Feeling Sad Today

[Tincup]

Hi, I am feeling a bit sad today.  This weekend is my exgf's birthday.  It is a milestone birthday, and I am sad that I will 1. miss it, 2. not even be able to acknowledge it, 3. get blasted from her because I didn't acknowledge it... . I just had to get this out and put it in writing.

[Want2know]

How long have you been separated from your ex?

I remember for the first few birthdays of my ex after we broke up, I still felt the need to wish him a happy birthday.  Last year, I actually forgot it was his birthday - his birthday (and him) have slowly drifted from my thoughts.

[Tincup]

Want2know-It has been about 4 months since we broke up this last time (we had about 10 recycles over 5 years).   But this is the first time in 5 years we have been apart on her birthday.  What would happen if I break NC and send her a text that simply says happy birthday?  I think I could handle it ok so long as she responds back with a simple thank you and not anything else.  But I guess in the past if I sent any text during a break up she would use it as an opening to try to get back in.  Sucks that I have to over analyze a simple happy birthday text.

[Want2know]

Sucks that I have to over analyze a simple happy birthday text.

Yeah, it sucks. 

The thing is, if you really want to disengage and detach with the confidence that you do not want to get back together with her or recycle, you need to start doing something different.  Sometimes that's going to include analyzing what seem to be simple, instinctual things so you better understand the potential outcome.

Have you heard of controlled contact?  Some people can do that, however, since you are prone to recycling, I would be very careful with opening any contact door with her.

[Tincup]

I don't think I can do controlled contact.  I just keep reading two articles that I bookmarked anytime I feel the FOG rolling in.  One is about boundaries, and the other a good article on FOG, Charms and no contact when ending a relationship.  I am actually thankful that she broke up with me this last time.  It makes my FOG less thick since I don't have any guilt.  I am amazed at how I let her blow right through my boundaries countless times. 

[Want2know]

If you don't think you can do controlled contact, and you feel there is a possibility of this:

But I guess in the past if I sent any text during a break up she would use it as an opening to try to get back in.

... . then you may have to let this birthday go.  

What do you see as the drawbacks of not wishing her a happy birthday?  

Her blasting you for not wishing her a happy birthday is something you will need to reconcile for yourself, knowing why you made the decision not to send her a text.

[Johnny Alias]

Don't do it buddy.  There are no good outcomes from this.  You might care about her... . but you KNOW she is TOXIC.  She is poison to you.  No joke. 

What can you hope to gain from this?  Honestly? 

[Johnny Alias]

I should add to this... . here are the out comes... .

1)  She gives a terse "Thank you".  You feel heartbroken.  You put yourself out there and got a cold reply.

2)  She says "THANKS!" You guys begin talking again.  There will be no closure as she cant accept blame for her actions UNLESS she is trying to get you back.  You give in.  Cycle starts anew.  You feel heartbroken.

3)  She doesn't respond AT ALL.  You feel heartbroken.

As they said in Wargames... . the only way to win is not to play.  My two cents. 

You'll get over it.  Just stick to NC and focus on doing fun and growth stuff for yourself. 

[Tincup]

I am still feeling down, but I didn't email or text her this weekend.  But I just feel tense, a bit stressed, a little depressed.  All of this came more or less out of the blue.  I have been dealing with the breakup much better this time.

I think my issue came from the text I got from her a couple of weeks ago.  She started it with a very intimate text, and after no response from me she sent another one that was kind of mean.  If you break up with someone, why would you send a very intimate message to them?  Three steps back this weekend, but at least I maintained NC.

[myself]

Tincup, sorry you are feeling down. I've been there, wanting to wish a happy birthday, happy holiday or whatever, but held back because we were broken up. Your ex knows you were thinking of her. She knows that's in your heart. Being real with someone is a choice, and for those who don't make it/live it, they don't get as many happy birthday greetings, or nice people in their lives who feel to send them. It's sad but it is what it is. Remember that you are a person who cares, who feels, and that you're doing these things like NC for yourself, so you can continue being that kind of person.

[Want2know]

I think my issue came from the text I got from her a couple of weeks ago.  She started it with a very intimate text, and after no response from me she sent another one that was kind of mean.  If you break up with someone, why would you send a very intimate message to them?  Three steps back this weekend, but at least I maintained NC.

Why 3 steps backwards?  Not responding to her, in your case, was a pretty strong resolve.

Much of the time, NC is a lack of wanting to communicate out of anger.  "I won't respond, which will hurt you, and nanny nanny boo boo to you!"  

In your case it was protecting yourself.  Knowing that if you breached contact, you might get drawn back in.  You protected yourself.  I don't see that as 3 steps back.

Here's something I haven't shared yet.  My ex, which mind you, we haven't seen each other in 2 years, sent me an email through FB about a month or so ago asking me to send him video of me going down on a guy.  I didn't respond to him, but I also didn't state that he had gone out of bounds with the request.  I just didn't respond.

My first thought was I couldn't believe he'd sent me that request.  After some discussion with my friends, I realized that with our past interactions, I can understand why he did it.

I hadn't told him no before, and in fact, had catered to some of his earlier requests.  After some time had passed, and some serious soul searching, I didn't want to go there again with him.  So, I blocked him on facebook, didn't respond to him, and that was that.  There is no other way for him to contact me again unless a friend gives him my phone #, which is a slim to none chance.

So, my question to you is why wouldn't she send an intimate text to you?  Is that what has drawn you back in with your past reconciliations?  It's par for the course for her, if this is the case.  

[dansure]

I should add to this... . here are the out comes... .

1)  She gives a terse "Thank you".  You feel heartbroken.  You put yourself out there and got a cold reply.

2)  She says "THANKS!" You guys begin talking again.  There will be no closure as she cant accept blame for her actions UNLESS she is trying to get you back.  You give in.  Cycle starts anew.  You feel heartbroken.

3)  She doesn't respond AT ALL.  You feel heartbroken.

As they said in Wargames... . the only way to win is not to play.  My two cents. 

You'll get over it.  Just stick to NC and focus on doing fun and growth stuff for yourself. 

Yeah this is what happened to me when I sent my ex a message on her birthday in October. I will never do that again. Obviously she didn't send me a message 3 weeks after when it was my birthday.

My advice: Forget her, imagine she is dead to you and remain NC. It's hard, but it's the only way to let go. And keep in mind that she is most probably not feeling the same way as you are at the moment.

[Tincup]

Want2know-Yes, it is one of the things she has done in the past to draw me back in.  Usually it is a sexual type of text since that was the strongest part of our relationship.  I have probably never told her no either.  My boundaries were probably non-existent.

I guess it wasn't three steps back, but I sure felt bad.  She is/was an addiction to me.  I can have absolutely no contact with her.   

[seeking balance]

I guess it wasn't three steps back, but I sure felt bad.  She is/was an addiction to me.  I can have absolutely no contact with her.   

Feelings are not facts Tincup - keep telling yourself this right now.

It is totally ok to feel sad, this is a sad thing, and the first bday you are not sharing.  Remember, you really will get past this sadness.

The facts - you are handling it like a rockstar and taking care of yourself... . this is good stuff.  Let yourself be proud of what you ARE doing to heal - refocusing the mind takes discipline, but with practice it can help us change our emotional state.

Good job sharing and good job making it through the weekend.

Peace,

SB