How to talk to my spouse (pwBPD?)

[Depression = 72% of members]

My wife has been cold and and very short with me the last 2 weeks. Luckily I have been very busy with work and out of town at times. This seams to be the crux of her problem with me. She hates that I work so much (2 jobs), but we have a baby on the way and a lot of bills. I have never been able to get her to sacrifice or accept less, e.g., attention or time in order to make do.  I am constantly blamed for and held responsible for her behavior towards me, simply because I am not available as much as she wants.  I feel very guilty and trapped.

So today after 2 weeks of short sentence conversations I sent her a text outlining my concerns and requesting a talk with a 3rd party in order to mediate. Every time we try and talk it goes badly. She invariably recounts things or describes them out of context and if I have ever try to take up for myself or defend against her wrongful characterizations I am met with fury.  The text was very simple and nice. I even made sure to explain at the end if she reread the message she would see there was no malice. Yet I received a phone call and she was very angry that I pointed out the reasons why we needed a 3rd party to help, e.g., hit me, screamed, kicked me out.

It seems I never can get her to talk to me without a very bad attitude. It's as if I am an enemy.  We really need to talk about getting prepared for the baby and if we need a bigger place, but when she reacts this hatefully and disrespectfully we can't accomplish anything.  I offered to go to her therapist or trustworthy family/friend and she refuses to even acknowledge the question. It seems as if she has deemed me as having the problems and I am the reason we can't talk or get along. 

One thing she says often is: "When are we going to talk? All you ever do is work!" or "We can never move ahead if you constantly hold on the past. You accuse me of going crazy, but you do the same things!"

The reason I quote her is bc I have yelled before and punched a door; however it was before I knew what I was dealing with. There is no excuse for my behavior, but events have a context and I am not sure many people could just sit there and let someone say and do the things she did to get a reaction out of me. I know now from the book "Eggshells" and reading on here that those are typical reactions for the non-BPD. I have also, very recently, just before coming here, said to her that she "needed serious help for her behavior and speech to me." This has caused her to pull completely away from me and now try and rearrange the past events and present to incriminate me.

I was getting very exhausted, but I did not react the way I used to thanks to this web site and the workshops. I let her go on and on until she hung up on me. When she got home I told her I loved her and I hope she felt better. But to be honest, I can see how our relationship can improve. When I met her she had her ex in her cross-hairs and now I can see where I have taken that place. I am not certain that this will improve by the time the baby arrives (5 months.) I can't leave my pregnant wife or her with an infant, but this is so sad. Our lines of communication are deceased and if they are resurrected its not a loving tone ever and she doesn't trust me. 

Any suggestions on how to approach her and get a sit down to decide on some important things. I am not trying to hash out the past quarrels I simply need to talk about future safely. 

[danadane]

My wife has been cold and and very short with me the last 2 weeks. Luckily I have been very busy with work and out of town at times. This seams to be the crux of her problem with me. She hates that I work so much (2 jobs), but we have a baby on the way and a lot of bills. I have never been able to get her to sacrifice or accept less, e.g., attention or time in order to make do.  I am constantly blamed for and held responsible for her behavior towards me, simply because I am not available as much as she wants.  I feel very guilty and trapped.

So today after 2 weeks of short sentence conversations I sent her a text outlining my concerns and requesting a talk with a 3rd party in order to mediate. Every time we try and talk it goes badly. She invariably recounts things or describes them out of context and if I have ever try to take up for myself or defend against her wrongful characterizations I am met with fury.  The text was very simple and nice. I even made sure to explain at the end if she reread the message she would see there was no malice. Yet I received a phone call and she was very angry that I pointed out the reasons why we needed a 3rd party to help, e.g., hit me, screamed, kicked me out.

It seems I never can get her to talk to me without a very bad attitude. It's as if I am an enemy.  We really need to talk about getting prepared for the baby and if we need a bigger place, but when she reacts this hatefully and disrespectfully we can't accomplish anything.  I offered to go to her therapist or trustworthy family/friend and she refuses to even acknowledge the question. It seems as if she has deemed me as having the problems and I am the reason we can't talk or get along. 

One thing she says often is: "When are we going to talk? All you ever do is work!" or "We can never move ahead if you constantly hold on the past. You accuse me of going crazy, but you do the same things!"

The reason I quote her is bc I have yelled before and punched a door; however it was before I knew what I was dealing with. There is no excuse for my behavior, but events have a context and I am not sure many people could just sit there and let someone say and do the things she did to get a reaction out of me. I know now from the book "Eggshells" and reading on here that those are typical reactions for the non-BPD. I have also, very recently, just before coming here, said to her that she "needed serious help for her behavior and speech to me." This has caused her to pull completely away from me and now try and rearrange the past events and present to incriminate me.

I was getting very exhausted, but I did not react the way I used to thanks to this web site and the workshops. I let her go on and on until she hung up on me. When she got home I told her I loved her and I hope she felt better. But to be honest, I can see how our relationship can improve. When I met her she had her ex in her cross-hairs and now I can see where I have taken that place. I am not certain that this will improve by the time the baby arrives (5 months.) I can't leave my pregnant wife or her with an infant, but this is so sad. Our lines of communication are deceased and if they are resurrected its not a loving tone ever and she doesn't trust me. 

Any suggestions on how to approach her and get a sit down to decide on some important things. I am not trying to hash out the past quarrels I simply need to talk about future safely. 

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[an0ught]

Hi danadane,

Validation, validation and validation. First and foremost active listening is needed. Possibly during a sit-down but most likely on a continuing basis. Then for telling her anything review SET. But again - first a lot more listing.

One thing she says often is: "When are we going to talk? All you ever do is work!" or "We can never move ahead if you constantly hold on the past. You accuse me of going crazy, but you do the same things!"

Validation:

 - seeing relationship problems, anger on both sides

 - getting impatient

 - past is hanging over us

 - not being listened to

Keep in mind - none of this can be solved quickly or need to be solved right now. It just needs to be understood by you, she needs to get a sense that you heard it and it needs to be told to her as often as required - probably a lot more than once.