BPD Husband "It's Me or Your friend" - new here

[sewunique]

Husband has textbook BPD we have faced all of the normal problems over the past 3 years. I'm very glad to have found this group i'm coming here today needing advice

at the time of all this i was 20. friend was 20, guy we both ended up seeing was 36

B (friend)

J (my husband)


My husband and I started dating 3 years ago (have been married 16 months as of now) We met threw my roomate B she was seeing him (along with many other guys) the first time I met J at our appartment I told her "Your crazy if you don't go after him he is hot and seems like a nice guy!"  he had just very recently separated from his wife of 11 years and was staying at his parents house until he could find a ppace to rent (he stayed at his parents house less than a month) B wasnt the type of girl to settle down with 1 guy she would have as many as 5 guys over in a week sleeping with most of them. a appartment became avalible right next to ours and she told J about it so he facebook messaged me about it asking "if I thought it was a good idea for him to move into that appartment?" i said "if i were you i probably wouldnt" he decided to not get the appartment. J and i became friends. I told her many times "you should date him he seems like a great guy" B would always tell me "You can have him you all would make a batter couple" (At the time i was seeing my on again off again boyfriend M who treated me like crap and I found out he was cheating on me and broke up with him during this 2 week period of time) M knew about J and B seeing each other and i told M about him asking me if he should get the appartment beside us and that i said no. one night B had another guy over and my then boyfriend Mdecided to get his number off fb and tell him that B had another guy over well 30 minutes later J shows up and finds her in her bedroom with another  guy! they ended things that night. Over the next 2 to 3 weeks I broke up with my boyfriend M (him cheating was the final straw) and began talking to J more and more and went and hung out a couple times. It started out as nothing more than friends who just got out of bad relationships. i didnt tell B much about it then when i did she got mad and told me "she didnt want me seeing him" i said "You told me you didnt like him and I could have him over and over again I thought you were ok with it" (i ended up moving out a couple days later) She knew i was going to move out to rent my gradparents house but the move happened sooner than was planned due to the fight  (she wasn't the best roomate very messy!) I had another friend that wanted to rent the house with me and she backed out on me last minute. my now bf J needed a place to rent and we decided to move in together (we had known eachother about 2 months hadn't been dating more than 4 weeks. early I know!) me and friend lost touch not on good terms. J and I dated and got married 16 months ago he is and always has been controling i knew this when i married him. textbook BPD relationship.

last week B sent me a text message telling me she missed me and i've talked to her a couple time. I told him and it and he said he didnt want me having anything to do with her and i "had to chose him or her" i couldnt have both. i dont have many friends anymore im lonely at times.going from early 20's and no kids to a step mom of 4 and married i drifted away from pretty much all of my friends. this girl was the losest/best friendship ive ever had and i miss her.it was nice reconnecting with her now i'm heart broken and don't know if i should put my foot down about this or not.I know this is a ODD situation please give me honest opinions

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[elemental]

Did he say why he feels so strongly? That is, has he expressed what his concerns are?

[Grey Kitty]

hello and welcome to bpdfamily! You will find a lot of great support here, as well as lots of really useful stuff in the Lessons (look in the sidebar ---->> >

last week Britney sent me a text message telling me she missed me and i've talked to her a couple time. I told him and it and he said he didnt want me having anything to do with her and i "had to chose him or her" i couldnt have both.

First, it sounds like he is being controlling and making huge threats here. Has he been treating you this way consistently, or is this something new?

Second, as elemental asked... . do you have any idea what your H's issue with her is?

i dont have many friends anymore im lonely at times.going from early 20's and no kids to a step mom of 4 and married i drifted away from pretty much all of my friends. this girl was the losest/best friendship ive ever had and i miss her.it was nice reconnecting with her now i'm heart broken

I can see how your life shifted seriously here. The isolation is a bad part of it--it is part of the BPD "system" that is designed to control/trap you.

don't know if i should put my foot down about this or not.I know this is a ODD situation please give me honest opinions

Actually the situation strikes me as fairly normal, except for your H's BPD stuff. People get pissed off for bad reasons, and sometimes think better of it, forgive, and move on!

As for putting your foot down... . help us understand the situation a bit more:

Is this the first time he's made a big fuss to isolate you from somebody else? Or does he do this anytime you want to be in contact with somebody?

Does he threaten to leave/end things regularly, or is this new too?

[maxen]

hi sewunique and  

your situation sounds very confusing and stressful! i'm very sorry to read about it. the close friends i have aren't many and for that reason they mean the world to me. i thoroughly understand that you feel heartbroken.

i would like to think that it will be possible for you to hold onto your friend. you wonder if you should put your foot down about the situation. do you think improved communication would help? we have information about BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence and Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN). these may be a place to start.

can you tell us a little more about why your h doesn't want you to contact your friend? along with grey kitty and elemental, i wonder are there specific reasons? please keep posting, sewunique!

[sewunique]

My husband finds something wrong with every person besides himself (including every family member I have) When I told him about talking to her he said "I would end up talking to and hanging out with other guys like she does" when he has no reason to think I would. I was never like her even when we lived together. He thinks "she is drama and honestly she can be at times. He said it bothers him because he slept with her (once) and she lied to him and was seeing other guys while they were talking to each other" BUT if it were not for this WE would have never met! I told him "I understood of he didn't want to be around her and I was fine with that and didn't expect us to all hand out. I just want the opportunity to see if the friend ship is worth my time"

[sewunique]

Also it's VERY normal for him to make threats in a typical argument I will hear atleast one of the following "your selfish and only care about yourself" "leave get out" "I don't want you here" "you can leave it I can" "we cannot be fixed" "your always the victim"

[Grey Kitty]

sewunique,

It sounds like this is more of his "normal" treatment of you then, more than a specific issue with this one person... . in other words, it is a good time for you to start changing things.

We have a *LOT* of good stuff for you to read on how to do this in the lessons. I recommend reading through them all when you have time.

The links from maxen are a good start, especially the one about boundaries.

My other advice is to hold tight to your own reality--your H will say all sorts of things that don't make sense, including telling you what you think or what you will do. Don't start believing what he says about you like that. (i.e. you would start talking to and hanging out with guys like she does) I'd also add that trying to convince him that he's wrong is almost as bad as believing what he says--it just makes things worse with him. Your explanations of why this wasn't true are very reasonable... . I'm guessing that if you told your H these things, it wouldn't help the situation at all.

Hang in there--and do keep posting here--it really helps!

 GK