breaking the cycle.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

after avoiding an recycle attempt or what I perceive to be one. I went through a few days of emotional drain. almost just like I did when we broke up. we have been apart since july. I once again found myself wanting her back, wondering who she was with and waiting on her next phone call or text. I beleive this has to be just like an addiction to a drug. Ive never been addicted to a drug but it has to be the same thing. I got just a taste and i was back almost at the start again. even when I saw her I could see BPD showing thru and it was easier to see because I had been away for so long. But I was still im my mind ignoring the signs and hoping we could start again. and Im thinking I MUST BE CRAZY why would I ever want that again. she showed me she still hasnt changed. But the big clue that helped me, was her finally text with her telling me we just couldnt do it again becasue we couldnt get it right. and it occurred to me what she was talking about. and what she was talking about was she stood me up a few days earlier and I called her out on it. I wasnt rude. But she had told me she was going to meet me when she got off of work. I texted her about 30 minutes before her shift ended and asked her what time. She texted back and said give her a minute. an hour later and 30 minutes after her shift ended i hadnt still heard from her I called her. She said I oh I forget I going to meet some of my friends. I told her that was fine but she could at least had told me so I could have went somewhere else. She said that pointed out that as a reason why we just couldnt make it work because she couldt give me the time i wanted. She completley missed the point. it had nothing to do with time spent with me it was the fact that she couldnt let me know what was going on before she moved onto the next person. and that told me that Im so glad Im out of this relationship. But it took me breaking the cycle to get way from her and it. Before, I would have been trying to defend myself or feeling like I did something wrong but I didnt have that feeling this time. I was bothered by the fact that she reached out to me and was telling me how she missed me and still loved me and then after about 7 days of texting me she goes silent and I havent had contact in about a week now. parts of me feel ok with that and then part of me is angry. But mostly I do feel relief from it all, that I didnt completely step off in it again. I guess this just some venting on my part.

[mitchell16]

after avoiding an recycle attempt or what I perceive to be one. I went through a few days of emotional drain. almost just like I did when we broke up. we have been apart since july. I once again found myself wanting her back, wondering who she was with and waiting on her next phone call or text. I beleive this has to be just like an addiction to a drug. Ive never been addicted to a drug but it has to be the same thing. I got just a taste and i was back almost at the start again. even when I saw her I could see BPD showing thru and it was easier to see because I had been away for so long. But I was still im my mind ignoring the signs and hoping we could start again. and Im thinking I MUST BE CRAZY why would I ever want that again. she showed me she still hasnt changed. But the big clue that helped me, was her finally text with her telling me we just couldnt do it again becasue we couldnt get it right. and it occurred to me what she was talking about. and what she was talking about was she stood me up a few days earlier and I called her out on it. I wasnt rude. But she had told me she was going to meet me when she got off of work. I texted her about 30 minutes before her shift ended and asked her what time. She texted back and said give her a minute. an hour later and 30 minutes after her shift ended i hadnt still heard from her I called her. She said I oh I forget I going to meet some of my friends. I told her that was fine but she could at least had told me so I could have went somewhere else. She said that pointed out that as a reason why we just couldnt make it work because she couldt give me the time i wanted. She completley missed the point. it had nothing to do with time spent with me it was the fact that she couldnt let me know what was going on before she moved onto the next person. and that told me that Im so glad Im out of this relationship. But it took me breaking the cycle to get way from her and it. Before, I would have been trying to defend myself or feeling like I did something wrong but I didnt have that feeling this time. I was bothered by the fact that she reached out to me and was telling me how she missed me and still loved me and then after about 7 days of texting me she goes silent and I havent had contact in about a week now. parts of me feel ok with that and then part of me is angry. But mostly I do feel relief from it all, that I didnt completely step off in it again. I guess this just some venting on my part.

[heartandwhole]

mitchell,

It's so understandable to feel angry about that, I know I would.  It's just common courtesy to let someone know when plans have changed.

Good for you that you are seeing things a bit more clearly.  Coming out of the FOG.  Let yourself feel your feelings and then you'll be able to step back and take a more objective look at what kept you wanting more.  There is lots of gold to mined from this, although I know right now you just want to get away – understandably so.  

[mitchell16]

heartandwhole, yes there is. Right now Im angry for almost allowing myself to be sucked back in. Angry that she wont leave me alone expecially if she cant and wont make a really honest attempt to get herself help. which I know that will never happen,we tried, she refused to finish and partcipate. BUt like I said Im reliefed that I was able to see everything much clearer after I had stepped away. I recognized the push/pull. If I had pursused her we would have been right back where we had left off, but I only responded to her and never chased her. Maybe thats why she gave up? in the past this kind of opening I would have been fast on my feet getting her back. This time I wasnt.  but like I said I was close. but in her text messaging she told me how the break up was her fault and how she was sorry for everything. that was prior to getting me to meet her, once I meet her the old her was still there. She went right to blameing things on me. so what i saw was her saying just what she needed to draw me in and once there the old her was still right there waiting.