the beginning of the end

[froggy]

I've been posting on both the staying and undecided boards... . after a 5 week absence from home dealing with my sister who has cancer and her own pwBPD... seeing HOW sick she is and being married 7 years longer than I have... . I think I have been pushed over to this board.

5 weeks away and I didn't miss him... dreaded coming back home... . it's like I never left... . well thats not quite true... . the house was totalled and a ton of excuses as to why he can't pick up after himself.

My biggest fear about leaving has been what others might think... . I've told my sister what my life has been like to let her know she's not alone... . seems she's told my Mom and others... . when I told my Mom that if the house looks like this next time I go away I'm not coming back... . she seemed fine with it... . friends seem fine with it... .

Soo... . I have nothing to lose... . I start putting up boundries... . what's the worst that can happen... . he leaves... . kicks me out... . big deal

[Mutt]

froggy, I'm sorry to hear about your sister's health.

I understand what you mean when you said you dreaded coming back home. I can't recall how many times I was separated, and stayed at family's and I stayed for as long as I could until the ex would call and almost begged for me to come back.

My biggest fear about leaving has been what others might think... .

I told my Mom that if the house looks like this next time I go away I'm not coming back... . she seemed fine with it... . friends seem fine with it... .

What do you fear?

I'm sorry that you are going through so much right now.

[froggy]

My biggest fear use to be failure and disappointment. ... been married 33 years yesterday... .

NOW my biggest fear is staying will kill me... I'll either get sick like my sister or take my own life ... . after 5 weeks away... pretty sure I'm done... . my sister also has a pwBPD... . she's 7 years longer in her marriage  She is so worn down ... i just can't go there

[seeking balance]

My biggest fear use to be failure and disappointment. ... been married 33 years yesterday... .

NOW my biggest fear is staying will kill me... I'll either get sick like my sister or take my own life ... . after 5 weeks away... pretty sure I'm done... . my sister also has a pwBPD... . she's 7 years longer in her marriage  She is so worn down ... i just can't go there

Froggy - that is so hard, 33 years.   

I don't know your back story, but do you have a plan for moving forward?

[RecycledNoMore]

(( froggy ))

33 years is such a long time,how have you coped so long? Im so very sorry to hear of your sisters bad health froggy,and that she too has a pwBPD to deal with on top of everything, Im glad at least you have eachother to understand and support one another under such trying circumstances.

How are you feeling overall froggy? 

[Surnia]

Hi froggy

Sounds like you are going to really hard times. I am so sorry to hear about your sisters sickness. 

I can relate very much with your fears about what others would think about failure.

We are here for you, froggy!

[froggy]

Recyclednomore

I'm scared... . but the more I deal with himthe more I see I can't do this any more... . hes had no less than 6 melt downs in the 5 days I've been back over nothing. He's drinki g mire than when I left.

Asked him if he'd concider quiting... . said no... . asked even for me?

Said why would he quit the only thing that gives him pleasure.

I've been talking to my kids that I'm seriously thinking of leaving... . have to have a talk with him about it... . I know it will do nothing... but feel I need to at least give him one last chance to change. Don't see it happening as he doesn't think he has any issues.

I'm tired of trying to fix something that's been broken from the beginning. ... tired of being the only one putting in an effort... . tired of feeling worthless and unloved.

I need to take the advice I've been giving my sister... . and leave.

I'm going to have to get a job so I have money to move and sell off anything of mine I really don't need.

Have to start the get Froggy the hell out fund.

I have another surgery coming up... just waiting to see when... . I'm so much stronger mentally now than I was 23 years ago when I felt I couldn't stay any longer... . my lids are grown now... . and I KNOW I can support myself if I have to.

It may take some time and planning. ... but need to get out for my own health and sanity

[RecycledNoMore]

Dearest froggy, my heart goes out to you, I can hear your in a really difficult situation, but I also hear determination.No one here can tell you when your done, only you know when its time.

If you know for yourself, in your heart that its over, I agree wholeheartedly that you should have a plan, I ended things with my uBPDx in the spur of the moment, even though we werent living together and had no children together, it was a traumatic shock to my system.I could have handled things differently,in a way that may have been easier on both of us.

Its good that you have been communicating with your kids,they will hopefully be able to support you through this.

Are you seeing a T? Or someone you can trust and confide in? It helps to have an outside perspective sometimes,to try and unravel your thoughts and emotions.You have been posting on the staying board, hopefully there are tools there that you can use to deal with your H.

33 years is a long time, but it is by no stretch of the imagination, to late.Keep focused on your plan froggy, keep posting and learning.

You can do this.

[janey62]

Hey Froggy,

I feel for you!  It sounds as if you and your sister have been through a lot... .  

If you're ready to make a break for it then planning is a good place to start.  It will make it easier on you. 

I hear that you want to give him another chance to change and that shows that you are a compassionate person, but also maybe it's a bit scary, leaving?  I know I was scared about making that decision.  Being on this site and this board has helped a lot, you are in the right place!  Just keep posting and the support will be there for you.

Set up that fund!  Maybe write yourself a decision balance sheet, you know, pros of leaving, pros of staying, cons of leaving and cons of staying... . seeing it on paper can be helpful too.  33 years is a long time and it will be an adjustment, but well worth it I think.  Life can begin again!

Stay strong... .

Janey xx

[froggy]

Set up that fund  Maybe write yourself a decision balance sheet, you know, pros of leaving, pros of staying, cons of leaving and cons of staying... . seeing it on paper can be helpful too.  33 years is a long time and it will be an adjustment, but well worth it I think.  Life can begin again!

Stay strong... .

Janey xx[/quote]
Not scared of leaving. ... terrified!

I don't know why... been doing everything since I was 17... . its that first step is the scariest. ... a leap of faith that I CAN do it on my own.

I've done the list... . I feel like I will die if I stay.

I'm looking for a job so I can put money away... . gave all the money I had saved up to my sister to get her the things she needed at home.  Time to start saving again.

I had already made the decision to walk next big fight... . he knows this and has controlled the big blow ups for the last couple years... but he's drinking more and just avoids me to not fight.

Hard to have a serious conversation with someone who really doesn't talk to you.

Noticed today I'm feeling depressed again since I have been back... I felt really good and had lots of energy while I was gone even though it was stressful.

I know I have to leave... . but the thought keeps creeping in... . "am I doing the right thing?"

Then he comes home and the complaints and temper tantrums start... and I think... . yup

[janey62]

How awful for you Froggy! 

I can't imagine how scared you must be after all those years, it's really understandable.  I was scared of leaving mine after 18 months, and we didn't even live together.

The trouble with being where you are is, as you said, you're feeling depressed again and it's even harder to act when you're depressed.

You said in your first post that your biggest fear about leaving was what other people would think?   

I'm sure that's part of it, but from everything you've written I am getting the feeling that there's more to it than that.  Maybe you're scared because you've been in that marriage for so long that you can't imagine life without it?  Or maybe you are suffering from FOG?

I might be worth reading about FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) on here.  This is a game that people with BPD are very good at.  They are masters at manipulating you so you feel all of these very powerful emotions which effectively keep you stuck.

I was so afraid to leave mine because he had hinted at killing himself, knowing that my mother did kill herself and that this was my biggest fear.  He didn't say he would do it but when I asked him about it he didn't say he wouldn't, just left it hanging in the air.  But then he would say things like, I hate myself, I can't go on, etc.  And of course he would leave me, often, triggering my huge abandonment issues from childhood.  So I stayed much longer than I really wanted to. 

It's as if pwBPD don't follow the same rules that we follow, they will do whatever they think it takes to keep you with them, no matter how cruel or manipulative, until they don't need you any more.

We're all here for you... . the best thing is to keep talking about it and getting support and understanding on these boards.   Be gentle with yourself 

Janey xx

[froggy]

I've stayed for decades after I first felt like running because of FOG. Also didn't think I COULD manage on my own with 2 little kids and a grade 10 education.

Now I think it's 50 years (first my dad then H) of hearing how worthless I am and having every flaw I have pointed out to me has eroded any self confidence I ever had

Found out here I have an avoident personality. ... . Surprise!  Guess that explains why I've been here so long.

I have been working on my own issues the last 6 months or so... . I've been letting the secrets out to friends and family. .told my Mom that I'm seriously thinking of leaving.

I'm giving him this last chance because it's the right thing to do... . but I really don't think I can stay if he doesn't quit drinking or get therapy or at least something to control the mood swings.

That being said... asked him if he'd concider quitting drinking... . he answered no... . refuses meds cause he can't drink and take them... and why on earth would he need therapy. ... he doesn't have a problem.

So that just leaves me getting my ___ together and getting ready to leave.

I am soo not happy here... . he avoids me so he can sit down stairs and drink... . I'm tired of parenting a 56year old man who for the last 33 years has pointed out I'm not his mother. .but wants EVERYTHING done for him.

Like I said... . it's the beginning of the end.

[janey62]

Hi Froggy,

Confidence and self esteem will come along when you start to take steps towards getting a life for yourself.  Thankfully in our time women have many opportunities to grow and to be independent. There's a whole world out there, and you've already made a start by confiding in others and writing here.

You seem to be between a rock and a hard place at the moment because you can't stay and you're afraid of leaving, but the hard place isn't as hard as it seems.  Once you start putting in the action and getting your ___ together it will all happen... .

You've had so much to put up with for such a long time, and you sound like you've had enough.  Be brave and just put one foot in front of the other without looking too far ahead.  The way I coped with my recent horrific situation and my fear about the future was to ask myself, 'how am I now, at this moment?'  It really helped because the panic would ease and I would be able to breathe again knowing that at this moment I have a place to live, food to eat and people around me who cared. 

I gave up my job/home and moved to another part of the country to live with my pwBPD and he kicked me out on the second day.  His symptoms suddenly escalated with the move.  I was alone in a strange place with nowhere to live and no job!  There was a lot of panic, and he would desperately want me back one day then push me away the next, drinking more and more.  It took some time and planning but I now have a job and my own place in another town and am slowly getting my life back.  I've left him behind and although I'm not strictly 'no contact', I don't have any time for him. 

You'll be ok if you keep going and don't give in to your fears.  The only thing that will stop you is your own head, so get as much help and support with that as you can... . by talking it out.  You are brave and strong and you are an amazing woman, you've kept a family together, brought up 2 kids and put up with living with this man all these years, you can do anything!   


Janey xx

[froggy]

Janey

Thanx for the pep talk... . I'm great at giving them to others but not so much at giving them to myself.

Change started 18 months ago... lost 50lbs... grew my hair out... bought new clothes... . I've put myself off the list of importance for a very long time.

Changed enough that people I haven't seen in awhile don't recognize me.

Had a friend tell me 6 months ago that maybe the problem isn't that H doesn't see my worth. .maybe the problem is "I" can't see it. Was a real eye opener.

Been really thinking on WHY it's so hard to just leave.

I know in year 1 it was because everyone thought I'd fail... everyone thought I was a screw up... . so I wanted to prove them wrong.

I know in year 4 it was because I thought no one else would want me and I thought I was stuck.

I know in year 10 it was be cause I had 2 kids under 2 and no way to support myself and who whould want to take that on.

I know at year 23 when I sent him to stay with his parents I didn't want him back... but let his Mother talk me into it even though she even saw that there is something wrong with him... took him back cause it was the right thing to do.

I know I've stayed all this time because it's the right thing to do... . I use to be the screw up... Everyone expected it only to last a year... . but I'm stubborn and proved them all wrong to my own and my childres detriment.

I proven to myself I CAN support myself... I've worked 2 or 3 jobs to support the family when he was out of work.

I know I'm capable. ... my health isn't good... but it's been bad a long time.

The walls are pretty high on this rutt I'm in... gonna take a while to scale them... . I CAN see light now.

Learning about BPD has been a big help... being on here as well... the knowledge that he isn't capable of loving me was a big push to get out... . he's an alcoholic with the emotional capability of a 3 year old. ... there is no sexual attraction left and sex is just awful when he does decide to grace me with the privalage.

I know his reality of me is not the true picture... no one is as flawed as he sees me.

Soo I've been thinking... . why so scared?

Scared of being the bad guy... scared of being a failure. .both failing my marriage and if I can't make it on my own.

I think right now I'm really mourning the loss of what I never had... all the time and effort I put into it over the last 33 years ... a lot of lost years... . I lost a lot of myself... gave up so much.

I owe him in some ways... . I was on my way to being severely disordered myself when I met him at 16... . he forced me to have to grow up and not focus on myself... one of us had to be the grownup.

I KNOW he doesn't love me... he's not capable. .but I also KNOW what leaving will do to him. I think that's why it's so hard to leave... . why it would be easier when he's had a melt down... . then he'd be the bad guy... He'd be the one responsible. ... . I guess I really am the selfish cold hearted  b*tch he says I am.

[janey62]

No, I don't think you're selfish or cold hearted... .

Fear is a powerful thing, and even though it's been awful for you all these years, it's what you know and what you've grown used to. 

I understand the fear of failure, after so many years having to admit defeat must be hard, but it will be harder to look back in another 33 years and realise that you wasted your life on someone who, in your words, isn't capable of loving you... .

I think the sad fact that we have to inevitably face when in this situation is that we have to survive, and in order to do that we have to stop carrying them, stop feeling responsible for them and put them down in order that we can live, survive, thrive again... . The pwBPD is going to do what they're going to do anyway, if you're being there and trying to love him was going to make him happy, make him well, then it would have happened by now. 

You just need to take care of you, its your turn.

I like the sound of the changes you've been making.  Doesn't it feel good? 

Janey xx