Received money by accident; she didn’t asked it back yet

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

By now a 5 weeks ago I received by accident  money.

It is an error, based on: 1 the reference used, 2 my name starts with the same letter; should be a payment to the electricity co.

She didn’t asked for it yet, although she must have seen my name on the bank statement and by now she must have received a reminder. Further it is a USD 250,=, not some pocket money for her.

She left a 3yrs ago, were now divorced, all mails I received during these years were dissociative and trying to control matters (in an emotional way) for which I kept the door shut.

Last December I received 2 mails 

1:“my stuff will be picked up…” A.B. (formal name)

2: “the letter to the pension fund…”   A.(first name)

Because of a different state of mind? But both were “business”.

Although I know her for so long, predicted many of her steps, could see upcoming “events”, basically she was an open book in many ways, I don’t understand why she doesn’t ask for that money by now.

What is holding her back this time?   

[Dutched]

By now a 5 weeks ago I received by accident  money.

It is an error, based on: 1 the reference used, 2 my name starts with the same letter; should be a payment to the electricity co.

She didn’t asked for it yet, although she must have seen my name on the bank statement and by now she must have received a reminder. Further it is a USD 250,=, not some pocket money for her.

She left a 3yrs ago, were now divorced, all mails I received during these years were dissociative and trying to control matters (in an emotional way) for which I kept the door shut.

Last December I received 2 mails 

1:“my stuff will be picked up…” A.B. (formal name)

2: “the letter to the pension fund…”   A.(first name)

Because of a different state of mind? But both were “business”.

Although I know her for so long, predicted many of her steps, could see upcoming “events”, basically she was an open book in many ways, I don’t understand why she doesn’t ask for that money by now.

What is holding her back this time?   

[Tausk]

Hi Dutched.  

It sounds like she should be contacting you about some money that belongs to her, but was issued to you.

It's hard to say why she hasn't asked for it.  It's a Disorder.  She might be scared.  She might not care. She might hate you too much.  She might not have registered that it should go to her. She might not remember who you are... . honestly, she might be in a state where she has forgotten you now, or can not cognitively process issues between you and her. 

It's a disorder, and especially after a while of separation, it's almost impossible to understand how pwBPD minds are working.  She's been forced by the Disorder to paint you black and forget about you, so how she responds is not predictable.   

The question, is do you have a plan to take care of yourself. Can you just mail her the money and be done with it.  IF she does contact you, will it trigger you?  Have you thought about how you will respond?

Taking care of ourselves is what is important.  Being detached and depersonalizing the situation.  Maybe consider it a business transaction, no different than perhaps paying taxes to your host country.  Something that you don't necessarily like to do, but something that there's no point in getting too emotional about.

[Dutched]

Hi Tausk,

She transferred the money to me instead of the Electricity Co.

Questions you ask are a dilemma for me.  A whole lot happened since she left. 

She is High Functioning, she remembers me. My son tells me in a subtle way now and then that she is interested in my doings, about my cooking, etc. 

I am not healed, far not healed. However Seeing the money on my account didn’t trigger me, it made me smile. No not because of her error,  just for seeing her name.

Day by day I rebuilds a new life, as you might understand that is difficult. Mixed also as she left >3yrs. ago, but legal matters were just finalized last November.

The pain caused by her leaving is fading away, but pain caused by legal matters a so much more fresh.

Part of me waits for her to contact me, as I am in control now. The dark side…

Part of me indeed says just return it and don’t let it bother.

Re reading your answer several times now, I’ll take your advice and just return it

Much appreciated Tausk! 

[Clearmind]

Good conclusion. Returning the money back is the right thing to do