How do you stop being Codependent?

[Cloudy Days]

Codependency and Codependent Relationships

A funny thing about codependency is that when you are so focused on the another person, they become focused on themselves, too.  Much of the love and intimacy in a codependent relationship is experienced in the context of one person’s distress and the other’s rescuing or enabling.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationships

I stumbled on a very informative article about Codependency on this site. Unfortunately it rang a little too close to home for me. It basically described how I feel and my personality almost perfectly, not everything but 90% if it, which makes me very sad because I am much more damaged then I ever thought I was Me and my husband are more similar than I could ever imagine. Reading the article really opened my eyes to how I view the world. I don't want to live like this anymore, I want to be my own person and focus on myself. I honestly think that I bring out the worst in my husband and he brings out the worst in me, because I have trouble communicating and he has trouble trusting someone who doesn't talk to him, which is understandable. I am starting to wonder if I screwed my husband up more than he would have been without me. He actually just got approved for Social Security Disability, he's more upset with the fact that he now labeled Crazy than he was happy that he got approved. I am hoping it raises his confidence, it's been 4 years since he has been able to contribute anything to our finances. I can only imagine it would make him feel lousy because he can't help his wife. He would give me the world if he could, I know that much.

I am seeing my husband's therapist without him present for my own issues. I was seeing a different lady and my husband didn't like it so he suggested I see his shrink. Honestly she is better than the one I was seeing so no harm no foul. I printed out the article and wrote some comments on it I am going to give it to her and ask her how I can stop living like this. But I'm sure some of you have had similar epiphany's. How do you stop yourself from the Codependent pattern of behavior. It seems to be very ingrained in me, I'm sure living with my husband has made it worse, just like I made him worse. Is it possible to stay in a relationship with a BPD and heal from Codependency? I feel like I shouldn't even be in a relationship until I heal my soul, but I am already in one so that may not be a solution, at least as long as he is trying to get better I want to get better myself if it's possible.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Surnia]

Hi CDays

I am very familiar with it too. I really started to be aware of it in my now divorced marriage. Right now I am not in a relationship and my codependency is there - sometimes with my family, at work, with friends.

For me its daily work. So many times I have to ask myself: Is this my business or am I focused too much on someone else's? Am I enabling or is it real support? Am I connected with myself or with supposed needs of others around me? 

From my experience I would say, my codependency is kind of everywhere. Like you said it, its ingrained.

In my experience being aware of all this is really helpful. And lowering the expectation toward myself. 

[Lucky Jim]

Hi Cloudy Days, That you agreed to switch from your T to your H's T sounds like a  for codependency to me.  You relate that your husband didn't like it when you had your own T, so he suggested the change!  Why did you kowtow to him and his needs?  Think about it.  Doesn't matter if his T is better than your previous, which sounds like a justification after the fact, or just an excuse for doing something codependent.  How can I put this to you more plainly:  You need your own T!  Sounds like you may need work on stronger boundaries.  Your needs come first, don't forget.  Lucky Jim

[Perfidy]

Wanting a relationship more than the partner does could be codependency. Wanting to help someone more than they help themselves could be codependency. Like most unhealthy traits there must be a spectrum of codependency, and the degree of unhappiness is likely a good indicator of how severe codependency affects people. Stopping it? We are probably all codependent to a greater or lessor degree. I suppose if we examine the reasons we would want to get codependent with another and recognize our codependency, then we might be able to stop it before we act on it. Just my two cents.

[nolisan]

I work a 12 Step program: Codependents Anonymous (CoDA). They have face to face, telephone and internet meetings. CHeck them out at www.coda.org/ 

CoDA has be a great help to me. Here is a checklist - I certain have many of these (especially the rescuing)



    Patterns and Characteristics of Codependence

    These patterns and characteristics are offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation.

    They may be particularly helpful to newcomers.

    Denial Patterns:

    I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.

    I minimize, alter, or deny how I truly feel.

    I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others.

    I lack empathy for the feelings and needs of others.

    I label others with my negative traits.

    I can take care of myself without any help from others.

    I mask my pain in various ways such as anger, humor, or isolation.

    I express negativity or aggression in indirect and passive ways.

    I do not recognize the unavailability of those people to whom I am attracted.

    Low Self Esteem Patterns:

    I have difficulty making decisions.

    I judge what I think, say, or do harshly, as never good enough.

    I am embarrassed to receive recognition, praise, or gifts.

    I value others’ approval of my thinking, feelings, and behavior over my own.

    I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.

    I constantly seek recognition that I think I deserve.

    I have difficulty admitting that I made a mistake.

    I need to appear to be right in the eyes of others and will even lie to look good.

    I am unable to ask others to meet my needs or desires.

    I perceive myself as superior to others.

    I look to others to provide my sense of safety.

    I have difficulty getting started, meeting deadlines, and completing projects.

    I have trouble setting healthy priorities.

    Compliance Patterns:

    I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.

    I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or anger.

    I put aside my own interests in order to do what others want.

    I am hypervigilant regarding the feelings of others and take on those feelings.

    I am afraid to express my beliefs, opinions, and feelings when they differ from those of others.

    I accept sexual attention when I want love.

    I make decisions without regard to the consequences.

    I give up my truth to gain the approval of others or to avoid change.

    Control Patterns:

    I believe most people are incapable of taking care of themselves.

    I attempt to convince others what to think, do, or feel.

    I freely offer advice and direction to others without being asked.

    I become resentful when others decline my help or reject my advice.

    I lavish gifts and favors on those I want to influence.

    I use sexual attention to gain approval and acceptance.

    I have to be needed in order to have a relationship with others.

    I demand that my needs be met by others.

    I use charm and charisma to convince others of my capacity to be caring and compassionate.

    I use blame and shame to emotionally exploit others.

    I refuse to cooperate, compromise, or negotiate.

    I adopt an attitude of indifference, helplessness, authority, or rage to manipulate outcomes.

    I use terms of recovery in an attempt to control the behavior of others.

    I pretend to agree with others to get what I want.

    Avoidance Patterns:

    I act in ways that invite others to reject, shame, or express anger toward me.

    I judge harshly what others think, say, or do.

    I avoid emotional, physical, or sexual intimacy as a means of maintaining distance.

    I allow my addictions to people, places, and things to distract me from achieving intimacy in relationships.

    I use indirect and evasive communication to avoid conflict or confrontation.

    I diminish my capacity to have healthy relationships by declining to use all the tools of recovery.

    I suppress my feelings or needs to avoid feeling vulnerable.

    I pull people toward me, but when they get close, I push them away.

    I refuse to give up my self-will to avoid surrendering to a power that is greater than myself.

    I believe displays of emotion are a sign of weakness.

    I withhold expressions of appreciation.

The Patterns and Characteristics of Codependency may not be reprinted or republished without the express written consent of Co-Dependents Anonymous, Inc. This document may be reprinted from the website www.coda.org (CoDA) for use by members of the CoDA Fellowship. 



Copyright © 2010 Co-Dependents Anonymous, Inc. and its licensors -All Rights Reserved

[dontknow2]

Hi Cloudy Days,

So many times I have to ask myself: Is this my business or am I focused too much on someone else's? Am I enabling or is it real support? Am I connected with myself or with supposed needs of others around me?

Adding onto SB... . Because my problem was SO severe initially, I had to start off super simple. I had to stop (literally) and ask myself every hour+ all day: Am I thinking about what I feel/need and why?

I started off at maybe 90% thinking about others. I probably reached my 50% mark, yeah after years of work. I hope one day this will be more like breathing than a struggle. Then, I imagine thinking about others will switch too and won't be an unhealthy need. I keep dreaming 

The irony was I thought getting my needs met was being selfish. Now, I realize I hurt others more than not focusing on their needs first.

Thanks for posting your question. I needed the reminder.

[Cloudy Days]

Well there has been no doubt in my mind that I am Codependent, I can list a lot of things that I have done to make my husband happy that I probably shouldn't have done. But it doesn't change the fact that I cannot actually stop myself from doing them at this point. It was easy to stop seeing my Therapist because I didn't feel she was working, if I had felt better about the time I spent with her then I would have told my husband no. I know this could be a justification, I have a hard time knowing what I feel. I have spent the last 9 years becoming extremely Codependent, I think I had characteristics before I ever met my husband though. And the more he asked for the more I gave to him. I see the dysfunction now, I didn't understand it then. I've always just wanted his love. I'm addicted to him.

I really struggle with communication and expressing my needs or even my emotions. It does not come natural to me and I don't think it is something that is ever going to be easy. I cry a lot, I cry about everything that upsets me, it's the one way I do express myself. But that doesn't help me communicate or know what I am actually feeling. I am also very shy, very quiet and don't talk a whole lot. My husband can go on a 10 minute rant and he will want me to respond and I will have nothing to say to him (obviously a trigger to him) I have realized that I lie to myself, I don't even allow myself think about what I feel. So how can I know what I truly feel about anything. That's why it is so hard for me to make decisions. Honestly, one thing that has been bothering me lately was that I was trying to write a grocery list. I couldn't for the life of me think of things to make for dinner, I knew the few things that my husband asks for on a regular basis but other than that, I was brain dead as to what else to put on the list. I couldn't think of what I would like to make for dinner, I was so focused on what he wanted me to make that I didn't even consider what I wanted as an option. I do that all the time on all kinds of things. "whatever you want is fine with me" is my go to phrase.  

No one really answered my question though. Is it possible to stay and be happy when trying to overcome Codependency? I mean my husband is my biggest trigger because I am walking on eggshells a lot of the time. I have tried to place boundaries and am doing small ones but the larger boundaries are going to be hard for me. If I can't become less Codependent then how do I know whether or not I even want my relationship.  I have shut my feelings off for so long. If I deny my feelings constantly then how do I know the difference between a denial and my real feelings. I feel so broken I know that much.

[Lucky Jim]

Hi Cloudy Days, I'm sorry that you are in so much pain.  For me, its about listening to my gut feelings and thinking from the neck down.  Of course you're out of practice, but you can start but recognizing that there is a small pilot light where your feelings have yet to be extinguished.  You may need to cultivate this flame in order to get back in touch with yourself.  Start slowly and pay attention to what your heart and gut are telling you.  Lucky Jim

[happylogist]

Hi Cloud Days,

It is truly difficult to be in a relationship and at the same time work on yourself, especially when you are with a person who is triggering your codependency and underlying feelings like fear, obligation or guilt. But it is possible! I think your reply has a clue to your answer. Just start with a grocery list. Ask yourself what you want to have for today's dinner. "What does my body want?"  There should be something that would make you feel good

Basically start taking care and loving yourself - but since it is easier to say than to do - It helps to start referring to your inner child as a first step. To paraphrase - be your  own codependent as well

I find that having a loving dialogue with my inner child a baby-step towards understanding what I feel and want without defining my feelings or thoughts based on who I am for my SO, without unnecessary and  non-needed sacrifices and feeling of being unappreciated (the full codependency package). Unfortunately there are not many good books on codependency. I read lately Melody Beattie's "Codependent No More" and found that in terms of practical tips there is a lot of useful information, but in case you are agnostic or not  into mood of believing that the universe or God plans everything all for you -  it might be a bit disappointing. But still it is a good starting point (I am not working with a therapist).  I adopted a new habit after reading "Codependent No More" of asking myself in the morning what I liked about the previous day and then what I disliked.  It is a starting point of understanding and not blocking my own feelings or focusing overly on certain ones.

Hope it helps!

[dontknow2]

Is it possible to stay and be happy when trying to overcome Codependency?

Hi Cloudy,

I agree with happylogist that I think it is possible to stay and overcome Codependency (even though I have not completed my go at it!). Since my relationship with my ex was compounded with problem upon problem (and way too many triggers!), I had to work out some of my codependency issues outside of my xBPDh relationship first. For example, I worked on my thoughts and how I approached my needs with my children, boss, friends, etc... I could get my head around these examples easier than my ex.

On a side note, my ex and I had to live apart multiple times to survive through the years. During these periods, I would get a boost in strength and clarity too.

The happy part of your question may come later.

I really struggle with communication and expressing my needs or even my emotions. It does not come natural to me and I don't think it is something that is ever going to be easy. I cry a lot, I cry about everything that upsets me, it's the one way I do express myself. But that doesn't help me communicate or know what I am actually feeling... .

I feel so broken I know that much.

First from my perspective, you are much further along in being able to express yourself than you give yourself credit for. Secondly, I cry a lot too. There was a period where I cried for hours every day for months. (That was particularly crazy and worried me!) Although I hear you are unsure on what you are actually feeling, I wanted to share that I LOVE crying now. I think it is the most beautiful expression of emotion; even more so than a smile for happiness. The idea of the emotion causing a release of WATER through the organ we SEE from... . artistically, it's beautiful. The crying release is amazing for me and so glad it's something I naturally do on a regular basis. I have no idea why anyone including men would shy away from it.

Lastly, I also relate to the feeling of brokenness. At one point, my wounds (some external and others given to myself by me) were so deep and many; seeming insurmountable and shattering on the inside. Unfortunately, I also continued to beat myself up through the healing process so at one point the wounds seemed endless. Although I will always have scars, the restoration process has gotten me feeling whole... . open wounds are also still there but no more gaping holes hidden in the dark. One of my daily mantras used to be "I am 100%" but no longer have to say this to believe it.

There is a person who feels unbroken in you. You sound very strong will and will do the repair and restoration work. I wish you strength and love.

[janey62]

No one really answered my question though. Is it possible to stay and be happy when trying to overcome Codependency? I mean my husband is my biggest trigger because I am walking on eggshells a lot of the time. I have tried to place boundaries and am doing small ones but the larger boundaries are going to be hard for me. If I can't become less Codependent then how do I know whether or not I even want my relationship.  I have shut my feelings off for so long. If I deny my feelings constantly then how do I know the difference between a denial and my real feelings. I feel so broken I know that much.

Hi Cloudy Days,

I think no one answered your question because there isn't an answer to it, not really.  For what it's worth, I think that you are making it happen now, by questioning yourself and by trying to place new boundaries, small or large. 

It seems like what you're doing now is trying to let yourself feel, hence being able to describe feeling broken.  That is you getting in touch with your feelings 

If it is possible for you, as an individual couple, to make it work then you're going the right way about it.  Working with therapists, both of you, and asking questions and exploring your feelings, however painful that is.  It's going to take time and who knows what the outcome might be?  You may realise that you don't want this relationship, or you may find it working so much better.  The fact that your pwBPD has accepted the financial support and is seeing a therapist is a plus I think. 

Codependency isn't a crime, it's something developed over a lifetime as a coping mechanism in response to difficulty and it will take time to unravel it.  Maybe there isn't a cure for codependency, just an awareness and understanding of it and some adjustments so that we are more in control of ourselves and able to ask for what we need, putting those needs first sometimes.

Taking small steps is a good start.

big hugs

Janey x

[Cloudy Days]

Thank you all for your replies. I have actually read Codependent No More, and it didn't much help me. It helped explain some things to me, like why I am the way I am. I might give it another read. I am going to try harder to do things for me and think about what I want. I realized last night that my husband does some of the same things as I do. He told me he doesn't want to watch any Movies on Netflix alone because he doesn't want me to get mad at him. He's trying to think about what I would want before he chooses what he wants. I used to always tell him to "be good" when I would leave him for the day. I am going to change that to "do something that makes you happy".

Basically start taking care and loving yourself - but since it is easier to say than to do - It helps to start referring to your inner child as a first step. To paraphrase - be your  own codependent as well

I find that having a loving dialogue with my inner child a baby-step towards understanding what I feel and want without defining my feelings or thoughts based on who I am for my SO, without unnecessary and  non-needed sacrifices and feeling of being unappreciated (the full codependency package).

My therapist actually told me to do this. Although she said to go back to my old memories and feel them to their full extent and then talk to that child. Tell them everything that you would have wanted to hear. It does help, I need to remind myself that it took a long time to get this way and that it is going to take some time to unlearn it. I get discouraged when I feel like nothing is better.

[Grey Kitty]

Is it possible to stay and be happy when trying to overcome Codependency?

I would say yes and "not quite applicable" respectively.

It is absolutely possible to work on your CoD issues while staying in the r/s. In fact, if you leave the r/s, those issues will follow you... . I see it as one area where leaving won't help you much, if at all.

But being happy? Working through those issues in yourself is !@#$!@# hard work. You won't be happy about much of it. You don't sound happy about it now... . although that may be some motivation to work on it for you.

OTOH, the results are likely to make you happier

I mean my husband is my biggest trigger because I am walking on eggshells a lot of the time.

Sounds like you have plenty of work to do on your r/s with your H... . I'm pretty sure I've seen you on Staying before; that sort of work really belongs on that board, not here... . but the Lessons on that board did help me hugely.

Note: The inner child work is highly recommended in many places. I personally haven't been able to get much value from it... . so if it doesn't do it for you, try something else. Mindfulness meditation is very good for me... . and others cannot get anything from it.

[Googie]

I highly suggest going to Alanon meetings.  They teach how to detach with love.  I found it very easy to identify with everything in Codependent No More as well as everyone that I know who has read it which makes me think the broadness of the subject makes it hard to swallow.  Alanon is straight forward and it works, at least it did for me.

Googie

[Moselle]

How do you stop being co-dependent?

By realising that we can only have "hope" in the things we can change about ourselves, anything else is just wishful thinking.