How do you maintain your self confidence?

[PacifistMom]

Even on good days, there are several comments on my disorganization, disarray, financial in capability, incompetence in my business, incompetence in managing our daily life, poor parenting decisions etc.

I understand a lot of this is projection when he feels out of control but he certainly believes and emphasizes it all ... .

Wondering if anyone has any special tips or strategies for keeping up your faith in your own abilities ... . You know, seeing yourself without the fog.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[PacifistMom]

One thing is my mom, who tries to set me straight on how very talented smart caring and capable I am but any other help?

[HopefulDad]

As you're doing with your mother, building a support structure is key.  I have a small group of supporters who remind me when I tell them various stories that, "You know this isn't on you, right?"  Along those lines, keep telling yourself that, "Yes, there may be a kernel of truth to the complaint, but my pwBPD is taking this to an unhealthy place."

Honestly, though, the best thing I did was get out of the house for a controlled separation.  Sent a message to myself that I have the strength to take whatever measures necessary to protect my mental well being.  As it turned out, I needed the physical space and while there was a ton of resistance initially, I think my BPDw has benefited from the space as well. 

[Lilibeth]

I was going to put this up today, because the last few days have been very trying and my self-confidence is at zero level - Thanks PacifistMom for bringing this up. I really need help in this... . how does one keep one's self-confidence if all the time either one is told, or it comes up in various ways as to how foolish/unthinking/thoughtless/uncaring etcetc one is, especially when i hardly ever relax when he is around thinking of the thousand things i must do/say, or must not do/say, or i should or need to, to keep the peace.

[MammaMia]

Lillith

Remember where these negative thoughts and comments are coming from... . a person with a severe mental disorder who HAS to make others feel inferior to survive.  This is part of their illness.

Remind yourself of all the great things you have accomplished and what a good person you are. You know you are NOT a failure.  I tell myself my dBPDs has a right to his opinion, and so do I.  I just happen to KNOW his view of me is incorrect, and I choose not to believe it for one second.

Yes, most likely it is projection. I never argue.  I never agree.  I am silent.  There is nothing to be gained by becoming defensive. The best thing to do is disengage.  Just walk away.  Leave the room or take a timeout to calm your thoughts and emotions.  If need be, go for a walk or grab your keys and go for a drive.  Do this for you.

We can choose to ignore cruel remarks as part of an illness.  Works for me.

[Determined1]

It is most definitely tough especially in the heat of the moment but it does help somewhat to remind yourself that your loved one with BPD had a mental illness, has a right to their opinions and feelings although they have cognitive distortions and to practice plenty of self-validation. Also find someone else to vent to so you can stay grounded.

[waverider]

I believe I built the best kids on the planet, I couldn't have done this if I was good for nothing.

Look to your own successes, even if judged by your own biased opinions

Don't allow yourself to become too codependent and enmeshed, otherwise your perspective becomes skewed.

I am dealing with this, most couldn't, thats a big brownie point for effort right there.

Check back on your own posting history to see how much you have changed, it can prove quite grounding.

[Lilibeth]

Thank you so much MammaMia. Your post really helped me get my thinking right. Guess i was drowning... . that was a lifeline from you, Determined1 and Waverider. When my husband is home he is so negative and deluges me with his words... . i really feel i'm drowning in this sea of negativity and slowly all my self-confidence just oozes out. I have to, and will, now, keep telling myself that his view of me and how and what i think really has nothing to do with the real me.

[Cloudy Days]

I was actually going to post a similar question. I had a performance review yesterday at my job and I scored high on everything except for one thing. Confidence, I was told I need to have more confidence in myself, especially since I am doing everything right at my job, I was told I have no reason not to be confident and that I am an exceptional worker. It made me wonder how much of my husband affects me when I am out and about in the world without him. Most days he cuts me down quite a bit and I know that a part of me actually believes what he is saying. But the other part of me is telling myself that this man has mental problems. I want my confidence back.

[Lilibeth]

Cloudy Days i know exactly how you must be feeling. You have to tell yourself over and over again that you are a fantastic person and great at your job. I know it is very, very, very difficult especially since he is putting you down so much. You will learn techniques here that will help you shut out his voice. It is his inadequacies that he is projecting on you. As i said it is difficult but this is something you will need to repeat to yourself. I came here with zero self-confidence, Cloudy Days and i too am trying to get myself back. What i have told you is what i have learnt from here and it is helping me. You WILL get your confidence back Cloudy Days. Don't let anything or anyone get in your way. If you weigh up your strengths you'll see you have a lot, a great deal to be proud of. I also know that the minute you start feeling confident, your husband will try to put you down-it happens to me all the time- he tries to make me look like a fool. But not any more. I'm working hard towards this so you are not alone. We can do it and we owe it to ourselves to get back our confidence. Just that we are our own cheering party! And here you will find people who will suport you! Stay strong Cloudy Days. Read what MammaMia and Waverider have said. You'll get strength from them.

[Cloudy Days]

Thanks that does help. I know one thing I have noticed that I am doing is when my husband is cutting me down, getting angry at me I tend to just agree with him with whatever he is saying, because it makes him less mad if I just agree that I am stupid, lazy, dumb, you know whatever he is calling me at that moment, except for a cheater, I will never agree with him on that. He actually started calling me peanut as a cute pet name. At least he thought it was a cute pet name but the entire reason he came up with it is because he is saying my brain is the size of a peanut. I told him it was disrespectful and that I didn't actually like being called that. So he keeps calling me it, especially in public places. It's a way for him to call me stupid with out cursing at me.  It's amazing I have any self confidence left.

[MammaMia]

When my dBPDs starts demeaning me and telling me terrible things, I think to myself... . "Yeah right, hahaha.  Whatever!"  "You have absolutely no clue how capable I am and never will.  THAT is YOUR problem, not mine.  I know WHO AND WHAT I am, and I am not the person your disordered mind sees."  "You really do not know me at all, and I do not have to defend or justify myself to you or anyone else because I know the truth."

I have gotten to the point where I really do not hear all the nasty things... . all I hear is "blah, blah, blah".  You CAN tune them out.

What ever you do, DO NOT say these things out loud.  They are for your enjoyment only.

Try it, you will like it.

[Hope26]

Wow, there have been so many good insights and observations in this thread.  I learn new things about this disorder every time I visit this site, and 'knowledge is power', as they say.  I was single for 25 years between marriages and before my uBPDh.  Self-confidence was never an issue for me, as I was doing just fine socially and professionally during those years.  Lilibeth, you said something that really resonated with me.  I don't know how to pick up quotes here, but you said 'whenever you start to show self-confidence, he puts you down'.  What I have seen is that when I start acting exuberantly happy, which certainly doesn't happen often, it triggers a dysregulating episode.  I get accused of 'repeating myself' when I try to share the reason for my joy, and a rage generally ensues.  I don't know if this is exactly the same as expressing confidence, but to me it seems related.  It's almost like they have huge control issues that drive them.  Perhaps nothing is supposed to make us happy or confident unless it is directly due to their actions?  Just trying to understand... .

[MammaMia]

Hope26

You nailed it.  PwBPD are so self-absorbed that anything that does not directly affect them is irrelevant.

My dBPDs tells me all the time that he could not care less about anyone else and/or their thoughts or feelings.  Good things that happen to others are met with immediate ridicule, or "Stop... . I really do not care."  It is a total lack of empathy.

If you are cheerful and feeling good, you do not need to explain anything to your BPD spouse. Often something generic like "I had a really good day" will suffice without any details.  Rarely will they ask why you had a good day - because they just do not care.  Sadly, they do not even have the basic tools to "pretend" they care.  If THEY had a good or bad day, however, you will hear every detail that goes on for hours.

I am sorry but it is what it is.

[Lilibeth]

Cloudy Days, it's the same here - he loves telling me how i don't know anything about anything. I used to share what i had learnt or read during the day, but stopped it because it was not 'high brow' enough for him, or i was getting it all wrong, and how in the world could i understand when i had no sense at all... . Cloudy Days, am learning to shut my mind to it. I have another problem too - all that i feel shows on my face, and then it's a double dose for me. After being here, i've learnt that i don't need to smash my face in despair, i can just shut him out and if he says anything, then just ignore it and keep telling myself i am okay - all right as i am - say and do anything that gives me happiness and distracts me - for it is NOT true what he says... . As MammaMia says, just tune them out because you CAN - just try it, Cloudy Days, and you will see that it gets easier - and if he says anything to that - that you are not being attentive or something like that, just walk away or put on a Mona Lisa smile and tell yourself: 'I know WHO AND WHAT I am, and I am not the person your disordered mind sees."  "You really do not know me at all, and I do not have to defend or justify myself to you or anyone else because I know the truth." Powerful thought from MammaMia - and "I do not have to defend or justify myself to you or anyone else because I know the truth."

Cloudy Days, by nature i am a happy person, but now i've learnt, for my own peace of mind, never ever ever to show my happiness - ever. And you're right, that's how my husband feels too - 'nothing is supposed to make us happy or confident unless it is directly due to their actions.' And if we let this get to us, it totally sends every vestige of self-confidence out... .

As Hope26 said, 'Good things that happen to others are met with immediate ridicule.' There is always a negative reason that he gives - for everything and everyone - worse, he relates it back to him and how he is the one who has thought something great or done something great... . Recently he went for a conference where all the speakers were great - and a few days later they were all trash and he was the only one great... .

'PwBPD are so self-absorbed that anything that does not directly affect them is irrelevant.They really don't care if we had a good day' as MammaMia said. I never ever tell him what kind of day i had - it is just always, oh, okay... . anything more than that will set him off... . If at all i have to share anything, i have to put it in terms of it not being something i liked or enjoyed... . and since i cannot do that, best is to just say an okay.

He does not like me to tell him either to have a good day because it comes back to - you don't understand my work and how tension-producing and stressful it is or you wouldn't wish me a good day... . so either way it's a no win... .

The thing i cannot understand is that he is like this with me, but i know it for a fact that at work he laughs and jokes with people... . but at home, it all has to be serious, and all about the terrible things happening in the world etcetc and how can we be so insensitive and be happy etc... . he is so moralistic about everything... . wants to show how high his morals are, thereby slipping in how lax i am in everything... .

Through these posts i'm learning slowly how to win back my confidence in myself... . thanks all... .

[Stalwart]

I can only give a reply to your question from my own experience and perspective.

I maintain my self-confidence simply by knowing that I am the one who does not have or live in these personal challenges that my wife does. I'm the strong, 'sane' and 'functional' partner who has the ability to make changes that can positively affect both of our situation. She can't for the most part but she's getting more aware and better at that all the time now that she aware, doing therapy and work together toward a better goal in our lives.

My self-confidence comes from knowing I am self-abled to make positive changes. To learn what I need to learn to do that, knowing it will affect both our lives by how I change myself to better adapt to the disharmony we once lived in for nine years.

My self-confidence comes from that strength of self-ability combined with HOPE for the future. I carry that in my thoughts within a guarded parameter, knowing that goal takes patience, failures, disappointments and challenges from time to time to achieve.

It's all about going forward in a positive direction regardless of the hurdles I've had to learn to jump, but I no longer jump through hoops. That's a good thing.

[Lilibeth]

Thanks, Stalwart, for that. Certainly helps to know how you deal with this problem. And these are good inputs that you've given - i'll have to do this by myself, and keep it to myself too, because my husband just won't give me a chance.

[Stalwart]

“... all that I feel shows on my face, and then it's a double dose for me.”

Wow Lil can I relate to that. My wife has the inert ability to run a scan on my face and voice that can reveal the slightest to the deepest concern or unhappiness, for all my efforts to conceal them. She’s high-functioning and has extremely developed abilities to make up for the things ‘she doesn’t feel’ and recognize them immediately in others. She can sure pick them up instantaneously in others and myself. It is uncanny to experience.

Most times I have to say she’s really accurate but always to an extreme in her self-absorbed thinking about ‘why?’. The answer is always focused around her, her fault, her responsibility, her actions. That’s dangerous thinking I’ve learned to recognize and ward off. I’ve also learned I have to be totally honest in my replies. I can’t change her ability to detect. She’s just too darn good at it and I guess I’m not good at hiding it. I can ward off her thinking by recognizing this and warding off her personal concerns and involvements in my considerations though. I”ve learned never to underplay, lie or ignore her concerns like this and especially because if she doesn’t believe my response there is ‘no h*ll like the scorn…’

“…he is so moralistic about everything….” That must hurt to be at a brunt comparison to his extreme moralistic attitude. As bad as that is perhaps is moralistic attitude is actually something to be grateful for (if it’s practiced.)

The alternative of a BPD partner that doesn’t have a true moral compass is a world of the extremist hurt for anyone who’s lived with one. Sometimes small warped-blessings come in disguised packages Lil even if they can be hurtful to experience.

[Soulsisters]

confidence.

it is such an important piece to being a whole person.  It should be criminal to steal something so vital from someone else.  Stealing someone's confidence is robbing someone of a necessary component for survival.  IT is taking their air and water and heat from them. 

I used to think that I could fight off the constant criticisms about every thing that I did.  I tried all of the positive reinforcement tools that I could get my hands on, but in the end I lost my confidence along with everything else.  Even if you say to yourself "I am not listening to him, he is wrong, I am fine"  he is still telling you  that you are not.  We hear the words even if we try to block them out and it will get to a person in the end.  Our subconscious can hear the ugly words even if our conscious self is saying otherwise.

I feel like I have been given another shot at life since my divorce.  I found myself in the mirror again and I found my confidence again.  I am just as good as anyone else.  I have no right to judge nor criticize anyone and no one has the right to do that to me.  I have the right to stay away from ugly words that my subconscious hears.  I simply can stay away from that person.  I do not have to make it a big deal or try and prove that I am right.  I just have to not place myself in the line of fire of ugly words that hurt me.

Try and find some distance from the ugly words that hurt your soul.  If you have to stay with that person, leave the house when the ugly words start.  Don't let them be said for your ears to hear.  Take a walk around the block and pray for yourself to have a shield and amour to fight off the words.

I wish you well.  I promise you that you are so much stronger than you think.  I also promise you that you are beautiful and smart, funny and competent, and you are exactly how you are supposed to be.  There is nothing wrong with you, and there is not another person just like you.  You are special.

Bless you lilibeth

[Cloudy Days]

Cloudy Days, it's the same here - he loves telling me how i don't know anything about anything. I used to share what i had learnt or read during the day, but stopped it because it was not 'high brow' enough for him, or i was getting it all wrong, and how in the world could i understand when i had no sense at all... . Cloudy Days, am learning to shut my mind to it. I have another problem too - all that i feel shows on my face, and then it's a double dose for me.

I don't share anything about my day either. Usually because he becomes suspicious about everything. He also sees everything on my face or reads my body language. His body language usually triggers me though and it reads through my body language. My husband also has a super human ability to read people, he's usually partially right about a lot of things, he's just a little too extreme to be completely right. I think I am more emotional than I would like to be. I raise my voice when I feel attacked and he gets triggered by the sound of my voice. I have been working on keeping my voice at a low level, it's very hard when emotions are running rampant.

I've been trying to do a lot of work on myself lately. I think it is working, not only am I getting along better with my husband but I feel better about myself. In the past I was aware of how Codependent I am but I think I sort of forgot about it and got back into the same things I usually do. I printed out the page on this site about Codependency I am going to give it to my therapist because it really describes how I feel and I don't want to be like that anymore. I'm tired of feeling damaged. Thank you Lilibeth for your encouragement, I really needed it.

[Stalwart]

Cloudy days wow I live your life. If I reveal any type of situation at work that may be negative she jumps right in with a violent rage about 'what I should do that person' - 'they don't have the right' etc etc... . you perobably know the score. She won't let it go until I can tell her the situation is resolved and how I did that. So I don't go there anymore. How was your day? Same ol' same ol'.

I feel for you and I love that your feeling for yourself and working on improving your situation. It's a lot of work and I don't think there's one of us who don't have to continually ensure to some extent we do protect our SELVES.

I have one small advantage that saves me from having to point out when she's starting to 'use that voice'. My dog is so attuned now to it that he runs for the door to go out and hide as soon as 'that voice' starts. I just have to say, "Hold on I have to let out Hershey - he's upset" and she recognizes no that she's using THAT voice, and rethinks her approach. It's all about her awareness of her own problem now that is also helping both of us move forward.

He's a good dog. 

[Cloudy Days]

My dogs do the same thing! Whether I raise my voice or whether my husband starts to show his agitation over whatever he is agitated about at that moment. The dog will come out of a sleep and take off and we both notice it and try to regroup, not always but if we aren't at a highly emotional level yet we can.

I know most of what I do is to protect myself and most of what he does is to protect himself, I can see how it makes for a lot of dysfunction. Neither of us is really compassionate towards the other because we are so worried about getting hurt ourselves 

[Lilibeth]

Thank you Soulsisters for that boost - '... . you are exactly how you are supposed to be.  There is nothing wrong with you, and there is not another person just like you.  You are special.' I have to keep working so hard, Soulstisters, and sometimes am so tired my mind just shuts off... . but then again, when i read these posts and know that i am not alone in my struggle, and that we are all here supporting each other, it's like another shot in the arm.

It's the same here, Cloudy Days -  he reads my face and my body language. Have tried to make myself as deadpan as i possibly can, but it doesn't always happen... . My husband is also suspicious about everything. I am a stay-at-home person, do a bit of online editing when i can, but i cannot share anything. Even just saying what a lovely day it is can trigger off a whole barrage of environment issues that 'i'm not bothered about'... . As for my mail - he is just so suspicious about who writes - noone does other than an occasional note from a relative... . but i subscribe to a lot of newsletters... . just so i can feel part of the world. He does not let me have any contact with the neighbors, so there is noone to talk to even the whole day. This raising of the voice when upset or emotional about something used to happen to me. It's taken me great effort, Cloudy Days, but now i just keep quiet because the repercussions are worse... .

I think we just need to work on ourselves, to feel better about ourselves.

My husband wanted me to be totally dependent on him - that was something that i did fall into in the early years. Gradually, the hurts brought in a distance - that was not real independence - but now i am a great deal more independent, though i have to keep it from him. He is seeing the changes, and is quiet now - have no idea when it will erupt - that is what i have to be prepared for.

Despite everything, Cloudy Days, we are going to make our lives better... . I think we have to learn to be first of all compassionate about ourselves. We cannot expect our husbands to do that, simply because their reality is different and at a difficult and trying moment they are dysfuncitonal. So it is clearly on us to resolve the issue. For that, i think we first need to show compassion to ourselves. I know how very, very difficult it is... . i have no answer or solution as to how this is to be done, can only tell you what helps me - i do something kind for myself... . something just for me... . read something nice someone here has written and which would apply to me as well... . something like this. I also know that once i am calm inside of myself and know that i am not this rubbish person, it helps bring a measure of calm in the home environment too... . i also know, Cloudy Days, that there is no one solution for every time... . but it is important for us, who have gotten so used to being pushed aside to again reassure our own selves that we are okay... . that balm of compassion has to be for us first... .

Lucky you, Stalwart... . Hershey's really, really a great dog!

[waverider]

Good attitude Lilibeth. One positive little improvement at a time. It is these little changes and realignments that give us self confidence.

No need to try the grand revolution overnight. That just brings on too much conflict which can break our wills and set us back a long way. It is hard to achieve anything when you are in a state of high conflict

Just be consistent and consolidate any little steps forward, it is too easy to stumble if we are too ambitious at once.

[Lilibeth]

Thank you for that Waverider. Needed that, and it means a lot to me.

[Cloudy Days]

No need to try the grand revolution overnight. That just brings on too much conflict which can break our wills and set us back a long way. It is hard to achieve anything when you are in a state of high conflict

Just be consistent and consolidate any little steps forward, it is too easy to stumble if we are too ambitious at once.

I need to remember this, I think I get so stuck on the fact that if I do something drastic then he is going to act in a drastic way. This is what holds me back. I did have a calmness about me this weekend. I feel stronger for it and it gave me some confidence. I do have something I do for just me, I love to draw and have found something called Zentangle. It's like meditation through drawing, I love it. I stopped drawing for a very long time and have just started to pick it up again within the last few months. I missed it a lot.

And Thank You Lilibeth your words give me so much encouragement.

[Lilibeth]

I know, how it is Cloudy Days... . you don't even have to do anything drastic - it can be just an involuntary smile because you have remembered something, or just waking up happy, or an epiphany moment when you have read something that resonates with you, and your face lights up - just a change, any change in your demeanour, or look on the face can trigger off another unpleasantness. It's almost as if he thrives and comes alive only when he is sure he has crushed me totally. No matter if it is a small thing or a big thing - his reaction is the same. Well, after spending time here, i decided this is not going to happen. So when that knot starts forming in my stomach, i just keep repeating all the good things i have learnt here - the bathroom is the only place where he will not follow me, so that is where i go, and just stand looking out of the window till my breathing evens out.

Good for you, Cloudy Days, very, very good, that you have found Zentangle - but even better than good is the fact that you picked out what you like to do just for you - that is the thing. I do a lot of needlecraft. Of course, it used to bring the house down, earlier, but i just steadfastly kept on, so now he does not say anything, though i know he doesn't like it... . i just keep on. This will keep your head down, and you will force your hands to be steady, though your heart is pounding and head is trying to remember all the good things about you... .

It happens to me, and i think maybe it happens with you too - having lived so long like this, i can feel his 'angry' vibes coming on - and my heart starts pounding right from then - i stutter, say the wrong things - things that i know are only going to stoke his temper, and everything about me goes wrong. I'm learning now, that as soon as i feel those vibes, i just have to push myself to think of the things i've learnt, keep my mouth shut, and just go on doing what i am... . and if it becomes bad, then pick up my needlecraft... .

It will take time, Cloudy Days, and we will make mistakes - and this only comes through practice. DreamFlyer99 stressed on practice... . and Waverider said 'consolidate any little steps forward'... . even though we make wrong choices which bring the house down around our ears and pushes our self-confidence under the ground, we keep on practising... . tell ourselves we are but human, be gentle with ourselves (i find this so difficult sometimes, Cloudy Days) and then give ourselves a treat... .

[Chosen]

Thanks for posting this thread.  I used to be a confident (maybe overly confident) person, but now I've been unsure of myself.  I'm already better than 2 years ago, when I had no confidence at all and it seemed like I do everything wrong.

I get told a lot by uBPDh that I'm incapable too.  He always tells me he has low standards for me (which I feel is NOT true) and yet I can't meet his standards.  He also says he loves me despite me being bad at this and that... . which kind of implies that he loves me because he's good, not because of anything I am.

To add to that, I have a boss who doesn't think I have any value and actually expresses that often (she is diagnosed with some sort of psy illness... . oh well).  So for me it's really, really difficult to have a sense of who I am, what I am capable of doing.  I don't have close immediate family, my mum who thinks I do everything brilliantly is dead, so I don't have many people to talk to.

I try to remind myself that he has mentally ill, he doesn't think in a logically manner so his feelings have very little connection with what sort of person I am.  I also try to praise myself for the small steps I could achieve (e.g. if he is upset and I remembered to validate him, no matter what the final outcome was), and I remind myself that I am human and sometimes I fail, and there's always the next time to try and do it better.

[Lilibeth]

Chosen, these words of yours - 'I try to remind myself that he has mentally ill, he doesn't think in a logically manner so his feelings have very little connection with what sort of person I am.  I also try to praise myself for the small steps I could achieve (e.g. if he is upset and I remembered to validate him, no matter what the final outcome was), and I remind myself that I am human and sometimes I fail, and there's always the next time to try and do it better' - have given me so much strength. Just don't let anything he says get to you - you know those words are not for you to go by, or judge yourself by. I have to hear, all the time - all the time, without respite, from my husband, how rubbish everyone and everything is, except himself... . how noone knows anything except himself... . When it touches my daughter and son-in-law, it hurts unbearably... .

Thank you, Chosen, for sharing.

[PacifistMom]

I wish you well.  I promise you that you are so much stronger than you think.  I also promise you that you are beautiful and smart, funny and competent, and you are exactly how you are supposed to be.  There is nothing wrong with you, and there is not another person just like you.  You are special.

Thank you for this Soulsisters