Detachment level good - Replacement at stbxw's place today

[A Dad]

I haven't posted in a while. Been crazy busy looking after my boys after my stbxw moved out. She visits them three times a week at my place.

Today I found out that the guy she was having an affair with (stopped as far as I know after my finding out) is at her place. It is just across the road so wasn't hard to find out. This doesn't really change anything, we had already decided and agreed to divorce. I feel it does validate my decision to not try again with her.

Didn't faze me much. Had to stop and have a smoke when I found out. After that I carried on to the gym as I had planned. His car was still there when I was coming back. I guess he is staying the night then. I was happy to come home to my two boys. Luckily the babysitter had managed to get both of them to sleep. Had coffee and chatted with her a bit, got a few things ready for my son's visit for a health check tomorrow, chatted with my stbxw's sister for a bit - we are on good terms, she was really concerned about the kids last year and helped us a lot, and now I am ready for bed. So I guess that counts as a pretty healthy level of detachment

I am also starting therapy for myself and one of the surprising results from the psych test I did was that apparently I have a lot of anger inside me, but I don't express it. Today got me thinking why I am not feeling angry at this... I think that is for two reasons - One, I had already given up on a relationship with my ex whether or not she hooked up with someone else, and second is that I know what is in store for my replacement. In heaven for 3 - 6 months, than cracks start to appear and then in hell.

Now if I really let myself think about them together, I would get angry. They have waited months for this, I have no doubt there clothes were off within fifteen minutes of being in there, but I don't let myself go there. I focus on my new life and that of my children. In fact, I had come to the conclusion that perhaps the best thing for my ex would be to end up with that guy. Two reasons - One, it will keep her stable and she won't go fooling around (better for my children), Two, it won't destroy some other poor guy's life and this ass deserves it for getting involved with a married woman (and perhaps now cheating on his new girlfriend unless they have broken up).

To me, it seems that I am not angry because I have reached this level of understanding but the psych test seems to show that I might be repressing the anger or just not know how to express anger. Perhaps this is for me to find out on the PI board and my therapy.

Good night all. Peace.

[drxap]

Have you ever felt really angry about everything she did?

[A Dad]

There were moments of anger... usually lasting less than an hour... but never the "want to punch walls" kind of anger as far as I can remember.

The first few months were lost in FOG. For a while, I actually believed that it was my fault, that I had driven her to have an affair. But that was also while she hadn't fully disclosed the extent of her affair. Then the devaluation began, and I was really lost. I don't think I was that angry yet... I was just broken and empty

Then as I came out of it, I started working out at the gym a lot and that is where I put my anger as it emerged. I'd listen to angry music on the way to the gym, put that anger in the workout and that will get me through another day.

There was only one time I really let her know my anger. I have described it in one of my previous posts. I was really provoked that day. I told her how she had broken my heart, broken me. How with a four year old autistic son who does not speak, and with my younger baby boy just starting to talk, this should have been the best time of my life... I had waited so long to hear my child talk to me... and that she took it away. Until that time, I had never really said in words how hurt I was... I had always been thinking that she hurts more on the inside than I do (I had found out about BPD by this time), and so I had all that time tried to be as gentle with her as I could. I didn't yell at her, but when she tried to justify herself, I started hitting the wall with a plastic bottle (nothing dangerous but probably looked scary) and then started throwing some of the things out from my side of the wardrobe (again nothing dangerous just clothes and stuff like that). I didn't raise my voice but was growling at her to "just shut the hit up" and to "not touch me". The kids were sleeping the next room, they didn't hear anything. After a while I stopped growling at her and started crying.

She went a little numb for the next couple of days and then asked for a divorce.

So that day was the extant of my anger.

[A Dad]

Yesterday I thought I wasn't feeling anger, but today I can feel it bubbling just under the surface.

Last night as was going to sleep my thoughts started to turn towards her being with the other guy, but I quickly put a stop to that and just kept on telling myself that she is not my wife... the woman I thought I was marrying is long gone or possibly never existed.

The morning was busy. I saw that the other guy's car was still there when I was taking my son to school. I just made a note of it, no emotional reaction. Later in the afternoon, I was trying to take a nap but kept ruminating. Haven't done that in a while. I normally don't think about her much.

This evening she is at my home for her visit with the kids and acting all normal. Kept trying to talk to me, offering me dinner which I refused as I always do. It is oh so hard grrr... can't wait for her to have a proper apartment and learn to drive so she can just take the kids to her place for her time with them.

[A Dad]

Just wanted to update this to finish it off.

Over the next couple of days, the anger finally came out. Like always, I did not take it out on her or anyone else. But instead of shoving it aside, I honoured those feelings.

Removed her as a FaceBook friend. Messaged all mutual friends to briefly let them know that we are separated. Can't have anyone thinking she is still my wife when she has another man in her bed. Screw that!

Called a divorce lawyer and set the ball rolling. The anger cooled off after a few days to the point that I could stand to be within 10 feet of her, but I have reached a new level of detachment.

Also I have been reading the Mars and Venus Starting Over book which talks about how to properly grieve the end of a relationship and I think I am slowly inching towards healing my heart. Yesterday my Apple TV started playing old pictures as a screensaver, I mostly felt some sadness as many of the photos were with our children or the birth and first few months of our younger son. The sadness was mostly for the loss of the family I thought I was going to have. But this should probably be a new thread

[guitargrl]

Wow….sounds like you are doing an excellent job at both detaching and raising your sons!