Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
June 22, 2021, 05:45:47 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Turkish
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
222
Pages: 1 2 [All]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Strong or weak  (Read 3401 times)
Perfidy
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Divorced/18 years Single/5 months that I know of.
Posts: 1594



« on: February 20, 2014, 08:55:16 PM »

Still processing the encounter with the exBPDgf. We haven't been in the same room together since last May. We have had no communication since June or July. She has attempted to contact me a few times but I won't respond. So she approached me in person about ten days ago. She told me that I haunt all of her dreams and she thinks about me every day. She apologized but she didn't say what she was apologizing for.

Ok, now I have thought about her daily since we split but haven't been acting on my obsessive thoughts, rumination. Apparently, from what she said she has been obsessing/ruminating as well. I believe she was acting compulsively because of her obsession. She did not seek permission to approach me in person after we have become virtual strangers for almost a year.

What I wonder is, was I was strong in my resolve to remain detaching by not acknowledging her, or if I was being weak by refusing to engage her when she approached me. In other words, should I have heard her out and responded to her in conversation. I really think its weird, her just approaching me like that.

In reflection of this encounter and possible outcomes, I feel like I did the best thing that I could have for both of us. I actually took it pretty hard splitting up with her. I even feel like I'm doing better with it than she is because of her displayed compulsion to approach me. It's pretty weird.
Logged
node4
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 56



« Reply #1 on: February 20, 2014, 09:09:27 PM »

I think you are a G... . Gangster... . It took allot of balls not to say a word. You did the right thing, I would have done the same thing. Remember every weak moment, every lonely night, every time you thought about what she was doing? What did I do wrong, and what did I do to deserve this... . and ask yourself a question... . did you do the right thing... . I say hell yea... .

Air High Five on that move... .
Logged
myself
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3151


« Reply #2 on: February 20, 2014, 09:14:39 PM »

I feel like I did the best thing that I could have for both of us.

Answered your own question.

Except this is about you now, not her.

If you had done it differently, would it be different now?

If you're not sure, there's always next time. 

She shows up and the FOG returns. It happens.

The strongest and best thing to do is keep detaching.

You already knew that, that's why you've been doing it.

Sorry man. Another bump in the road. Keep going.

Logged
fromheeltoheal
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up, I left her
Posts: 5642


« Reply #3 on: February 20, 2014, 09:17:11 PM »

From a BPD perspective, her approaching you, telling you about her dreams, and her apology are all attachment attempts, or attempts to see if an emotional attachment with you is still in place, the push/pull nature of the disorder, you left her life which leaves her feeling abandoned.  And of course it's subconscious, she couldn't articulate it like that.  Mine tried the same thing 8 months after I left her and I was having none of it.

The ultimate test of detachment might be to let her make her attachment attempts to you in person while you see if you can stay emotionally detached and indifferent.  From your reaction you didn't, but instead of labeling it strong or weak, better to just focus on your needs and not hers; what do you need to do for you?  There are plenty of ways to be strong, getting good at staying emotionally detached from someone with a mental illness that you used to be intimate with is one way I suppose, but for me it's too challenging and not worth my time; shrinks have trouble with these people and there is no upside for me, so why go there.  Take care of you!
Logged
ShadowDancer
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 502


WWW
« Reply #4 on: February 20, 2014, 09:26:50 PM »

Perfidy,

         What's perfect in this world. IMHO... . you did good enough! It certainly could have been worse as in... . "you haunt my dreams too"... . and then we are off to the races all over again. One word lets them in... . no words leave them out in the cold... . guessing. You "OWE" no explanation. Pay back... . it's a bhit!

P.S.  As I think about it you could have responded to the you haunt my dreams with... . "sounds like a nightmare". But who thinks of snappy come back in a moment like that. Yeah... . silence speaks volumes. No need to pick it apart. You da man! Strong and silent!
Logged
winston72
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 688



« Reply #5 on: February 20, 2014, 09:30:53 PM »

I agree and affirm the post from FromHeeltoHeal.  

I think the question of weak or strong is not aligned with the reasons for your silence.  Among your goals has been to detach from her and your strategy of no contact is crucial to this.  You have executed it well and the results have been positive.  It is a reasonable and appropriate way to treat her.  You acted consistent with your goals and your stately when she approached you.  I think it took commitment and discipline to do that.  In that instance, and without warning, you acted consistent with your values and your boundaries.  Well done.

If you had decided to acknowledge her or engage in any small way, would that be weak or strong?  Again, I don't think that is relevant.

So, that is one analysis of the event... . perhaps more important though is what you are feeling about it now.  Something is working its way within you or making you a bit unsettled... . what is it?

Logged

Tausk
Formerly "Schroeder's Piano"
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 843


« Reply #6 on: February 20, 2014, 09:33:24 PM »

I finally figured out the best response is the one that helps me to detach.  As opposed to the response that elicits the best response from the Disorder.  In part because the best response to the Disorder changes from moment to moment, dependent upon the Dis-associative State of the Disorder.  Make any sense? Sometime not to me.

I hope that I can have the where with all to handle any situation with ex, with as much mindfulness as you did.  Her approaching you in that manner is a violation of boundaries.  I don't know if I'd crumble in hope that she's cured, or if I'd move to the point of anger and rage as I try to fight the violation.

But basic NC is a safe response because it's consistent and without emotion (at least on the outside).

More importantly, how are you doing today with the trigger.  I'd be a wreck for a while if that happened to me.  The PTSD and the Trauma bond are very strong factors in my recovery to this day.

Glad you're posting and thanks for sharing.

Logged
Perfidy
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Divorced/18 years Single/5 months that I know of.
Posts: 1594



« Reply #7 on: February 20, 2014, 10:22:52 PM »

Winston, that's what I'm trying to determine. I am unsettled and something is working its way in or out of me. I'm not even sure. Maybe just more residual feeling. Maybe still holding hope a little. Maybe just simple curiosity. I don't know. I do know a little more about my self and how the pwBPD was able to expose my core trauma and how we were the perfect match. I know that I felt more love for her than any other human that I've met, albeit misguided love? The love I felt was missing in my life since childhood? The value and love that I should have placed on my self instead. I wish I knew. Every time I speak to my counselor about my core issues now she reminds me that it's all in the past. I really do understand. I'm looking for some kind of wonder fix that isn't there. It's the here and now. Right now it's not eating me up to the point of anxiety or deep depression, and I can consider that growth.

Thank all of you for your replies. I'm not having a huge crises over this but man, I'm sure glad I have a place to go with it. I loved her so damn much.

Logged
Turkish
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned in Feb 2013.
Posts: 11044


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #8 on: February 21, 2014, 12:40:21 AM »

You did what you needed to do for you. I wouldn't call that weak at all; just the the opposite, in fact: courageous.
Logged

    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
Changingman
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Daughter 15, Son 14
Posts: 644



« Reply #9 on: February 21, 2014, 01:34:42 AM »

You kept it together,

Kept the drama cool

Mindful. Resolve.

Not unkind,

Grown up

Maybe this hurts for good reason

Good luck Perfidy

Logged
KE151
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 311



« Reply #10 on: February 21, 2014, 02:14:00 AM »

Strong can be soft but hard is ultimately fragile. I think you're probably much stronger than you think. You'll be surprised one day when you realize how far you've come from the lowest point you've experienced. An encounter like that with your X just messes with your mind for a while. Stay the course Perfidy.

Logged
Dog biscuit
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 193


« Reply #11 on: February 21, 2014, 05:10:06 AM »

What I wonder is, was I was strong in my resolve to remain detaching by not acknowledging her, or if I was being weak by refusing to engage her when she approached me.

In reflection of this encounter and possible outcomes, I feel like I did the best thing that I could have for both of us.

Im not sure if I understand the question you ask properly, so excuse in advance if my response is not matching your question.

You ask if it was strong or weak to not acknowledge her or to get into the conversation with her. I dont know off course, but what I do know is that it depends on the underlying emotion you feel when choosing not to engage.

I tend to feel weak when I base such a decision opon an underlying feeling a fear ( eventough it is completely understandable and smart even). When feelings of fear are involved I tend to regard myself as 'weak".

Are you fearfull of her ability to hurt you again?

I also wonder about why it is that you feel it is the best decision for the both of you, and not the best decision for you as an individual?

Logged
Perfidy
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Divorced/18 years Single/5 months that I know of.
Posts: 1594



« Reply #12 on: February 21, 2014, 01:26:50 PM »

Dog biscuit, I do care about her but I know I can't be anything but conflict to her. As far as having conversation, I've no trust for her. Nothing she says could be truth. Conversation would be only confusing and cause more needless waste of energy. Pointless. Besides, it's all been said. Nothing left to say. I wasn't feeling much fear, more disgust. Repulsion. The only reason I took her into account is because she was there, trying to have some kind of interaction with me, an interaction that I halted immediately by walking away. She hasn't tried again.

I was figuring out if my behavior reflected strength or weakness in my own personal character. I tend to agree with some of the replies here that it doesn't really matter. I really like what heeltoheal said about finding strength by testing it with mentally disordered people, however, I didn't initiate or solicit contact. It just happened out of the blue, prompted by nothing other than her compulsive behavior.

Also what myself mentioned. She shows up and the fog rolls in. That's exactly what happened. That's the reason I'm leaning on you right now. I was having some doubt that I did the right thing for my self. As you know, we attached deeper and stronger than a healthy relationship should. I can't help it. I'm human.
Logged
ShadowDancer
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 502


WWW
« Reply #13 on: February 21, 2014, 02:05:03 PM »

I know, I know, sometimes my thinking is abstract and I tend to want to land on the absolute superlative where this experience is concerned. But I do have a thought when reading this post... .

My life is quite like a garden. I have many plants to tend. There is always something painful about removing that one plant that I have spent so much time and energy on in my tending of the total garden in the hope for it to grow. There comes a time when I have to make space for the healthy plants by removing the one that is not thriving and providing the fruit needed to justify my effort towards its survival. Painful... . yes... . is my total effort in this "pruning" lost?... . no, as I have the full opportunity of garden to tend and protect to harvest. This is how friends and lovers come and go in my life. The ones that bear fruit in response to the effort remain in place, the ones that don't and are just taking up space and energy and are eventually removed as weeds or they naturally just fade way in the shadow of the healthy.

I am a hunter/warrior as well. My bow is my provision, my shield is my protection. Should I not tend and string my bow with love and concern my aim will not be true and my life will become ineffective. Should I neglect my shield as it lays at my feet I shall suffer the arrows of life that are sure to come. There is no shame in being a wounded warrior in that knowledge brought to mind by this lifes experience that there are times when we have to make hard decisions between maintaining what is a valuable and necessary need to us in relation to what it is we simply want or in the the dwelling on what could have been... . in comparison to what is.

As my ol mentor says to me quite often... . "No cryin in the garden... . your tears will never be enough".



Logged
Perfidy
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Divorced/18 years Single/5 months that I know of.
Posts: 1594



« Reply #14 on: February 21, 2014, 03:24:44 PM »

Shadowdancer, thank you for the reply. The allegorical perspective inspires me and I can relate to what you wrote. I don't desire a backward backward glance and didn't appreciate her throwing one in my face. It would be like taking out all of the healthy plants in the garden and nurturing the weeds to dwell on it. I understand the warriors ways as well. Taking up battle is a sacred duty that implies careful thought and not unbridled want of destruction. An effective teacher is a great warrior. The greatest warriors are the greatest teachers and often the greatest leaders. Knowing that my strength can also be weakness helps keep me balanced emotionally.
Logged
ShadowDancer
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 502


WWW
« Reply #15 on: February 21, 2014, 05:08:28 PM »

Taking up battle is a sacred duty that implies careful thought and not unbridled want of destruction. An effective teacher is a great warrior. The greatest warriors are the greatest teachers and often the greatest leaders. Knowing that my strength can also be weakness helps keep me balanced emotionally.

It is here my friend that we find our great paradox. The equilibrium of living in personal spiritual balance in a world of escalating koyaanisqatsi and attendant destruction. Like a man on a tight-rope, vision forward, we step ever so thoughtfully... . else one single mis-step left or right... . the result is the same.
Logged
Learning_curve74
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1333



« Reply #16 on: February 21, 2014, 08:58:44 PM »

Perfidy, I think you did what you needed to do. Sometimes we cling to the words when those words can't be trusted. So what would be the point of talking when that is the case?
Logged

Turkish
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned in Feb 2013.
Posts: 11044


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #17 on: February 21, 2014, 09:14:25 PM »

Shadowdancer, thank you for the reply. The allegorical perspective inspires me and I can relate to what you wrote. I don't desire a backward backward glance and didn't appreciate her throwing one in my face. It would be like taking out all of the healthy plants in the garden and nurturing the weeds to dwell on it. I understand the warriors ways as well. Taking up battle is a sacred duty that implies careful thought and not unbridled want of destruction. An effective teacher is a great warrior. The greatest warriors are the greatest teachers and often the greatest leaders. Knowing that my strength can also be weakness helps keep me balanced emotionally.

Have you ever read Musashi Miyamoto's  The Book Of Five Rings? He is thought to have been the greatest Samurai who ever lived... . by virtue of dying a natural death in old age when most samurai died by about age 23. And he died undefeated in duel, even those against multiple opponents. He quit the fighting and turned warrior philosopher.

I started reading the book when this whole mess started and then left off... . Need to get off my fiction kick as of late (escapism) and get back to it. It was recommended to me by my firearms instructor, himself a protege of Col. Jeff Cooper (whose books are great, too).
Logged

    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
myself
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3151


« Reply #18 on: February 21, 2014, 09:28:56 PM »

"Bend but not break. Bend if you want to bend." (Abraham Lincoln)

No, just kidding. I don't know that he really said that. Just saw the recent movie, where he was getting it from every side. He kept steering towards what was right, not what was easiest. The people who stuck to the old patterns were the ones who were hurt. Because they resisted balance.

The wind's still blowing. There's always weather. You're prepared.
Logged
Perfidy
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Divorced/18 years Single/5 months that I know of.
Posts: 1594



« Reply #19 on: February 21, 2014, 09:45:28 PM »

Learningcurve, the thought of trusting her words is what held me away this long to begin with. Hell, anybody with even a half baked brain wouldn't approach the person they crapped all over with those words. I'm having a big What the heck moment. Trying to understand what's going on with her and kind of putting my self on the back burner again. We're virtually strangers! What gives with this " complex bond" crap? I'm understanding more now and wondering more too. Here we go... . if what she said is true for her, then she's having a tougher time with this crap than I am. I thought I was the only one that had daily thought of the other! Oh, it makes me want to get hold of her and just make a big fool of myself. Geeze, what a mistake that would be. Where would my value fall? My self respect would be ashamed to be seen with me. Ok, she made a mistake, she said she was sorry. She can't quit thinking about me. My wheels are turning.

I told a friend what happened and he said without missing a beat " you should have hit her over the head with a bottle." Almost pissed myself laughing. Geeze.
Logged
ShadowDancer
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 502


WWW
« Reply #20 on: February 21, 2014, 10:45:12 PM »

Perfidy,

         Nuff of the ruinous ruminations. I'm gonna tell ya what I think having, heard "all that"... . including the dream malarkey. This lead off relationship re-introduction statement by her is one of the obvious "hook em" phrases right out of the BPD manipulation playbook.

Hate to throw a wrench into your happy moment of thinking you are so important to her and have left her so swooning in your power that she is writhing for you in her dreams. Fact is she only is fishing, with pretty crappy bait to boot, and if any thinking is going on on her part, it is nothing other than Perfidy may "still" be good door-mat narc supply. Wake up bro... . you aint dreamin... . she is lying!

I swear to all that is real... . Check out Henry Rollins Youtube "Liar"... . that's the truth of the matter. Then after, get back to your own thoughts, your own life, your own dreams.

You aint no sucka fish! Smiling (click to insert in post)

P.S. I even heard "when I was doing him I was thinking of you". Yeah riiiiight.
Logged
Perfidy
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Divorced/18 years Single/5 months that I know of.
Posts: 1594



« Reply #21 on: February 21, 2014, 11:01:02 PM »

I hear you shadowdancer. The whole thing is just plain weird from the git go. My buddy really cracked me up though. She can crawl back to me on her hands and knees through broken glass with a Guinness in her mouth for me. Then and only then will I tell her to fu€k off.
Logged
ShadowDancer
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 502


WWW
« Reply #22 on: February 21, 2014, 11:05:19 PM »

I hear you shadowdancer. The whole thing is just plain weird from the git go. My buddy really cracked me up though. She can crawl back to me on her hands and knees through broken glass with a Guinness in her mouth for me. Then and only then will I tell her to fu€k off.

Problem with that one is... . since she has been gone... . there is just no telling where that mouth has been.

So... . your gonna have to buy your own.
Logged
Perfidy
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Divorced/18 years Single/5 months that I know of.
Posts: 1594



« Reply #23 on: February 21, 2014, 11:11:07 PM »

Can't believe she would think she hasn't blown it with me. Really?
Logged
ShadowDancer
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 502


WWW
« Reply #24 on: February 21, 2014, 11:28:05 PM »

Can't believe she would think she hasn't blown it with me. Really?

[/quote Blown it... . how appropriate... . yeah... . precisely my point... . she blew it all right! Smiling (click to insert in post)
Logged
Perfidy
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Divorced/18 years Single/5 months that I know of.
Posts: 1594



« Reply #25 on: February 21, 2014, 11:33:12 PM »

Understandable why people go through countless recycles. Takes two to tango.
Logged
Perfidy
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Divorced/18 years Single/5 months that I know of.
Posts: 1594



« Reply #26 on: February 22, 2014, 12:44:24 AM »

Couple lessons I learned here. Don't sit with my back to the door. Believe not what I hear and half of what I see.
Logged
janey62
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: Uncertain...
Posts: 310



« Reply #27 on: February 22, 2014, 03:44:57 AM »

The thing is Perfidy that just because she says she is thinking about you all the time and that you haunt her dreams doesn't make it true?

It's much, much more likely that she is on her own at the moment, temporarily of course, and had a fleeting thought that perhaps you would be open to her approach, and if not she'd lost nothing in trying.  I'd bet all of my remaining teeth that she only thought about you the day/hour before deciding to approach you.  The fact, as you so rightly point out, that she shat on you and made your life miserable has escaped her.  She is not to be trusted, her words are designed to get maximum benefit for her and she doesn't care a damn how much you would be hurt.

I used to be what I called 'emotionally immoral' when I was younger.  I had a pretty hitty introduction to relationships and men, and so was prone to loving and leaving and then coming back sometimes and messing with their heads, but there would come a point where I would realise what I was doing and how much I was hurting that person, and as I grew up I became more compassionate and wouldn't dream of re-approaching someone, however lost and lonely I felt... .

Regroup Perfidy... . you are doing so well.  Keep working on detaching.



Janey xx
Logged
janey62
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: Uncertain...
Posts: 310



« Reply #28 on: February 22, 2014, 03:49:40 AM »

Ahhhh?  I missed the 2nd page so my twopennyworth has already been said, so eloquently, by Shadowdancer, so, What He Said!

Smiling (click to insert in post)
Logged
Numbers
Formerly "4 8 15 16 23 42"
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 140


« Reply #29 on: February 22, 2014, 06:13:05 AM »

Perdify,

if what she said were true, she would be all over you trying to win you back in a way that would not be confusing to you. Saying "I missed you" is not a legitimate win-back strategy. It is in fact asking of you to disown your own hurt and do all the work instead of her.

Now, since she is most certainly insincere, the question is - what was the point. Well, we will never know as she will never admit the truth, and even if she does, you will never be able to trust her on it.

So, I'd say that you were very, very strong. It is normal seeing her triggers you, but that too is a part of healing. Next time (if it happens) it will be easier and easier.

Oh, you can be 100% certain that she is crying to everyone who would listen about how insensitive sob you were, but you cannot do anything about it, and honestly it is most probably just a drop in the ocean of other things that she already lied about you. While it is reasonable if this angers you, truth is that most of the slander is already in the past, so who cares.

Hope this helps.
Logged
ShadowDancer
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 502


WWW
« Reply #30 on: February 22, 2014, 06:20:02 AM »

Janey,

        I get a sense from your insight that you have a lot to offer on this board (aside from you compliment  Smiling (click to insert in post)). I do hope to hear more from you on these matters. Please... . join the discussion more often.
Logged
janey62
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: Uncertain...
Posts: 310



« Reply #31 on: February 22, 2014, 07:33:11 AM »

Thank you ShadowDancer for the compliment  Smiling (click to insert in post)  I am here and about and posting and will now keep it up thanks to your encouragement.

Started my new job last Monday so was pretty knackered and in bed by 8.30 most nights in the week, head full of new stuff!   And so grateful to have got through another week without weakening in the r/s department... .

Janey xx
Logged
ShadowDancer
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 502


WWW
« Reply #32 on: February 22, 2014, 07:38:58 AM »

Thank you ShadowDancer for the compliment  Smiling (click to insert in post)  I am here and about and posting and will now keep it up thanks to your encouragement.

Started my new job last Monday so was pretty knackered and in bed by 8.30 most nights in the week, head full of new stuff!   And so grateful to have got through another week without weakening in the r/s department... .

Janey xx

Wow lots of new stuff going on! You sound like your taking good care of yourself. You go girl! Being cool (click to insert in post)

P.S. It is so interesting how this dilemma crosses all gender lines, professions ect. ect... Sometimes in our bewilderment we forget there a good and kind people out there who share our grief. We barbarian men do need the perspectives of good women to know that we do not have an exclusive experience in all this. Keeps us in line.  I thank you.
Logged
janey62
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: Uncertain...
Posts: 310



« Reply #33 on: February 22, 2014, 02:07:48 PM »

Hi, yes ShadowDancer, lots of new stuff happening in my life... .

I woke up this morning after dreaming about my son's father (not a pwBPD) whom I split up with 16 years ago.

I sometimes dream about him and he is always being kind and loving and understanding, sweeping me up and saving me (he wasn't any of these in reality) and I wake up feeling warm and sad all at the same time.

After my dream this morning I began to try to think about all of my past relationships and analyse them.  It was quite hard actually to focus, as if I had a kind of amnesia around this.     If I'm brutally honest though and write it all down, there were quite a few who had BPD traits and/or were abandoning (see ex above, son's dad).  The one or two who were 'normal' didn't have the same appeal for me.  I was on a mission, to feel the pain, to feel abandoned, acting out some FOO drama, trying to get it right. 

Men (relationships) have represented salvation, protection, being cared for, being abandoned and neglected, being abused, being used as a sexual object, being loved and being devalued!  Phew!  No wonder I struggle.  What I long for is the salvation, what I get is something else!  What I need is something else altogether.

I guess the thing to do is work, work, work towards being well enough ourselves to able to have a healthy (enough) relationship, even if we never actually completely achieve it. 

I think Perfidy that you are like me, you are trying to repair the early damage with dysfunctional relationships.  You're not in love unless you're in pain?  like me!  That's what the 'complex bond' is about, us needing the pain and them providing it, while they need saving and we try to save them.  It's a bit like the bond you'd have with someone you were in a 'disaster movie' with, trapped in a collapsed building together and fighting for survival, even two complete strangers in that situation would form a deep and unique emotional bond... .

Wow!  Dark stuff for a Saturday night, think I will watch something frivolous on Netflix now!

I love you guys... .

Janey xxx

Logged
fromheeltoheal
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up, I left her
Posts: 5642


« Reply #34 on: February 22, 2014, 03:00:25 PM »

I think Perfidy that you are like me, you are trying to repair the early damage with dysfunctional relationships.  You're not in love unless you're in pain?  like me!  That's what the 'complex bond' is about, us needing the pain and them providing it, while they need saving and we try to save them.  It's a bit like the bond you'd have with someone you were in a 'disaster movie' with, trapped in a collapsed building together and fighting for survival, even two complete strangers in that situation would form a deep and unique emotional bond... .

Yep.  Someone posted something a therapist had said the other day: we weren't in relationships, we were in need fulfillment bonds.  And it was when I finally woke up and realized that not only were my needs not getting met, never had been except for the illusion of the first 3 months, that her needs would be endless and never be met, that I left her.  So now the focus is how is a healthy relationship different?
Logged
Perfidy
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Divorced/18 years Single/5 months that I know of.
Posts: 1594



« Reply #35 on: February 22, 2014, 03:07:51 PM »

Janey, how are you today? I'm ok, kind of blah. I like the insights and openness of your replies. In that pain is part of life, I tend to accept pain. I certainly don't understand how I could ever come to the conclusion that love equals pain, but that seems accurate. Just another incongruity that I wish to come to terms with. I'm sure that FOO, where I have my instructions in relationships, comes heavily into play where pain equals love, facilitating the need for re-parenting, or as I see it, creating my own self discipline in a system of rehabilitation that doesn't have to include punishment.

I'm having conflicting thoughts about her contacting me. I haven't acted on any of my feelings. One thought that I have is to email her and ask her what she was thinking yelling me all that crap after discarding me and then following it up by inflicting massive emotional pain. I know this again would only induce more of the horror that I have already had enough of. Let it pass and be mindful is my only correct behavior. This is what I feel. Perfidy.
Logged
janey62
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: Uncertain...
Posts: 310



« Reply #36 on: February 22, 2014, 03:21:53 PM »

... . and you're allowed to feel it.  Acting on it on the other hand is a different matter, though you don't sound as if you're about to.  I doubt you'd get the answers you crave anyway, just more confusion.

I'm good today, thank you for asking.  I had a lovely walk this morning with my dogs in the forest and breathed in masses of amazingly sweet clean fresh air.  I met a friend who has been teaching in Nepal for lunch and she brought me lovely colourful gifts and tales of her adventures.

It's weird because I feel kind of alone and lonely but also excited!  I think I'm on the brink of something really wonderful; me and my life starting to make some sense.  My first week in my new job was exciting and tiring and great!

Thankfully my ex has been keeping a fairly low profile, apart from some texts the other night begging me to try again.  I was consistent in my responses and he gave up in the end.  Very upsetting, but each time it happens I get stronger.  I have been thinking about you and your situation and also reading what ClearMind says about NC.  She says that it doesn't help you to detach and I think I agree.  In a way we have to learn to trust ourselves to be in contact and not get drawn back in.  Does that make some sort of crazy sense?  Otherwise we are living in fear and hope that they will maintain the NC and that we will have the strength not to break it... . not sure how safe that is.  It's a bit like saying the only way I can avoid using heroin is if I'm never in contact with it?  Sooner or later we're gonna crack (excuse the pun).

You sound confused Perf... . hang in there   

Janey xx

Logged
Perfidy
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Divorced/18 years Single/5 months that I know of.
Posts: 1594



« Reply #37 on: February 22, 2014, 03:26:36 PM »

From heeltoheal, that bond is one of the strangest events I've experienced, if not the single strangest thing that has happened to me so far. In my experience, just having no contact doesn't break it. Sure, the physical part is gone but the emotional attachment is still there in greater and lesser degrees. It's been almost a year and although I've been detaching, I still have some attachment and it is a source of discomfort. I am seriously considering hypnotherapy, as this bond seems to go beyond my conscious ability to eradicate. Meditation is very helpful in not acting on the thoughts that I have of her, but if possible I would prefer not to have her in my thoughts.
Logged
fromheeltoheal
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up, I left her
Posts: 5642


« Reply #38 on: February 22, 2014, 03:55:12 PM »

From heeltoheal, that bond is one of the strangest events I've experienced, if not the single strangest thing that has happened to me so far. In my experience, just having no contact doesn't break it. Sure, the physical part is gone but the emotional attachment is still there in greater and lesser degrees. It's been almost a year and although I've been detaching, I still have some attachment and it is a source of discomfort. I am seriously considering hypnotherapy, as this bond seems to go beyond my conscious ability to eradicate. Meditation is very helpful in not acting on the thoughts that I have of her, but if possible I would prefer not to have her in my thoughts.

I dunno, the more I think about it and process, the more I think she was in a need fulfillment bond and I was trying to have a 'normal' relationship.  She became someone she thought I'd be attracted to, lied about more things than I can count, many of which were straight up manipulations, all while calling, texting, emailing all day every day, hanging on my every word, listening to my breathing, all the things someone with an attachment disorder does to affect that attachment.

Sure, I got lost in it, and when she flopped to continuous dissatisfaction and eventually hating me, I got obsessed with getting back to what we had in the beginning, and put up with far more abuse than I should have trying to get there.  But it was never OK, never what I thought a relationship should be; I knew where I was going with the relationship and wanted her to go with me, it was not to be, and yes I got lost for a while, but as soon as I connected with the fact she could never go there with me I left her.  Trauma bond?  I don't think so.  Wake up call is more accurate; see what happens when I go into a relationship blind, naive and with no boundaries?  I get my ass kicked.  Time to grow the fck up, build and maintain strong boundaries, and never, ever, ignore my intuition again.

Anyway, sorry, rambling.  My point is that my opinion and perception of her, myself and the relationship have changed over time, as has my version of what role she played in my life.  I read this morning from a self proclaimed expert on the disorder that if we're still obsessing about a borderline it's because that obsession provides a distraction from emotions we're not wanting to feel.  Totally rings true for me.  I've spent a lot of time avoiding emotions, drugs and alcohol back in the day, work, adrenaline action sports, exercise, whatever, and it has been very tough to not do any of that and just sit with my emotions, but there is no longer any choice.  I spent most of 2013 very pissed off, a phase I apparently needed to go through, and now I've been depressed, not just about her, in fact really not about her at all, about all the times and things that have happened that were a result of weak boundaries and naivety, all the people who took advantage of that.  The good news is the depression is just another stage and it will pass, as long as I go through it and not try to go around it, while focusing on my future and taking care of myself.  Any of that ring true?
Logged
janey62
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: Uncertain...
Posts: 310



« Reply #39 on: February 22, 2014, 04:17:44 PM »

All of it actually.  This bit in particular for me... .

'Sure, I got lost in it, and when she flopped to continuous dissatisfaction and eventually hating me, I got obsessed with getting back to what we had in the beginning, and put up with far more abuse than I should have trying to get there.  But it was never OK, never what I thought a relationship should be; I knew where I was going with the relationship and wanted her to go with me, it was not to be, and yes I got lost for a while, but as soon as I connected with the fact she could never go there with me I left her.  Trauma bond?  I don't think so.  Wake up call is more accurate; see what happens when I go into a relationship blind, naive and with no boundaries?  I get my ass kicked.  Time to grow the fck up, build and maintain strong boundaries, and never, ever, ignore my intuition again.'

... . except that it wasn't the first one that I went into blind, but yes, yes, yes to the wake up call... . I really needed it and will never be the same again.  I always wanted to listen to my intuition but didn't have the confidence, almost like I was people pleasing?

Amazing insight fromhealtoheal! 

Janey xx
Logged
Perfidy
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Divorced/18 years Single/5 months that I know of.
Posts: 1594



« Reply #40 on: February 22, 2014, 04:27:38 PM »

Fromheeltoheal, sadly enough I do relate to most of what you wrote. I also am "normal" as far as I can tell. I too wanted to have a mutually satisfying relationship. I picked a very damaged girl and just figured she would grow out of it. Hell, maybe she did and that's why we split, I don't really know anymore. I do know that I felt like I was caring for a sick child most of the time. She had an abusive personality. I don't know if that is even possible for her to change. If it did change I suspect the change would be radicle, like going from a dreg to a saint. Ya, what was I thinking. For the longest time the trauma bond fit well with my experience. Depression, PTSD, suffering horribly, thoughts of suicide. No thanks. I'll pass on the bonding please. Haven't thought about how messed up I was over her in a long time. Reality check.

Logged
janey62
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: Uncertain...
Posts: 310



« Reply #41 on: February 22, 2014, 04:35:31 PM »

I hate to burst any bubbles here, but I don't think a 'normal' healthy person can be attracted to a sick person.  It's virtually impossible. 

It would be nice to think that we were ok and were somehow fooled into being pulled into a relationship with a not ok person, but how?  We know pretty much all there is to know about a person in the first 5 seconds of seeing them, let alone speaking to them.  On an unconscious level we knew that they were sick and we were drawn to that because we were damaged in equal but different measures and had some kind of weird mission to try to fix them and through them ourselves.

If we choose to ignore this now then we can avoid the hard slog of trying to fix ourselves, the only person we have any hope of fixing actually.   Smiling (click to insert in post)

Logged
Perfidy
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Divorced/18 years Single/5 months that I know of.
Posts: 1594



« Reply #42 on: February 22, 2014, 05:00:32 PM »

Ouch Janey, I deserved that. So how much of this is subconscious? I mean, who walks around puzzling over foo stuff while destroying our selves in relationships? That weird plan to fix ourselves by fixing someone else, I can see that. Is it possible to awaken the subconscious and have a heart to heart talk about disorder? I would like to send my subconscious to finishing school. It hasn't been serving me well and needs an attitude adjustment.
Logged
Turkish
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned in Feb 2013.
Posts: 11044


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #43 on: February 22, 2014, 05:14:13 PM »

I hate to burst any bubbles here, but I don't think a 'normal' healthy person can be attracted to a sick person.  It's virtually impossible. 

It would be nice to think that we were ok and were somehow fooled into being pulled into a relationship with a not ok person, but how?  We know pretty much all there is to know about a person in the first 5 seconds of seeing them, let alone speaking to them.  On an unconscious level we knew that they were sick and we were drawn to that because we were damaged in equal but different measures and had some kind of weird mission to try to fix them and through them ourselves.

If we choose to ignore this now then we can avoid the hard slog of trying to fix ourselves, the only person we have any hope of fixing actually.   Smiling (click to insert in post)

I don't know about that. I correctly judged mine as being shy and not trusting of people the first time I saw her across a room. Those are pretty common traits, especially shyness. Heck, im shy too, though not nearly as much as when i was younger. Her sick? That took me a while. My mistake was thinking I could handle it. That was unheathy. About two years ago I realized I would have to leave her at some point. She made the choice for me sooner.

I spent over $2k in therapy to confirm that other than obviously being a Rescuer, there's nothing really "wrong" with me. I even tried to argue this point with the doctor. He didn't bite. I had co-dependent tendecies with my Ex, but after some discussions on codependecy, confirmed that I'm not a Codependent.
Logged

    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
fromheeltoheal
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up, I left her
Posts: 5642


« Reply #44 on: February 22, 2014, 05:26:57 PM »

I hate to burst any bubbles here, but I don't think a 'normal' healthy person can be attracted to a sick person.  It's virtually impossible. 

It would be nice to think that we were ok and were somehow fooled into being pulled into a relationship with a not ok person, but how?  We know pretty much all there is to know about a person in the first 5 seconds of seeing them, let alone speaking to them.  On an unconscious level we knew that they were sick and we were drawn to that because we were damaged in equal but different measures and had some kind of weird mission to try to fix them and through them ourselves.

If we choose to ignore this now then we can avoid the hard slog of trying to fix ourselves, the only person we have any hope of fixing actually.   Smiling (click to insert in post)

Yeah, I get the bubble bursting, and what I mean is I don't have a personality disorder, although I am a recovering people pleaser and I was very lonely and susceptible when she showed up.  So here's a beautiful girl who is telling me everything I wanted to hear, her business sense, politics, interest in music and travel, everything sounded great, I just didn't know at the time it sounded great because she was parroting me and it was all a lie.  And yes, I ignored my gut, which was telling me things were 'off' and something wasn't right, right from the beginning, and I choose to believe that if I was as disordered as she is I wouldn't have gotten that gut feeling to begin with.  It was a combination of ignoring my gut and giving her the benefit of the doubt, followed by getting lost for a while, easy to do when faced with a master manipulator and lots of sex, but it only took a few months for the facade she'd created to show serious cracks, and the fantasy gave way to reality.  I'm not blaming her entirely, I was as complicit as she was in creating the fantasy, but once the buzz wore off I saw things for what they really were, and she never did.  There's also a line between caring about someone and trying to help and rescuing them, and I didn't cross it, in fact I was looking forward to her getting off her neediness and developing an equal partnership with me.  Never happened.

So I get it janey, but I don't buy the subconscious desire to rescue and therefore rescue myself motivation, at least not in my case.  A man wants to provide for and protect his woman, and expects her to hold up her end of the deal, eventually creating a healthy partnership.  I'm also positive I'm not in denial about that, but that doesn't diminish the value I got from the wake-up call; everything seems different now.
Logged
janey62
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: Uncertain...
Posts: 310



« Reply #45 on: February 22, 2014, 05:34:38 PM »

So, maybe Turkish, when you spotted this shy untrusting person across the room you consciously related to her shyness, but unconsciously you thought, 'ah, there's a damaged person for me to rescue, she's perfect?'  

A healthy well adjusted person would simply pass her by and go for a confident, happy person.  It doesn't make us sick per se, just not guarded enough, open to being preyed on by pwBPD, usually because we've experienced similar things in our early lives.  We've had to care for someone and put them before ourselves, or we've been neglected in some way, or had a parent who was unnurturing or an addict?  There may also be abandonment issues... . for us, which we're doomed to repeat in our relationships as adults?

I may be generalising here a bit, but from reading many posts it seems we have a lot in common, us partners of pwBPD.  

Janey

Logged
janey62
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: Uncertain...
Posts: 310



« Reply #46 on: February 22, 2014, 05:47:19 PM »

Yeah, I get the bubble bursting, and what I mean is I don't have a personality disorder, although I am a recovering people pleaser and I was very lonely and susceptible when she showed up.

I think you got it there fromhealtoheal, you were vulnerable at the time in a way and reasonably thought things would improve, especially if you gave her enough love and fulfilled your role as a man.

I remember thinking, when my ex's behaviours started to become too bizarre, that here was a person who would say terrible things to me and then regret it and suffer terrible remorse and shame, so I forgave him believing he couldn't help it and didn't mean it.  I convinced myself that I would be able to help him, that it was my calling, that he needed me and so I would just have to be like a duck and let it run off me like water. 

Now I look back and realise that had I been less of a co-dependent rescuer I would have followed my gut instincts and got the hell out of there asap! 

Of course, the other thing was, as you say, the love and sex and great connection and intelligence and humour and he smelled just exactly perfect!  We don't have PDs, we are in a way their opposites, we are caring, compassionate, unselfish and have dodgy boundaries and possibly some issues.  That's all I mean really. 

For myself I know that I've had a long string of dysfunctional relationships in my life and really need to address this.  It is exhausting having to pick myself up and nurse my wounds and keep being optimistic about my chances of having a lasting relationship... .   Unless I do some work on myself.  This has been the wake up call I've needed for a long time.  Without sounding grandiose, I sometimes think the universe has singled me out for a royal a$$ kicking so that my whole life isn't a complete waste!

Janey xx

Logged
janey62
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: Uncertain...
Posts: 310



« Reply #47 on: February 22, 2014, 06:00:26 PM »

Ouch Janey, I deserved that. So how much of this is subconscious? I mean, who walks around puzzling over foo stuff while destroying our selves in relationships? That weird plan to fix ourselves by fixing someone else, I can see that. Is it possible to awaken the subconscious and have a heart to heart talk about disorder? I would like to send my subconscious to finishing school. It hasn't been serving me well and needs an attitude adjustment.

I think your subconscious is doing just fine working things out now Perf!  In a way I think this forum is more helpful than anything else for us.  We are able to talk and explore with others who are in the unique position to understand each other. 

This is like university for survivors of BPD!  I know I'm learning so much.

I don't know any more than you do, I'm just theorising and thinking out loud. 

Janey xx


Logged
fromheeltoheal
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up, I left her
Posts: 5642


« Reply #48 on: February 22, 2014, 06:06:24 PM »

I remember thinking, when my ex's behaviours started to become too bizarre, that here was a person who would say terrible things to me and then regret it and suffer terrible remorse and shame, so I forgave him believing he couldn't help it and didn't mean it.  I convinced myself that I would be able to help him, that it was my calling, that he needed me and so I would just have to be like a duck and let it run off me like water. 

Different for me, she never regretted anything or suffered any remorse, although I'd catch her being ashamed once in a while, and my catching her would result in a healthy dose of rage.  I'd have to be an idiot to put up with that, and I did for a while, but sanity prevailed eventually.

Excerpt
For myself I know that I've had a long string of dysfunctional relationships in my life and really need to address this.  It is exhausting having to pick myself up and nurse my wounds and keep being optimistic about my chances of having a lasting relationship... .   Unless I do some work on myself.  This has been the wake up call I've needed for a long time.  Without sounding grandiose, I sometimes think the universe has singled me out for a royal a$$ kicking so that my whole life isn't a complete waste!

Yep, it's said that we can't love someone else until we love ourselves.  That always sounded good on paper to me, but I never got an experience of it until recently.  Someone posted on the Personal Inventory board about the Self-Acceptance Project, I've been working through it, and it has been profound.  I've always looked externally for love, to get it from someone else, but giving it to ourselves is so much easier, predictable and reliable, and we show up much more attractive in the world as a result.

Maybe thinking the universe decided to kick our ass so that our lives aren't a complete waste isn't the most empowering viewpoint?  How about when the student is ready the teacher will appear, maybe cloaked in a personality disorder, and everything we went through happened for a reason, it serves us, and the pain is a tool to help us evolve to that next level for us.  It takes a lot to get through my thick skull sometimes, and the pain of that relationship is what it took in this case, the ultimate gift in the end.

Logged
Perfidy
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Divorced/18 years Single/5 months that I know of.
Posts: 1594



« Reply #49 on: February 22, 2014, 06:19:57 PM »

Everything we have been discussing here is simmering in my mind right now and it's leading me back to gratitude. I like that. We don't have all of the answers and that's ok. Gratitude has got to be the path to acceptance. I can feel the love from you people and reflect it back to you. Thank all of you.
Logged
janey62
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: Uncertain...
Posts: 310



« Reply #50 on: February 22, 2014, 06:21:05 PM »

Yes, I like your version much better  Smiling (click to insert in post)

I have learned so much from this relationship and feel as if something important has changed as a result.  

I might have a look at that Self Acceptance Project for myself.

Thanks

Janey x
Logged
janey62
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: Uncertain...
Posts: 310



« Reply #51 on: February 22, 2014, 06:22:26 PM »

Perfect Perf! 

If in any doubt I always think about all that I have and am that I like and am grateful for. 



Janey
Logged
janey62
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: Uncertain...
Posts: 310



« Reply #52 on: February 22, 2014, 06:28:07 PM »

I hate to burst any bubbles here, but I don't think a 'normal' healthy person can be attracted to a sick person.  It's virtually impossible. 

It would be nice to think that we were ok and were somehow fooled into being pulled into a relationship with a not ok person, but how?  We know pretty much all there is to know about a person in the first 5 seconds of seeing them, let alone speaking to them.  On an unconscious level we knew that they were sick and we were drawn to that because we were damaged in equal but different measures and had some kind of weird mission to try to fix them and through them ourselves.

If we choose to ignore this now then we can avoid the hard slog of trying to fix ourselves, the only person we have any hope of fixing actually.   Smiling (click to insert in post)

I don't know about that. I correctly judged mine as being shy and not trusting of people the first time I saw her across a room. Those are pretty common traits, especially shyness. Heck, im shy too, though not nearly as much as when i was younger. Her sick? That took me a while. My mistake was thinking I could handle it. That was unheathy. About two years ago I realized I would have to leave her at some point. She made the choice for me sooner.

I spent over $2k in therapy to confirm that other than obviously being a Rescuer, there's nothing really "wrong" with me. I even tried to argue this point with the doctor. He didn't bite. I had co-dependent tendecies with my Ex, but after some discussions on codependecy, confirmed that I'm not a Codependent.

I didn't think he was sick when I met him, in fact I remember thinking very clearly that he was too good for me!  I looked up at him; he was like this shining blonde God with buckets of charm and charisma, and I felt bad because I didn't think he would go for me even in my dreams! 

The only thing that was wrong with him was that his evil ex wife had hurt him so much that he was a little bit fragile, so I resolved to heal that hurt with the power of my love... .

Little did I know!

Logged
myself
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3151


« Reply #53 on: February 22, 2014, 07:08:28 PM »

It's obviously positive to better ourselves.

Acknowledging we also did this/tried to in the past.

We were being who we were at the time. Mostly good intentions.

Just like we're being ourselves now. Mostly good intentions.

The  Idea comes as much from focus as focus comes from  Idea

The change is to avoid more of the traps we catch ourselves in.




Logged
fromheeltoheal
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up, I left her
Posts: 5642


« Reply #54 on: February 22, 2014, 07:20:17 PM »

It's obviously positive to better ourselves.

Acknowledging we also did this/tried to in the past.

We were being who we were at the time. Mostly good intentions.

Just like we're being ourselves now. Mostly good intentions.

The  Idea comes as much from focus as focus comes from  Idea

The change is to avoid more of the traps we catch ourselves in.

Nice!
Logged
KE151
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 311



« Reply #55 on: February 24, 2014, 06:40:01 AM »



I didn't think he was sick when I met him, in fact I remember thinking very clearly that he was too good for me!  I looked up at him; he was like this shining blonde God with buckets of charm and charisma, and I felt bad because I didn't think he would go for me even in my dreams! 

The only thing that was wrong with him was that his evil ex wife had hurt him so much that he was a little bit fragile, so I resolved to heal that hurt with the power of my love... .

Little did I know!

Bingo. Mine was the perfect victim as well, abused first by a violent alcoholic hubby, then a narc aßßhole of a man who kept seducing her back into his life. In reality she cheated on her hubby many times, and drove him into utter madness with her antics before finally discarding him when he was just a shell of his former self. The "narc" guy was actually the one being seduced by her time and time again and she also reeled him back in even when I was ousted. It's mind boggling how convincing the alternate reality was for her. That's why I believed everything, she was so convincing. And I wanted to believe her. She's a liar, I was the fool. Therein lies my weakness, I made excuses for her behavior, and didn't take responsibility for mine. I lied as well, to myself.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2021?

Pages: 1 2 [All]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2021 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
Andi1956
Anondad
Cnvi
doghouse
drained1996
EyesUp
Harri
JD2028
lovenature
Mac5
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
old97
P.F.Change
Skip
snowglobe
Swimmy55
Teno
Turkish
wendydarling

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!