Anyone work with their EX?

[Tolou]

I was curious for those that work with their EX?

Luckily I don't need to interact with her at all to do my job.  I have been no-contact for 8months now, I havent't said a word, sometimes try not to even look at her.  Isee her 4-5 times a week, sometimes less.  I'm not planning on talking to her but just feel akward sometimes but know that I am doing what's best for me after everything that happened.  I still have some things I'm working out inside haven't been the same since her suicide attempts and constant threats.  But fortunately, I ignored her so much she started to do the same thing once she saw it was real, that I was and am done.

How have others handled working with an ex?  Seeing her has helped in ways because I see her for who she is but it also makes the process a lttle more dificult?

[Clearmind]

How is the detaching going?

[LA4610]

I work with my ex twice a week. It is and has been very very hard for me. Like you, I don't have to communicate with her for any reason and I just ignore her. Still, it can be very tough. What have you done to help yourself cope? For me, increasing my therapy sessions to twice a week has been helpful. Also, immediately removing myself from a situation where I can overhear her conversations has really allowed me to clear my mind.

[LA4610]

sometimes try not to even look at her

I never make eye contact with her (as recommended by my therapist). Her eyes are so seductive.

[Tolou]

Honestly it's hard.  But sometimes I just remember the reasons why I left and went no-contact.  My life was becoming miserable.

I avoid eye contact because I feel like I a looking at a lost puppy sometimes aking for help.  Other times when I have made eye contact I saw nothing in her, that's so wierd.  To cope, I just continue to stay away and remind myself I will not be at this job forever.  Secondly, I absolutely tried my best to help and be supportive, it was like talking with a kid.

Sometimes, I over hear her talking and laughing, and I hear her voice shift, almost like into a kid and those are the moments that remind me, she is not okay.  I haven't been to therapy but I have luckily had some good rational supportive people to confide in.

[Tolou]

clearmind-

Detaching, I think I have done a good job with, considering the storm I went through.  I am really in a much better place than I was 1 year ago.  Sometimes though, I feel as if I haven't fully finished the grieving process.  I really feel like it was a death that I experienced with someone close to me, but having to see her hasn't made easier. For some people their lucky, they can go no-contact and not see or hear them, I have to see her all the time.

[LA4610]

I avoid eye contact because I feel like I a looking at a lost puppy sometimes aking for help.  Other times when I have made eye contact I saw nothing in her, that's so wierd.  To cope, I just continue to stay away and remind myself I will not be at this job forever.  Secondly, I absolutely tried my best to help and be supportive, it was like talking with a kid.

Sometimes, I over hear her talking and laughing, and I hear her voice shift, almost like into a kid and those are the moments that remind me, she is not okay

This is almost as if I wrote it. I have experienced the exact same thing! i have seen that "nothing in her" when i have made eye contact. it is like looking into someone without a soul. soo weird.

[LA4610]

clearmind-

For some people their lucky, they can go no-contact and not see or hear them, I have to see her all the time.

if she is anything like mine, she is gorgeous. that doesn't make it any easier either.

[crazied_on]

Sometimes, I over hear her talking and laughing, and I hear her voice shift, almost like into a kid and those are the moments that remind me, she is not okay

Bingo.  The shift in voice to where she sounds like a child.  Mine did that at times and she sounded like a 7 year old little girl talking to her daddy (reminds me when my daughter was 7).  Its creepy.  The last time it happened was after she took a shower she laid on the bed rubbing lotion all over her naked body.  Mind you she is absolutely beautiful.  While she was doing that she was speaking like a child.  As my T said she was putting on this innocent seeming show because she was trying to seduce me.  This was the day after a rage fit.  My T said the speaking like a child meant that she was severely regressing back into her inner child.  Because their emotional development is that of a 7 or 8 yr old.  It was very creepy and NOT very seductive.

[Tolou]

She is beautiful.

And when she does retreat to that childlike voice- it is wasn't always to seduce, I don't think they always realize it is happening because it is coming so naturally.  When I pointed it out once, she kind of felt embarrasses and gave me that, poor me look.

It is important to show them sometime... . I would ask, "did you notice your tone of voice changed when you said"... .

The whole child like thing, it was a complete turn off for me personally, attractive or not, it just doesn't feel right I feel like I am interacting with a child and that didn't work for me.

It is a complete regression, they need help to outgrow that.

[crazied_on]

tolou -

Unfortunately they will never out grow it.  It IS key to their their disorder.  Their emotional development stopped around the age of a 6-8 yr old.  Thats why they split, project, tandrums, irrational, etc.  When you say in fact you could look at her and see it was REAL for her - yes I noticed that too everything she claimed, thought at first felt like manipulation but then I could see how real it was and how deep it went with her.  That was what got ne to believe that it was me doing this to her.  of course until I learned what three nasty dirty leters was  . . . . . BPD.   

[crazied_on]

Also, yes the extreme beaty of her makes it so much harder.  Not sure why though because when she splits me black I see a demon.  But when things are white she gleams all out beauty.  Ugggg.  This is hard.

[Tolou]

I hear you, it is hard. But it isn't our fault, the more you stay the harder it can get.  I am happy I left when I did, it was difficult, I had no idea what was coming... . But I weathered the worst of it, I believe that.  I think that the boundaries that I have now, she can't get past, she see's it too she knows I know.  The last time we spoke over 8 months ago, she admitted to me she was in therapy 3 days a week.  She also stated "you must think I'm a 3 year old", "you don't want to hang with me"?

I told her no, I don't want to be responsible for your life or your happiness and I just need to do what is best for me now... . DIFFICULT. But it was the right thing for me I know that.

[GreenMango]

Tolou I worked with mine.  It wasn't easy.

It takes willful detaching and not just waxing nostalgic on just the good things.  Step 1 of the detaching steps is acknowledgment.  Look I ng at what you've been through and those feelings.

You mentioned the suicide attempts.   That is extraordinarily stressful to go thru.  I'm sure there are other things that when you think back which were difficult with this person.

It sounds like you may have some feelings for her.  Maybe sorting thru them, as in step 1, can give you some perspective on what you are dealing with when you do have to see her?

[Clearmind]

clearmind-

Detaching, I think I have done a good job with, considering the storm I went through.  I am really in a much better place than I was 1 year ago.  Sometimes though, I feel as if I haven't fully finished the grieving process.  I really feel like it was a death that I experienced with someone close to me, but having to see her hasn't made easier. For some people their lucky, they can go no-contact and not see or hear them, I have to see her all the time.

It certainly is grief we go through and Tolou NC does not help you detach.

I have seen it countless times here on the board where members are NC for a year or two and then see them - they come back here and post devastated. Work on detaching rather than concerning yourself with NC.

[Tolou]

Green Mango-

I do still have feelings, I can't deny that all.  It was a diificult thing for me to walk away from someone I care about who was in as much distress as she was, but I couldn't live that anymore. It was draining and eating me up.  I have tried my best to keep myself busy with working on myself and seeking healthier relationships, one which I have found.  But having to see is like an every day reminder.

Clearmind- and G Mango-

what exactly are the steps towards detaching?

I am sure I have done the acknowledgement part... .

[LA4610]

  But having to see is like an every day reminder.

I struggle with this too. I took 3 weeks off of work and felt great. It was like she was a distant memory. When I went back to work there she was... . a reminder. It can be so hard.

I can feel myself detaching in certain ways. I no longer want nor care to know what she is doing with her life. I am focused on ME.