Thoughts about my FOO and ex BPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have been doing so much introspection here lately.  It help me cope when I start thinking about her to put the focus back on myself... .

Yesterday I was very very angry and I couldn't understand why... . so I started free journaling and just wrote whatever came into my head.  Needless to say it was all about my fathers abandonment of me as a preteen, (he left us for another woman when I was 12... . We ended up getting our car repossessed, had to move etc... . my whole lifestyle changed).  But that was not what I was so angry about... .

I was holding a whole lot of rage at my mother for how she dealt with it.  How she treated me then... how she treats me now... . how she demanded that I side with her in the divorce... . huge guilt if I ever went to see him... . she effectively made me her substitute for my sisters and the house keeping, how she withheld her love when she was angry.  The list and the words that she said are endless... . She still hates my father to this day... . some 30 years later with both being remarried!

I was way angry... . and also schocked when I read what I had written.

But when I was looking at it I saw I had essentially recreated my relationship with my ex similarly to my relationship with my mother.  I respond emotionally to my ex like that very damaged preteen.  I looked to her for advice, I looked to her for support, I looked to her for validation.  I treated her like I was expected to treat my mom as well.  I manipulated to get what I needed.  I did everything I could to make her happy so she would in turn meet my needs.  I defused arguments and took all sorts of abuse because I felt I deserved it.  When she did the whole withdrawal thing I responded similarly to how I did at age 12... . Sobbing uncontrollably getting angry.  It was like the emotional maturity just flew out the freaking window.

So many similarities I saw and it scared me to think I could go back to that time of my life so willingly.  She is ten years older than I am... I looked up to her... I respected her... . but she treated me a lot like my mother did/does.  She and my mom are both waifs.  She has more hermit traits and my mother most definately has more narcisstic traits... . but so much was the same!

I sobbed for a long time after reading what I had screamed into my journal... . and today I fell just numb.

I am not sure where to go from here... . so I thought I would seek advice from those that have gone thru this before... .

[Allmessedup]

I have been doing so much introspection here lately.  It help me cope when I start thinking about her to put the focus back on myself... .

Yesterday I was very very angry and I couldn't understand why... . so I started free journaling and just wrote whatever came into my head.  Needless to say it was all about my fathers abandonment of me as a preteen, (he left us for another woman when I was 12... . We ended up getting our car repossessed, had to move etc... . my whole lifestyle changed).  But that was not what I was so angry about... .

I was holding a whole lot of rage at my mother for how she dealt with it.  How she treated me then... how she treats me now... . how she demanded that I side with her in the divorce... . huge guilt if I ever went to see him... . she effectively made me her substitute for my sisters and the house keeping, how she withheld her love when she was angry.  The list and the words that she said are endless... . She still hates my father to this day... . some 30 years later with both being remarried!

I was way angry... . and also schocked when I read what I had written.

But when I was looking at it I saw I had essentially recreated my relationship with my ex similarly to my relationship with my mother.  I respond emotionally to my ex like that very damaged preteen.  I looked to her for advice, I looked to her for support, I looked to her for validation.  I treated her like I was expected to treat my mom as well.  I manipulated to get what I needed.  I did everything I could to make her happy so she would in turn meet my needs.  I defused arguments and took all sorts of abuse because I felt I deserved it.  When she did the whole withdrawal thing I responded similarly to how I did at age 12... . Sobbing uncontrollably getting angry.  It was like the emotional maturity just flew out the freaking window.

So many similarities I saw and it scared me to think I could go back to that time of my life so willingly.  She is ten years older than I am... I looked up to her... I respected her... . but she treated me a lot like my mother did/does.  She and my mom are both waifs.  She has more hermit traits and my mother most definately has more narcisstic traits... . but so much was the same!

I sobbed for a long time after reading what I had screamed into my journal... . and today I fell just numb.

I am not sure where to go from here... . so I thought I would seek advice from those that have gone thru this before... .

[LettingGo14]

I don't know that I have the answer, but I have started the process of some "inner child" work, reading and listening to John Bradshaw.   I know that I got enmeshed in my relationship in unhealthy ways because of patterns developed in childhood.  I am trying to journal as well to see if I can uncover anything.  But the Bradshaw materials have been helpful.   At least in terms of framing how to approach inner child work.   

[seeking balance]

I sobbed for a long time after reading what I had screamed into my journal... . and today I fell just numb.

I am not sure where to go from here... . so I thought I would seek advice from those that have gone thru this before... .

AMU - grieving our childhoods is no easy task... . of course you are numb today 

What you do?  Put one foot in front of the other, breathe, treat yourself very gently as you just experienced a very real trauma.

Facing this childhood pain is a process, emotional maturity comes from reality - we can only do better when we look at the past with eyes wide open ... . then we connect the dots to our responses as adults... . it is sobering - but, oh, so freeing.

What makes you feel safe as an adult?  Getting a massage, hot bath, walk in nature?  Focus on self-soothing your inner child in healthy ways.

I don't know that I have the answer, but I have started the process of some "inner child" work, reading and listening to John Bradshaw.   I know that I got enmeshed in my relationship in unhealthy ways because of patterns developed in childhood.  I am trying to journal as well to see if I can uncover anything.  But the Bradshaw materials have been helpful.   At least in terms of framing how to approach inner child work.   

Bradshaw is a pioneer in this work, maybe talk with your T about using some of his tools too.

AMU - courage is opening our hearts, you did that here - be very proud of where you are emotionally.

Peace,

SB

[Allmessedup]

Thank you both!

I just ordered the homecoming book for my ipad.  I will begin it tonight!  Thank you!

Thanks sb for the validation... . most times I feel like I am improving emotionally, but then I have plenty of days of doubt in which I just want to stuff all of these emotions down and pretend they never happened... . I am really quite good at doing that. 

I know however that will only perpetuate the problem... . but it's just that doing all of this can be so hard too.  I needed that validation hugely today.

I think that I will practice my yoga today... . that goes a long way in helping me feel more centered and safe.  I haven't done much yoga lately as I have been working off so much anger on the treadmill and weights.  It will be good to get back to the centering it brings.

Are there any other books or resources either of you would recommend?  I explained in an earlier post I am unable to work with a t at this time so any ideas would be greatly appreciated

Thanks again... .

Amu

[dontknow2]

Hi Allmessedup,

Are there any other books or resources either of you would recommend?

I know you directed the question to sb and letgo. In case you are open to others , I highly recommend When the Past is Present by David Richo. It was one of the best books I've ever read. It helped me see the value in the "awakening" triggered by my relationship and experienced through the grieving process.

I am so sorry you were hurt as a child. The healing process is taking a long time for me but well worth the effort and pain.

Please take care. 

[LettingGo14]

I highly recommend When the Past is Present by David Richo. It was one of the best books I've ever read. It helped me see the value in the "awakening" triggered by my relationship and experienced through the grieving process.

I downloaded this one dontknow2.  Thank you!

[Allmessedup]

Thank you don't know2!  I will add that to my ipad.  Thanks for chiming in with the recommendation!  It's so hard to know what books are good and helpful during this journey!  To hear positives from others if fantastic!

[Lucky Jim]

Hey allmessedup,

I admire your courage to undertake free journaling as a way to tap into your subconscious, and it seems like your efforts were incredibly productive.  No doubt we all seek out familiar patterns in our r/s, and I suspect that I married a pwBPD in part because it recreated the dynamic between my mother and father, which I was drawn to on some subconscious level. 

Some say that we look to our relationships to resolve issues that went unresolved by our parents, and perhaps this had something to do with my attraction to my BPDxW, too.  Having endured some hellish years of marriage, I have gotten that need (to resolve my parents' issues) out of my system and no longer have any desire for that kind of drama any more.  It's nice to go home at night without girding for battle, in my view.  Boring is peaceful to me these days.

Two books that I have found helpful are:

Iron John, by Robert Bly; and

Wherever You Go, There You Are, by Jon Kabat-Zinn.

Keep up the good work!

Lucky Jim

[seeking balance]

Great info from all.

If I had to summarize what I found the "full circle" recovery it would be:

- FOO, childhood stuff - core trauma grief

- FOO, codependency traits

- Rebuilding a healthy self (core values, actions in alignment)

- Spiritual development and mindfulness

- Daily Practice

Not necessarily in that order, but addressing them all will give a launching pad for a healthier today.

Peace,

SB

[Allmessedup]

Thanks everyone.  I downloaded the first two books that were recommended and have the others in my "cart". Thanks so much for the suggestions!

I started bradshaws book last night and did so e visual meditation on my "baby self". It was very powerful for me but I didn't really break down and cry.  (I work alone... . my clients were sound asleep)

However today I had a horribly disturbing dream about feeding a wolf with who I *think* was my ex and getting trapped by it.  I woke up screaming as the wolf was attacking my throat... . it was only held back by her by a very thin string... . like fishing line.

Needless to say it was traumatic for me... .

I have this incessant need to be in dialogue with my baby self right now and so after the dream I started reaffirming her.  Suddenly I was encompassed by waves of horrible grief... . I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed...

I am thinking that the dream and the grief were directly connected to the inner child work I did last night.

Just wondered if anyone could share if they had a similar experience?

I have no t.  And I know that I am encouraged to share what I feel and learn thru the process... . I am hoping that doing that here is acceptable for this board?

My ex bday is on Thursday as well so that has been on a back burner in my mind.  Not something I am dwelling on, but it is there so I am guessing that played a role as well... .

Thanks for all the encouragement and most especially for listening

Amu

[seeking balance]

I am thinking that the dream and the grief were directly connected to the inner child work I did last night.

Just wondered if anyone could share if they had a similar experience?

yes it is very common to process this stuff in our sleep... . odd dreams, emotionally disturbing or just plain weird.

I have no t.  And I know that I am encouraged to share what I feel and learn thru the process... . I am hoping that doing that here is acceptable for this board?

This is the correct board... . is there a reason you don't have a T?  This is heavy stuff (as you can see through the tears), so if you do not have a T - please make sure you have a trusted "in person" friend who can be there just in case you feel the need to be around someone during processing.  This is an emotional journey - please make sure to be mindful to take good care of yourself - eat, sleep, exercise, pray or meditate - slow your life down while you do this if you can.

[Allmessedup]

Thank you sb for the validation... .

It is very heavy and intense stuff... . I am exhausted tonight and feeling very isolative.

This is something that I have to do on my own and with the help of these boards unfortunately.

I have no t because I am a psych nurse at our local mental health center.  My ex and I began our relationship at work.  She is no longer employed here but I am quite well known across the center.  For all the rules about hippa I do also know too many people here on a personal and professional level to seek therapy here.  The chance for gossip is simply too high.  I have considered some of the private therapists in the area, however my insurance will not cover them.

There was enough suspicion that we had a relationship as it was here at work... I do not need to even chance confirming that.

It gets even more complex when I share that I have four kids who do not know the status of our relationship then or now.  Nor does my family for that matter.

It was most definately a little fantasy world that we managed to create.  This was my first experience in homosexuality. (I was 36 when we got together)  She said that it was the same for her as well... . however I doubt that now looking back on everything. So I have the added complication of not having any clue even to my sexual identity at this point.

Anyway, we created this little fantasy world that no one knew about, and so my grief over it being over also has to be done in secret unfortunately. 

However, I can keep myself safe... . I am going slow.  Right now I have some serious trust issues and honestly the relationship did not lend itself to other relationships and I ended up isolating from all my friends because of it.   I am working on reestablishing those relationships however at this point in my life I am very much alone.

As u can see my moniker here fits me well... . but I am gonna change that.

Thank you as always for your words of wisdom

[dontknow2]

Allmessedup, If there is a university in your area, a Psychology clinic that charges on a sliding scale (some are very low in cost) might exist too. If so, it would be a doctorate student providing therapy but thought I would throw the idea out there as an alternative to a private therapist.