Validating when you feel attacked

[Depression = 72% of members]

Does anyone have any tips to stay validating when your being treated poorly by someone with BPD? Even though I know what she needs it's near impossible to stay calm and validating. I tried a quick trip to the store last night when I was attacked emotionally and verbally, but that set off a major episode which resulted in wrist cutting and banging her head on wall until she passed out. I can't physically touch her when she has an episode because she will hit and attack me. Thus I have to let her engage in self destructive behaviors or it will get worse. It is so painful to see a loved one doing these things that I become very distant emotionally while she is doing it which in turn makes her feel even worse. I try to stay in the room to make sure she doesn't cut too deep or hurt our 3 month old daughter. I know most of you would say to call 911, but she has had a horrible experience being kept in the hospital against her will before I knew her. I feel it would severely degrade our trust and relationship if I called them. It's as though she knows I won't call them and uses self destructive behavior to show me how much she hurts. I'm tired and feel very lost.

[TheBrokenReplay]

Does anyone have any tips to stay validating when your being treated poorly by someone with BPD? Even though I know what she needs it's near impossible to stay calm and validating. I tried a quick trip to the store last night when I was attacked emotionally and verbally, but that set off a major episode which resulted in wrist cutting and banging her head on wall until she passed out. I can't physically touch her when she has an episode because she will hit and attack me. Thus I have to let her engage in self destructive behaviors or it will get worse. It is so painful to see a loved one doing these things that I become very distant emotionally while she is doing it which in turn makes her feel even worse. I try to stay in the room to make sure she doesn't cut too deep or hurt our 3 month old daughter. I know most of you would say to call 911, but she has had a horrible experience being kept in the hospital against her will before I knew her. I feel it would severely degrade our trust and relationship if I called them. It's as though she knows I won't call them and uses self destructive behavior to show me how much she hurts. I'm tired and feel very lost.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[SoWhat]

This is certainly one of the more difficult things to do; it sometimes feels nearly impossible for me, and my pwBPD isn't nearly as reactive as yours.

All I can say is what I try to do: look her squarely in the eyes and say "I love you. I know you're upset, but I love you when you're upset too." Given your post, this won't slow her down much, but just maybe she'll remember it later?

To me, your situation sounds terrifying. I would be very tempted to think about permanently removing myself at that point. However, that's obviously much easier said on the outside looking in

[TheBrokenReplay]

She tells me that those moments when she is ragging and hurting the most are the moments she needs me most. It's very volatile, I wish I had a way to keep things safe and let her rage or something.

[an0ught]

Hi TheBrokenReplay,

Does anyone have any tips to stay validating when your being treated poorly by someone with BPD? Even though I know what she needs it's near impossible to stay calm and validating. I tried a quick trip to the store last night when I was attacked emotionally and verbally, but that set off a major episode which resulted in wrist cutting and banging her head on wall until she passed out. I can't physically touch her when she has an episode because she will hit and attack me. Thus I have to let her engage in self destructive behaviors or it will get worse. It is so painful to see a loved one doing these things that I become very distant emotionally while she is doing it which in turn makes her feel even worse. I try to stay in the room to make sure she doesn't cut too deep or hurt our 3 month old daughter. I know most of you would say to call 911, but she has had a horrible experience being kept in the hospital against her will before I knew her. I feel it would severely degrade our trust and relationship if I called them. It's as though she knows I won't call them and uses self destructive behavior to show me how much she hurts. I'm tired and feel very lost.

wow, that sounds like a really bad extinction burst  . She seems getting so angry that it is impossible to stay and then too dangerous to leave alone with a young child as well. If someone hits their head against the wall so one passes out that may be on a level where you may want to consider reaching out for help. It also may be worth taking precautions to be able to manage false DV charges better in case she suddenly goes down that route.

When she is getting angry there is only so much you can do to validate - become louder yourself, express key validating emotions move visibly etc... Once a certain threshold is reached you can't validate someone who is dysregulated. You may only manage the situation using boundaries and protect yourself and what is important to you.

I can't physically touch her when she has an episode because she will hit and attack me.

Then leave her alone. Boundaries - YOU CAN NOT FIX HER. She needs to fix herself - you can't help her anymore. Trying to control her anger is invalidating and feeds it.

The following links may help:

 Safety first

 How to take a timeout

Getting validation right in such situation where we would need to project strong negative emotions to be on a level with the pwBPD is very hard for most of us. And if we don't reach the sufficient negativity and loudness in our expressions we invalidate and make matters worse. Getting through these tense situations (similar to being in a car) requires paying close attention to what we do with respect to whether it is invalidating. Avoid one invalidation is worth many validations... .

[tenseintn]

I've been dealing with an undiagnosed BPD significant other for almost 3 years.  As I said in my introductory post... . it's been extremely volatile... . on again/off again almost weekly.  In fact, he's never even committed to me, saying that he's "undateable."  But, he always comes back to me, telling me that he loves me and it's just a bad time, or some such excuse.

We recently reconnected after a 6-month break in communication.  I've been working on my own emotional health and trying to implement some of the things that I've learned on this site about BPD in dealing with him.  For a few months, it was relatively successful.  Our arguments were more civil and less frequent.  When he asked me for a break, I gave it to him instead of trying to cling.  On Valentine's Day, he surprised me by picking me up for a date and it was absolutely wonderful.  He told me how much he loves me repeatedly.  I woke up in his bed.  He was loving and gentle.

The very next day, he sent me a cruel, spiteful text message, which has always been our pattern.  It happened again a few days later.  He apologized and we reconciled.  Then, he did it yet again.  After the third one in a week, I lost it.  Full disclosure... . I'd been drinking.  I went to his house unannounced to confront him, which he hates, and found him with another woman.  He refused to talk to me and slammed the door in my face.

After this episode, I told him that I was done.  I was so emotional and frustrated, and it felt like everything I'd learned just went out the window.  I can deal with a lot of things, but I am so tired of him building me up and then tearing me down with outright, unprovoked cruelty.  And my question is... . is that part of the disorder?  Or is that something that's part of his personality?  It seems that he enjoys doing this to me.  Do I just need to get away from it?  Push and pull is one thing.  But it feels like he is purposely trying to destroy me.  And I don't understand it.

I love him.  I've always chalked his behavior up to his alcoholism, and then his BPD.  I just don't know what to do.  After I set boundaries or stand up for myself, I end up feeling guilty.  Like it's my fault. 

Help.  Thanks.

[tenseintn]

Also... . it's hard to know what to do after I've handled something incorrectly.  I'm not sure that I really want to leave him.  That was said in anger.  But it probably makes him feel abandoned which is not what I want to do.  But, he's already threatened legal action again if I contact him... . which is almost certainly an idle threat.

So, what do you do when you screw up?  Wait for them to come back to you, or try to fix it?