uBPD mom acting out and I'm about to have a baby. Now what?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

My Mom, who has always been difficult and has a LONG history of systematically destroying all of her relationships, is getting worse. She's almost 76, and combined with some health issues, the fact that there's basically no one left who speaks to her besides me, that I'm about to have a baby, and possibly some age-related cognitive issues, she has lost whatever ability she had to "filter" herself.

She is classic high functioning, and it used to take years from meeting someone to the eventual implosion of the relationship. Now it takes hours, she basically carpet-bombs every conversation with aggro or mean comments, inappropriateness, anger or complaining. I'm scared to introduce her to anyone because I never know what will fly out of her mouth or who she will offend. I can actually see people recoil from her. Her latest thing is to tell every single person to "get over it," no matter what "it" is and despite the fact that she has never gotten over anything in her life. She's still mad about things that happened 5 years ago.

To make matters worse, her emotional reactions to quite normal things are verging on constant panic attacks. She will call/email me completely hysterical because there's snow on the ground and she's worried I might slip if I leave the house. Like all caps "I'm having heart palpitations just thinking about it and have to take a valium" type emails. Her worries/reactions have nothing to do with reality or are complete out of proportion to the subject.

One of her recent bouts of hysteria had to do with me wanting to invite my cousin and his family to the baby shower. They don't speak anymore because of her craziness, and when she found out that he was on he guest list she sent me a multi-page email about how he is a "PIG," he's responsible for her heart problems (he is not), why would I do that to her, actually listing an entire paragraph of people who think she's a good person "so she must be," talking about how I didn't want her to stay in touch with my ex-H (for good reason) even though he "never did anything bad to HER" etc etc. It was like the ravings of a madwoman. Ultimately I just emailed her back and said, if you didn't want me to invite him because it makes you uncomfortable, that's all you had to say---and I didn't invite him. He's totally understanding about her so I knew it would be ok with him.

I told her she should see a doctor about her anxiety issues but I know she never will, because as far as she's concerned there's nothing wrong with her.

Meanwhile, she is being completely hostile to my husband, because she's so terrified that if she confronts me about the no doubt endless list of things she's angry at me about I won't let her see her granddaughter when she's born (in about a month). One of them is that we are not naming our daughter after HER, as if we are obligated to do so. When I told her the name we'd chosen, she actually cried because it wasn't after her. Then she told me what a good mother she's been. I told her, "And I've been a good daughter, so we're even." I mean, seriously?

We all went on a trip together over Thanksgiving where she was so controlling and crazy my H (then boyfriend) basically said he didn't want to be around her anymore unless it was completely necessary. He wants our daughter to have a grandmother and for me to have a relationship with her, but he will avoid her as much as possible. I can't blame him, not least because every time I left the two of them alone for even a MINUTE on the trip she would say something critical and nasty to him, for example after they took us sightseeing in the car she said "Were you even looking out the window or were you just talking to each other?" because we'd had a 5 minute conversation in the back seat on the trip back. When we had a 2 minute conversation about wine at Thanksgiving dinner she scolded, "Talk to US, not to each other. YOU HAVE TO TALK TO US!" Like a child.

Even in front of me she was super controlling and hostile. I put my foot down about her behavior finally, there was a big blow up (in which her response was to tell me what a good mother she's been and she's going to die one day, etc etc), and things between us were chilly for a month or two afterward. I've tried to maintain a certain amount of distance since then. Of course she didn't apologize and will never acknowledge she did anything wrong.

He sent her an email thanking her for the trip, and she wrote back asking him to write him a thank you note on paper and send it in the mail "because she likes looking at them." Such narcissism! I told him to ignore it.

At the time we weren't married, but knew we wanted to before the baby was born and ABSOLUTELY did not want a wedding or any commentary from her---we are both divorced and had big weddings the first time, and have very complicated family situations that make a wedding party totally out of the question. We decided to go to city hall with a couple friends as witnesses, not telling anyone else, the day before our baby shower and announce it then. The wedding was so sweet and happy, and just what we wanted. The following day when we made the announcement my Mom immediately asked her husband for her pills and then walked into the other room as everyone else came up to congratulate us. She never congratulated either of us. When my H went up to her as she was leaving to thank her for her gifts, she asked him if he had told HIS mother yet, which he hadn't, and projecting as per usual said, "Well don't you think she'd want to know?" That's all she said to him.

The following day I sent out an email to friends and family about the wedding with a link to photos and a password to enter the website where they were posted. Her only response was "I didn't get any password and I didn't see any photos." I replied that the password was in the original email. I can't tell if she's losing her marbles or what, the email was like two lines long and either she didn't read it or couldn't understand it. This is not the first time lately where she seemed unable to process basic information or remember things I said or emailed.

Apparently she even emailed my Dad, from whom she's been divorced for 35 years asking if he was angry we didn't tell him about the wedding beforehand, to which he replied one word: No. They can't stand each other either, so it's pretty she's emailing him suddenly for sympathy.

Then she sent him some sort of typically long hysterical screed about how "if this is how she's going to be treated, she will just move to _____," a city in a different region she's suddenly fallen in love with and imagines will be some kind of paradise. She's been telling me for months, "if it wasn't for the baby, I'd move to hit_in a heartbeat." And I keep telling her to go if that's what she wants, even though I personally think it would be a disaster for her, not that I would ever tell her that.

Another crazy story in the middle of this: the day of the wedding she emailed my H about a possible job contact. Not a real job, just someone to email about possibilities. Well, we weren't on email that day since we were getting married. The following day at the shower she kept asking about whether he'd emailed the person as if it was super time sensitive, even though it was a Saturday. He said he would do it the following morning, which he did, and he sent her a nice thank you email about the connection. The following day she sends him an email that says "After thinking about it deeply I've decided not to help you with your career development anymore." Well who asked you too? Hahaha, the woman is seriously nuts. He didn't respond. My H is divorced from someone who was also probably BPD among other things and is completely traumatized---dealing with my Mom is very stressful and toxic for him.

I AM SO OVER IT. I'm having a baby in a month and I don't want this craziness in my life right now. I can't trust her to behave herself for 5 minutes and I think she's having cognitive/memory problems which is making things even harder. Now she doesn't even respond to my emails, and honestly, that's fine.

But I'm very worried about what happens when the baby is born. She is OBSESSED with this fantasy about watching the baby one entire day per week, which I never asked for and frankly don't think she can handle physically or mentally. If she has to take a valium over an inch of snow on the ground, how will she handle a baby that won't stop crying? I do NOT want to be responsible for her mental state or any further heart problems she might have as a reaction to the stress of taking care of a little baby. Plus I don't really want her here every week. I don't want my H to have to put up with her nonstop hostility and I know I won't have patience for it.

Maybe there is some chance that a new baby will make things better, but I just feel so pessimistic about the entire situation, as if we are hurtling towards disaster and there's nothing I can to do stop it. She is so volatile, and I'm SO TIRED OF IT.

Any ideas about what I could do to prevent total insanity? I know I can't change her or the situation, but I really want having my first baby to be a HAPPY time. I don't want her to ruin it for me.

Does it make sense that she's getting worse? Could it get better again? Do you think this is old age?

Sorry this was so long! So much nuttiness to recount in such a short period of time... .

[nyartgal]

My Mom, who has always been difficult and has a LONG history of systematically destroying all of her relationships, is getting worse. She's almost 76, and combined with some health issues, the fact that there's basically no one left who speaks to her besides me, that I'm about to have a baby, and possibly some age-related cognitive issues, she has lost whatever ability she had to "filter" herself.

She is classic high functioning, and it used to take years from meeting someone to the eventual implosion of the relationship. Now it takes hours, she basically carpet-bombs every conversation with aggro or mean comments, inappropriateness, anger or complaining. I'm scared to introduce her to anyone because I never know what will fly out of her mouth or who she will offend. I can actually see people recoil from her. Her latest thing is to tell every single person to "get over it," no matter what "it" is and despite the fact that she has never gotten over anything in her life. She's still mad about things that happened 5 years ago.

To make matters worse, her emotional reactions to quite normal things are verging on constant panic attacks. She will call/email me completely hysterical because there's snow on the ground and she's worried I might slip if I leave the house. Like all caps "I'm having heart palpitations just thinking about it and have to take a valium" type emails. Her worries/reactions have nothing to do with reality or are complete out of proportion to the subject.

One of her recent bouts of hysteria had to do with me wanting to invite my cousin and his family to the baby shower. They don't speak anymore because of her craziness, and when she found out that he was on he guest list she sent me a multi-page email about how he is a "PIG," he's responsible for her heart problems (he is not), why would I do that to her, actually listing an entire paragraph of people who think she's a good person "so she must be," talking about how I didn't want her to stay in touch with my ex-H (for good reason) even though he "never did anything bad to HER" etc etc. It was like the ravings of a madwoman. Ultimately I just emailed her back and said, if you didn't want me to invite him because it makes you uncomfortable, that's all you had to say---and I didn't invite him. He's totally understanding about her so I knew it would be ok with him.

I told her she should see a doctor about her anxiety issues but I know she never will, because as far as she's concerned there's nothing wrong with her.

Meanwhile, she is being completely hostile to my husband, because she's so terrified that if she confronts me about the no doubt endless list of things she's angry at me about I won't let her see her granddaughter when she's born (in about a month). One of them is that we are not naming our daughter after HER, as if we are obligated to do so. When I told her the name we'd chosen, she actually cried because it wasn't after her. Then she told me what a good mother she's been. I told her, "And I've been a good daughter, so we're even." I mean, seriously?

We all went on a trip together over Thanksgiving where she was so controlling and crazy my H (then boyfriend) basically said he didn't want to be around her anymore unless it was completely necessary. He wants our daughter to have a grandmother and for me to have a relationship with her, but he will avoid her as much as possible. I can't blame him, not least because every time I left the two of them alone for even a MINUTE on the trip she would say something critical and nasty to him, for example after they took us sightseeing in the car she said "Were you even looking out the window or were you just talking to each other?" because we'd had a 5 minute conversation in the back seat on the trip back. When we had a 2 minute conversation about wine at Thanksgiving dinner she scolded, "Talk to US, not to each other. YOU HAVE TO TALK TO US!" Like a child.

Even in front of me she was super controlling and hostile. I put my foot down about her behavior finally, there was a big blow up (in which her response was to tell me what a good mother she's been and she's going to die one day, etc etc), and things between us were chilly for a month or two afterward. I've tried to maintain a certain amount of distance since then. Of course she didn't apologize and will never acknowledge she did anything wrong.

He sent her an email thanking her for the trip, and she wrote back asking him to write him a thank you note on paper and send it in the mail "because she likes looking at them." Such narcissism! I told him to ignore it.

At the time we weren't married, but knew we wanted to before the baby was born and ABSOLUTELY did not want a wedding or any commentary from her---we are both divorced and had big weddings the first time, and have very complicated family situations that make a wedding party totally out of the question. We decided to go to city hall with a couple friends as witnesses, not telling anyone else, the day before our baby shower and announce it then. The wedding was so sweet and happy, and just what we wanted. The following day when we made the announcement my Mom immediately asked her husband for her pills and then walked into the other room as everyone else came up to congratulate us. She never congratulated either of us. When my H went up to her as she was leaving to thank her for her gifts, she asked him if he had told HIS mother yet, which he hadn't, and projecting as per usual said, "Well don't you think she'd want to know?" That's all she said to him.

The following day I sent out an email to friends and family about the wedding with a link to photos and a password to enter the website where they were posted. Her only response was "I didn't get any password and I didn't see any photos." I replied that the password was in the original email. I can't tell if she's losing her marbles or what, the email was like two lines long and either she didn't read it or couldn't understand it. This is not the first time lately where she seemed unable to process basic information or remember things I said or emailed.

Apparently she even emailed my Dad, from whom she's been divorced for 35 years asking if he was angry we didn't tell him about the wedding beforehand, to which he replied one word: No. They can't stand each other either, so it's pretty she's emailing him suddenly for sympathy.

Then she sent him some sort of typically long hysterical screed about how "if this is how she's going to be treated, she will just move to _____," a city in a different region she's suddenly fallen in love with and imagines will be some kind of paradise. She's been telling me for months, "if it wasn't for the baby, I'd move to hit_in a heartbeat." And I keep telling her to go if that's what she wants, even though I personally think it would be a disaster for her, not that I would ever tell her that.

Another crazy story in the middle of this: the day of the wedding she emailed my H about a possible job contact. Not a real job, just someone to email about possibilities. Well, we weren't on email that day since we were getting married. The following day at the shower she kept asking about whether he'd emailed the person as if it was super time sensitive, even though it was a Saturday. He said he would do it the following morning, which he did, and he sent her a nice thank you email about the connection. The following day she sends him an email that says "After thinking about it deeply I've decided not to help you with your career development anymore." Well who asked you too? Hahaha, the woman is seriously nuts. He didn't respond. My H is divorced from someone who was also probably BPD among other things and is completely traumatized---dealing with my Mom is very stressful and toxic for him.

I AM SO OVER IT. I'm having a baby in a month and I don't want this craziness in my life right now. I can't trust her to behave herself for 5 minutes and I think she's having cognitive/memory problems which is making things even harder. Now she doesn't even respond to my emails, and honestly, that's fine.

But I'm very worried about what happens when the baby is born. She is OBSESSED with this fantasy about watching the baby one entire day per week, which I never asked for and frankly don't think she can handle physically or mentally. If she has to take a valium over an inch of snow on the ground, how will she handle a baby that won't stop crying? I do NOT want to be responsible for her mental state or any further heart problems she might have as a reaction to the stress of taking care of a little baby. Plus I don't really want her here every week. I don't want my H to have to put up with her nonstop hostility and I know I won't have patience for it.

Maybe there is some chance that a new baby will make things better, but I just feel so pessimistic about the entire situation, as if we are hurtling towards disaster and there's nothing I can to do stop it. She is so volatile, and I'm SO TIRED OF IT.

Any ideas about what I could do to prevent total insanity? I know I can't change her or the situation, but I really want having my first baby to be a HAPPY time. I don't want her to ruin it for me.

Does it make sense that she's getting worse? Could it get better again? Do you think this is old age?

Sorry this was so long! So much nuttiness to recount in such a short period of time... .

[GeekyGirl]

Any ideas about what I could do to prevent total insanity? I know I can't change her or the situation, but I really want having my first baby to be a HAPPY time. I don't want her to ruin it for me.

Does it make sense that she's getting worse? Could it get better again? Do you think this is old age?

It does make sense that her BPD symptoms are getting worse, especially if she has narcissistic traits. She may want to feel like she's part of your pregnancy (since the focus is almost always on the mom-to-be) or be jealous of the attention you're getting. She may feel threatened. She may be worried that the baby will be the center of attention and take away from her somehow. It's hard to say for sure what she might be thinking, but you'll find many of us here who have seen our BPD parents' behavior become more intense during or after we became parents.

What can you do? You have to decide how involved your mother will be in the baby's life. If she's intent on watching the baby for one day a week, you have to decide if that's something you're comfortable with (and it sounds like you're not). You can graciously thank her for the offer, but let her know that you have made other arrangements. You'll have to set some limits.

It's also really, really important that you and your DH are on the same page here. In parenting and in dealing with your mother, you'll need to present a unified front.

For now, the best thing you can do for yourself is to take care of yourself and do what you can to keep your stress level down.  

[nyartgal]

Thanks for your reply. Do you think there's any point in trying to assuage her hurt feelings about not being told in advance about the wedding, just to mend fences before the baby is born? Or do you think it's just opening up a Pandora's Box of crazy?

[GeekyGirl]

Thanks for your reply. Do you think there's any point in trying to assuage her hurt feelings about not being told in advance about the wedding, just to mend fences before the baby is born? Or do you think it's just opening up a Pandora's Box of crazy?

If it's something you want to do, it's not a bad idea. Do you feel like you need to discuss it before the baby is born? How would you bring it up, and what kind of reaction are you expecting from your mother?

[nyartgal]

Well, I know that she's wanted to be more involved with the pregnancy that I've allowed---like going to Dr appts with me etc. I just sent her an email about baby stuff so she feels part of what's going on with baby prep this week. I don't actually want to confront her about the wedding thing, though I'm sure at some point it will come up. Right now my main priority is trying to prevent a $hitstorm right at the moment I give birth. If I can pre-defuse at least some of the tension, that would be productive. If it is actually possible, I don't know. She really is spinning out of control.

In the meantime, she apparently told my best friend that she is moving away, which is hard to believe but possible a good thing in the big picture for my sanity.

I guess I feel like I was faced with an impossible choice I did what was best for me and my H, who really SHOULD be the priority in our own wedding. If I had told her we were getting married beforehand she would have been hysterical not to be invited, and to invite her would be to make me and my H nervous and hard to enjoy our own wedding, and risk that she would be hostile and crazy and ruin it for us. Based on her behavior lately, it seemed highly likely the whole thing would have gone horribly awry. Knowing she'd be mad either way, I chose to delay the inevitable.

My Mom can, for lack of a better way to say this, be manipulated into good behavior. I have a lot of leverage because of the baby, and I think I can still use it to incentivize her to act at least decently. It's hard to say though because as I've said, I think she spiraling down so what's worked before may not anymore.

[GeekyGirl]

It was kind of you to e-mail her about the baby stuff and include her.

Keeping your stress level manageable is the most important thing right now. If that means postponing the discussion about the wedding, you'll have to decide when to bring it up. (Although I'll tell you as a fellow mom that your stress level might not go down significantly.   ).

You're right--the wedding was really about you and your DH. It's wonderful that things went the way that the two of you wanted.   Would you want to practice talking to your mom about it with us?

[mlle24]

My Mom can, for lack of a better way to say this, be manipulated into good behavior. I have a lot of leverage because of the baby, and I think I can still use it to incentivize her to act at least decently. It's hard to say though because as I've said, I think she spiraling down so what's worked before may not anymore.

I have to tell you, I've never related more to someone than I do to this right now. I was NC with my mom Sept-Nov 2013. (She recalls it was 6 months we didn't speak- ha).  I found out I was pregnant early Nov, and decided this was going to be a turning point because I want my kids to have a grandmother and I want my mom to be a grandma.

(She's also insisting on watching the baby x number of days per week... . I want to die every time she brings it up. Because my response is always the same. I don't know what's going to happen, I don't even know if I'm going to go back to work. That's a decision I will make with my HUSBAND when the time comes.)

My (now) husband and I got married, at the courthouse, on a friday... . She tried to make it all about her, time and time again.  She told me if I invited so-and-so she wouldn't come. I told her that if she didn't come to my wedding when she was one of 4 people invited, that would have consequences and impact our relationship - thus her relationship with her grandchild. She wanted to invite this person and that person and blah blah blah. When I told her no she couldn't invite anyone, she told me "she was just kidding".

She keeps throwing it in my face that I'm "using the baby as bait" and I keep giving her ultimatums. I've given her 2.  1: You can come to the wedding or not. If you don't, there will be consequences; our relationship will never be the same.  2:  If you don't stop being negative and complaining - adding to my stress, I can and will stop speaking to you again - it's not healthy for me or for the baby whom I have to consider over anyone else. (well, I don't have to, but I am considering the baby's well being over anyone else's).

I want to tell you I think what you did with the wedding was brave, and the smart thing to do. My mom threw fits before and after. She didn't throw one during (unless dinner after the courthouse counts).  But I wish I'd had the courage to do what you did. I say leave it. She had her fit, and if she's anything like most BPD moms... . she's going to bring it up again whether you try to fix it now or not.  If she honestly couldn't see the pictures, and it comes up again, offer to have a few of your favorite shots printed for her, or resend the original email.  But I wouldn't go much further than that... . You don't have to make excuses for what you did. She expects you to, because that's probably what she's expected and demanded from you forever.  But you don't have anything to explain, regret, feel sorry for, or anything.

I'm having trouble with my mom right now, I think her condition is manifesting in different/worse ways... . She speaks erratically can't finish a sentence without starting another one, talks suuuuper fast... . She texts me multiple times a day with complaints about her health/job/life/etc... . I don't know how to deal with it any more. It's adding to my stress. You seem so calm and like you have some very clear boundaries... . Maybe that's just how you come across. Got any suggestions for boundaries and how to implement them?

I'm struggling because what I think is "normal" or acceptable for how much we see each other and talk to each other is MUCH MUCH MUCH less than what she wants.  Obviously. Or she wouldn't be texting me multiple times a day.

Even if your H doesn't want to be around her, I hope he is supportive of you in what you want and how you handle situations with her.  I agree with the previous replies- got to have a unified front, especially when it comes to kids. I'm fortunate my new H is very supportive in that he tries to help and tells me he wishes she'd cut it out, stop being mean, etc... . Even if he doesn't want to spend time with her, he's supportive.  I feel like you and I have so much in common... . maybe it's just me. Idk. Hope you're doing well... . I know baby is coming soon if it hasn't come yet! Try to enjoy this. You only get your first once! (That's where I'm at too!)