months he had broken up with me and moved on to the replacement 4 days later.   I guess he didn't need me any more. 

[Turkish]

I started a thread earlier about my story and one of the members related to it as far as money and BPD was concerned.

What was you relationship with your BPD and money? Were they expecting you to pick up the check every time? Did they always have money to buy clothes but never to pay the bills?

Would love to hear more about this

AL

Mine wasn't horrible, but she wasn't good either. Always buying gifts for people. Self worth?. Spent like $400/mo on entertainment for her little brothers when I met her (she didn't make that much money and we live in the second or third most expensive area to live in the US). Codependency. Owed her friend like $2K when I first moved in with her, so I loaned her the cash (since her friend needed the whole amount for a home down payment), and she payed my portion of the shared rent for the next 8 mos.

Not too much of a compulsive shopper, but kind of. Always changing her hair styles (only subtly, which in my mind was a waste, but she did this to fit her moods, which she couldn't control, then posting selfies to FB asking for validation). Always buying shoes and purses. Sure, she got good deals, but a better deal would be to be satifsied with what you have for a while. I found about 10 pairs of shoes and boots left in my closet that she stopped wearing years ago. Like I said, she was no Imelda Marcos, but she still spent way too much on this stuff, IMO. Compulsive online shopping. Always getting stuff shipped to her, trying it on, not liking it, sending it back, then getting more. Always checking fashion and clothing sites on the computer. Fashion mags.

Eating out too much, and also paying for others. Refusing to let others pay ("so they don't throw it in my face later". Wanting to get a $30K addition on our house (not a month before she left me she mentioned this), but no plan to pay for it. And of course, her financial abuse of me during the months' long detachment.

Except for always changing her hair, the other things may or may not have had anything to do with BPD.

[Waifed]

I always paid for dinner.  It was not because she asked but it is the gentlemanly thing to do.  She never expected or asked for me to pay for anything.  I would often offer to pay for some of her personal stuff but not before she would resist.  I was much better off financially than her.  She lives with a very tight budget.  She was always thankful (acted that way anyway). She was very good with money.  She is much better at managing money than I am and she actually helped me set up some things financially.  

She also would return my items that I would have otherwise just kept and never used.  She would get the money credited back to my debit card, not keep it for herself.  I think she did stuff like this so that I would be "proud" of her.

She did always find money (financing) to pay for boob job, braces, photo shoots, etc.  

I might add that she seemed to have very good impulse/compulsiveness control in general.  :)on't know if that applies to keeping her pants buttoned but it is probably best that I don't know the true story there.

[arielleis]

She did always find money (financing) to pay for boob job, braces, photo shoots, etc.  

I might add that she seemed to have very good impulse/compulsiveness control in general.  :)on't know if that applies to keeping her pants buttoned but it is probably best that I don't know the true story there.

Hey! Did we date the same girl?

[Waifed]

She did always find money (financing) to pay for boob job, braces, photo shoots, etc.  

I might add that she seemed to have very good impulse/compulsiveness control in general.  :)on't know if that applies to keeping her pants buttoned but it is probably best that I don't know the true story there.

Hey! Did we date the same girl?

Don't know if we dated the same girl but we might have both slept with her.

[MammaMia]

My dBPDs has little concept of money... . until it is gone.  He skimps on necessities like food.  Drives me NUTZ.

Food should be a priority and not an after-thought.

[arielleis]

She did always find money (financing) to pay for boob job, braces, photo shoots, etc.  

I might add that she seemed to have very good impulse/compulsiveness control in general.  :)on't know if that applies to keeping her pants buttoned but it is probably best that I don't know the true story there.

Hey! Did we date the same girl?

Don't know if we dated the same girl but we might have both slept with her.

So you were the replacement and I was your replacement x infinity. Careful, this may generate a blackhole in BPD space time continuum

[LA4610]

i replied to your earlier post. she would NEVER say thank you and was always really weird about money. this is the worst story. it made me sick... .

so, she tells me that she needs space and wants to slow our relationship down. we had plans to go to an nfl football game and stay in a luxurious downtown hotel the weekend of the game. all in all prob like an $800 weekend. we went to the mall bc she wanted an outfit for the game. being as that she wanted to "slow down" i told her "look, i don't want you to feel pressured. i want to and will buy the outfit for you, but since you said you needed space, i will only do so only if you want me to." she said "no, i will buy it. it is what i want to do". okay cool. we are good... .

we leave on a saturday to go to the hotel and she gets this devilish look on her face. i ask her "what's wrong?" she lights in to me about how it would have been a disgrace for anyone of her other boyfriends to even give her the option of buying the outfit. she has never been so disrespected blah blah blah. now mind you, this girl has HORROR stories about her previous relationships. abuse, restraining orders, guns, knifes, etc etc. it was absolutely disgusting. i bailed on her the next weekend when she locked herself into her room for like 5hrs for now apparent reason.

[charred]

We earn, they spend... seems to be the essence of it.

I bought my pwBPD nice new furniture, took her to Carribean, bought her jewelry... got a divorce to be with her. Wined/dined and sent flowers, whole bit.

She bought me 7 shirts and a mug... ever... . and demanded the money back for the shirts when she was mad. I gave it to her. The mug... I think was re-gifted.

She did cost me two jobs and a divorce... so I am down over $250k... . and she is down a spare mug.

They seem to survive at someones expense... . I think that is the definition of a parasite.

[NyGirl8]

Ugh, this is bringing up so much!  Mine was awful with money.  He always had it in his mind that I made tons of money, like way more than he did.  Well, once the kids came... . we were about equal because of all the time I had to take off.  He still acted as if I made more.  Never would he do bills together, I don't think I ever knew exactly how much he made.  He felt very, very entitled to spend on his alcohol and smokes and coffee.  When I finally sat in  t's chair... . after a about a two months, we were discussing how I felt about myself... . I realized at that time, I only had ONE pair of pants that fit me.  ONE pair.  And he bought whatever he wanted... . ugh.  Disgusting now that I think about it!

[MammaMia]

Nygirl

Yup.  My uBPDexh worked when he felt like it.  His money was HIS.  My money was OURS.  I paid all the bills and he blew his on alcohol, partying, and boy toys.  I skrimped and stretched every penny as far as I could. To ask him for money was the "ultimate insult".  How dare I?  I made more than he did but I worked 60 hours a week.  He was a terrible father who expected me to pay for everything for our two children... . since I wanted them and he did not.  How sick is that?  They were not pets for Heaven's sake, and the only time he acted like a father was when he had an audience.  

Some people should NEVER get married!  

[NyGirl8]

He was a terrible father who expected me to pay for everything for our two children... . since I wanted them and he did not.  How sick is that?  They were not pets for Heaven's sake, and the only time he acted like a father was when he had an audience.  

Oh wow, we married the same guy!  I do not know how many times I heard "you wanted them".  And then, always during our recycle he would attempt to get me to agree that "our" girls turned out so amazing (they are 6 and 8) because "WE" raised them so well.  Ummmm... . his raising involved every weekend in the bar, hungover the rest of the time, TV, and sitting on the couch because he worked so very hard and deserved it.  Then he attempted to turn it on me and say I spent way too much on the girls.  They certainly did not need all that I bought for them.  UGH!  I have his voice in my head complaining about the amount of court ordered child support.  And then his saying "I get so mad at these men who complain about child support, I mean, it takes money to raise kids"... . what?  I went into the marriage with excellent credit and his was in the toilet.  I left the marriage with a bankruptcy on mine and his was EXCELLENT (I took the bankruptcy so that he could obtain a mortgage... . ha!  That never happened!).

Oh jeez, I guess I needed to vent about this.

So, is this a BPD trait?  NPD?

[gary seven]

They seem to survive at someones expense... . I think that is the definition of a parasite.

That strikes a nerve.

I am dealing all the time with copmpulsive shopping issues, too.  Don't ask what today's target receipt is, "oh I got it all on sale."  She buys so much kids stuff in advance we have boxes of stuff to go back on a regular basis to Costco and land's end.  "wrong size," etc.

I last bought a pair of shoes 2 years ago.  I last bought a shirt last year.  Over the last few yers of this relationship I have lost so much weight that none of my stuff fits me for work... . at the last job it was ok cause I worse scrubs all the time.  This job I have to be dressed, and the clothes are ill-fitting. I have sent the bulk of my Nordstroms' shirts to Goodwill because I have lost so much weight and they were all larges.  Now I am a small.  I weigh less than I weighed in High School.  That was 35 years ago. My last suit I bought in 2001.  I hope no one expects me to be dressed up as we post on the boards.

She has clothes and shoes in every size, but there is always an excuse why something doesn't fit and she needs a replacement.

To the point: it is I who needs a replacement --of her.

[Madison66]

My uBPD/NPD ex gf of 3 years was bad with money.  She's in her mid 40's, makes a six digit salary and has significant child support coming in, but has no savings or retirement and has huge debt.   Can only rent cuz she has no money for a down payment and her credit is shotty.  We're talking about over 100k left in student loans, car payment, 20-30k in cc debt and has no budget.  She goes on spending sprees for clothes and stupid sh!t for her kids, but no long term plans financially.  She's horrible at paying her bills, too.  So, just train wreck financially.  REAR VIEW MIRROR!

[nownotsure]

... . They seem to survive at someones expense... . I think that is the definition of a parasite.

So true! I used to be amazed how my ex experienced zero guilt at my paying for everything.

My ex has the looks, but not the brains: so one night out having dinner I attempted to test my theory. I told her that I had read somewhere that the ancient Greeks used the term "parasite" to refer to someone obtaining free meals in return for flattering remarks. Then I added that I could never accuse her of being such because she never makes any effort to flatter me. I thought that slid right by her, but I was so wrong the minute we got behind closed doors ... . My ears still rang the following day. I admit I was trying to make a point; but seriously, what was I thinking.

charred, you ended up with more than me; I didn't even get a spare mug.

[arielleis]

Some anecdotes... .

She used to tell me "I don't like fancy things". However, she only seemed to have fun when we were at some good spot.

Here is my best-of... . hope you will enjoy

- I would pay for dinner ALWAYS, and never heard one single thank you. When I called her on that, she started raging saying that I had received a poor education

- We went on holiday twice and, mysteriously, she lost (or someone stole) money from her

- One day she was trying to convince me to pay her a trip. When I said no she replies "It's too bad that money prevents us from being together"

- One day I refused to pay her some visit we did to a castle in Europe, she didn't speak ONE word during all the visit

- She never offered anything, not even ONE coffee

- I would pay for dinner when we would have food delivered at home, she would start eating without me

- One night we went out with friends. A dear and close friend of mine treated us to an expensive bottle of Sake, she didn't thank him

- HOWEVER, she always had money to buy herself new clothes and get herself a $8,000 boob job

- We were on holidays once and rented an apartment on AirBnB (I had paid for the appartment). When we returned the appartment there was supposedly stains on the well (which I don't remember) and the owner of the place asked us to pay a $150 for the cleaning (fair enough... . ). Do you think my narc offered to split? hit no... .

- One night, as we were about to go out she tells me "oh we should totally get some vodka and red bull from the liquor store, do you want to go get some? I am totally game for a couple drinks before we leave". I said "no" I am not buying that crap. Do you think she went to buy some for herself? Hell no, that narcturd didn't want to spend one single penny

- She liked to have breakfast at that place downtown in Lisbon. Coffee and Croissant for $2.5 euros. Do you think she ever paid a breakfast? ... . you got it right... . NEVER.

- One night she was craving pizza and wanted to get something delivered "Babe, I am soo hungry, let's get some pizza". I wasn't hungry... . so she didn't order... . bc she was likely to pay.

- We were in a long distance relationship and I recommended she'd buy those $5 bucks prepaid cards that would allow us to speak longer at a cheaper rate. Do you think she ever bought one? ... . YOU ARE RIGHT AGAIN! How did you know she never spent one penny in buying one of those cheap ass cards... .

- For christmas, we were shopping for some food. We are at the counter... . scanning products... . comes the time to pay... . $80. I gave her $40 and said "just put the rest on your card" as I was packing the bags... . It was a very silent dinner that very same evening... . I wonder why though... . hmmm... . still haven't figured. Oh yes! I know now! Because she was a freaking narcissist cheap piece of crap

- Another one... . no money to take the subway

- On New year's eve, we were leaving dinner and hopping on a cab to go to a party. I asked her "hey, do you have cash for the cab? If not there is an ATM machine across the street", she goes "yes, let's go". once we arrive, I looked at her and she says "well, I don't have cash on me and I was not gonna walk on the pavement with high heels... . "

Actually, Chad, you got a mug. I beat you... . I actually got a pair of lousy headphones... . they hurt my ears when I put them. If anyone wants them, I will ship you my narc memorabilia

AL

[nolisan]

My dear exBPDgf bragged about what a great budgeter (and everything else) she was, She must have been at one time in her life with raising two kids as a single mom but not in my time with her.

She couldn't hold a job and was constantly at the brink. Then I showed up ... . the rescuer and fixer. Often paid her mortgage and bills when she would "suddenly have an emergency" (ie manipulation).

Before the r/s, as a friend, I helped her out when she was finishing a university certificate (in mediation!). She said to me "you are a generous man and should be careful that women don't take advantage of you". Of course she wouldn't .

Towards the end she was deep in debt and losing her house. I stopped rescuing her - I had started to see that I was a Codependent and simply could not afford it.

Meanwhile she would spend on non essentials. She was also working on me to sell my house and buy hers. She almost had  me convinced but I suddenly woke up. I had a dream that I had done what she wanted, moved in and then she ran away back to her ex husband. That dream was a gift from my HIGHER POWER and saved my ass.

A few weeks later she abandoned me, her house, her job, her male cat and returned to her ex. Turns out they were never divorced. That hadn't stopped her from dangling marriage under my nose.

She promised to pay me back some of the "loans"but her final words were never contact to her or she would contact the police. (Kind of like a  thief threatening to call the police after burgling your house)

Yep I blew a wad of money and will never see any back. But that is OK - a pricey lesson I will not repeat.

As the Beatles sang "Money Can't Buy Me Love"!

It's never too late to grow up! Sometimes the hard way.

[charred]

I did get the car repair thing done as well... my pwBPD needed to pick up her car from having the A/C compressor replaced... and it was right before they closed... we picked it up, I paid... then... it didn't have refrigerant... so I ran out and got some and charged it, got it working. About $300 down for that one tiny incident. Small thank you... then back to arguing and storming around.

Feel like a chump/fool/idiot... when I think about it. 

[Allmessedup]

Mine raged at me once because I hadn't paid her debts fast enough.  I think that was the beginning of the end honestly.  She even had the audacity to rage that I had "wasted" money doing things around my own house.  This was of course after I had already spent thousands on her.  I still can't fathom that.

She wasn't very smart though... . this time she left before I was done paying on her stuff.  Needless to say I am a couple thousand richer now because of that.

[misterfire17]

Some of these posts are difficult to read. In my head I ask myself why I am such a chump. Married 31 years to my uBPDW. Make great money, have a great house, and nice stuff. No savings, no safety net, and no way to absorb any repair to car or house. I give her my entire paycheck and anytime I need anything the response is "We have to wait until payday". I go in her closet and there are dozens of clothes with the tag still on them! Don't know when or where they came from. Every credit card we own is maxed out- I paid these down with some of my inheritance several years ago. CONTROL is what it is all about for my wife. This control includes a huge selfish monstor that can't see reality. When I take any type of lead on the money I get all of the negative outcomes we can identify with. We just submitted our tax return and will get a good amount back. Every year we talk about what we are going to do with the return. We agree and two or three months later when the weather is nice I ask to begin the project we agreed on. Of course the response is always- "We had some extra expenses and I had to use the money". The truth is she saw money, was selfish in what she wanted, and blew it. Wow that sounds awful when I read it and I will refer to my "chump" reference above... .

[ConverseHome]

Money issues, too many to count. Some highlights:

1. Two days before closing on our house together (she insisted she couldn't move in with me as it wouldn't be ours), she comes up $150K short. Says she didn't get as much as she thought she would on her own house sale. In reality, her previous partner demanded an additional $100K from the sale b/c of money my xBPDgf owed her. So, who comes up with the extra $150K 2 days before we are to close on our house. Yup, this chump.

2. Missed car payments and insurance payments regularly. Only found out when we got a repo notice for the car, and a letter from Registry of Motor Vehicles saying registration revoked b/c car insurance unpaid. My credit rating is completely shot.

3. Owed me money, we'd draw up a schedule for her to repay me, then she would fail to hold up her end. Would then accuse me of being punitive, throwing my loans to her in her face, and other such nonsense. I would cave, we'd redraw up another payment plan, and she'd fail to uphold it. Repeat cycle about a dozen times.

4. Couldn't pay her bills, but had money to send to charity organizations. Huge amounts. Made her feel important and powerful. When I raised this, I was a compassionless, heartless, evil person. I just wanted our bills paid, yet her words stopped me in my tracks. She had a way of creating massive self-doubt for me.

Now the relationship is over, and I'm faced with someone who has completely devalued and discarded me, while at the same time trying to save myself and my children financially. I will look back on all of this a stronger person; I am committed to that. Right now, though, she has created a train wreck all around her and I'm left cleaning up her mess. Again.

[DiamondSW]

Money was a cruel issue between me and my BPDexgf.

She is middle eastern, so I was always told "it's a man's responsibility to pay and provide" (We lived in London).  I remember having an argument where I said "we have the same degrees, same opportunities and the UK has equality laws in the workplace"... . "I have no advantage over you"... .

This didn't go down well.

Financially she did try -there were kind moments where she'd pay for dinner, buy me a pair of shoes or even offer £20 towards petrol, but on the bigger stuff like mortgages, rent, 'affording a child', student loans and so on, she didn't have a clue.  Had always been protected (manipulated) by her mother using inherited family money... . and now the mother was keen to pair her off with some wealthy guy so the girl wouldn't continue to ask for £££.

To be honest, the girl did try -she started teaching children after school and stuck to it, but this only happened because I did the legwork with parents and my reputation was the way in for her. 

I think in the end "Money" would have killed the relationship if the other elements of BPD, especially the rage, hadn't got there 1st. 

She was low functioning, depressed, and just really unable to support herself to the level which she felt she was entitled to.  Someone had to pay -and once she realised it wasn't going to be me, she felt unloved, and the whole relationship started slipping.

For me thinking about this makes even more sense that shes 100% BPD.  She never told me, but the £££ element is almost certainly another ainting black reason.

... . and a reason why I don't want her back anymore.  I'm happy in my lovely new home.  She's probably miserable in her student rented hall of residence room.  She always wanted a 'successful' man (I got told that A LOT), now I realise that I'd quite like a 'successful' girlfriend... .   looks aren't everything, especially when a person is being battered and abused. 

[love4meNOTu]

My ex husband and money...

He was very good about paying the bills on time. I made twice as much as he, my job is very intense, and I liked the fact that he took on that responsibility for us so I could get a break from some of the duties at home.

However, he made very little. Around 27K I think, and he paid child support, so he didn't bring much money home after paying for his car, insurance, child support, credit cards.

I actually didn't mind that he made less than me. He minded it very much.

He had no savings at all. He is 45 and has nothing saved for retirement. Has not owned a house in a decade, so has no equity to speak of. I did not put him on my mortgage after he moved in  because he had some debts that he had not paid, because he couldn't, from the time of his divorce about eight years ago. He was afraid that the creditors might put a lien on my home.

He very much lived in the moment. He was not good at saving, and was always wanting to buy a sports car, but we had too many debts to even consider a vanity car.  Right before we divorced I really think he was just going to go and buy one, even though he had medical debts to pay (he received $3000 of my annual bonus to do so).

I have no idea if he has paid any of his debts. I had to pay for the divorce, my ex went pro se.

Living in the moment, and no preparation for the future. It always made me nervous.

Things were very tight financially when we were married. What I can't understand now is why I am having absolutely no money problems, and the only thing that has changed is that my ex husband is not living with us. I've already saved thousands since he left. It's in an account, for a rainy day.

L

[Clearmind]

What was you relationship with your BPD and money? Were they expecting you to pick up the check every time? Did they always have money to buy clothes but never to pay the bills?

Borderlines do feel entitled.

If at any stage anyone feels entitled to your money, not contribute, don't pick up the check now and then... . and we don't say anything we need to start being stronger with boundaries.

My lack of boundaries is what kept my relationship going longer than it should. If I had boundaries around all including his entitlement to my money I would never have stayed as long as I did. I have no one else to blame but myself... . accountability during my break up is what helped me detach.

[lost tree]

I started a thread earlier about my story and one of the members related to it as far as money and BPD was concerned.

What was you relationship with your BPD and money? Were they expecting you to pick up the check every time? Did they always have money to buy clothes but never to pay the bills?

Would love to hear more about this

AL

Hi,

I paid for everything. Whether she had the means or not I truly don't know. What I do know is that she never offered to cover a dinner, drinks or anything for that matter.

[lost tree]

I started a thread earlier about my story and one of the members related to it as far as money and BPD was concerned.

What was you relationship with your BPD and money? Were they expecting you to pick up the check every time? Did they always have money to buy clothes but never to pay the bills?

Would love to hear more about this

AL

Hi,

I paid for everything. Whether she had the means or not I truly don't know. What I do know is that she never offered to cover a dinner, drinks or anything for that matter.

I was also asked to help her out with cash loans and asked NOT to tell her parents, I never told her parents to this day. What a terribly sad situation….as I see it two beautiful people are without soul mates because of this devastating disorder... . :'(

[ynguns2]

That's really amazing my ex did the same thing. She would always tell me about all of her exes paying her bills and crap like that. She made 85k a year and flat broke and in debt too. I remember she cheated on me in Aug and then came crawling back and like a fool I took her back and she says " why don't you buy me coach purses or put gas in my car?" I said you cheat on me and expect a gift give me a break.

[Tincup]

My ex had no money, and a fair amount of debt.  Money was always an issue with us.  She broke up with me because she said I loved money more than I loved her.

But when we went out somewhere I would buy one time and she would buy the next time.  She refused and would get mad if I tried to pay two times in a row.  Money was always an issue for her.

[nownotsure]

If at any stage anyone feels entitled to your money, not contribute, don't pick up the check now and then... . and we don't say anything we need to start being stronger with boundaries.

This was the first of many  that I chose to ignore.

My ex cleaned out our joint-savings a few days after we broke up, but no big deal as there wasn't much in it. However, she had asked 6 weeks prior to borrow almost all my savings to help make up the difference so she could buy a new car. It hadn't really occurred to me what might have happened had I agreed, until I re-read everyone's posts in this thread. Sounds like I would have ended up kissing that money goodbye.