Reeling and full of questions

[restoredsight]

I am in a situation where my wife suddenly completely changed towards me, then left me me, all in the space of a week.

This has happened before, 3 years ago. Back then she burned through 4 relationships, including one engagement, before coming back to me six months later. In the time we've been together since then, there has been little in the way of really obvious red flags, as she doesn't rage or demean me, and was generally very sweet. There were problems, of course, but all of them could be attributed to her sexual abuse, with her feeling unsteady about sex and depression. Things were pretty good overall, I had thought. We had a son together 8 months ago. We were married on New Year's eve.

When we were first together she would start wrestling matches that started off playful, then would turn vicious. She used to bite me on the arms in a way that was meant to be playful, I think, but it was hard enough to leave bruises. All of these sorts of behaviors were entirely absent in our second try.  She always tried to make me happy, something I actually tried to tone down at various points to make sure she got what she needed.

I rode along with various kinds of distance in the relationship, but I'm not sure if I felt a push/pull situation all the time.

What I know for certain is that she piles up resentments, then crosses people out for being mean. This time it included me, as I was seen as hostile to her going to visit with friends. I was uncomfortable months ago, due to trust issues I'd developed in our last break up, but we worked it out.

She has been more distant the last month, staying out longer than normal on most of her errands, and sometimes losing track of what i was saying mid-sentence. When I brought these things up, she was suddenly fairly quiet. It was worrisome, since we seemed to have a dialogue for a very long time.

The only thing that has been impossible to deal with is the sudden splitting and abandonment.

I've read a lot of others stories on this site. A great majority of you were in situations where your SO was abusive in various ways that mine just wasn't. I don't know what to think anymore. I applied what i learned from reading this site to my relationship and it worked for a time, but my own failures to keep it up seemed to make this happen.

I've been put in the freezer and I feel like a great many of her actions during this recent mess were passive-aggressive. I don't know how to proceed. I'm not trying to contact her, even though I really want to. We need to create a dialogue about our son, but I'm afraid it's impossible, and we have to go through proxies. From what I've heard from her family, she doesn't want to be a full time mother at all, and wants me to have the baby 4-5 days out of the week.

She may have found a new attachment. I have no real proof, but I saw a lot of signs that point in that direction, and a halfhearted admission from the guy's roommate that it's "nothing serious."

After the emotional events of the other day (she and her parents staged a blitzkrieg attack, removing my son and moving all of her things out) her mother said that she awoke suddenly at 4am the next morning realizing that her daughter was "scamming her." We've been talking things out and there's less tension where the custody situation is concerned. At this point, MIL is trying to keep my wife there (4 hours away by car, and I have no transportation) and wants to see if i can move to be close by for the help with child care.

I have a feeling this will end up with my wife mostly abandoning my son for a while, so she can continue with whatever fantasy she has set up around what's happening here. I'm pretty sure it won't last. 

I have dedicated myself to her and I want things to work out, but I am aware that I'm not in control of the situation. I know some will say that I need to just forget this. I can only say that I was able to provide the most stable relationship possible for her so far, I love her, and I miss her. I think that our family life was too much for her, and my own depression and failure to keep up made this happen.

She was talking to me some during the early stages of this. I told her I thought this was a repeat of last time, and that she might change her mind about us. She said, "If that happens, I hope you'll say no."

I think that she made some mistakes that made her think things were impossible. I think she had been feeling like a failure in regards to our son, since she was unable to keep breastfeeding. There may be a component of postpartum depression working here. I think a life of relative freedom looks more appealing. The result at this point is the same, she doesn't like me, she doesn't love me, and she doesn't want to be with me.

With the nature of how these things play out, I'm not sure if i should be working on better skills for if things start again, or detaching as much as I can from someone I have a child with. 

I can't help thinking it's not just me, but the family we just started that she's running from.

I don't know if it's just denial, but I keep feeling like she will just snap out of it as quickly as it came on. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Surnia]

chad_sketch

I am so sorry about all this. This is a really tough situation, and more complicated through the fact that you have a baby together.

I spent quite a while reading though your older posts. I realized you were on many boards here. 

I think as long as you are not divorced the Staying board is the right place.

I share in a way your doubts about the push/pull. Could it be that she has some bipolar traits? Regardless you have to find a way through it: there is your son and your own wellbeing.

So right now, your MIL is having the baby most of the time? Or you have it?

I can't help thinking it's not just me, but the family we just started that she's running from.

No, its not just you. 

[restoredsight]

MIL and FIL have my son. They live 4 hours away by car, don't have much in the way of resources, and I don't have a vehicle. I'm in talks with my brother to move in with him, which cuts the distance in half, while I save up and get a place near MIL.

My wife was supposed to stay there for a couple of weeks to gather herself and spend time with our son. I had coffee with a friend last night and on the way home I spotted her car parked at where I guess the new guy lives. Happens to be a block from where I live. I was furious that I can't see my son, but she is here choosing not to. I just calmed myself and went to bed.

MIL is being realistic, trying to talk my wife out of making plans here, but knows she will do what she wants, damn the conseqenses. MIL is being surprisingly supportive since the initial emotional event last week. I'm trying to build a better support network this time around, in order to see my son's life becomes stable as possible.

I love my wife. I know she's unhealthy. I know it's a gamble to try and work this out if she is ever willing, but can I be wrong to think that 3 years where we worked together and were mostly happy is a basis for hope? I dont know. I'm in the midst of a total lock out now, so I suppose I'll have to wait and see.

[Surnia]

I'm trying to build a better support network this time around, in order to see my son's life becomes stable as possible.

And you need some support for yourself too. Something that prevents you from just waiting... . Do you have some good friends?

[restoredsight]

I have some friends I've been reconnecting with. I'm trying to stay busy. I feel very lonely. I miss my son. I miss my wife. I am having difficulty with her sudden emotional shift.

[Surnia]

Yes, its hard not be around both of them. 

About feeling lonely - keep posting here. We are here for you, chad.