She is playing games

[Allmessedup]

Bah!

6.5 weeks of no contact other than about exchanging items.

I was already feeling down today.  A low day but not awful.

I blocked her from fb. Don't follow her on Instagram.  But damn she just started following me on Pinterest.

I got the notification while I was reading here.  Got to see the profile picture that I freaking took pop up on the screen.

Why the hell did she decide to follow me all of a sudden. 

I don't do a whole lot on Pinterest right now.  I find I don't have the motivation for home improvement projects currently.  However perhaps that is what she is seeking to find out?

I almost always would delve into some massive project or another to keep from thinking before when we would recycle.

This time I am focusing on me and my kids.

She will be disappointed if that's what she is trying to see. I have pinned nothing except one quote about being gentle with oneself and one pin about building a garden bed for an upcoming project with my youngest.

Ugggghhh

I know I am reacting here.  I know trying to figure her motivation is futile.  But still it just threw me for a huge loop to be honest.

She is going to see nothing about me via Pinterest but still.

I really dobt need for this to be harder right now.

[ynguns2]

My friend I have been in your situation time and time again with my ex. these people cannot totally or fully understand their own lives let alone yours.

I advise you to continue the no contact and trust me I know it's hard because it has been six months and I still have feelings for my ex and I think it's more of why? did I stay so long and punish myself.

I believe what one user had told me on here. He said we as people have a caring side that we have had since birth and as humans we are nurturing individuals. People like your ex and mine have a caring side but something in them that is deep rooted has them questioning their own identity and if they cannot figure themselves out how can we right?

I would love to talk more God knows I have been through hell and back this year. I hope I was some help and please take my advice to heart for I am truly a caring person and want others not to suffer from what I had gone through.

[seeking balance]

I know I am reacting here.  I know trying to figure her motivation is futile.  But still it just threw me for a huge loop to be honest.

It's all new - of course it through you for a loop... . breathe - she cannot hurt you any more than this.

The thing is - most likely, she had an emotion (who knows what honestly) and for HER you are both a trigger and a soothing figure depending upon her mood.  Looking at you was not about  you - it was her self soothing.

In the same way you reacted by coming here (good job, healthy) she reacts to an intense emotion by finding you - not very healthy or kind (but heck, how many nons on here have been guilty of this too).

In today's online world, this stuff happens - and we may feel scared/fear, but that fear is not real, it is residual stuff to process.

Hang in there,

SB

[Allmessedup]

Thank you both for ur replies.

I was just blindsided by seeing her.  Her picture she uses is one I took at the beginning of our relationship.  It was like seeing it opened the flood gates to memories of happier times.  And that hurts like crazy. 

I also find myself very much feeling like I do not want her to know anything about me right now.  I am feeling very private and that that privacy has been violated.

Part of me is still very vengeful.  I could easily send hidden messages in the forms of quotes and such by pinning to my Pinterest feed.  I am angrier than I thought I was.

I also miss her way more than I thought I did.

Your right, sb. She had her own self soothing reasons for deciding to all of a sudden to follow me again.  I need to focus on my reaction to that.

I feel almost like I am paranoid here.  That she is spying on me for some reason.  I am just anxious about it in a way I can't explain.  More FOG I suppose.

I thought I was doing so much better.  But she still possesses a huge deal of power over me and I despise that.

It is going to be a long night... .

[seeking balance]

I hope you know everything you feel based on the circumstances is pretty normal for around here  - of course you are angry, of course you feel violated, of course you may want to lash out and hurt the person who hurt you ... . this is all very reasonable emotions.

Anger is truly a mask (protection if you will) for the pain.  By leaning into it, we can peel another layer of that pain away - let the tears fall, this can help you process this in a healthy way. 

,

SB

[Allmessedup]

Wise words sb

The anger is a mask for the pain I am feeling.  Sigh

It is a reaction... . a response.  And I am the only one who controls my emotions.

She didn't "make" me feel this way.  She doesn't own my emotions.  I need to feel them and let them go

I needed that reminder... .

Thank u