Now I feel like emailing her.

[Perfidy]

Little over two weeks ago she contacted me in person. It was weird. We are strangers. Apart for almost a year. When she approached me I basically snubbed her. Now I feel like emailing her. Checking to see where her head is at. We were together for almost eight years. I think I know where my head is. I won't have that same lopsided bs that was before. I know, I'm her monkey. Forget it.

[NyGirl8]

Sorry  That sucks!  Ugh, ugh, ugh!  I swear this is more addiction than anything!  It truly feels like it!  And once and addict, always an addict.  I think the addiction is that beginning of just pure bliss... . where they say everything right, and do everything right, and accept you and love you and respect you... . it really is too good to be true.  Because sadly, it isn't true... . it is just a smoke and mirror show.  Soon, their fear of abandonment and intimacy will make them blow it all up.  Just as it appeared, it will end in a flash of hurt, confusion, shattered dreams, and despair.   

Sorry you saw her and sorry you are thinking of her now

[ShadowDancer]

Little over two weeks ago she contacted me in person. It was weird. We are strangers. Apart for almost a year. When she approached me I basically snubbed her. Now I feel like emailing her. Checking to see where her head is at. We were together for almost eight years. I think I know where my head is. I won't have that same lopsided bs that was before. I know, I'm her monkey. Forget it.

Say,

                 The deeper you go the higher you fly

                 The higher you fly the deeper you go

                 So come on, come on, come on, come on

                 Come on is such a joy

                 Come on is such a joy

                 Come on and make it easy

                 Come on and make it easy

                 Make it easy, make it easy

                 Everybody has something to hide except for me and my monkey

Perfidy my bro... . I understand when the going gets weird the strange go pro, and we all take our chances. Although I believe at this point you can pro up and withstand her "charms" whatever you do. Just remember to keep it low altitude, listen to the monkey and... . curiosity killed the cat... . 9 times.

[myself]

Where is the urge you have really coming from?

Do you think she would be honest with you?

Would this help or hurt you with your progress?

[Perfidy]

Thank you my family

[ShadowDancer]

Where is the urge you have really coming from?

Do you think she would be honest with you?

Would this help or hurt you with your progress?

Perfidy,

                  I'll wager where that urge is coming from... . you a betting man... . I could use the ducats... .

                   

[node4]

Perfidy,

Go back and read all of your old posts, remember the hours of pain, weeks, months. Remember that you have come so far, and both of you will likely be much worse, this time around. Do you want to be in a world of hurt worst than before a year from now? Can you bear that level of pain again. What you want is not real. You are in love with an illusion that you both will agree to... . them bam... . left for the wolves... .

Remember brother... . listen to that little voice that's going... . what the hell are you thinking... .

[Perfidy]

Lets wager. No, I'm not going there.

[ShadowDancer]

Lets wager. No, I'm not going there.

LOL... .

[Perfidy]

There is no urge. If there was I would have already acted on it. I'm not compulsive at all. Much thought. Too much.

[Findingmysong723]

Good!

[Perfidy]

Still hurts. Can't help it. I know it's over. Sure loved her.

[ShadowDancer]

Still hurts. Can't help it. I know it's over. Sure loved her.

I hear that... .

[NyGirl8]

Me too... .

[Perfidy]

Core issues, counseling, meditation, self awareness, all of that. It's been a while and I'm out of the woods. Run Forest! RRRRUUUUNNN!

[letmeout]

Run Forest! RRRRUUUUNNN!

That cracked me up, thanks! :-)

[Dog biscuit]

                 The deeper you go the higher you fly

                 The higher you fly the deeper you go

                 So come on, come on, come on, come on

                 Come on is such a joy

                 Come on is such a joy

                 Come on and make it easy

                 Come on and make it easy

                 Make it easy, make it easy

                 Everybody has something to hide except for me and my monkey

This!

Sit with the flare up of love and affection, sit with the desire, sit with it, you can do it, without acting on it. This too will pass!

Another quote from a song:

She's the tear that hangs inside my soul forever. - Jeff Buckley.

This too shall pass Perdify!

[Perfidy]

Inspired, got a song. I'm going to write another song, play it for you. For us.

[Perfidy]

I have the greatest truth in my grasp. In all of this mental masturbation and mindfu€k I now have perfect clarity. Even though I ruminate about her and us and what could have been I now know with complete certainty that it wasn't ever about her. This is all about me. I arrived at this awareness through focusing on my self. Examining the thoughts that produced the feelings and caused me to write the words. I am my self.

[musicfan42]

I have the greatest truth in my grasp. In all of this mental masturbation and mindfu€k I now have perfect clarity.

LOL... . Am I the only one who laughed at the phrase "mental masturbation"?

[Dog biscuit]

I have the greatest truth in my grasp. In all of this mental masturbation and mindfu€k I now have perfect clarity. Even though I ruminate about her and us and what could have been I now know with complete certainty that it wasn't ever about her. This is all about me. I arrived at this awareness through focusing on my self. Examining the thoughts that produced the feelings and caused me to write the words. I am my self.

I led to at mental masturbation, because thats just the right phrase for it!

What could have been... .

What could have been, couldnt have been with her Perdify. It could have been with you! Not with her! It could have been with you, and that must have been really nice.

[NyGirl8]

What a great place to be Perfidy!

Even though I ruminate about her and us and what could have been I now know with complete certainty that it wasn't ever about her. This is all about me. I arrived at this awareness through focusing on my self. Examining the thoughts that produced the feelings and caused me to write the words. I am my self.

(I still can't figure out how to make the darn blue boxes!  But above is what I am referring to!  You just took all her power away and placed it back with you.  Ah, sounds heavenly!  I hope to be there one day:-)  Thanks for sharing!

[Skip]

When she approached me I basically snubbed her. Now I feel like emailing her.

Here is how we see it when the shoe is on the another foot: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=220780.0

~Booty call... . or needed some soothing.  Watch out for the hooks... .

~Wonder how her new bf would feel about this?

~What the heck do they think.

~That is just plain head shaking crazy, right there.

The relationship had a really traumatic end for you.  I'm sure there is a lot of unfinished business is your heart - things you want her to say to you (which, BTW, rarely really happens in any relationship - remember you lived entirely different endings to the relationship - yours was shock and awe, hers was romantic and fresh and new). 

And there is the snub last week which certainly will be weighing heavily on her mind if you contact her (he snubbed me last week, now he wants to know how I am).

Opening the door on a past love to be friendly is normal - but are you ready for that?  It doesn't feel like it.

Perfidy, the one question that I might be asking my self right now is "who is she to me".  On some pages you have described her as your best friend and 8 year partner that you wanted to buy a house for.  On some page you describe her a dysfunctional meth addict who was not much more to you that a 8 year "one night stand- sex".

In the 5 stages of detachment to right ----------> 

~ Stage 1 -  we talk about just feeling what we feel, doesn't need to make sense

~ Stage 2 -  we talk about make sense of the feelings, and being truthful to ourselves

What is your reality here?  It's really important to open that door.

[Perfidy]

Who is she to me. Right now she isn't anything to me. I still don't want to be her friend. Who she is to me changes. At one time I thought she was my mate. I accepted her that way with all of her flaws. Before that I thought she was just a fling. She has been a different person to me at different points in our relationship. She was all of those things. She was my friend, she was my lover and companion. She was an adversary, a challenge. She was a dream and a nightmare. She was my abuser. She has been many things to me. At one time she was everything to me. I won't forget the perfidy.

[Skip]

Right now she isn't anything to me. At one time she was everything to me. I won't forget the perfidy.

Why did you want to email her?  When we do that we have something in mind that we want to see.

What did you want/hope to see?  Even if it was fleeting - what was it?

[Perfidy]

I wish it could be that her and I are friends because of how close we were. Because of the trust I gave her. Because of what we shared. I wish we could be friends. It's like I told her when she approached me, I don't even know who she is now. Given the depth of the deciet I have to think that I didn't ever really know her. I wanted to contact her because she reached out to me in a very courageous manner. I didn't communicate with her much when she approached me. I couldn't hardly believe that she would have just walked up to me and said all of those things coming behind the way that she behaved with me. It was flight or fight that kicked in. I chose flight. Naturally, I'm curious now. I am curious if there was any real purpose in her approach, or, if it is as I suspect, that she was acting on compulsion. Wanting to know where her head is at. I put so much into that relationship, I haven't let go of every shred of hope yet. To me, after what I went through, this would seem like insanity to have hope of being with her again. I want her, but I don't want her. It's my love for her dying.

[chuckstrong]

Who is she to me. Right now she isn't anything to me. I still don't want to be her friend. Who she is to me changes. At one time I thought she was my mate. I accepted her that way with all of her flaws. Before that I thought she was just a fling. She has been a different person to me at different points in our relationship. She was all of those things. She was my friend, she was my lover and companion. She was an adversary, a challenge. She was a dream and a nightmare. She was my abuser. She has been many things to me. At one time she was everything to me. I won't forget the perfidy.

Yep... . I sure know that feeling ... .

I even dedicated Brad Paisley's "She's Everything To Me" to her at a wedding a mere 19 days before she dropped the bomb and blew it all up seemingly overnight. Ugh! Now 18 months ( 2 months NC) and a lot of pain later I dont even know what she is to me. it still hurts alot every single day.

But I've noticed it is waning little by little all the time. But even with all i know about BPD and such it still so very hard to fully wrap my arms around how a person could love you so much with the sun rising and setting seemingly on the other and now it's just TOTAL silence like we never even met.

Currently she is nicer to the barista at Starbucks or the cashier at Stop and Shop than to someone she loved so so much. its hard for me to understand. Still. And, I venture to say that I never will truly come to terms with it.

Chuck ---(sometimes) Strong

[Skip]

I couldn't hardly believe that she would have just walked up to me and said all of those things coming behind the way that she behaved with me.

What did she say?

[Perfidy]

First she said she was glad to see me. She then told me that I haunt all of her dreams and that she thinks about me every day. She put her hand on my arm. She told me she was sorry. She said she was embarrassed and shouldn't even be there. The only thing I told her was that I didn't even know who she was. I didn't even look at her in the face and then I turned away and left. I didn't look back.

[Skip]

I accepted her that way with all of her flaws.

If I remember, you were together for eights years - you had an extended out of town assignment - she turned down the last two tickets you sent her to come visit you, connected with someone else, and told you after the fact.  There was a two month window where she didn't tell you what was going out with someone locally.

So are you saying that if somehow you or she could heal the damage from that two month window, you might go back? Would want to go back.

Couples have recovered from things like this.

It's a defining question. 

Is it this one incident that stands between you?  Or is there a long list of fundamental issues that have long permeated the relationship that stands between you (e.g., substance use, mental illness, etc.)?