How many times?

[Andora3]

My BPD boyfriend once again broke up with me over a month ago although we still live together.  I have the long version of my story posted in my introduction.  I've just been leaving him alone for the most part.  He just wrote to me on Skype, "I know this is the last thing you want in the world but we really need to talk tonight.  I will try to clear my thoughts and write them down so i can make sure they make sense and I don't miss anything. I will send you an email in a little while so you can think it over and we can TALK about when I get home".

This is exactly what happens whenever he wants to tell me how much he hates me, doesn't want to be together anymore, doesn't love me anymore, etc.  But he already did that last month... . so now what?

Of course my heart sank when I got this message like always.  I thought we were already "broken up" in his mind already?  Maybe this time it is more for real.  What is the best way to handle this?  How many times can this man break my heart?  :'(

[Andora3]

I just saw a message that he wrote to his best friend that he spent the weekend with.  He wrote that "today is the day he drops the bomb.  Besides, he's already gotten a bunch of likes on tinder (a dating app)." 

He already broke up with me and now he's going to break up with me again?  I'm tempted to just not be home to deal with the madness or should I try to talk with him?  For whatever reason I still want to be with this man    

[Andora3]

Ok, well he wrote me an email.  He cheated on me on his trip and had sex with a girl at a club.  I'm done. 

[waver]

Hello Andora,



Isn't it possible that he is testing your boundaries?

[Andora3]

I suppose he could be.  What should I do?  He wrote me a very long email that he hooked up with a girl this week on his trip and he doesn't feel bad about it.  he said he will never marry me and   I finally blew up and at him because I can't take this anymore.  I told him that I was going to tell his parents.  And he asked me how could I do that when they have done so much for me?   


We are dating, but the country I am in there is a law that I technically own half of our condo, etc. similar to a common law marriage. 

[Andora3]

Update:  Now I do think he is test my boundaries.  I have seen several messages to his closest friends saying that he told me he cheated because he wanted me to break up with him, but didn't really cheat.  How do I proceed with this if I live with him?  Usually, I just ignore his outbursts, but cheating is one of my boundaries.  Even if he didn't do it, he told me that he did.

[maxsterling]

Wow.  Sounds like he is quite the manipulator?  I have a question - how are you seeing his messages?  It sounds like he isn't being to secretive, and probably wants you to see them.   Is he diagnosed with BPD and does has he received any kind of therapy?  Do you see any kind of therapist yourself? Certainly stick to your boundaries.  I know what it's like being in love with someone who constantly tests your boundaries - exhausting. 

[Andora3]

I'm seeing the messages because he leaves his computer on during the day with facebook.  He's also telling people now that he was trying not to hurt me, but he hasn't had feelings for me for a year and just didn't want me to look bad.  I don't know if he knows I am seeing them or not. 

I finally posted on facebook that I am single.  I know this seems immature, but he told me he would do it when he got home and to hide my status (like he ALWAYS says)... but I'm fed up with him calling my bluff and so I ended it  publicly on facebook.  I'm kind of embarrassed now because I don't like causing a scene, but  I just finally broke down as I'm too exhausted to keep trying anymore.  He knew cheating would do it for me since I've told him in the past.  All I try to do everyday is deal with the horrible things he throws my way, but he keeps pushing and he pushed too far this time. 

I'm not in therapy, but I would like to be because I feel I can no longer deal with this myself.  I've tried to get him to talk to someone with me in the past, but he refused telling me to stop telling me that he doesn't love me and to stop telling him how to feel 

[Andora3]

I tried to talk to him when he came home from work, but I very clearly stated that I was not okay with the fact that he slept with someone else.  He once again would not listen to me for more than five minutes without having a major breakdown.  He said I'm dead to him.  He was screaming and crying because I told people that he cheated on me and we broke up.  He said he would never say anything bad about me & now everyone will think he's horrible.  He went on a fit that he can never look at me again and that I betrayed him.  He said that now I made it so he can't help me anymore and I need to leave.  He locked himself in a room and was scratching himself and screaming.  He was talking to himself and repeatedly trying to get a hold of his parents. (It's always crucial that he talks to them when he has an episode).

Ugh, I felt bad and I didn't want him to do something stupid.  He was inconsolable.  I tried to tell him that I didn't tell anyone he cheated.  He started packing all of his things. I got scared and finally told him that he hurt me very badly, but I will be civil to him.  I am disappointed in myself, but I didn't want it to escalate.  He finally calmed down and told me he wants to know my plans by Sunday, but he doesn't want to be with me now.   

I know this is very unhealthy, but I someone still have feelings for this man.    Seeing him cry like that made me very upset.  How does he keep sucking me in?  This very much reminds me of the severe episode he had two years ago. 

[Andora3]

He is also not even remotely sorry for cheating and told me he did it for the sole purpose that we would never be together again.  He seems to have no concept that this was a hurtful thing to do because it didn't hurt him.

[waver]

Andora,

I'm so sorry that you have to struggle with this situation. We all know how hard it is.

Try to calm down. If you have the possibility, seek for a therapist for yourself firstly. And read the Lessons and the posts, these are very useful to learn how to communicate when your pwBPD collapses.

Withdraw yourself from this "I hate you, don't leave me" behaviour a bit... .  

Give some time for both of you. It is easier to make a decision when you have insight into things.

 waver

[MissTajo]

Have you considered to move on?

Are you happy living like this?

[sharlock]

I have found a really good therapist.  Ive seen her 3 times, but I'm scheduled to see her every two weeks until I'm "better".  She's teaching me to separate out my feelings for this man from MYSELF.  When things are bad with him I tend to get caught up in a roller coaster of emotions - anything from love to total disgust.  Therapy allows me to take a step back from him and realize what *I'm* thinking/feeling vs. getting entwined in his BPD world.  Hard for me to explain... .   Now when an emotion arises I try to recognize it, acknowledge it, listen to it and then set it aside.  In other words, I try not to let the feeling consume me.  This is really hard but I will talk to myself/my emotion and then I feel a whole lot better.  This seems to be helping me make better decisions everyday regarding to stay or leave... .   My goal of therapy is to make a decision (stay or leave) and to be at total peace with it. I haven't been able to do this on my own. 

[sharlock]

Andora, I also wanted to share one quote that I read to keep me on track: 

"Pain clouds our vision".

[Andora3]

Well it's been over a week now since this all happened.  Since then, he's signed up for EVERY dating site there is and has messaged literally hundreds of girls.  Apparently not very many have replied.  He's also made a point to go out every night.  I have ignored his behavior and when he went on a business trip for 3 days this week I didn't even call him.

When he came home (on wed) he was acting like a completely different person.  I thought he actually came around.  He told me how much he missed me and we watched tv together, spent the whole night together and cuddled.  He was teasing me and flirting with me.  This is very unusual because he has been spending every night in his office on his computer for over a month now.  We also almost had sex (but he said he was worried, I guess because of the cheating?) :'( 

Then the next day (yesterday) he was completely cold again.  It was like yesterday never happened.  He didn't come home from the office until after midnight.  When he came home he got angry that I didn't tell him we had leftover pasta.  He said he could have been eating it for days.  I reminded him that he had been gone on a trip since last night. He told me that he had been back for days already... this made me very concerned.  He has also been messaging random girls now on facebook and searching for "female friends of his friends".  I asked him if he would like to go out this weekend (we met on St. Patrick's Day) and he said, "NO THANK YOU".  He is now going to a party tonight even though I'm not feeling well.  It seems like he is hyper sexual and very desperate to find ANY woman.  He also claims not to have any money, but he's going out and spending it like water on new clothes, clubbing, etc. l  I am very concerned.

I really want to stay with him, but I don't know how much more I can take.  He seemed to respond to me not talking to him, but it only lasted a day and now he's back to acting like a stranger and chasing random women.  It hurts me so much to see him like this.  I really don't want to leave the country because I know that when I do I will lose him forever and I do think he will be heart broken too.  Does it sound like he's really lost interest for good?    Otherwise, I am willing to try a little longer... . any other suggestions I can try?

[In_n_Out]

I would suggest that the questions that you need to look deep inside your heart and ask are: "do you see him making a sudden 180 change that includes treating you with kindness, love and respect; to include NOT chasing other women, lying and manipulating and if you say that the answer is 'yes, I think that he could do that' then ask yourself "what steps has he taken to show that he is willing to do that?".

[Cloudy Days]

I see a lot of what you write is being worried about him and his well being. You both agreed at one point that things were over between the two of you and you seem to be clinging to him with everything you have. I see that you sort of want to, but you are very wrapped up in him and how he feels about you. Have you ever looked into any information about Codependency? He's doing so many things that are hurting you, he's showing you that he doesn't care about you anymore and you are still trying to make the relationship work when he seems to have given up on it. What is your biggest fear when you think about leaving him? Is it about him or is it about you? I think Andora needs some self love and some self reflection about what is best for you. What do you really want and is it possible to achieve it while with him assuming he doesn't change.

I am very Codependent and I know I get caught up in thinking about my Husband. Codependents will make the relationship more important than their actual self. It seems like you are making this relationship more important than your well being. I think most of us on here have done that, it's why we are in these relationships. Anyways, I am telling you this because it wasn't until I started reading about Codependency and how my mind thinks that I actually woke up and wanted things to change. So much so that I am ok if this relationship has to end. It really sounds to me like he is trying to get you to end the relationship because he doesn't have the guts to do it. He cheated on you thinking it would break you enough to leave but you aren't taking the bait. Why is it ok for him to cheat on you?