update from uBPDsis

[beatup]

Hi All,

I & other family members who barely speak to her have just received an update from uBPDs. I wont bore you by posting it here, it is very long, per usual. It is basically an announcement that her only daughter, age 17 is gay(which we all know). She tells about her plans for the future and how she will support her.

she is hoping, despite our fractured family that this update will prevent us all from shunning her daughter at any future gatherings such as wakes & funerals.

I don't know how to respond or if I should just let it go. I do resent the idea that I would shun my niece... . but as a mother I guess I get her fear of that.

my niece has made her choices pretty clear on Facebook so I think maybe my sister just wants to be sure we know? and that she is being a good, supportive mother and of course she mentions all the expense involved.

I don't know? and why would my niece attend a funeral of family members she barely knows or doesn't know at all? She will be going to college in 2015 and I think she will be out of state.

[P.F.Change]

Hi, beatup.

It sounds like your sister may be feeling some anxiety and is doing what she knows how to do to try to alleviate it. With BPD, feelings=facts, so it can help to acknowledge the feelings even if her reasoning doesn't seem to make sense. Have you ever used SET to communicate with your sister? Do you think it might help you formulate a response in this particular situation, if you choose to respond?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[beatup]

I have used SET and drafted the following letter to BPDs. I have often signed off with "onward thru the fog". She wont get that but you all will. I just had a hard time writing without some sarcastic humor or anger. It has taken me 3 days to process and write this.

what do you think?

"I see that you are apprehensive of your child being shunned. Most mothers would surely feel way that too.


So you are reaching out to smooth the path of what is sure to be a bumpy road.


The truth is... . you have made choices and your daughter has made choices and as a result there will likely be uncomfortable or awkward occasions.

I do not know your daughter now so I would carry on as if I were meeting someone new.

Onward through the fog,

Beatup"

[GeekyGirl]

She tells about her plans for the future and how she will support her.

she is hoping, despite our fractured family that this update will prevent us all from shunning her daughter at any future gatherings such as wakes & funerals.

I don't know how to respond or if I should just let it go. I do resent the idea that I would shun my niece... . but as a mother I guess I get her fear of that.

I actually think that this goes beyond your sister's BPD. Yes, it might be a "look at what a supportive mom I am!" move, but at the same time, she might genuinely want others to support your niece. I have a number of gay/lesbian friends, and coming out was very intense and emotional for them--especially the ones who grew up in very conservative homes. From what they've told me, they were fearful of being shunned.

This might also be part of your sister working through acceptance. She may not have known about your niece's sexual orientation. She may be struggling with that information. She might be looking for empathy.

Whatever the case, when you say that you would "carry on as if [you] were meeting someone new," what would that look like? What will happen if/when your niece shows up at a family function?

[Tightrope walker]

beatup

   Personally I think that my UBPD sister loves drama and being the center of the drama.  When she relates a problem with her children she is looking more for pity and validation of her feelings, instead of any resolution.  For one year she has allowed her addicted son (Heroin) to live at her house, steal from relatives, become arrested and continue to use.  Everyone else can see the logical steps needed: boundaries, not enabling, etc.  She refuses to do any but has a crisis every week. 

   It could be that you sister is just trying to cope with her daughter's orientation.  If she thrives on crisis, I think your approach was excellent.  It is not enabling the drama nor it is shutting any doors.

    I do find that my sister likes to escalate the drama.  At some point, I just have to not communicate because she only wants her "drama fix."

                              Tightrope Walker

[beatup]

Thanks for the replies. My uBPDs surely is struggling. and I would agree that she must need to create some drama and get attention . Her email to me was indeed (overly) dramatic.

  I have learned that no one has replied to her! Wow! My brother will reply, he is just too busy right now.

I sent off my reply today. I had re-written it many times and I was comfortable with it. so now I wait... .