Homeschooling

[rubyhammer]

     I'm having some trouble with my dBPDw, D8 and the issue of schooling.  My wife had a very bad experience in public school and her feelings about this have been affecting myself and my D8 for some time.   Here's the rundown:

     1.  D8 went to kindergarten at a private school.  At that time she was only 5.

     2.  Next year, D8 went to kindergarten at public school.  She seemed to really enjoy it.

     3.  For 1st grade, we homeschooled.  This was something that I was not in favor of, but agreed to try for a year because my dBPDw really wanted to homeschool.  During this period my wife was unemployed.  I ended up bringing D8 with me to work everyday and attempting to teach her and work at the same time.  Very stressful.  I taught reading and math, my wife taught... . whatever she felt like talking about.  dBPDw claimed she needed some time each day to herself, that is why I brought D8 with me to work for 4 hours each day.

     4.  For the first 2 months of 2nd grade, we homeschooled.  My wife decided she was going to teach breakdancing and sign language.  I taught reading and math while at work.  Again very stressful for me. 

     5.  After a couple of months, dBPDw had a breakdown and decided that she couldn't do homeschool anymore, it was too stressful, she claimed.  I took my D8 to the public school the next day and signed her up.  Her reading and math skills have basically doubled since she started going back to public school.

     I think it is in our D8's best interest to stay in public school.  Here's the problem:  dBPDw wants to homeschool again for 3rd grade.  I know this conversation is coming down the pipeline and I want to be ready for it.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation or have any advice as to how to handle this?

Thanks!

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[Perez]

rubyhammer,

We have home-schooled for many years now. Kids have gone on to do well in high school and college.   Overall, I would say it is a wonderful option and normally would encourage someone to try it.

I really admire your dedication, in all our years of homeschooling, never heard of a parent taking their child to work for homeschooling, I can imagine that had to be very stressful.

I can empathize with your situation.  My uBPDw  is getting worse and worse at sticking to a plan for homeschooling, she was great with the first couple of kids, not so good right now.  In our state, we have many options that do not need as much parental involvement for grades 5 and up. With younger kids, parental involvement is critical.

Your dBPDw is obviously not ready for the challenge.  There is a certain amount of dedication and consistency that is required.  Hopefully you can discuss this rationally, her scores got much better in traditional school and she should continue in it.  If that does not work, tell her you will be getting the school involved, they will naturally take your side in this as they like to protect their turf.  Hopefully it will not get to that.  The BPD will likely make this a difficult discussion, to say the least.

[rubyhammer]

Thank you, Perez, for your reply.

I agree that homeschooling is wonderful, and I actually would like to homeschool our D8.  The unfortunate fact is that I simply do not have the time or energy to dedicate to teaching.  I only recently learned about BPD in the last few months, so I'm spending most of my free time learning about that and my own role in our relationship (exhausting on its own), I work full time, I do lots of the chores.

     You mentioned getting the school involved…will you give me some more clarification about that?  I wasn't aware that was an option.

Thanks again!

[an0ught]

It may be worth thinking a step ahead - when the child becomes a teen. Then an independent personality needs to develop and some distance from a possibly very strongly involved parent may become even more difficult.

[highland dr]

I agree with anought.  I believe strongly in homeschooling.  But, I also believe that children of a BPD parent need exposure outside the home, which helps them with their independence and social skills.  The greater exposure they have to the BPD way of thinking, the more difficult it is for them to learn to rationalize and understand how to relate to the greater social structure.  If D8 likes the public school, then D8 needs the public school.  Listen to D8s voice with this encounter.

[rubyhammer]

An0ught and Highland Dr:  Thank you so much for your input.  I strongly agree with the idea that the more time D8 spends outside the house, and the more interaction she has with healthier people, the better off she's going to be.  Even just the last few short months she's shown much improvement in her ability to handle stressful or uncomfortable situations.

Another hurdle I'll need to overcome is the fact that dBPDw has a tendency to say things such as, "We don't like public school, do we?" or "That public school is just not for us.  I'll be so happy when we get to homeschool again," which of course puts myself or D8 in the crappy situation of either stuffing our own feelings down or agreeing to something we don't actually agree with.  I've noticed during these types of interactions that D8 seems torn between stating her true feelings openly and honestly or saying what she thinks Mom wants to hear.  A lot of times she'll choose to say what Mom wants to hear.

I used to get frustrated by these interactions but I've been working very hard on changing MY responses, using validating responses, NOT invalidating everyone's feelings, etc. and I'm confident that when the time comes for this discussion I'll be able to handle it reasonably well.

I think D8 really likes public school, I just think she'll need my help finding her voice and her strength to speak honestly.  I know she watches how I and dBPDw interact very closely, so hopefully she's seen the new techniques I've tried out and how they work much better.  Lead by example! 

[Perez]

rubyhammer,

My thought with getting the school involved is setting up a meeting with the school counselor or principal.  That will help the conversation stay more rational and less feeling based.  At least this works for us, my uBPDw keeps it together much better when we are in a third party setting.  Since you have some strong facts on your side with the improvement in test scores, keeping the focus on your daughter's success in the public school setting is a good strategy.  Also, schools are funded through how many students attend the school, so school administrators do a good job of selling the school.

As far as the pros and cons generally of homeschooling with a uBPDw, I am wrestling with that right now.  We have a large family so the dynamic is different from having just one or two kids homeschool.  My wife is getting progressively less structured in how she approaches homeschooling, so I may be having the same conversation as you very soon.

[GopherAgent]

Rubyhammer... .

This topic is of great interest to me as my wife and I "homeschooled" our 9 children. Unfortunately, it was a miserable failure for the kids and one I regret allowed to happen to them. Everything in your responses show you have reservations about the successful outcome of homeschooling for you kids. You question her motivations and abilities and you question your ability to juggle the entire enchilada successfully yourself do to how much you do in your family. Rightly so. You are asking legitimate questions.

My homeschooling experience was that my wife decided for religious reasons that she could do a better job than the schools in providing our kids a "balanced" education. However, between sleeping in everyday and only giving the kids books to read on their own, little was actually learned and little "education" actually took place. Meanwhile, I was earning a living and repairing the house and cars, etc. I could not spend any time helping with the "education".

Then I had to listen to her rage that I didn't do enough to help with the "education" and that it was my responsibility to teach them because she had had enough of it.

I tried to intervene when she said she was overwhelmed by it all but failed to change anything and only allowed it to perpetuate. I suggested to her if she was too stressed out by it all to send the kids to schools. So, meerly suggesting that she try sending some of the kids to a real school was an act of questioning her sanity and her intelligence.  Boy, did this cause some fights and rages.

So the kids now tell me (not her) that "homeschooling" from their mom put them at a significant disadvantage because they now see they didn't get some of the basics they needed for dealing with life. They hold her accountable for this... . they understand and can see I tried to intervene and help them. But they do feel cheated by the whole thing.

Basically, I'm suggesting that you already have a "sense" that this is not a good route to take. Knowing that your wife has issues dealing with life will only make the schooling idea a bad one for your kids. The reasoning she has to do it is not motivation enough for her to actually provide a "quality" education that will actually prepare them for life and help them with their self esteem. It is headed for nothing but conflict and failure for you and your kids.

Unfortunately for me... . I will go to my grave knowing that I didn't do enough to stop the failure of my children's education and only allowed it to perpetuate year after year. I could not stop the irrational and insane juggernaught of a wife whose self esteem was built on flipping the bird to the education system while failing to recognize her shortcomings and limitations as a "teacher" all because God told her it was her job to do this.

Worst of all, my kids to this day deal with the lack of an adequate and robust education that could have prepared them for the horrendous work place  enviroments we are now facing in this nation. Things are only getting more partisan and specialized and my kids recognize they are not prepared to deal with this. This is what they tell me and I wince at the recognition that I had the time and place to change this but failed to do so. Luckily for me they still love me and know that I tried to not let this happen.

So... . Rubyhammer... . don't let this happen to you. Right now, make a decision to send your kids to school and give them the education that they will need and avoid the marginal "education" your wife can't adequately give them. Your family is in no position to SUCCESSFULLY educate your kids due to the illness of the one who can't recognize she is not capable of being successful in this endeavor.

Rubyhammer... . Send your kids to school. Yes... . It has it's own shortcommings. But you will never have to admit to yourself that you failed them in this area. Your children will one day respect you for your decision to send them to school and give them a foundation for success!

Thank you... . GopherAgent

[Perez]

GopherAgent,

We have a lot in common, we have lots of kids and have homeschooled for a long time.  If it was up strictly to my wife, it would be an absolute failure.  Fortunately for us, the advances in technology with on-line classrooms and good interactive curriculum have enabled us to mitigate many of my wife's deficiencies and lack of discipline.  The sleeping in comment rang very true.  Still by the time the kids are ready for high school, the controlling BPD behavior makes the kids anxious to go to a traditional school, and so far we prevailed over my wife to do this.  So for me it a lost opportunity for a really great experience but I think on the whole it is slightly positive.  With our relationship now very cold, it make it harder to make good decisions together and my wife is focusing much more on herself to the detriment of the rest of the family. 

[GopherAgent]

Perez... .

I'm glad you remain optimistic about the outcome of homeschooling for your kids.

Unfortunately for us, my wife was in control of that issue from day one to the detriment of all of our kids. If I brought it up to her  and mentioned that she seemed overwhelmed an that there were "other" options for her to ease the stress... . all hell would break loose. "You don't believe in Me!" "Send them to public school and I will divorce you." "God will get even with you if you send them to PS."  "OK Just give my kids to the enemy, will you."  "I'll kill them and you if you send them to PS.", etc.

If I made a suggestion about schooling, or something about which my wife might consider... . she thought I questioned her sanity, her intentions and most of all, her commitment to God because after all... . she was commanded to do this. I was the enemy and her attacker.

One of the kids actually got in her face and told her of the deficiencies she had with home school learning and demanded to go to Jr High to which my wife reluctantly gave in. When we talk about this daughter sometimes, this event comes up and my wife always points out to me my daughter's defiance of my wife's authority and how she was abandoned by this daughter because she went to school.

Needless to say... . The immovable object won the day. I will always regret my lack of strength to circumvent this disaster and its effects on my kids.

Good luck to you, Perez

GopherAgent