Boundaries erased...

[Depression = 72% of members]

I recognize now that during my r/s with my ex I lacked the skills for creating healthy boundaries with my partner. She was unable to maintain any proper boundaries each and every time we would split and so I believe the recycles occurred, certainly more easily at first but none the less the relationship drifted and boundaries were pretty much non existent .

The last 2 breakups I seemed to recognize that it was important to be stronger and more healthy by setting them and making sure they were respected.

I was adamant this final time that the only way to really accomplish that with her was by going full NC and being diligent with doing so.

Sometimes in thinking about the course of our 4 years together, I remember having discussions when she would say to me that I was seemingly putting up walls around myself and not letting her in... . as I look back at it now and by being able to look at it from outside the r/s , I wonder if I was confusing--boundary setting with actual shutting her out or creating walls around myself.   Was I trying to protect myself in an unhealthy way by not letting her in? Was I subconsciously recognizing red flags during these times?

I write about this because I posted here last night that I broke NC and it seemed to set off a flurry of emails stating that my non communication was hurtful to her. I saw first hand what can happen when those boundaries disappear and she hurled messages at me in a barrage of one liners. Along with her possible projecting how she felt onto me. It was so abusive and by opening that door that tiny bit... . she took full advantage of being able to break through... .

I'm not sure if this belongs on this particular board... . or maybe L6 but I wanted to share with others here as I posted here last night for support... . and all were so helpful.

I plan on working on this with my T as I recognize that I have many issues myself with setting healthy boundaries.

I was able to ignore, deflect and turn off her assault of emails but certainly not before she inflicted some very big hurt and pain... .

I try and remain strong... . and am grateful for ALL here for their encouragement and support

[Cimbaruns]

I recognize now that during my r/s with my ex I lacked the skills for creating healthy boundaries with my partner. She was unable to maintain any proper boundaries each and every time we would split and so I believe the recycles occurred, certainly more easily at first but none the less the relationship drifted and boundaries were pretty much non existent .

The last 2 breakups I seemed to recognize that it was important to be stronger and more healthy by setting them and making sure they were respected.

I was adamant this final time that the only way to really accomplish that with her was by going full NC and being diligent with doing so.

Sometimes in thinking about the course of our 4 years together, I remember having discussions when she would say to me that I was seemingly putting up walls around myself and not letting her in... . as I look back at it now and by being able to look at it from outside the r/s , I wonder if I was confusing--boundary setting with actual shutting her out or creating walls around myself.   Was I trying to protect myself in an unhealthy way by not letting her in? Was I subconsciously recognizing red flags during these times?

I write about this because I posted here last night that I broke NC and it seemed to set off a flurry of emails stating that my non communication was hurtful to her. I saw first hand what can happen when those boundaries disappear and she hurled messages at me in a barrage of one liners. Along with her possible projecting how she felt onto me. It was so abusive and by opening that door that tiny bit... . she took full advantage of being able to break through... .

I'm not sure if this belongs on this particular board... . or maybe L6 but I wanted to share with others here as I posted here last night for support... . and all were so helpful.

I plan on working on this with my T as I recognize that I have many issues myself with setting healthy boundaries.

I was able to ignore, deflect and turn off her assault of emails but certainly not before she inflicted some very big hurt and pain... .

I try and remain strong... . and am grateful for ALL here for their encouragement and support

[Allmessedup]

"Sometimes in thinking about the course of our 4 years together, I remember having discussions when she would say to me that I was seemingly putting up walls around myself and not letting her in... . as I look back at it now and by being able to look at it from outside the r/s , I wonder if I was confusing--boundary setting with actual shutting her out or creating walls around myself.   Was I trying to protect myself in an unhealthy way by not letting her in? Was I subconsciously recognizing red flags  during these times?"

This spoke to me hugely this morning!  My relationship with my ex was almost 4 years.  And she often said that our problems arose because I was not letting her past my walls.

I thought that she was projecting her walls on me... . but perhaps I was trying to protect myself by shutting her out by placing walls around myself.

This is intriguing to me.  And in all honesty I suspect it was a combination of both things.  I have poor boundaries, but I do have the need to protect myself that I can recognize.

However that being said, I also see that she could not stand it when I placed any boundaries whatsoever... . even healthy ones.  For her it felt like I was withdrawing.

My ex walked out on me.  She choose the no contact yet she has raged at me for it ( albeit passive aggressively)  I chose to keep the no contact in place for both of our sakes!

I am sorry you are going thru this... . you are doing all the right things by ignoring what you can and meeting with your T.  And I know all too well it hurts, but perhaps this break of no contact and her "taking full advantage" will help you to remember why going nc was so important

[Surnia]

Cimbaruns

very interesting thoughts about boundaries and it rings true for me. My awareness for boundaries was very weak and blurry and being "not there" was definitely one of my strategies. No fences and a mousewhole to hide. I had prior partners who pointed this out - I didn't got it fully than. It was my exh who acted way beyond normal respect which let me realize about boundaries. 

Keep going, Cimbaruns, its really something important. 

[Cimbaruns]

Allmessedup

I find it intriguing also... . the gray area of "putting up walls" and creating boundaries.

Obviously there is a lot to learn about myself here...

A step ahead in growth and understanding...

I think back and remember the fact that my ex shared so much personal information early on... . I guess thinking that if I didn't RUN ant that point that she could keep going with the apparent violations of my boundaries (or if I even had any ability to set them).

A huge red flag as I think back... .

She was testing me and I failed miserably... .

I put the walls up (I think anyway) at times when things got too heavy... . and because I was totally enmeshed in her at the time and hooked I could distinguish between the two.!

My ex walked out on me as well... . and by the sounds of last night... . this crazy emailing would have been going on constantly if I had allowed it

Although she's in a r/s with her old ex and someone new... . she still finds it necessary to treat me this way... . so dysfunctional

I do realize how important this NC really is

Surnia

Thanks for the reply.

I do most definately think this is extremely important... . the maintaining NC

I think that those that waver here or those that are new to all of this... . so many can reinforce the need to to this... . for their ability to recognize its importance and ability to move ahead in their journey

[GreenMango]

Cimbaruns

what were the boundaries she felt were blocking her out?

[seeking balance]

It took me  a while to "get" boundaries are a sign of love and compassion - for self and the person in relation to us.

Boundaries can still feel odd to me now, but I have accepted this as ok.  I have a right to say no and I can also change my mind... . what a concept!

I have gotten really good at noticing FOG in myself - if I am not sure - I simple say I don't know and process it now.  It sounds so simple, but doing this has been life changing.

Good stuff Cimbaruns - your T will dig in with you on the root causes is my guess.

[GreenMango]

I also had the same experience with SB.  It took me time to get a handle on them and assess if they were healthy ones.

This is a common denominator among many people here.

[Allmessedup]

Funny, my ex admitted to testing me.  She said I passed... . but I think I failed myself honestly.

The emeshment became so complete, the drama was so intense, the stories were so horrific

I am in so many ways grateful to be done with all of that!   I am craving peace in a huge way!

Boundaries are hard for me, but slowing myself down and thinking first... . being mindful has helped considerably and brings that peace I am craving!

Thanks so much for your post,  it has given me a lot to think about today

[Cimbaruns]

Green Mango

I think you're asking what boundaries I was trying to set for myself toward her... . or what wall I had been erecting to protect myself?

I think back to the early stages of our r/s and I think I was reluctant to share as much personal info as she was willing to do... . so I put up walls... .

Later on those walls became blurred and confused as we progressed through the r/s...

I felt I couldn't say no to anything she said... . I was all about letting the boundaries cease to exist and it became all about her and her happiness

Now I look and see from outside of it ... . that I had a voice in it and I refused to use it and therefore she could easily abuse those boundaries for her own neediness.

A subject of utmost importance in my recovery now

Does that make sense? 

[GreenMango]

Totally.

i was just wondering which ones you were second guessing... . like not sharing of personal info too soon.  That seems pretty normal to me to share slowly and not come out the gates oversharing.

People with poor boundaries tend to over share too quickly or too soon.  Too intimate too soon so to speak.

[myself]

People with poor boundaries tend to over share too quickly or too soon.  Too intimate too soon so to speak.

Also, too much too often. Becomes a problem not a solution.