Important traits to detaching - what are yours?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hey Leaving Board!

What trait in yourself have you found to be more important than you realized in detaching?

For me, it has been self-discipline.  I thought I was disciplined as I tended to do the "right" things.   But I realized I did those things for external validation or to be liked.  When it was easy regarding my job, health, and general life... . for the most part, I would have given myself a B. 

What I realized was when it was a bit harder for that discipline - I kinda gave myself a pass.  It never really effected my life (so I thought).

Self discipline can be confused with control - but I believe it is different - control is about external and discipline is about internal.

When it was clear that I had to let go, I realized self discipline - that which was needed for me and nobody else, was harder... . much harder.  I read that self discipline is a direct correlation with self worth - that kinda hit me hard.

So, I put self discipline on my list of an important trait to detaching and rebuilding - what trait have you found helped?

Peace,

SB

[seeking balance]

Hey Leaving Board!

What trait in yourself have you found to be more important than you realized in detaching?

For me, it has been self-discipline.  I thought I was disciplined as I tended to do the "right" things.   But I realized I did those things for external validation or to be liked.  When it was easy regarding my job, health, and general life... . for the most part, I would have given myself a B. 

What I realized was when it was a bit harder for that discipline - I kinda gave myself a pass.  It never really effected my life (so I thought).

Self discipline can be confused with control - but I believe it is different - control is about external and discipline is about internal.

When it was clear that I had to let go, I realized self discipline - that which was needed for me and nobody else, was harder... . much harder.  I read that self discipline is a direct correlation with self worth - that kinda hit me hard.

So, I put self discipline on my list of an important trait to detaching and rebuilding - what trait have you found helped?

Peace,

SB

[NyGirl8]

I Love this.  Wow... . self discipline correlates to self worth?  I never would've connected them, but, it makes so much sense!  Thanks for sharing that!  I suppose then they can both relate highly to codependency? 

I am very new to detaching... . very new!  But, I am searching for my important traits and strengths again.  At the very least, I now know they are there!  About 4 years ago, completely drowned and stuck in a marriage with a NPD/BPD, I honestly didn't think I had any!  I have worked hard to get here, and I am committed to finding my strength again.  Reading words if wisdom such as this, help so much!

Thank you!

[myself]

I had lost sight of loving myself. Had become too caught up in proving I loved her. In the r/s, I felt like I had to sneak around to have a few minutes to take care of myself. After the r/s, I felt unloved and unlovable. That's changed. Detaching is better since I've turned more of my love towards myself.

[Allmessedup]

I love this post!

I agree that self discipline is directly correlated to self worth.  I did not succumb to wanting to talk to her.  I blocked her on fb.  I continue no contact.  I am doing things for me and working on me.  That all makes me feel very proud of myself.  Something I haven't felt in a very long time.  And something I didn't realize I needed so desperately.

I also have found that forgiving myself and being gentle with myself has been huge.  I am codependent as hell.  I have a hell of time forgiving myself as well as taking it easy on me.  I am very driven.  But I am learning and realizing it is not selfish or self serving or lazy to do things for me.  To focus on me.  It has helped hugely

[seeking balance]

  I suppose then they can both relate highly to codependency? 

I would agree on this statement.

I am very new to detaching... . very new!  But, I am searching for my important traits and strengths again. 

Finding traits we like in ourselves is rebuilding our own self worth - can you see the fact you are here and learning is a "trait" that is important and valuable to you?  Give yourself some credit 

[seeking balance]

I had lost sight of loving myself. Had become too caught up in proving I loved her. In the r/s, I felt like I had to sneak around to have a few minutes to take care of myself. After the r/s, I felt unloved and unlovable. That's changed. Detaching is better since I've turned more of my love towards myself.

Very nice Myself!

What actions did you start doing again to show yourself love?  Do you mind sharing?

[seeking balance]

I love this post!

I agree that self discipline is directly correlated to self worth.  I did not succumb to wanting to talk to her.  I blocked her on fb.  I continue no contact.  I am doing things for me and working on me.  That all makes me feel very proud of myself.  Something I haven't felt in a very long time.  And something I didn't realize I needed so desperately.

Rebuilding self worth from within - nice!

I also have found that forgiving myself and being gentle with myself has been huge.  I am codependent as hell.  I have a hell of time forgiving myself as well as taking it easy on me.  I am very driven.  But I am learning and realizing it is not selfish or self serving or lazy to do things for me.  To focus on me.  It has helped hugely

Forgiveness - this is such an important trait -I put this one in the master class category 

Thanks for sharing!

[santa]

I had lost sight of loving myself. Had become too caught up in proving I loved her. In the r/s, I felt like I had to sneak around to have a few minutes to take care of myself. After the r/s, I felt unloved and unlovable. That's changed. Detaching is better since I've turned more of my love towards myself.

100% agree

My situation got to the point where all of my time and energy was consumed with my ex. It was inadvertent, but it definitely became that way. You get so wrapped up in them and their constant demands/drama that you completely forget about yourself. You don't really notice it until you're out of the relationship, but that's exactly how it was. It's amazing how exhausting dealing with a BPD actually is. It's like going from one crisis to the next, nonstop.

Having some time to spend on myself has really been a blessing.

[goingtostopthis]

if I understand the question correctly,  I'd say common sense and the obvious is what helps me to detach. Learning not take the antics of this man too seriously helps a lot too. Hes found my weakness and that has been my dependancy towards him as a friend I could depend on for a lone time. Hes taken this now as an on going threat, to it being over, to us still remaining friends, to us possibly being friends sometime in the future. To saying he almost blocked me to saying he wasnt going to black me, bla bla, bla... . It becomes his game after a while and Im finding that Im learning to just no longer be that interested in it. Im a good person and in many many respects I havent done anything wrong to be treated the way he just did towards me.  He wants me to feel like Im a bad person who should be ashamed of myself and rejected.   He says he wants nothing more to do with me in such an arrogant tone. Well common sense and the obvious keeps pointing to over to me and my position in this and there "is' apart" of me that wants nothing more to do with him. Its supporting that part of myself more and not supporting the hurt dependant part of me which  I think is the key. Its accepting reality like a breath of fresh air.

[SoMuchPain]

I had lost sight of loving myself. Had become too caught up in proving I loved her. In the r/s, I felt like I had to sneak around to have a few minutes to take care of myself. After the r/s, I felt unloved and unlovable. That's changed. Detaching is better since I've turned more of my love towards myself.

Wow, that could have been taken straight from my diary.  So beyond true - "sneaking around for a few minutes".  Oh and boy would I feel guilty doing it.  Craziness.

Now it's like the complete opposite ... I have all the minutes in the world to take care of myself and I'm at a loss because I have no idea what to do with them!

[Kifazes]

I have found out about two traits, 'things' I wasn't aware of in our relationship.

I have both tendencies to OCD and Aspergers.

Aspergers is probably why I could deal so easily at times with his disregulation, since I knew I had to feel bad, tried to feel bad, didn't really feel bad. As if, I knew how I should feel, but didn't really feel it. (I don't know if that makes sense?)

And OCD, well, I thought it were minor things that all people had. But I've been recently told by friends and family, that I've always been a bit overboard with such things (placemats have to be lined up straight, leaving equally much space on the sides of the table, if not, I throw them out).

[love2give]

Now it's like the complete opposite ... I have all the minutes in the world to take care of myself and I'm at a loss because I have no idea what to do with them!

I hear ya.  This thread has made me realize a few more interesting things. 

So true how it is SO MUCH work to keep them pleased and happy and in the end they still find something to complain about.

[myself]

What actions did you start doing again to show yourself love?  Do you mind sharing?

I don't do as much negative self-talk. I made lists of what I respect about myself and what needs improvement. Self respect brings better change. I embrace the fact that what she is giving up by not being with me are the positives that are Me. I accept that I did my best in an overwhelming situation, and that I will do so again because that's who I am. I acknowledge the steps I take, and face my grieving. Knowing there will be other mistakes. I deserve love as much as anyone. And I laugh again!

[Turkish]

Hey Leaving Board!

What trait in yourself have you found to be more important than you realized in detaching?

For me, it has been self-discipline.  I thought I was disciplined as I tended to do the "right" things.   But I realized I did those things for external validation or to be liked.  When it was easy regarding my job, health, and general life... . for the most part, I would have given myself a B. 

What I realized was when it was a bit harder for that discipline - I kinda gave myself a pass.  It never really effected my life (so I thought).

Self discipline can be confused with control - but I believe it is different - control is about external and discipline is about internal.

When it was clear that I had to let go, I realized self discipline - that which was needed for me and nobody else, was harder... . much harder.  I read that self discipline is a direct correlation with self worth - that kinda hit me hard.

So, I put self discipline on my list of an important trait to detaching and rebuilding - what trait have you found helped?

Peace,

SB

Hi SB, what exactly do you mean by "self-discipline?" You mentioned work and the like... . do you mean being focused, and the ability to delay gratification (i.e., working towards a goal, rather than wanting instant results).

Internally, what do you mean. With regards to controlling and guiding your emotions rather than the other way around?

My answer: self-value, valuing our children (rather than my own empty needs), combined with a strong moral sense in that I found my uBPDx's behavior over the last few months she was with me frankly disgusting. Her neglect of the kids, despicable, in that my respect for her as a mother is minimal.

My anger is still great, and I suppose this is a form of attachment still. Probably better to be worked out on PI... .

[Madison66]

It's ironic that my core values have always included love and respect, but yet in the 3+ year r/s with my uBPD/NPD ex gf I struggled to practice self love and self respect.  The lack of self respect impacted my ability to listen to and and respect my gut.  I also sold myself so short in continuing to participate in a so called r/s that couldn't possibly fulfill my needs.  Forgiveness of self has been a critical step for me in my detachment process.  The others have included truly living and loving my true self.  This is then helping me live in the present increase self awareness.  It may all sound like a bunch of T talk, but all I can tell you is that I'm not feeling that inner pressure I constantly felt during r/s and shortly after the b/u.  I'm beginning to feel like I can live and love and laugh and grow.  Finally, I am gaining confidence that by really digging in and working on all of these things, I can attract what I project... .

[Turkish]

.  The lack of self respect impacted my ability to listen to and and respect my gut.  I also sold myself so short in continuing to participate in a so called r/s that couldn't possibly fulfill my needs.

Exactly this for me, too. Despite the stuff I say here about mine, she does have some good qualities. I felt, however, that I "settled" because I felt I couldn't fine someone better. Despite her angry BPD behaviors and the cheating, she does still respect me (she even told me, and I feel it), which throws me for a loop!

Finally, I am gaining confidence that by really digging in and working on all of these things, I can attract what I project... .

This... . I've heard this before. Do you think this is what happened to attract your Ex?

[Madison66]

.  The lack of self respect impacted my ability to listen to and and respect my gut.  I also sold myself so short in continuing to participate in a so called r/s that couldn't possibly fulfill my needs.

Exactly this for me, too. Despite the stuff I say here about mine, she does have some good qualities. I felt, however, that I "settled" because I felt I couldn't fine someone better. Despite her angry BPD behaviors and the cheating, she does still respect me (she even told me, and I feel it), which throws me for a loop!

Finally, I am gaining confidence that by really digging in and working on all of these things, I can attract what I project... .

Well, I think I projected "white knight" and "fixer".  That didn't work out so well for me and left me feeling pretty empty.  

It's funny that as I start to meet women and date some, I having fun being "myself" and interacting with some cool and healthy people.  The feedback has been quite positive, also so I don't plan to change what or how I project.  This is one of the gifts of the recovery process... .

This... . I've heard this before. Do you think this is what happened to attract your Ex?

[Phoenix.Rising]

Respect seems to be an important trait... both for myself and for her.  I was losing much respect in myself and her as the relationship deteriorated.  We are both deserving of respect.  This involves letting her be her and not changing to force or change the situation.  And it involves finding my own dignity and honoring that, rather than losing myself in a futile dance.

[seeking balance]

Hi SB, what exactly do you mean by "self-discipline?" You mentioned work and the like... . do you mean being focused, and the ability to delay gratification (i.e., working towards a goal, rather than wanting instant results).

Hi Turkish - thanks for asking for clarification.

Yes, delaying gratification could be discipline - as a matter of fact, Scott Peck refers exactly to this in Road Less Traveled.

Little things in the beginning such as not contacting my ex or practice meditating to learn mental discipline - those things tended to compound into really getting clear with my own value. 

Other things that required discipline during the really tough times - simple things:  exercise, eating properly (as opposed to junk), giving myself space to grieve/cry and not just suck it up.

[seeking balance]

Respect seems to be an important trait... both for myself and for her.  I was losing much respect in myself and her as the relationship deteriorated.  We are both deserving of respect.  This involves letting her be her and not changing to force or change the situation.  And it involves finding my own dignity and honoring that, rather than losing myself in a futile dance.

Respect is a trait we get the opportunity to practice during this - another attribute that builds up worthiness! 

[LettingGo14]

You all have great insights.  I felt so alone (and completely crazy) until I found these message boards.

Self-discipline, self-compassion are essential.  

To achieve, I'm trying mindfulness meditation, reading about Buddhism (detachment from desire) and trying Cognitive Behavioral Therapy techniques, especially to change thinking and influence emotions.

One of the best lessons I learned regarding "rumination" is that the simplest way to end it is by "attaining" or "abandoning" our goal.  Once I admitted to myself I will never "attain" an adult, loving relationship with my BPDxgf, I started to "abandon" the dream -- deleting all photos, e-mails, texts, voicemails.  Everything.  Complete surrender.  

[seeking balance]

One of the best lessons I learned regarding "rumination" is that the simplest way to end it is by "attaining" or "abandoning" our goal.  Once I admitted to myself I will never "attain" an adult, loving relationship with my BPDxgf, I started to "abandon" the dream -- deleting all photos, e-mails, texts, voicemails.  Everything.  Complete surrender.  

Thank you for sharing your tools LettingGo!

Surrender - radical acceptance - a powerful way to detach

[Turkish]

Hi SB, what exactly do you mean by "self-discipline?" You mentioned work and the like... . do you mean being focused, and the ability to delay gratification (i.e., working towards a goal, rather than wanting instant results).

Other things that required discipline during the really tough times - simple things:  exercise, eating properly (as opposed to junk), giving myself space to grieve/cry and not just suck it up.

I let the tears flow for many months, and was ok with it. While I let a moving piece of music or a cene from a movie elicit some tears, I realized I had not really cried since I was about 11. I fancied myself a tough ass(and I am), but this time, I let it out naturally, and am not ashamed of it. I embaced m feelings instead of denying them. I felt I was in touch with myself before, was comfortable with who I was (which was one thing that attracted my Ex, she even said, I was "real" which let her be real), but I am now than ever before. To both accept help from others in my life, and to not push them away as I might have done had I been my ten years younger self. The Dark Gift from my uBPDx... . to a accept myself as I was rather than shutting down, which was an unhealthy coping mechanism, due to my childhood issues. If only I'd realized this in my early 20s instead of early 40s, I'd be so much further along. But it is what it is, and I'm ok with that too!

[LettingGo14]

... . to a accept myself as I was rather than shutting down, which was an unhealthy coping mechanism, due to my childhood issues. If only I'd realized this in my early 20s instead of early 40s, I'd be so much further along. But it is what it is, and I'm ok with that too!

Turkish, great stuff.  I am in the exact boat as you.   I used to shut down.  Now, as some wiser people than me say, "Feel the feelings.  Lose the story."

I wish I also knew when I was younger.  42 now... . but, I'll take it now rather than never.

[Turkish]

... . to a accept myself as I was rather than shutting down, which was an unhealthy coping mechanism, due to my childhood issues. If only I'd realized this in my early 20s instead of early 40s, I'd be so much further along. But it is what it is, and I'm ok with that too!

Turkish, great stuff.  I am in the exact boat as you.   I used to shut down.  Now, as some wiser people than me say, "Feel the feelings.  Lose the story."

I wish I also knew when I was younger.  42 now... . but, I'll take it now rather than never.

Hi LettingGo14, same age. That's a good line. I'll remember it, it says a lot.  We still have almost half our lives ahead of us. Better now than never.

[growing_wings]

HI SB,

For me, it is about taking the decision to own my life. and indeed the discipline, determination and strength to do so.

I handed over the control of my life to someone else, I let her control my emotions and if i would have continued, i would have lived the life she wanted me to live ,not mine. I understand a r/s involves the commitment of two people living one life, but it shouldnt be at the cost of giving up myself, nor my values, passions and beliefs (includnig my family and friends)

When i realized this, then detaching becomes and exercise about myself, where i take ownership of my own life even if i am not used to for a while, it is hard to do at times (easier for someone else to take control... ).

Hope this will translate in other areas of my life too , not only on my ultimately goal of let her go from all possible points of view.

[GreenMango]

Seeking Balance this is really good topic especially because we all handle it differently.

The things that helped me move towards acceptance were focusing on resilience, optimism, and compassion (<---this one was the hardest).

[Landslide2014]

Great topic and growth opportunity.  Thank you for that. I would have to say that for me, letting go is on top of the list.  Realizing that I am not responsible for everyone else and cannot control the choices others make.  With that, being honest and true to myself is critical. Not easy.  Much easier to take care of others and take the focus off me, but certainly not as freeing and definitely not as healthy. Sometime I feel at peace focusing in others, however this can also be a coping mechanism that physically or mentally handicaps me if I don't pay attention. I know now that I am good at escaping and stuffing my feelings, however I am so much healthier when I allow and accept whatever it is I am feeling.

[Surnia]

Being truly independent and connected and giving up on perfectionism- hard habits to break. 

Shifting from too much attention how I should be in the eyes of others, people pleasing, toward my own emotions and values.

Self talk is one thing to keep my on this path, validation for my own emotions especially anger or shame.

[beachtalks]

Kind of along the lines of loving myself, I have been learning to BELIEVE In myself again, since I've detached.  For so long I was second-guessing everything my BPD husband disagreed with, even idiotic things I should not have.  In return, I lost my sense of self-respect and my pride.  My life became a work of garbage; everyone knew it, especially me.  It was very humbling, and I honestly feel I am a better person because of it, because I now see the other side of where mixed-up thinking and behavior comes from and I will never judge others like I used to.  But never again will I submit to a fool and allow him to take charge of my life and the life of my kids.  Since we parted my life is blooming.  I am very glad to be rooting for ME again.  This girl will do just fine