Heard exBPD is dating and i am hurting a lot.

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I know I sound like a broken record but I found out my ex has met a new guy. I am sad because i had devoted a lot of time and energy in that relationship which was a complete failure.

I am a good man and did not deserve to be treated the way i was by her. I always found myself apologizing to her even though I was not wrong. I was recycled every 3 weeks and after the constant on and offs I became used to it and it was a part of my life.

I have met a wonderful new woman and we are having our first child and I am scared to death. I should have not took my friend up when he set us up on a blind date but we hit it off great and she really is super sweet to me and loves my dog and my family too.

I know my ex was bad for me and why I stayed so long is what is eating me up inside. She was always talking about guys she had slept with and how she can never be alone in life. i found it hard to please her because she wanted high end gifts and I just could not afford them.

She and I started off so damn good and I was so hopeful and excited but about 2 months of dating the real truth came out. She still worked with her ex who is a doctor and I think she still loved him especially with all the getting past your breakup books in her house.

She was on anti depressants and I could see she was very irritable a lot and never happy. She was 35 y/o and had nothing to offer, she was broke and had school loans and credit card bills up the gazoo. She had a loser 32 y/o brother who lived at home to "so call" take care of her elderly Serbian mom because she could not speak english or read and write neither language. She payed his bills and said he is a good kid and is in college and is going to be a cop.

I tried everything and then this past July she made an appointment to see a relationship counselor and this was her second go at counseling as she did with her ex as well as me. She was online and on Match.com where we had met and talking to another guy when we went to the therapy session.

She tells doctor" I love Jim" and then 2 days later goes on a date with fatso she had met online. I was at the firehouse when she did it too and that was so so stressful. i confronted her about him and she said she does not love me and then changed her #.

Two weeks later she calls from a blocked number and said she loves me and made a mistake and like a fool i took her back. We got a long for the next 2 weeks then her true colors came out when we went on a trip from Chicago to Pittsburgh to see the Cardinals play the Pirates.

She wanted to drive because she was always afraid I would leave her on the side of the road and don't know why either? We got in City and she was mad because of a traffic jam and then even madder when i asked a guy to please move car up.

She refused to talk to me that night and the following day she wanted to go home so i got in car and got to Ohio state line when she said ok lets go to the game. We turned around got to game and she was mad again? I said what did I do to you? she ignored me whole game and then we left and she dropped me off in the City and I had to take rent a car back to Chicago.

The following week she filed a restraining order on me and I was advised to do the same by my lawyer. We got to court the judge told her she is wrong dropped the order and I dropped mine as well but gave us a no contact order and I to this day am sick over this trauma she had caused.

I am not usually the jealous type butt I cannot get her out of my mind and I see a therapist who said she was nuts and had an illness.

i need advice why do I try and look for things to upset me about her and do you think she has any remorse. The order is over in march and I am afraid she will contact me again and I will be too weak to ignore her.

[ynguns2]

I know I sound like a broken record but I found out my ex has met a new guy. I am sad because i had devoted a lot of time and energy in that relationship which was a complete failure.

I am a good man and did not deserve to be treated the way i was by her. I always found myself apologizing to her even though I was not wrong. I was recycled every 3 weeks and after the constant on and offs I became used to it and it was a part of my life.

I have met a wonderful new woman and we are having our first child and I am scared to death. I should have not took my friend up when he set us up on a blind date but we hit it off great and she really is super sweet to me and loves my dog and my family too.

I know my ex was bad for me and why I stayed so long is what is eating me up inside. She was always talking about guys she had slept with and how she can never be alone in life. i found it hard to please her because she wanted high end gifts and I just could not afford them.

She and I started off so damn good and I was so hopeful and excited but about 2 months of dating the real truth came out. She still worked with her ex who is a doctor and I think she still loved him especially with all the getting past your breakup books in her house.

She was on anti depressants and I could see she was very irritable a lot and never happy. She was 35 y/o and had nothing to offer, she was broke and had school loans and credit card bills up the gazoo. She had a loser 32 y/o brother who lived at home to "so call" take care of her elderly Serbian mom because she could not speak english or read and write neither language. She payed his bills and said he is a good kid and is in college and is going to be a cop.

I tried everything and then this past July she made an appointment to see a relationship counselor and this was her second go at counseling as she did with her ex as well as me. She was online and on Match.com where we had met and talking to another guy when we went to the therapy session.

She tells doctor" I love Jim" and then 2 days later goes on a date with fatso she had met online. I was at the firehouse when she did it too and that was so so stressful. i confronted her about him and she said she does not love me and then changed her #.

Two weeks later she calls from a blocked number and said she loves me and made a mistake and like a fool i took her back. We got a long for the next 2 weeks then her true colors came out when we went on a trip from Chicago to Pittsburgh to see the Cardinals play the Pirates.

She wanted to drive because she was always afraid I would leave her on the side of the road and don't know why either? We got in City and she was mad because of a traffic jam and then even madder when i asked a guy to please move car up.

She refused to talk to me that night and the following day she wanted to go home so i got in car and got to Ohio state line when she said ok lets go to the game. We turned around got to game and she was mad again? I said what did I do to you? she ignored me whole game and then we left and she dropped me off in the City and I had to take rent a car back to Chicago.

The following week she filed a restraining order on me and I was advised to do the same by my lawyer. We got to court the judge told her she is wrong dropped the order and I dropped mine as well but gave us a no contact order and I to this day am sick over this trauma she had caused.

I am not usually the jealous type butt I cannot get her out of my mind and I see a therapist who said she was nuts and had an illness.

i need advice why do I try and look for things to upset me about her and do you think she has any remorse. The order is over in march and I am afraid she will contact me again and I will be too weak to ignore her.

[growing_wings]

Hi ynguns2

I am sorry to hear you are hurting a lot. Although i cant feel your pain, I can share that when my ex found a "substitute" for me, i was hurting too.  It hurts, is hard to take. Is not about sounding like a broken record, this is OK, healing takes time. So be patient with yourself. Be compassionate. You might choose to see your relationship as a "total failure", but you can learn from it.

You have two options:

1. You keep living her life. I know i did, i kept looking on what was she doing, etc.

2. You focus on living your life. You learn from the experience you had with her.

I opted for option 2. It has not been easy, but i needed to do it. I put the focus on myself, i tried to understand what why i was keep wanting her back. WHen i met her, the r/s was amazing, she seemed to meet my needs, i was comforted and i felt i was being "nurtured" by her. My world became her. She then took control of my life in many ways, she withdrew those caring behaviors that kept me hooked to her. She controlled me, and i let that happen happily. I lost myself in the process.

Now, one way i see my detaching process from her is: I want to take the control back of my life. but for that to happen, i needed to trust that i can find comfort by myself, self soothe, and feel like i dont need anyone to take control of my life.

Some days are easier than others. I am learning to feel those emotions without judgement... .

Working with a therapist has helped me a lot.

What do you think you can learn about yourself from this relationship?

[ogopogodude]

You write from your heart. You seem to be a man of your word as well as a person that has empathy for others. But you have had a relationship with a loser.

This woman that 'was' a part of  your life is a narcissist judging from your description of her and her behaviour.  It seems like you want a meaningful relationship and you will not likely ever have one with this lady.

You have goals and ambitions and they will never (likely) get achieved with this person in your life. Don't be an enabler nor a rescuer. (I was a E and an R, myself).

Move on. Don't think about her at all. This is the approach I have taken. It works. The downside of this approach is that there will be times of loneliness and wanting to contact your ex.  ... . but just don't.

[ynguns2]

growing_wings I appreciate your help and hearing me out. i cannot grasp the fact that she was a terrible person who lacked any values in which I wanted.

I have learned a lot and I do see my therapist. I started seeing him almost 3 months after i started to date this woman in 2012. he has helped me to start looking at why i stayed so long when this relationship was hurtful and seemed to be going nowhere.

I have learned that I cannot ignore red flags when they are in front of my face and that nobody should treat me like garbage and me stay and take it. I was no angel for sure but she was always breaking up with me over everything and anything. Most of the breakups were because of trivial things too which I do not understand at all.

I tried so hard and every trip I planned for us just made her mad when we got to the destination and she would complain about it the whole time. I remember we went to Milwaukee and she was upset because there were dogs in the hotel and stated she hates dogs. i said to her this is a beautiful place and she said so what and we ended up leaving that same day and driving back to Chicago.

I have met a new woman who is sweet ad beautiful, but I am so damn tied up on focusing on what my ex is doing or if she is dating and I cannot do this to myself no more. I want to break free from her and rid my mind of this evil woman now and forever.

She cheated on me after we went to therapy and I remember I was so upset and yet I took her back and do not understand why? I was a strong person before and happy too. it's amazing how somebody can destroy you in such a way that you lose your identity.

The restraining order was the final blow and leaving me in Pittsburgh was pathetic I would never do such a hurtful thing. I remember we had been doing so good prior to trip and that day she called in morning saying she had anxiety about going because we argued every other trip before. it was like she had a negative aspect going that day and I suffered the price.

I just want her out of my mind and life for good she had met another guy online and I am sure she will be the same to him. My therapist said people like her seldom change and hopefully this fool will realize before too late.


Thank you soo much.


   Jim

[growing_wings]

I have met a new woman who is sweet ad beautiful, but I am so damn tied up on focusing on what my ex is doing or if she is dating and I cannot do this to myself no more. I want to break free from her and rid my mind of this evil woman now and forever.

wow ynguns2, you have learnt a lot! you have yourself. Yes, i agree, it is amazing how someone can seem to destroy you so much that our identity "seems" lost. But it is also amazing to see how that same person can build him/herself back up. and that is what you have done. 

now, take the final step. Stop focusing on what she is doing... let it go. Seeking balance posted something related to Radical Acceptance.

The way my T told me: i might not forget my ex for the rest of my life, she might be a memory for me. However, i can make that memory harmless, that memory is just a memory and cant affect my life... .

so dont be too harsh on yourself.

let her go... for good. Focus on your new stable r/s. (I hope i can do that when is my turn!  )    

[ynguns2]

Thanks so much for your support. I am at the firehouse and I sometimes have too much downtime which leads me to think about things too much.

My therapist told me last year When he asked me what would make me happy in a relationship? I said I wanted to be a fathervand get married and be in love. He then said its one year later and look at you now I have my wish but yet I focus on a loser who destroys people and that I should pray for her because she needs it. She took anti depressants but yet said she was fine and had no problems right?  I like how he put that in perspective. He also said I was the second guy she went o therapy with and why do you think that is?  I said good point and why wouldnt her ex marry her after 5 years right?  I see the pattern wow I feel better every minute here and thanks to you and everyone on here.

[growing_wings]

My therapist told me last year When he asked me what would make me happy in a relationship? I said I wanted to be a fathervand get married and be in love. He then said its one year later and look at you now I have my wish but yet I focus on a loser who destroys people and that I should pray for her because she needs it.

your story helps me too

lets forget about a person who is no longer in our lives, and pray indeed for her, because she needs it.

as for us... lets move on

[ynguns2]

I am trying my hardest my friend and I need to really stop thinking about her all together

She is a compete loser and broke as well. I laughed when the reason she could not leave the first daywe went on the trip was because she was broke $0 in her funds and he could not use her credit card cuz it was maxed out.

I think we dodged a bullet and hope others on here never have to go though the pain we did.


Jim

[buddy1226]

I feel ya man. Every day is a struggle for me. I love my ex very much and what could have/should have been. I loved her child very much and am so upset that she just jerked him out of my life like she did. She is cold and mean.

But you and I need to know that they will never, ever get better. Our lives will be a living hell if we go back. I find myself in a place that I never thought imaginable. She destroyed me. Yours will too. It is the subconscious goal of their disorder to destroy us and cause pain. There is no figuring it out or working around it. I had read up on BPD extensively before my last recycle and got my nuts handed to me. I'm a shell of the person I was before her and even of the person before the last recycle.

This sux. It sux that the situation is so unfortunate and beyond repair. Your ex will not be happy with your replacement. The same thing will happen to the next as will mine. Nothing hurts like this, I know. But one day at a time we can heal. You can maintain NC and get through today, can't you? Thats all we ever have to do. Today.

[ynguns2]

Yes Buddy I can get through today and so can you my friend. I tjink God has a special place for us when we go after dealing with this.

I have moved on and she is awesome in fact everything I wanted in a woman but I am not used to not arguing or being recycled and I think I suffer from PTSD after this and you may be too.

My therapist said it takes time and that one day you will be like whoa I dont need her snymore and thats because of natural anti trauma receptors he stated.

I do not even know why I loved her she treated me terrible. I think it was the thrill of the chase or something? 

Email me anytime I am here for you too. Thank you buddy.

[Tausk]

Hey YG and Bud: 

Hang in there.  I'm feeling for you.  I wish I could take some of your pain.  If you want you can send some to me.  I'm doing pretty well and it feels unfamiliar to be free of some much of it. 

And you will get to where I am.  You're doing much better than I was when I left my ex.  You have so much more insight and resources and honesty and willingness... .

Take it moment by moment.  It's trauma bond, it's PTSD, it's FOO issues, it's more... . but by being on the board and seeing a T, and doing the work, I promise you guys will be at a place where you could not have even imagined.

But for today, lean into the pain if you can.  And know that you're not alone.  I don't know the specifics of your pain, but I understand it.  And in fact, if you weren't feeling like crap after a break up with a pwBPD, then you'd be a pwNPD or a sociopath.  The fact that we feeling so much is evidence of the depth of our hearts and our capacity to care.  It's a good thing when directed in the proper direction.

Find hope and cling to it.  It will buoy us to freedom if we let it.

[Chunk Palumbo]

I lived this six times. Once when she cheated, and five times post-split. Even though I had other women in my life, each new boyfriend she hopped onto was like a fresh wound on my heart. It was the worst experience of my life, if I'm frank. And together with her hot/cold-push/pull manipulative games, it was the absolute worst burrowing sensation of emotional anguish and turmoil I've ever felt. That's over that span of years here.

Every time I began to walk, she'd want to see me or would repeatedly contact me. It was insanity. I'm surprised I didn't end up in a rubber-room. If I can make it, you certainly can.

[ynguns2]

Thanks to you all. I real cannot tell you how much your words have had n impact on me. I am having a great day today despite freezing weather.

I hear your pain on going through the process 6 times because I have been there and I think these pwBPD manipulate you in such a way that you feel that you are not alive unless with them.

I remember waiting by the freaking phone and guys I work with would say " what's your deal Jim?" i was always the strong one and let my guard down but my mind was still sane enough to tell me otherwise.

You all are great!