Had about all I could take.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

She has been staying with me in my apartment for some time now. My BPD SO is just sitting in MY bedroom crying non-stop. Crying and crying when this very morning she deliberately made a ruckus on the living room (which I was trying to sleep in) and was very rude. I want her out of my apartment. She has these "breakdowns" where she cries and has a foul mood and acts with little consideration to myself. This happens every two to three months. I'm tired of dealing with it, I'm tired of her demands for "help" when I've offered solution after solution to her problems. She practically wants me to do every thing for her. I've checked out emotionally a year ago.

I'm afraid if I do, she'll call the cops and sue for unlawful eviction. Her name isn't on the lease for the apartment and there are no reciepts of her paying the bills (and that wasn't the rent, it was cable.) save for one.

I'm afraid of losing my apartment and having to move back in with my parents, but I cannot take it anymore.

[Vatz]

She has been staying with me in my apartment for some time now. My BPD SO is just sitting in MY bedroom crying non-stop. Crying and crying when this very morning she deliberately made a ruckus on the living room (which I was trying to sleep in) and was very rude. I want her out of my apartment. She has these "breakdowns" where she cries and has a foul mood and acts with little consideration to myself. This happens every two to three months. I'm tired of dealing with it, I'm tired of her demands for "help" when I've offered solution after solution to her problems. She practically wants me to do every thing for her. I've checked out emotionally a year ago.

I'm afraid if I do, she'll call the cops and sue for unlawful eviction. Her name isn't on the lease for the apartment and there are no reciepts of her paying the bills (and that wasn't the rent, it was cable.) save for one.

I'm afraid of losing my apartment and having to move back in with my parents, but I cannot take it anymore.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Vatz,

I know that you've been dealing with situation for quite some time now.  I'm sorry that things have gotten worse.  It's painful to feel stuck and go through the emotional drama, too.

Have you had a chance to investigate the renter laws in your state/area?  What rights do you have, and what rights does she have? 

Do you want to continue the relationship but just not live together?  Have you communicated to your gf what you want to happen and when?

Sorry about all the questions.  I don't know how far you've planned your next move, or if you need more time to reflect, so feel free to write more as you feel moved to.

Hang in there, Vatz.  We're here for you.

[Vatz]

Hi Vatz,

I know that you've been dealing with situation for quite some time now.  I'm sorry that things have gotten worse.  It's painful to feel stuck and go through the emotional drama, too.

Have you had a chance to investigate the renter laws in your state/area?  What rights do you have, and what rights does she have? 

Do you want to continue the relationship but just not live together?  Have you communicated to your gf what you want to happen and when?

Sorry about all the questions.  I don't know how far you've planned your next move, or if you need more time to reflect, so feel free to write more as you feel moved to.

Hang in there, Vatz.  We're here for you.

I neither want to continue the relationship or live together. ALTHOUGH... . if I wanted her to find a place of her own while away from me, under the pretense that we're still together. But that won't happen because she will take ZERO initiative and I'll have to do all the legwork. Seems like it would be worth it, but even convincing her seems impossible. My folks might know what to do and how to approach the problem. We had a verbal agreement that she won't raise voice over a certain level, but she broke that. She actually broke a few things in the apartment and that's usually enough.

But no, I neither want to be with her or any of that. Last time she talked to me about helping her with her problems and I told her that it's never enough. Basically she said "If I can't get the help I need, then there's no point." If I break up with her, and she stays hopefully she'll eventually leave of her own accord.

As for renter laws, if she has stayed in my home for 30 days regardless of lease then she is entitled to stay unless she has been given proper warning. Seeing as how she is not on the lease SHE is trespassing. But by letting her be a guest in my apartment for so long, it sort of becomes a legal issue for me. I told her from the start that she isn't actually living here with me, she's a guest. I was hoping her stay would help her get on her feet and maybe even reconcile with her parents and no such luck whatsoever. Instead I have to deal with her issues and she refuses to help herself in any way. She's been abusive before and I found myself yelling at her on a few occasions and am not liking who I'm turning into.

I just want her gone. But I feel like I'll be paying a steep price. My folks worked so hard in helping me get this place and furnishing it. Much as I really care about keeping my apartment. I care more about her undermining my parent's hard work.

[Vatz]

The worst part of it all is the feeling of guilt, remorse and losing someone who I thought of as a friend. But when I think of my life 20 years from now, I don't see her treating me any better. Even if she does I've built up too much resentment for it to really count.

Through all this I still care for her, but all this pain and suffering is exactly what's wrong with the relationship. Though I may care deeply for her and her well-being, I am paying for it with my health. I'm suffering because I want out but feel as if not only am I throwing her under the bus, but that I'm also losing something valuable and special. Does she care? I don't know. She tells me at times she wants to do better, that she wants to take care of me. But... . I don't know.

I'm unhappy in this relationship and I just want the nightmare to end. I want to wake up tomorrow and all this has just been a bad dream. That either I wake up and she's consistently nice to me and apparently always has been (and remains so.) Or that none of this ever happened, and I'm alone, 22 years old and still living with my folks who love me.

[DreamGirl]

You still seem a little bit on the fence?

I'm tired of dealing with it, I'm tired of her demands for "help" when I've offered solution after solution to her problems.

What would happen if you didn't offer to help?

Our own mental health is up to "us". Codependency and enmeshment happen when we start relying on others to maintain it. I think this is where the resentment is flourishing, when she expects you to solve all her emotional issues, but they are really hers to solve. She suffers from a mood regulation disorder, so she doesn't really have the best coping skills when she gets in these episodes. That's tough on both of you.

It's a common theme in these relationships.

[Vatz]

You still seem a little bit on the fence?

I'm tired of dealing with it, I'm tired of her demands for "help" when I've offered solution after solution to her problems.

What would happen if you didn't offer to help?

Our own mental health is up to "us". Codependency and enmeshment happen when we start relying on others to maintain it. I think this is where the resentment is flourishing, when she expects you to solve all her emotional issues, but they are really hers to solve. She suffers from a mood regulation disorder, so she doesn't really have the best coping skills when she gets in these episodes. That's tough on both of you.

It's a common theme in these relationships.

If I didn't offer to help she'd either rage at me, probably guilt me for a while. She might leave or find someone else to "help" her. Either that or she'll give in and realize no one is coming to the rescue.

I'm tired of constantly trying to anticipate her needs and be vigilant of her moods. But yeah, I'm always on the fence.