Broken plate/Question

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I have a question.   My ex, Assuming he is now,   has this thing of pinning on me this idea of me being the one who has done such unrepairable damage to him. He sents me this like of this saying and it goes like this.   

Grab a plate and throw it on the ground,   Okay done.    Did it break?   yes.  Now say sorry to it.  sorry. Did it go back to the way it was before?    No.    Do you understand?

 

                   This was because he shocked me into telling me is was over, then giving me the silent treatment,  then I just kept on writing him telling how I felt about what he was doing. I never called him names, I never said anything cruel to him, I was just talking, reasoning with him and basically explaining myself.  He said he gave me the silent treatment because "I" was torturing "Him",  after I said that "I " was the one who was being tortured.

What is this all about?   punishment? immaturity?  He acts as if he has no clue what his behavior has been doing to me.   I mean,dont you think his plate was all ready broken ebfore he even got to me?  I just think that was a horrible thing to display to me. Is it me?   

[goingtostopthis]

I have a question.   My ex, Assuming he is now,   has this thing of pinning on me this idea of me being the one who has done such unrepairable damage to him. He sents me this like of this saying and it goes like this.   

Grab a plate and throw it on the ground,   Okay done.    Did it break?   yes.  Now say sorry to it.  sorry. Did it go back to the way it was before?    No.    Do you understand?

 

                   This was because he shocked me into telling me is was over, then giving me the silent treatment,  then I just kept on writing him telling how I felt about what he was doing. I never called him names, I never said anything cruel to him, I was just talking, reasoning with him and basically explaining myself.  He said he gave me the silent treatment because "I" was torturing "Him",  after I said that "I " was the one who was being tortured.

What is this all about?   punishment? immaturity?  He acts as if he has no clue what his behavior has been doing to me.   I mean,dont you think his plate was all ready broken ebfore he even got to me?  I just think that was a horrible thing to display to me. Is it me?   

[Chunk Palumbo]

They have to be the victim. Always. Admitting fault is like dying to them, particularly concerning the admittance of this error to someone close to them.

It's all immaturity - all of it; they're emotionally underdeveloped. If you stick around, be prepared for the tests and blaming to reach new, hurtful heights. It will always escalate.

[cosmonaut]

The silent treatment is agonizing.  I am right there with you.  My ex is doing the same thing to me currently.  There is little in life as painful as someone you deeply love completely shutting you out, especially without reason.  Except that, in their minds, there is reason.  I think your ex is feeling engulfed.  This is a phenomenon that many pwBPD experience with those they become emotionally close.  In engulfment the pwBPD feels swallowed up by the relationship and it provokes extremely intense emotions in them.  As a result, they run.  They push you away.  It's the only way they know to deal with the dizzying amount of emotion the relationship is causing them.  You ex isn't necessarily trying to punish you, he just doesn't have any better coping mechanisms.

It is critical to realize, however, that you are NOT to blame for this.  The fear of engulfment is part of you ex's disorder.  It is not a result of anything that you did.  It is a response he has to the emotional closeness and intensity of the relationship.  When he says that you are torturing him, he is projecting.  He is torturing himself with his pushing away someone he loves, but someone that is (through no fault of yours) provoking this overwhelming feeling of loss of control.  I know it's hard to understand.  I am dealing with the exact same issue with my ex right now too.  BPD is just a devastating disorder.  It destroys lives.

Hang in there, goingtostopthis.  Keep talking to us about what's going on.  We're here for you!

[fromheeltoheal]

You can put a plate back together, you need Krazy Glue.  Hmmm... .

The way a borderline is wired they need a scapegoat, and it's you, although that has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the pathology.  There is no way for a borderline to make sense of their world and find inner contentment on their own; they need an external dumping ground for their crap.

And the fact that you're wondering if it's you has a benefit of its own: if you take that to heart it will trash your self esteem and you'll be less likely to leave, the worst thing that could happen for a borderline.

[nooseroundmyfeet]

I don't think it is you.  I have been on here for only a few weeks, but I have seen consistent posts on the BPD not being able to hear what the non-BPD considers reasoning or rational conversation.  You do get the occasional lucid response which can make things more confusing.

Prior to going NC, the one time I did ask my ex how she would feel if I did A, B, and C to her in the same way she did to me, I got the "Im sorry, dont know what happened, hate who she has become, its not you its me" response and within the hour of that comment, she indicated she was considering physically harming herself.  That drew me back in for a few days until the following week when a good friend approachd me and asked me when we broke-up because she was seen at big X-Mas function in the area with the replacement... . this is days after telling me she couldnt believe how close she had come to going through with her awful thoughts of hurting herself.

It's these memories that help me stay NC and allow me to look back at the manipulative comments that I missed before.  Before learning about BPD behaviors, I had even made the mistake of trying to apologize for one of my responses where I let my anger get the better of me and reacted.  She replied the apology truly meant the world to her and she understood how things can get emotional and tried to say she had pushed me to that level.   I was surpsrised she tried to take any responsibility but her next text cleared that up with returning to the projecting and blame and how we would be good now if I had loved her as much as she loved me


TIt appears it is really true when others have said they just don't see the relationship in the same way we did

[goingtostopthis]

Thank You Cosmonaut and every one else.

                              I just sent him an apology last night empathizing over how that must have felt to him. I told him I was triggered and didnt realize that I was over whelming him and that I thought he was giving me the silent treatment.   I dont know how much more sincere about it I could have been.  Ive been going through a weird time where I want him to answer me but I dont want him to answer me. Im afraid of him now because of his meaness.  I feel bad because this has happened before a couple of times,  and each time he would be alone with himself and then come out of it so to speak.  He has even apologized a few times.    Its been a week since we last chatted and that was when we went through this closure act.   I say act because I my instincts are telling me this is all Im really getting from him, impulsive words all ways on the defense not really thinking at all except about the results of this illness hes got. I was hoping a week would do some good and be enough time.  I guess not. I think he wants to punish and to keep on punishing me for ever. And then I wonder,  maybe Im wrong, maybe Ive interpreted his behavior as punishment because of  abusive experiences with other men before.  Im very slowly getting myself geared towards excepting that this is something I need to let go of and and get on with my life. It is tough!   Ive been so depressed.  Its been so hard getting through the day at work. Sometimes I dont feel like doing anything and all I want to do is grab my stuff ad run out of there and never come back. I just want to go home where Im safe and cope things out there. But I cant, I have to go on. He hasnt answered me, so to me that means he still hates me and he now permantly this awful mean person who will stay this way indefinitely.  And this frightens me. Half of my depressive suffering I realized the other day is due to anxiety.  Does anyone else feel this?       

[Allmessedup]

I know I feel/felt this way.  3.5 year relationship and I got the silent treatment more times than i care to count. 

I know for my ex she always needed to be right.  No matter what the argument even if it was clearly her fault she rarely took accountability.

I journal a lot about how I am feeling and this time I looked back at all the old entries and found myself screaming in my notes over and over again about her not ever talking accountability.  About how I could get upset (and rightfully so) about something and that it would somehow get twisted and become my fault.

Now IMHO a healthy relationship never involves the silent treatment.  U get angry yes.  U take  time to cool off sure but this lets pretend u don't exist on this earth is not healthy when u are in a relationship. 

Now I am nc and have been for the most part for almost 6 weeks now.  That is different.  She said she wanted to be done and so we are.  I am not giving her the silent treatment but I am refusing to do the dysfunctional dance anymore.  I will not respond to her baiting me.

It's so so so hard... . But what ur feeling is normal and it will pass.  Work on u and ur end of things.  Concentrate on that

[goingtostopthis]

Ya. I hear you.      I think he's using me  as a means of fooling himself into thinking he has some kind of personal power now. It's sad,  because this is one thing he hasn't got at all.  His life is messed up, hes jobless,  and as far as I know he could be without his computer now, or even cell phone due to un payments. There is all ways something bad and stressful going on with him.  This is what I think triggered him to start attacking me because its happened like this before.   Its been frustrating with him because it doesnt matter how good any of my advise has been to help him out,  he all ways would have an excuse as to why it wouldnt work.  That was the first red flag.

And I went through months dealing with him like this. This is the truth a part of me hasnt wanted to really deal with about him.    I couldnt figure out why he was all ways having such a hard time functioning.  Now I know why.

                            I feel so bad for him. I really do, but this isnt why Ive loved him. When hes ok he is such a wonderful person.  This is why this is so hard for me to deal with and it makes me so sad. I obviously couldnt reach him. God knows I tried and I know I made a difference but I feel Ive reached the end of the line now that Ive put the pieces together as to what's wrong with him.  I can still love him but it has to be in a different way now, meaning we have no real future. I need to go on and not denie myself a better relationship,one I depend on and bring into real life.  I dont think he wants to see what he's doing especially after this last  fight.  In the middle of it I just said it.  I suggested that he had a personality disorder and he almost had an angry seizure on me!.  Oh that was IT!   I have done it now.  I figured that was the only last hope I had to possibly have a future with him (as we have planed).  I blew our ship out of the water when I did that,  of course later on I was sorry and said over and over again that I mis judged him.  I had to basically prostate myself on the ground to him emotionally over that one.   He's lost and I want to stop taking all of this so seriously,chalk it down and find some real happiness in my life and stop allowing his behavior to get me so down. What hes doing is selfish, whether he can help it or not.  I want no part of it.  I feel hes stealing my emotions right out from under me in order to protect himself and he doesnt care what this is doing to me. He doesnt care at all. At least in the moment.    And that's enough!     

                                   

[Tausk]

I have a question.   My ex, Assuming he is now,   has this thing of pinning on me this idea of me being the one who has done such unrepairable damage to him. He sents me this like of this saying and it goes like this.   

Grab a plate and throw it on the ground,   Okay done.    Did it break?   yes.  Now say sorry to it.  sorry. Did it go back to the way it was before?    No.    Do you understand?

 

                   This was because he shocked me into telling me is was over, then giving me the silent treatment,  then I just kept on writing him telling how I felt about what he was doing. I never called him names, I never said anything cruel to him, I was just talking, reasoning with him and basically explaining myself.  He said he gave me the silent treatment because "I" was torturing "Him",  after I said that "I " was the one who was being tortured.

What is this all about?   punishment? immaturity?  He acts as if he has no clue what his behavior has been doing to me.   I mean,dont you think his plate was all ready broken ebfore he even got to me?  I just think that was a horrible thing to display to me. Is it me?   

HI Going:  It's maddening.  It's confusing.  It's scary.  And it's really painful.  It's the FOG.

I'm sorry you're going through it.

My question to you, are you Staying, Undecided, or Leaving?  I can't really tell.  Your last paragraph sounds more committed, but half measures can be very dangerous.  I had some of those years where I tried to manipulate the ':)isorder hoping it would change.  I didn't have the board, and didn't understand that the Disorder won't change unless it really really really wants to change.

All I can do is, change.  And how I change depends on which board I am on.  I hope you find some peace on the board either way.  Keep sharing.

[santa]

You probably could glue the plate back together.

[goingtostopthis]

I believe Im on the right board.   Im tierd of this question to be honest.  Im working my way towards detachment. Im certainly not on the board for working it out,one would have to ask my ex this. It isnt up to me obviously. Ive all ready stated we have no future. Just because Ive wanted some contact as friends doesnt mean we are back together.   This is not an exclusive NC board is it?    This isnt what Ive noticed. 

[Tausk]

I believe Im on the right board.   Im tierd of this question to be honest.  Im working my way towards detachment. Im certainly not on the board for working it out,one would have to ask my ex this. It isnt up to me obviously. Ive all ready stated we have no future. Just because Ive wanted some contact as friends doesnt mean we are back together.   This is not an exclusive NC board is it?    This isnt what Ive noticed.  

No Leaving and NC are not the same.  NC is just one method that may be used if it is felt to be the best option.

But some people enter the Leaving Board hoping to learn techniques that will bring the partner wBPD under control. Which is a bad idea and usually leads to more suffering.  

It's hard to know where we are at often, and the answer just like the Disorder can swing all over the place.  

But the type of support you might receive can be different on the boards.  ON this Board you may find more anger and bitterness and less support to think of way to respond that defuses the situation while maintaining interaction.  And if you want to stay and work it out, some of the responses here may not be the best.  

And the opposite is true if you actually want to leave but are posting on the staying board.  

You say that working it out, "isn't up to me."

That's the part I don't understand.  :)oes that mean, I'm staying unless I'm left by my pwBPD?

I learned that when I was thinking, if my ex does this or that, then I'll stay, but if she does so and so, I'll leave, then the control leaves me.   I become a passive person in my own decision making.  And quite frankly the answers were there in front of me.  My ex did the sames things in the relationship... . which was simply become more dis-regulated.    And our r/s became more destructive because I was not able to change.

I had to change my thought process to, "this is what I will do, and this is what I will accept, and determine if they fit in the parameters of what we have."  

But we all know the answers and responses are individual .  Good luck and keep posting on any board you feel comfortable, but with the knowledge that the feedback could be different.

[goingtostopthis]

Yes, of course the plate could be glued back together! Or why not go out and buy a brand new one that was better then the first.

                   I just think this is a perfect example of how he has to be the victim and to make me feel as bad as he possibly can. When I really havent done anything.  I think its a weird mental illness game hes got going. Its suppose to be proof of how our relationship is beyond repair and that we are broken up and over and there is nothing I can do about it. He's daming me. His reasoning for being so angry hasnt made sense and his reasoning for wanting to end things has made no sense either, and so Ive spend a considerable amount of time debating this with him, being sorry, wanting to work things out.  Hes got it in his head that I have wounded him beyond repair more or less when I have done nothing of the sort.  I apologize anyways because I want to work things out, and this statement of the plate I believe his way of saying your apologizing means nothing, you are powerless, you are dammed to hell and thats just the way it is. causing me to feel tottally powerless to all this I believe is his game where he is receiving his gain from it.  Its a distraction from the real life troubles going on in his life that he cant face. Hes projecting his own sense of helplessness and powerlessness that he feels about himself and his living situation on me.   And I know,   no contact is what has to seriously happen. I know the truth of this,  it just takes awhile for my brain to grasp all this.  He cant put 1 + 1 together and really understand where the core of all his anger is really coming from,   him and his problems. His way of life has been steadily going down, he has no job,no money, problem after problem,hes living off the state.They have this new program where they are requiring people like him who are "able" to work to show up for job placement or else they get cut off.  Maybe this happened. Technically in accordance to his mental problem, I dont think he can work but first he would have to get help for it. Not going to happen, I doubt.  It really looks like he preoccupird with surviving and hating right now,  and hating me is obviously serving him and allowing to feel  he has "some" control over something in his life. Im an out let for his rage. I know this because he went off on me about how I was trying to control him, and it came out of no where basically. I was like: Control YOU! All I could think was hes been trying too control me!     Giving him nothing now, I know is the way to go.  I know hes been feeding off my reactions to him, feeding off what love I have left and turning it against me.  All ways distorting the truth and turning it into something ugly.  Hes not so wonderful anymore, he's ugly.  He is a broken plate but he did it. Hes got no God in his life, no faith, no nothing to ground himself with. Just paranoid fantisies of alien visitations to him ,I guess to give him a sense of importance in this world. That was red flag # 2.  He keeps himself isolated so these things come easy to him.  Writing here is therapy for me to get real! There is nothing in this relationship for me but misery and frustration that doesnt belong to me. I want to move on.  Im not writing him anymore just to sit around and not be answered.  I think the other night was the last of it. Hes getting my attention and Im getting nothing but hell and more misery. He doesnt care. He wants to punish. He wants to assert his new authority over me and we all know what he can do with it.