Hi TheBrokenReplay,
Does anyone have any tips to stay validating when your being treated poorly by someone with BPD? Even though I know what she needs it's near impossible to stay calm and validating. I tried a quick trip to the store last night when I was attacked emotionally and verbally, but that set off a major episode which resulted in wrist cutting and banging her head on wall until she passed out. I can't physically touch her when she has an episode because she will hit and attack me. Thus I have to let her engage in self destructive behaviors or it will get worse. It is so painful to see a loved one doing these things that I become very distant emotionally while she is doing it which in turn makes her feel even worse. I try to stay in the room to make sure she doesn't cut too deep or hurt our 3 month old daughter. I know most of you would say to call 911, but she has had a horrible experience being kept in the hospital against her will before I knew her. I feel it would severely degrade our trust and relationship if I called them. It's as though she knows I won't call them and uses self destructive behavior to show me how much she hurts. I'm tired and feel very lost.
wow, that sounds like a really bad extinction burst . She seems getting so angry that it is impossible to stay and then too dangerous to leave alone with a young child as well. If someone hits their head against the wall so one passes out that may be on a level where you may want to consider reaching out for help. It also may be worth taking precautions to be able to manage false DV charges better in case she suddenly goes down that route.
When she is getting angry there is only so much you can do to validate - become louder yourself, express key validating emotions move visibly etc... Once a certain threshold is reached you can't validate someone who is dysregulated. You may only manage the situation using boundaries and protect yourself and what is important to you.
I can't physically touch her when she has an episode because she will hit and attack me.
Then leave her alone. Boundaries - YOU CAN NOT FIX HER. She needs to fix herself - you can't help her anymore. Trying to control her anger is invalidating and feeds it.
The following links may help:
Safety first How to take a timeout Getting validation right in such situation where we would need to project strong negative emotions to be on a level with the pwBPD is very hard for most of us. And if we don't reach the sufficient negativity and loudness in our expressions we invalidate and make matters worse. Getting through these tense situations (similar to being in a car) requires paying close attention to what we do with respect to whether it is invalidating. Avoid one invalidation is worth many validations... .
