I found out that she is in a relationship.

[Ironmanrises]

I was sent an unsolicited message on Facebook by a mutual friend(more friends with me than her) stating "you were right" in reference to my exUBPDgf. I replied, "Told you." She than proceeded to tell me, "She is in a relationship with someone and is posting pictures of it all over social media to get attention. You were right." Upon reading that, it did get to me. Until she told me who the guy was. And than I laughed. The guy was one of those orbiter's who was constantly around even when I was just friends with her. He knows of me. He used to get mad and jealous when I would get all the attention from her and "hate" on me via subtle comments and such. I remember asking her when I was in round 1 about him, she told me "He is ugly and likes me." And clearly he is an ugly fellow, not attractive at all. Why she chose him? An easy mark. An easy target. And she is now flaunting the relationship all over social media(like she once did with me in round 1, I was hidden during round 2). He has NO IDEA the hell is in store for now. Her disorder is on full display in all its disturbing glory. And I feel sorry for him. And for her. Am I free of this mess? Well, when he triggers her disorder(and he will in x time), she will view him as all bad and most likely me as all good. He will experience what I experienced. Her cousin sending me that friend request the other day on facebook(and me not accepting after thorough investigation) also shows the timing of this. She just got into a relationship and is ALREADY sending feelers my way. I can imagine that when he experiences devaluation/discard, he will begin to wonder what really happened between me and her. And I can bet that what he has been told was far from the real truth. He will soon learn the meaning of BPD. Poor soul.

[NoCRV]

Hey Ironmanrises,

I can relate.  When I was with the ex we ran into her ex at a bar.  I was surprised because he was short and portly.  I mentioned it to her and she said, he wasn't like that when we went out.  After we broke up she recycled him.  She picked him because he was always available to her, the perennial back up plan.  The family told me he has mental issues (probably from her.)  At first I didn't know whether to be happy for him because he got what he wanted or sorry for him because he doesn't realize what he's getting.  Now I just wish them well.  They both have issues so it just may work out for those two crazy kids.

[Ironmanrises]

Always available. Exactly like this guy. He was always around. I guess it is his turn. Literally. Except, he really does not know what is in store for him. And I will not warn him. So in all these 8 months of NC, that is who replaced me(assuming there were no others). An unattractive fellow. A reflection of the constant validation she is craving.

[MrFox]

We sail in the same boat, Ironman.  I was replaced by a guy she strung along for two years.  Giving him just enough attention to keep him around.  Not a good looking guy, works a job that is usually reserved for high school and college kids.  Follows her around like a puppy dog, in the words of one of his friends. 

The funny thing is, I'm not surprised in the least that it was him that replaced me.  She used to refer to him as her "bhit" on occasion.  Raged at him several times that I know of, to the point of making him cry.  Yet, he married her.  Part of me feels sorry for him, the other part doesn't care.  My only hope is that they don't have kids.

[Ironmanrises]

We sail in the same boat, Ironman.  I was replaced by a guy she strung along for two years.  Giving him just enough attention to keep him around.  Not a good looking guy, works a job that is usually reserved for high school and college kids.  Follows her around like a puppy dog, in the words of one of his friends. 

The funny thing is, I'm not surprised in the least that it was him that replaced me.  She used to refer to him as her "bhit" on occasion.  Raged at him several times that I know of, to the point of making him cry.  Yet, he married her.  Part of me feels sorry for him, the other part doesn't care.  My only hope is that they don't have kids.

This guy too seemed to follow her around. Even when she was in a relationship with me(both rounds), would always make sly remarks here and there. Now he got his wish. He will soon learn the horror of such a wish. She chose him because very little work was required in acquiring him(an easy target). A pattern of her disorder. He will provide ample narcissistic supply. But it will not be enough as she requires an infinite supply of it. And than she will tire of him. Her cousin sending that friend request coincides with her posting about her new relationship. She already knows it will fail. Let me test the waters with Ironmanrises. Except, I didn't accept the request. She will try again, even though she is with him. Once devaluation commences, I will not be surprised if direct contact appears.

[myself]

Ironman, just be ready when and if it happens. Don't let her in, don't let it get to you. Keep seeing through the patterns. My ex had those orbiters too, who when we were on the outs would suddenly appear again on her social media pages. Because she had to have someone fawning over her, paying attention, lining up for their chance like you said. I'm pretty sure that's who she'll be with next, if not already. It's none of my business and I don't want to know. I cut off contact with her and set it so I can't see her stuff online and she can't see mine. Why our exes would prefer what seem to be superficial relationships over something deeper is on them, not us. They know they had a chance with us. Yours might try again, she might not. Mine said that when the final breakup came, she would punish me for the rest of my life by staying out of my life in all ways. Kind of a mixed blessing there, isn't it?

[Ironmanrises]

Ironman, just be ready when and if it happens. Don't let her in, don't let it get to you. Keep seeing through the patterns. My ex had those orbiters too, who when we were on the outs would suddenly appear again on her social media pages. Because she had to have someone fawning over her, paying attention, lining up for their chance like you said. I'm pretty sure that's who she'll be with next, if not already. It's none of my business and I don't want to know. I cut off contact with her and set it so I can't see her stuff online and she can't see mine. Why our exes would prefer what seem to be superficial relationships over something deeper is on them, not us. They know they had a chance with us. Yours might try again, she might not. Mine said that when the final breakup came, she would punish me for the rest of my life by staying out of my life in all ways. Kind of a mixed blessing there, isn't it?

I know she will try again(her cousin sending that friend request, and all those unknown texts/calls, etc) are all indicators of that. She is getting the "high" of the idealization stage of the relationship. And it will fail. Just like it what happened to me. And she will not self reflect. And pin the blame on him when it occurs. And he will view me in a different light once that happens(high probability he thinks I was to blame for the relationship thanks to her twisting the truth to ensnare him). He just replaced me in the never ending loop of the cyclic behavior that plays in her scripted distorted reality. Chances are he will even try and contact me in the aftermath. It wouldn't surprise me. And if she introduced this guy to her kids like she did with me, I feel even more sorry for her kids. More instability. That aspect saddens me. Nothing I can do.

[Skip]

It's really painful when the ex get into a relationship with someone else.  It dashes that last bit of hope we have that things will mend.

Stage Two of Detachment (click on #2, right margin) gives us some tools for this.

To begin the self-inquiry part of the process, bring yourself into contact with your inner witness.

In any process for working with feelings, it's important to find a way to explore your feelings that allows you both to be present with them (engage the emotion) at times and to stand aside from them (be impartial) and to know when each is appropriate. It sometimes helps to take little time to care for the part of you that needs comforting before you start this journey.

I feel even more sorry for her kids. That aspect saddens me.

Be present with the emotion (engage the emotion) . Stand aside from the emotion (be impartial).

Being present is recognizing that this is a milestone and a blow.  It happens to many of us. We often have some piece of connection that is crushed when the ex gets into a relationship. It is a loss.

Stand aside and be impartial.  We are feeling a deep emotion, but what is it that we are feeling?  We want to get in touch with the real feeling so we can process it - grieve it.  We can't process a feeling that we are masking with anger or resentment.

So my question to is, what are your feelings really about right now?

[Ironmanrises]

I don't really know. This is new territory for me. I have never experienced this in all the time I dealt with her. I am angry of course. I know who the guy is. He knew about me and her from the very beginning. In meeting and bonding with her kids, I can now picture them doing the same with him, and than her ripping all of that away from them once again(devaluation/discard), as she did to me. That part hurts me. I am still processing all of this.

[allweareisallweare]

I don't really know. This is new territory for me. I have never experienced this in all the time I dealt with her. I am angry of course. I know who the guy is. He knew about me and her from the very beginning. In meeting and bonding with her kids, I can now picture them doing the same with him, and than her ripping all of that away from them once again(devaluation/discard), as she did to me. That part hurts me. I am still processing all of this.

IMR when the going gets tough, the tough get going - you will have such mixed feelings about this - it will be hard and raw and a shock- All I can guarantee on this earth to you, solemnly, here on this Spring evening as it is here in the UK - 1) You're better off, trust me, you're going to be great and happy and loved by a great woman, I saw that 2) The family has you.

We know that the guy has to learn the hard way - it's not as if he doesn't know you, as you said, and that he doesn't know of what history you have. In my case, the replacement (we're never replaced we're as good as these borderlines got in some cases, tbh) knew about me for absolute sure. But I neglected to tell him about BPD and that she is diagnosed out-out with it. Let them find out the hard way - I for one - I know some people will think I'm sucking lemons here - have NO sympathy in these kinds of cases for someone who knows about a recent/knows an ex personally/knows they are a direct replacement within days and weeks - I think they're setting themselves up for a fall. Anyway, good luck.

[Ironmanrises]

I don't really know. This is new territory for me. I have never experienced this in all the time I dealt with her. I am angry of course. I know who the guy is. He knew about me and her from the very beginning. In meeting and bonding with her kids, I can now picture them doing the same with him, and than her ripping all of that away from them once again(devaluation/discard), as she did to me. That part hurts me. I am still processing all of this.

IMR when the going gets tough, the tough get going - you will have such mixed feelings about this - it will be hard and raw and a shock- All I can guarantee on this earth to you, solemnly, here on this Spring evening as it is here in the UK - 1) You're better off, trust me, you're going to be great and happy and loved by a great woman, I saw that 2) The family has you.

We know that the guy has to learn the hard way - it's not as if he doesn't know you, as you said, and that he doesn't know of what history you have. In my case, the replacement (we're never replaced we're as good as these borderlines got in some cases, tbh) knew about me for absolute sure. But I neglected to tell him about BPD and that she is diagnosed out-out with it. Let them find out the hard way - I for one - I know some people will think I'm sucking lemons here - have NO sympathy in these kinds of cases for someone who knows about a recent/knows an ex personally/knows they are a direct replacement within days and weeks - I think they're setting themselves up for a fall. Anyway, good luck.

Thank you Allwear. You are right, he doesn't know the exact history, but he did see the friendship, round 1, and round 2. And he was always orbiting. I can picture no one else put up with her nonsense, well, except for him. Except, he will be absorbing a mountain of it, now. It is why he was chosen. No work required. Easy supply. If he contacts me in the aftermath, I will tell him. Everything. And I wouldn't doubt for a second, that our stories will be horrifically similar.

[Skip]

I don't really know. This is new territory for me. I have never experienced this in all the time I dealt with her. I am angry of course. I know who the guy is. He knew about me and her from the very beginning. In meeting and bonding with her kids, I can now picture them doing the same with him, and than her ripping all of that away from them once again (devaluation/discard), as she did to me. That part hurts me. I am still processing all of this.

Could it be that it just hurts to be rejected and that with her so high on this relationship it signals the "real end" and you feel a loss - hurt?  And then, why is she picking him when she could have had me and all the goodness of what we had?

Maybe a lot of these other issues are really secondary things - a protective shell to avoid dealing with the primary feelings?  They really aren't what upsetting.

[Ironmanrises]

I don't really know. This is new territory for me. I have never experienced this in all the time I dealt with her. I am angry of course. I know who the guy is. He knew about me and her from the very beginning. In meeting and bonding with her kids, I can now picture them doing the same with him, and than her ripping all of that away from them once again (devaluation/discard), as she did to me. That part hurts me. I am still processing all of this.

Could it be that it just hurts to be rejected and that with her so high on this relationship it signals the "real end" and you feel a loss - hurt?  And then, why is she picking him when she could have had me and all the goodness of what we had?

Maybe a lot of these other issues are really secondary things - a protective shell to avoid dealing with the primary driver of the feelings?

It hurts me, Skip. Not as much as it would have, months ago though. Months ago, I would have been brought to my knees at such news. I didn't even break down and cry. Maybe that is a sign i am healing? Now I can see it more clearly, for what it really is. I see it. I see the dysfunction. Everything that is being projected from her, is all temporary. And her picking that guy, further illuminates it for me. Now I have to make sure I don't undo all the progress i have made since first coming here.

[blissful_camper]

She's already devaluing him if she is sending out a feeler to you.  Sending out that feeler is, in itself, devaluing to her partner.  All is not well in that relationship. 

My ex flaunted me to his community, friends, and family.  But it was all for show. Behind closed doors it was quite different. 

[Ironmanrises]

She's already devaluing him if she is sending out a feeler to you.  Sending out that feeler is, in itself, devaluing to her partner.  All is not well in that relationship. 

My ex flaunted me to his community, friends, and family.  But it was all for show. Behind closed doors it was quite different. 

You are correct. I was told by this mutual friend "She wants everyone to like her."   So she keeps posting pictures of the relationship all over. She did the same with me in round 1. And than she discarded me. She didn't outright flaunt me in round 2 when she returned(brought me an expensive gift), because she didn't want anyone to question her for the inevitable outcome(a smart move by her). She knew she was going to leave me. And still discarded me. Behind that image that is being portrayed, it is a fun place only on the surface.

[dansure]

Hey Ironman!

Remember in October when I found out that my ex is dating someone else? It made me sick, because it was just 2 month after the break up.

Now 4 month after I found out I really don't care about her and the new guy. I always wondered whether things will be better with him and if she will say and do the same things with him as she did with me. But at some point I realized that it doesn't matter. Things between them might so well because he can tolerate her behavior or doesn't trigger her crazy side as much as I did. But that's not important. All that is important is that she wasn't healthy for me and didn't make me happy. And that she made me end up at this very board. That itself is a sign that we should just be glad that they are gone. What they do from now on is luckily someone else problem. Rather than looking at what they do we should keep our eyes open for someone with whom we can have a happy relationship.

Luckily I didn't do any investigations about her and her new bf. I recommend you to do the same. Because looking back I am glad I didn't try to find out who it is and how they are doing, since it shows that I am becoming indifferent.

[Ironmanrises]

Dansure,

I remember how hard it was for you. You were reeling. I am really glad you were able to come to the realization that it doesn't matter, I can imagine how difficult that was for you. I am not at that point yet, as this is the first time I experienced this with her. I am not hurting 100% at least, enough time has passed and time spent on here has opened my eyes to the brutal reality of it all. I am not looking at any of her stuff or his for that matter, I received this information from that person and didn't inquire further than what I stated before. Actually knowing who the guy is, in a bizarre way actually helps me, because I can see her sickness via the fact that she chose him. Is that healthy? No. But it helps me nonetheless. Besides, I already know that relationship will fall apart. I lived it twice. Three times including friendship. And it fell apart all those times. With her discarding me, all those times. His fate will be the same. No doubt.

[dansure]

Dansure,

I remember how hard it was for you. You were reeling. I am really glad you were able to come to the realization that it doesn't matter, I can imagine how difficult that was for you. I am not at that point yet, as this is the first time I experienced this with her. I am not hurting 100% at least, enough time has passed and time spent on here has opened my eyes to the brutal reality of it all. I am not looking at any of her stuff or his for that matter, I received this information from that person and didn't inquire further than what I stated before. Actually knowing who the guy is, in a bizarre way actually helps me, because I can see her sickness via the fact that she chose him. Is that healthy? No. But it helps me nonetheless. Besides, I already know that relationship will fall apart. I lived it twice. Three times including friendship. And it fell apart all those times. With her discarding me, all those times. His fate will be the same. No doubt.

So in which sense exactly it is bothering you? That she moved on or do you fear that things will work well between them?

[Ironmanrises]

Dansure,

I remember how hard it was for you. You were reeling. I am really glad you were able to come to the realization that it doesn't matter, I can imagine how difficult that was for you. I am not at that point yet, as this is the first time I experienced this with her. I am not hurting 100% at least, enough time has passed and time spent on here has opened my eyes to the brutal reality of it all. I am not looking at any of her stuff or his for that matter, I received this information from that person and didn't inquire further than what I stated before. Actually knowing who the guy is, in a bizarre way actually helps me, because I can see her sickness via the fact that she chose him. Is that healthy? No. But it helps me nonetheless. Besides, I already know that relationship will fall apart. I lived it twice. Three times including friendship. And it fell apart all those times. With her discarding me, all those times. His fate will be the same. No doubt.

So in which sense exactly it is bothering you? That she moved on or do you fear that things will work well between them?

Just knowing who it is(he has always been around) bothers me a bit. She hasn't moved on(her cousin sending that friend request via her) is an attempt to insert herself back into my social media. Things between will not work out well, I need but look at the multiple times she discarded me. That alone is proof enough that he is not any better, it might last longer perhaps(who knows), the outcome will be the same. She is still sick.

[blissful_camper]

Dansure,

Actually knowing who the guy is, in a bizarre way actually helps me, because I can see her sickness via the fact that she chose him. Is that healthy? No. But it helps me nonetheless.

I imagine knowing who she chose provides you with a bit more clarity now.  It did for me knowing who my ex chose.  I learned, same script different partner. 

No, she hasn't moved on if she is sending out a feeler to you.  My ex did this too.  He's a bandaid, so she can avoid processing your relationship with her, so she can avoid being alone.

As you know, they want to know that there's a safety net in case they fall down again.  She's already trying to put that safety net in place.  Stay strong.  You've done a lot of self-work and have come a long way in your healing.

[Ironmanrises]

Dansure,

Actually knowing who the guy is, in a bizarre way actually helps me, because I can see her sickness via the fact that she chose him. Is that healthy? No. But it helps me nonetheless.

I imagine knowing who she chose provides you with a bit more clarity now.  It did for me knowing who my ex chose.  I learned, same script different partner. 

No, she hasn't moved on if she is sending out a feeler to you.  My ex did this too.  He's a bandaid, so she can avoid processing your relationship with her, so she can avoid being alone.

As you know, they want to know that there's a safety net in case they fall down again.  She's already trying to put that safety net in place.  Stay strong.  You've done a lot of self-work and have come a long way in your healing.

A pattern of behavior. The color, flavor, aroma may be different in each case, yet the overall result at the end is almost always the same. A strong indicator of future behavior is past behavior. It has been chiseled within me what it is like being with a person like that. I really do not want to undergo the same lesson again. Seeing it(albeit through what I was told) painted a picture horrifically close enough to the idealization that I experienced. There is an old saying, "Be careful what you ask for. You might just get it." Well, that guy was trying to get her for the longest(even before I was in the picture) and she always turned him down. Well, his wish was granted. And we all know what the end result will be. More devastation. Not just for him. Or her. But for her kids too. That is the fallout of that.