He sent me a text which I think is strange

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

This was the last thing I said to him with the final idea of no longer contacting him for a long, long time... .    I did not, in fact I was positive I would not hear a word from him even from this last post,  he has not been answering me prior to this,  so this was my fair well, for real sign off to him:

Oh, and I dont know if you can see my page but i found some beautiful jewelry made from broken plates. Its the only gesture I could think of to fix what can not be fixed, but things can all ways be tranformed, sometimes into things that are even better then they were before.   I'll all ways love you (His Name),  but I cant go on writing like this with no one there to answer me. I wish you well, and if you want to answer me you will,  if you dont then, if you dont then, then you wont.  Im going to go on now and be gone for quite awhile,  but Ill all ways keep an eye out for you in case you change you mind.     be well,  ok...  (my Name)

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       OK,   I get this back:    You got to get over it best way you can, msg'ing me will only prolong the pain for both of us. Hope youre ok, and i hope your move happens sooner rather than later. Stay safe and goodbye.

Ok,  and then I get a link to a map Of my home state and a site to go to about the earthquakes here.  

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First of all Im tierd of it.  Should I answer him back? after all the time I have been waiting before to hear from him with him knowing full well about this,   I finally make my declaration,   and whoops!  there he is.      I really need to examine this.  I just do.

#1:  why is he sending me info about my state I live in,  like we were just texting stuff to each other like it was before in the good old days?  huh?  #2.  Why is he referring to "us" being in pain.    If he is in pain , why doesn't he just apologized!  and all will be good again, but noo,   we both have to be in pain... . Am I going crazy?  I all ready told him I wasn't going to write for as long while,   did he really need to say that: messaging me will only prolong the pain for both of us.    << <   da... that's why I said what I did.   Should I not answer him since I all ready said I wasn't going to answer for awhile. ?  I need help with this... .   thanks      

[goingtostopthis]

This was the last thing I said to him with the final idea of no longer contacting him for a long, long time... .    I did not, in fact I was positive I would not hear a word from him even from this last post,  he has not been answering me prior to this,  so this was my fair well, for real sign off to him:

Oh, and I dont know if you can see my page but i found some beautiful jewelry made from broken plates. Its the only gesture I could think of to fix what can not be fixed, but things can all ways be tranformed, sometimes into things that are even better then they were before.   I'll all ways love you (His Name),  but I cant go on writing like this with no one there to answer me. I wish you well, and if you want to answer me you will,  if you dont then, if you dont then, then you wont.  Im going to go on now and be gone for quite awhile,  but Ill all ways keep an eye out for you in case you change you mind.     be well,  ok...  (my Name)

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       OK,   I get this back:    You got to get over it best way you can, msg'ing me will only prolong the pain for both of us. Hope youre ok, and i hope your move happens sooner rather than later. Stay safe and goodbye.

Ok,  and then I get a link to a map Of my home state and a site to go to about the earthquakes here.  

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First of all Im tierd of it.  Should I answer him back? after all the time I have been waiting before to hear from him with him knowing full well about this,   I finally make my declaration,   and whoops!  there he is.      I really need to examine this.  I just do.

#1:  why is he sending me info about my state I live in,  like we were just texting stuff to each other like it was before in the good old days?  huh?  #2.  Why is he referring to "us" being in pain.    If he is in pain , why doesn't he just apologized!  and all will be good again, but noo,   we both have to be in pain... . Am I going crazy?  I all ready told him I wasn't going to write for as long while,   did he really need to say that: messaging me will only prolong the pain for both of us.    << <   da... that's why I said what I did.   Should I not answer him since I all ready said I wasn't going to answer for awhile. ?  I need help with this... .   thanks      

[goingtostopthis]

I also need to say,  that maybe hes just being nice,  then I got this feeling where what he is doing is so pointless.  ending our relationship,   no reasoning to it at all, if any of you know my story.  or his.  Its like he just has to have the drama.   We haven't seen each other in person in 6 months!  This relationship has basically been entirely on line.  and ooh the drama hes got me sucked into.   

                                                           

[goingtostopthis]

Its like pain hes made up.  Its like hes into pain.

[fromheeltoheal]

Yes, he is sucking you into the drama, and no, you shouldn't communicate back.  If he really is disordered, you are the only one who will stop the games, and if you focus on you, your future, and whether or not this guy should be a part of it, and make your decisions from that place, you can act accordingly.

Plus, I did the same thing you did: a huge chunk of our relationship was by Facebook, text, and email.  It's said only 7% of the 'message' someone is communicating is the words, the rest is the tone of voice and the body language, neither of which you get from a text, for example.  My ex loved her smartphone because she could get a does of attachment and soothing while keeping an emotional distance; I would have loved to be in a relationship with the girl on the other end of those texts, but the one in person seemed like a different person, a raging btch I couldn't stand.  I say if you are going to communicate with him, at least do it on the phone so you get the tone of voice too; that would give you half of what he's really saying, even better Skype, and better than that, in person.  And maybe best, not at all.

[goingtostopthis]

Thank You,  What I am seeing is a pattern.  The 4 text messages before the one where I decided to go on and not be available to him for a long time, they were all very emotional.  They were all me looking for emotional validation from him over what happened during our ending it fight, so to speak.   

               

                         Im telling him Im a good person. Im telling him it was a misunderstanding.  Im looking for him to validate my side in things and to care about my feelings.   Each time I have written things like this, loving things, ideas of still wanting to be with him , things most important of all that entail reason and common sense.  Each time Im ignored.   No Answer.   Its almost as if he knows Im talking about valid points in my own behalf and his, as us together.  but he doesn't care.  These are things any normal person couldn't deniegh. Its like Im having my reality challenged on purpose.   Out of spite?  I haven't a clue.  I only know how this feels.    Then when I am most certaintly serious of going no contact with him and I tell him this,  he frickin answers me with this stif.    The Oklahoma map show an increase in earthquakes in my area, and its time lapsed and it looks scary.    Why send this to me?  To scare me... .   Like hes really concerned?   Done are anywhere in my area and he knows this. 

[Aussie0zborn]

I don't know your story but I feel you're beating yourself up. Six months is a long time and he has probably moved on. I don't think he is saying what he'd like to say, but saying what he thinks he needs to say to politely remind you that its over. Trying to analyse his response will only give you sleepless nights.

If he has the disorder you will not get the validation you are looking for. Maybe you can look at how you will move on too?

[goingtostopthis]

No, he hasn't moved on... . at all. Hes acting.   we were in a relationship for 6 months, on Skype every day morning and night.

[goingtostopthis]

This guy changed from loving and normal to mean and cruel  not in reality over night...  if he has moved on,  why should he "still" be in pain?  Im upset because this guy as been so patronizing to me and talking down to me like he doesn't even know me anymore. Its like hes intentionally trying to humiliate me and I think Im right.     

[fromheeltoheal]

Im telling him Im a good person. Im telling him it was a misunderstanding.  Im looking for him to validate my side in things and to care about my feelings.   Each time I have written things like this, loving things, ideas of still wanting to be with him , things most important of all that entail reason and common sense.  Each time Im ignored.   No Answer.   Its almost as if he knows Im talking about valid points in my own behalf and his, as us together.  but he doesn't care.  These are things any normal person couldn't deniegh. Its like Im having my reality challenged on purpose.   Out of spite?  I haven't a clue.  I only know how this feels.    Then when I am most certaintly serious of going no contact with him and I tell him this,  he frickin answers me with this stif.    The Oklahoma map show an increase in earthquakes in my area, and its time lapsed and it looks scary.    Why send this to me?  To scare me... .   Like hes really concerned?   :)one are anywhere in my area and he knows this. 

Just speaking standard borderline, if you're pouring your heart out to him in emails or whatever, he knows he has you, the attachment is in place, that eliminates the fear of abandonment, he's soothed, he's good.  And there's probably some shame, making it uncomfortable for him to communicate.  It's all about his emotions, not that yours don't matter, he's just not emotionally mature enough to consider yours, and dealing with his is a full time job.  Reason and common sense for you and me is very different from his reality; someone with a serious mental illness thinks differently than those who don't.  Again, standard borderline, apply as needed.

I've lived in California my whole life and earthquakes are usually no big deal; unlike hurricanes you get zero warning, so you don't waste any time worrying, and the long ones are over in 15 seconds.  No biggie.  Most of them are small, you feel them but they don't do any damage, and the big ones, the ones that topple buildings and such don't happen very often; the last one we had was 25 years ago.  Not to worry about things we can't control, same with personality disorders.  Take care of you!

[goingtostopthis]

Thank you for your answer.   I needed some time to calm down and get my thoughts together on this. I was at work when I got this and I just couldnt put together what I was thinking. I wish I could delete a few of my posts here and start over,  but its ok.  Ill do it now.  I know what's going on.  I realize this must be hard for readers because I dont have my whole story put in context.

                      I was mad because because right when I was ready for some serious no contact, he shows up on my screen. I believe he did show up because he knew this by the way I was writing about it. Its easy for him to do this now because "I" was the one saying goodbye in my way. Hes very competitive in a sick way and so he had to make sure that "He" was the one doing this over me regardless of the fact that I made my point before that and I wasnt going to talk to him anymore for a long time.   The thing is he has rejected me yet has still made it clear that he still wants to be friends. We were acting as friends a few weeks ago but it got wierd. Its like I keep saying, hes not the same person anymore. Hes like this wicked altra ego.  He wants to dominate me. He talks down to me now like a child in a very cold detached way. Its sickning! He knows Im right about a lot of the things Ive been saying about what went wrong with us,  and the truth is, (I never said this to him) but the truth is,  nothing went wrong,  he created it.  He doesnt want to validate me in Anything! Im trying to keep us to together. Im being the peace maker,  the air clearer,  the misunderstanding seer,   He wants nothing to do with this!  What hes been doing psychologically with me isnt normal. He claims hes in pain from all this and needs to heal,  yet will take no words of healing truth from me to help himself recover. He doesnt want to recover. He wants things between us bad... . like this.   HE WANTS THIS.   Its not a matter of this situation just unfortunitely happening as things like this naturally do, no ,  he made this happen and refuses to allow anything I say change this.  He's denieghing reality out right to my face.     <I  just had to say this before I say anything more.    thanks...      

[goingtostopthis]

The broken plate thing was in reference to him and how "he" described something I did to him! What exactly that was I still have not gotten a clear answer.  Seriously!   I wounded him that bad!  I mared him that bad!  what?  what did I do? Hes a BPD,  he's got to be.  So I made up the story and sent him a picture of pretty jewelry that was made from broken plate pieces. I thought it was a beautiful way of handleing this and to show care for his feelings,  but in his message he turned this around as if "I" was telling the story as a means for "me" to cope. It didnt have anything to do with me. It was about him, he was the one who compared how he felt to this, not me.

               It makes me wonder if this isnt apart of how they project themselves into you and get confused because they dont know who the heck they are.

              >and the geo logical earthquake thing was confusing to me as well, because he doesnt put stuff like that up  for meor share with me unless were friends and making it a habit to communicate. It seemed pointless and stupid and a kind of half mixed message. He obviously took the time to find the thing and post it. He has all the time in the world to read and ignore everything I had been writing in the last two weeks, no problem, oh but I better put up this earthquake thing of interest for her.  The thing is, some one on here said something to me about soothing.  This is what he has been doing reading every single one of my messages, probably twise... . and then not answering me.  Leaving me more empty, more in pain, more depleted,  more desperately sad each time. While he feeds on this. -----------How long is it going to take me to learn?  +I know today he was more then certain that I was going to come back writing him right back! Taking the bate.  so to speak... . ya... . I know he was almost positive or he would have never have answered me at all.   I have nothing to say.  I had nothing to say.  I will not answer him "this" time.   He HAD to say the words "good bye" to me. He said them because they make "Him"  feel good. It has nothing to do with the relationship ending. All this is just details in order for him to orchestrate what hes been doing to me.  It makes him feel good to hurt me.  To have this power. This is what I need to remember in getting over this,  and that is that this whole sinerio with him really has no reality at all. Its all about what he has to do in order to live with himself.,,and the truth is at this point in time,  there's no one there, just a very sick sick little boy.          

[goingtostopthis]

I guess to conclude this is that I think this guy is emotionally sadistic.  It was hiding underneath him the whole time we were involved with each other.  He keeps wierd mastocistic things under his bed, and in his bottom drawer,  things that shocked me and caused me to pretend it wasnt there.  Maybe there is no connection, maybe there is.  Whats that hook doing on your ceiling darling?  Oh its for a plant I had once...   there were two of them there.   You know,, maybe no connection here,  maybe he just likes his toys, what ever... . I think hes masocistic to himself  and he wants to be this way to me as well.  He has been, what am I talking about on a pure emotional level.  He wants this pain on himself and he wants me in on it too.   I feel like hes like this condemer and hes leading me to the gilateen to have my head chopped  off,  and oohhhh its such a sorowful day... . I must go... .    take care and watch those earthquakes,   good bye   god bye,   put your head down now,  you must accept, the bladde is coming down,  oh sweeet death... .     Ive got a drama King,  dont I ?  (  :   

[fromheeltoheal]

Whew!  You're caught up in it going, and the very best thing you can do right now is have no communication with him in any way.  And breathe.  And block emails, texts, whatever you have to do to NOT hear from him.  Reading your posts gave me a flashback to the crazy I was in at the end; I literally thought I was going insane and had to bail immediately.  It was like being electrocuted; you just throw yourself away from it any way you can, not caring where you go, as long as it's away.

And breathe.

Have you read the articles on this site?  This one especially might help: https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm

also this one: https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

If you read those and connect with them, as I did, it can be very grounding, while it's being eye-opening.  You are still trying to think rationally and assign rational thoughts to him, which is definitely not the case if he is a BPD sufferer.  Hang in there and type lots, use us.  I found the strength to finally break free here.

[goingtostopthis]

Thank You from heal to heal,


                     yes,  Ive read most of those articles, very helpful,    the only thing I dont think my ex will forget me in two weeks.  I think he really truely has loved me but this was before he got triggered and flipped out. I dont think things will ever be the same again. I dont really have hopeful wishes that some day everything be back the way it was. I really dont have any hope for him at all.  Not after the way hes treated me, not after Ive seen his other side. Ill never be able to look at him as the way he was ever again and believe it. Theres no future for us and I believe hes made that choice because he wont get a job and be responsible for himself in any way. We could have stayed loving friends and very possibly could have seen each other again,  but right after he managed to renew his visa,  a big step for us,  the trouble started. I wonder if sunconsciously he sabotaged things because of feelings of inadequacy,not having the money or a plane ticket, afraid of flying, he had a tramatic flight accident in the air when he was young, everyone hit the ceiling.  I dont know,  dont care anymore.     

                        All I know now is that hes got this "Big Man" thing going for himself now where he likes to talk down to me, he tries to shame me, he hulmiliates me,      and kind of instructs me like a child who doesnt understand why her mommy isnt coming home kind of thing, its done in this dooming tone when he takes it upon himself to tell me its over. Like hes this big authoritarian now daddy figure.   Nothing like it was before, we were equals all the way down the line.  In fact he would insist upon this all the time. So you can see why Ive been in a kind of shock for the past 3 weeks.  Hes not the same person,  or he is but an exstension of that which he repressed.      hes a weak person of sorts and all ways has been, you know, somethings all ways aliling him,his back hurts, his knees hurt, he has a blinding heading again. etc. all ways something dismal happening to him.  It got tireing. If my foot hurt, his foot would hurt more, canceling out the attention I needed for my foot tranfering onto his foot. There could never be anything wrong with me that wasnt wrong with him that was more important some how.  Im glad I dont have to deal with that anymore.  or trying to help him solve his problems with advise of mine he would never take... . He's doomed... . that was his additude.  One time I got so tierd of his problems I told him he could allways go out side and eat leaves.  He would destitude him self with no food, gas, no money all the time.  I sent him money when I could. But dispite all this problem wise ,he wouldnt go out and get a job. The obvious solution.  I spoke to my mother who has worked with BPD's and she told me this is so typical of the way they are. It doesnt matter what you say to help them,  its not good enough, or it wont work, excuse after excuse after excuse.    This is how he is. I think being the victim in everything is how he got his attention.

           I think he obviously started feeling inadequate in the face of me, seeing himself as the loser he was obviously acting out for himself.    Im educated, Im a teacher, I own my own little horse farm, I drive  truck,  I have things... He doesnt have much of anything because he has no money. Why didnt he have any money, because he didnt want to work. He wanted to live off of state taxes. other people's money as far as Im concerned. He got a free apartment from the system he feeds off of.  Where is his self esteem as a man in a situation like this,  its in fantisy land.  He thinks he can survive selling mar. for a friend who once in a blue moon comes by. Then he hits the jack pot for a month or so,  then back to pulper land.  One time he had to call his dad over to bring him a roll of tiolet paper.   Thats living on nothing. I think its self punishment, or passive aggressive to involve all these people around you because you dont have any money. Bring them into your unsolvable problems, because thats what he did to me. All because he refused to get a job. and god know I treid to assertively yet lovelingly kick his ass out the door.  Nope,   he wouldnt do it.   I should have ended it then. No job, no future for us, thats what this spelled out, loud and clear.

                     I found out much later as his story slowly unfolded that he got the free apartment because he was diagnosed with depression after losing a job with a house placement he had to leave and was put on meds. He couldnt work.  This other job was obligated to give him a place to live. This is in England. Hes been smooching off this ever since.  hes under tremendous pressure every day just to survive,  but he wont go out and get a job.   What is that?  BPD?   looks that was to me.The last I heard he had debt collectors knocking on his door and he was all paranoid they were going to come in take his stuff.

                                 Oh I could go on with his positive attributes, he has them,  but Im the one whos getting help now.  I got charmed,feel in love and didnt want to let him go. I actually "was" helping him  alot. It was wonderful to see him happy and getting involved with his art. But I was ignoring what this was doing to me.  It was tiering me out something awsume.  I felt I had to all ways be there for him or... . or... . something bad might happen... . I wasnt sure what?   I know now!    I started seeing the signs in him and I didnt know what it was. Hed say real mean things to me out of the blue and act like it was normal.  Normal to tell me I look fat!  

                                         This sounds like a classic BPD guy doesnt it?  all I know is this all of a sudden talking down to me business says it all. This new authoritative arrogance and disrespect for me is the last of it. It just makes me see right through him, and allows me to see exactly what he 's doing. Its just been the biggest turn off ever,  and Im glad it feels this way to me. Its time to be turned off and turning away. I did good today because I didnt answer him and it felt good because I didnt want to for the first time.  He can go play act his big  man act somewhere else.  He isnt doing this to me anymore.   (  :       

                                                   

                                               ,

[fromheeltoheal]

Honestly not wanting to work and talking down to you doesn't necessarily sound like BPD to me.  As a refresher, the DSM traits are:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. This is called "splitting."

3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating).

5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.

6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness.

8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).

9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

We can't diagnose anyway, and the label doesn't really matter to us, the behaviors do.  Mine lied, cheated, stole, subjected me to emotional and physical abuse, binge ate, projected everything on me, lived in continuous chaos, changed her mood constantly, was immature, and had little idea how the world works, and after all of that, acted as if nothing happened and wanted lovey dovey.  Unacceptable.  Gotta go.  Stayed too long as it is.

[goingtostopthis]

I never said talking down to me was a Bpd trait,  its apart of the whole picture.  I don't mean to sound defensive but Ive been through enough.  Not getting a job is a part of the whole picture as well. I don't need the traits listed me at this point.   I know where to find them. I was looking at the whole picture to help myself detach from this man and be realistic.   I need support. This is why Im here. 

[fromheeltoheal]

I never said talking down to me was a Bpd trait,  its apart of the whole picture.  I don't mean to sound defensive but Ive been through enough.  Not getting a job is a part of the whole picture as well. I don't need the traits listed me at this point.   I know where to find them. I was looking at the whole picture to help myself detach from this man and be realistic.   I need support. This is why Im here. 

OK, no offense.  One of the things we need and usually weren't getting in the relationship was validation, so it's tempting to lump a lot of behaviors into a label like BPD because it makes them the crazy one and to be blamed, a natural response to the abuse we were subjected to, I get it.  And it's also important as we pick through the wreckage of a failed relationship to accurately get clear on what was ours and what was theirs, so we can own our part and heal and process.  Lots of other people are reading this thread too, and we help them by being accurate about the disorder.

That said, please know that the intent of my posts is to support everyone as we process, heal and grow together.  Take care of you!

[goingtostopthis]

No,   Ive been taking too much responsibility for what has been happening. He is the one who is blaming everything on ME! OK... . thank you ) :