Why so vicious?...

[GlitterBug]

For my background story, please feel free to take a look over my earlier posts

So I've been askingn myelf today as I continue with NC (I was painted black and cut out)... . Why to BP's have to go to such a painful extreme when attacking someone with words?

my BP best friend and I would have arguments over the years which seem to have got increasingly nasty and more frequent - I suppose my question is, why has it now become SO personal?

I think it could possible be a bit of projection playing a part but the argument which has now caused the final breakdown of the friendship was jut awful and 48hrs later when I messaged to acknowledge she had blocked me FB and to say that I couldn't believe our friendship was worth so little to her, her replies became more and more spiteful and it was clear she was making a real effirt to be as awful as possible.

I know awful things can often be said in the heat of the moment by non BP's but to continue an attack 48hrs after and to say moreterrible things, wasn't the initial 'gas light' episode and condescending rage enough?

Why does it have to be so viciour?

[lucyhoneychurch]

I read your earlier posts, I am so sorry she is acting in this manner.

Is she like a sister to you since you are posting in the Parent/Sibling/Inlaw message board?

I only relate really with someone who's had a parent in my case my mother, don't know how to advise you exactly.

I'm sorry you are hurting.

[Contradancer]

Sorry to say, but it's what many BPDs due because of their illness. The worse their internal mess, the worse the spite.

This does not, however, lessen the impact it has on those getting the brunt of it. To repeat what I've been wisely told, you get to be high-functioning by being totally in control of your reactions.

Please know that I've been through a version of what you're experiencing. It is painful, and can be very damaging to those on the receiving end. You have my empathy and best wishes.

[strangerinparadise]

It's abandonment. Your friend wants you back and is lashing out because you had the audacity to not cave in and ask for forgiveness. I'm sorry but it sounds like a losing battle. My mother, after one of her bullying campaigns (where SHE had initiated the verbal and sometimes physical abuse), she would only be happy if *I* "repented", cried, and asked for forgiveness. She was emotionally playing out something in her head that the rest of us weren't privy to. We were just the props, my home a stage for her.

I'm sorry for what you're going through.I hope things even out for you.

[GlitterBug]

Thanks for your replies

Yeah she was like a sister to me, we grew up together and have been through so much- we were pretty much insuperable since we were kids.

We used to live together (for about 5yrs) but it was a similar situation which led me to move out about 18 months ago.

I was going through a relationship breakdown at the time and I so desperately  needed her, that I relented and I ended up tracking her down after 2 weeks NC and found myself apologising for a situation I didn't start, I just needed my friend so bad.

This time is different though, I won't be breaking NC but it's really hard because my social circle is quite small and I have a tough time trusting and making new friends; she has already latched on to our other friends (including my other best friend who I think is a little scared of her rages) so I am feeling really lonely at the moment- spending a lot of time at home just thinking about it over and over.

We did everything together and now life does feel forever changed and quite black.

[PleaseValidate]

GlitterBug, i must agree w everything Stranger had to say and I am so sorry you are going through this.

I can highly relate as my bff for over 2 decades told me last year that she did not want to be my friend anymore and it came way out of left field. She has more of an avoidance pd and I did a very minor thing (IMO) that offended her (told someone her husband went to college when he didnt.) I apologized profusely, admitted my wrong, validated her perspective, etc.  She didn't care.  I know that if i had done something similar before she got married and had a baby that she would not have acted so extreme. I have overlooked so many of her discretion which were way worse (IMO.) It hurts so deeply that she could just cut me out like that.

But similar to your situation, I have few social supports while she now has her "family" (I foolishly always thought of her as part of mine.) Your BPD friend will probably make many more friends very quickly as they often do.

It really sucks doesn't it? I'm very sorry for your loss. 

[GlitterBug]

GlitterBug, i must agree w everything Stranger had to say and I am so sorry you are going through this.

I can highly relate as my bff for over 2 decades told me last year that she did not want to be my friend anymore and it came way out of left field. She has more of an avoidance pd and I did a very minor thing (IMO) that offended her (told someone her husband went to college when he didnt.) I apologized profusely, admitted my wrong, validated her perspective, etc.  She didn't care.  I know that if i had done something similar before she got married and had a baby that she would not have acted so extreme. I have overlooked so many of her discretion which were way worse (IMO.) It hurts so deeply that she could just cut me out like that.

But similar to your situation, I have few social supports while she now has her "family" (I foolishly always thought of her as part of mine.) Your BPD friend will probably make many more friends very quickly as they often do.

It really sucks doesn't it? I'm very sorry for your loss. 

I'm sorry to hear that you've also lost your BFF- I've been reading loads of posts on her and haven't come across many people who have experienced this with close friends; it's predominantly parents,siblings and spouses so it was really nice to hear from someone who has also gone through this with a friend.

Because if her BP and some really traumatic stuff she went through as a young person, I concentrated a lot over the years on making sure she was ok- she would self harm and made an attempt on her life and since then I was always terrified when I knew she was struggling; I think because I was so worried all the time and I invested a lot,my ability to make new friends and broaden my social circle suffered but I didn't mind because I guess I thought we would be in each other's lives forever.

She was always very much the life and soul of any party and made friends very easily, where as I tend to sit back more and people don't tend to warm to me as much so any mutual friends came about predominantly via her- this leaves me a bit 'out in the cold now'.

It is comforting to know in not the only one who feels this way; like you said,it's just baffling how someone can cut someone out for something so minor.

It's hard to swallow as well because she has kept people in her life over the years who have treated her terribly, but one ridiculous argument and I'm cast aside- I just don't get.

I hope you're doing ok and moving on positively

[Santa Clara]

GlitterBug, hugs to you. 

About 6 years ago I had the same thing happen to me with a BP friend (at the time I didn't know she was BP).  It was very hurtful and for a long time I questioned what I must have done to deserve such a vicious personal attack. I went NC pretty quickly when the attack started, which I am happy I did.

Luckily after a while another friend of mine said it sounded like this 'friend' had BP.  That made it easier to understand.  Although it took me a couple of years to get over the hurt (but I think that was probably more to do with my own self esteem issues at the time, it was very difficult for me not to believe what she said about me). 

This BP girl even continued to send me surprise attack emails (she knew just what to say to hurt me right in the heart) up to 18 months after I went NC.  After the first couple I made sure my hubby read emails that came from her before.  I didn't have to see them.  That helped.

I discovered 2 years ago that my mum is BP, and suddenly it all made sense with my BP friend, why she could affect me so and also why I had been attracted to her. No whenever I start a new friendship if I get a hint of BP I keep away. 

Anyway, good luck.  I know it hurts but hopefully you can be kind to yourself and the hurt will pass. xx