What to do when parents enable BPD sibling

[Nancylee]

Hi all,

I just joined and was directed here. The story of my brother is here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=220743.0

While my mother has her own set of challenges, she isn't BPD, just very controlling and a tornado of emotion. She is 84, as is my dad, and I worry about them in the clutches of my BPD very crafty, manipulative brother. He has already gotten them to put their house in his name, which I have decided isnt worth the battle. i just dont care enough about money to try to convince them this may not be wise. My worry is what he may do while they are alive, as his only true love is money.

Since he practically lives with them, and I just fled after attempting to stay for a few weeks, it seems that I am going to have limited contact with them. The blow up yesterday with my mother was mostly about him. How I can't visit them, as he is always there, and he is toxic to me. I quit drinking 4 years ago and feel the world unmedicated now, and I am so sensitive to the mood,and energy when he is around.

I guess what I am asking is whether I have to disengage totally from my parents as well. It is very sad that they feel they have to enable him, walk on eggshells, etc. But I feel like they know, just as they did when they let him buy the beach house, that they have to,chose, and they chose him. Really, it just breaks my heart.

Thanks for hearing me,

Nancy

[DreamGirl]

How tough this family stuff can be.  :'(

How far away do they live? How often do you visit? How often do you chat with them?

[Nancylee]

How tough this family stuff can be.  :'(

How far away do they live? How often do you visit? How often do you chat with them?

Yes, it is.

My parents and brother live almost 5 hours away. I go down frequently now, as I was taking a class (which I won't finish now, BTW) I talk to my mother a few times a week. She is manageable, but it's my brother who is toxic. She just hurts me, she doesn't scare me.

Thank you for responding,

Nancy

[bemindful]

Well, let me ask you this... . why do they have to choose between the two of you?

[lever.]

I normally post on the parents board but I noticed this post as the relationship between my BPD daughter and her sister is a difficulty.

I understand your need to have minimum contact with your brother. I also feel for your parents trying to support him at the age of 84 possibly without access to much support or advice.

What would you like them to do?

I am unclear too about your difficulty with your mother. Would it be severe enough for you to want low contact if your brother wasn't in the picture?

I wonder too about bemindful's question, how do you feel they have made a choice between you and why do they have to chose?

They are getting very elderly now,a stage where many people are needing support from their children rather than giving it.

Unless you find your mother toxic in her own right I would offer emotional support via phone calls etc. and avoid putting pressure on your parents to respond to your brother in any particular way.

This is a sad situation for all of you.

Where do YOU go for emotional support if it isn't available from your family of origin?

[enough abuse]

Nancylee,

I completely understand all of what you are saying as I am almost it the identical situation with my uBPD sister and 72 yr old mother. 

My mother has been NC with her for 4 months and when my sister finally called to thank her for the birthday gifts my mom sent her kids , my mom proceeded to tell her she was moving off the family farm to a condo in town.  The reason my mom is moving is because of my sister.  She and her husband came over with a trailer to load up all the stuff they wanted... . My mom as she said "got a lot off her chest when she told her she did not apprieciate all the horrible things she did to her"  Now my sister is calling her daily.   I have done tons of research both my mom and I have had and continue to get professional help on this matter.  I also feel like my mom needs to choose and yes I feel terribly guilty about feeling that way.  My sister is also toxic and I can't bear to watch this circle round yet again... . So Yes I DO UNDERSTAND how you feel about the choosing and YES I KNOW what a horrible feeling it is.  I can't bear to see my mother be abused again... .

I certainly wish I had answers for you but I don't think anyone does.   Unless you are feeling this exact situation perhaps you don't understand.   The choose part sounds and looks selfish but if you feel like I do it is not that at all... . Seeing the pain in your parent that yes it is a choice they make that we can't control... . but it is the secondary trauma that is so painful

All the best Nancylee

[bemindful]

Enough, I totally get what you're saying.  The reason I ask why you need them to choose is because I am going through something similar.  And have chosen not to ask them to choose (though I think I felt they had to when I was younger).

My uBPD/NPD sister is, in her 50s, very emotionally attached to my parents (in their late 70s).  I used to think my parents favored her and chose her, but I very recently realized that's not it at all.  It's not that they favor her, but that they favor themselves.  Her goals and theirs just happen to coincide on many issues.  For instance, mom needs to feel like a good mother and have the "perfect" family.  Things I'm doing make her believe it's not true, while things my sister is doing feed that belief.  Am I making any sense?  So my parents favor the child who is feeding their needs the most, whatever they are.

I realized a long time ago that asking or expecting them to choose between the two of us was an exercise in futility.  Parents will have an incredibly difficult time doing that. Even if it doesn't seem like it.  And in the end, forcing them to choose may make them choose the one not forcing such a difficult choice.  Know what I mean?  Instead, I decided to figure out a new way to fit into the family unit.

Now, while I've been mostly NC with my sister for a few years, we all manage to participate in family get togethers without any yelling, etc.  It's a kind of detente.  Essentially, everyone else just kind of tolerates the narcissism and abuse to "keep the peace" for a few days every few years.  There's a lot of tongue biting and we all manage to keep conversations away from hot topics.  We do it because we actively look for ways to enjoy spending time together.  To feed whatever needs we all have.

And while my parents choose to talk to my uBPD/NPD sister several times a day and talk to me a few times a month, I realize I'm choosing it, too.  Because I decided I want my parents in my life, especially as they age.  I worked very hard (and still do all the time) to find things to appreciate about them and focus on that instead of the negatives, the perceived favoritism, the fact that they cannot and will not ever really understand the kind of person my sister can be, the fact that they blame me for things she did, the fact that she manipulates everyone with such magnificent and awe-inspiring skill.  I've recently acknowledged that my relationship with them has changed and am working very hard to accept that reality.  And it sucks, because I want more intimacy, but I realize it's not possible.  All of our choices (including mine) have made it impossible.  But the alternative is less acceptable to me than accepting the shift.

I'm not sure it's fair to yourself to feel guilty.  I mean, sure you don't want to force that issue and might feel selfish for it, but you need to do what you need to do to take care of yourself.  And sometimes that may mean limiting or eliminating contact.  At the same time, it might be helpful to focus on whatever positives you can find in your family (including the BPD) and instead of seeing it as forcing someone else to choose, YOU get make the choices for how all those relationships are going to be. 

The fallout sucks, but to me the alternative sucks more.  And I guess that's the choice all of us here have to make.

[enough abuse]

Sorry to respond on your post Nanylee but hopefully the dialog is helpful for you as well.

The reason I feel my mom needs to choose is because my sister is very abuse to my mom and my mom is scared of her.  My mom's words have often been "I'm just afraid she is going to come over here and do something crazy"  my mom's significant other has also told me she is scared of my sister.  So if my mom wants to jump in the cage with a lion, I am not as much as giving her my arm to pull her out.  I have numerous times, problems are more frequent and more violent.  I can't bear to see this and it is not taking care of myself making myself sick worrying about her safety.  My mom feels it is her obligation since she is her daughter to take the abuse.  My has set a ton of boundaries which is a big step but the more boundaries the more retaliation.