Ideas for Validating This ...

[Depression = 72% of members]

"I am going to set you free so you can find a real man."

This is the latest catch phrase used by my dBPDh.

The first time he used it, I told him that I loved him and told him he is all the real man I need. Yep, I know, not a very good response.

A few hours later, when it came up again, I asked him if he had concerns about being a "real man" and would he like to talk about it. Well, THAT was evidently the wrong answer because it has now been three days of fun, fun, fun here.

I have to admit, my dander is getting up - I have never once indicated that I wanted "to be free" and, while I do know where the "real man" part is coming from (his insecurity), I am out of ideas to better this situation.

Any help greatly appreciated!

DBNC

[DazedButNotConfused]

"I am going to set you free so you can find a real man."

This is the latest catch phrase used by my dBPDh.

The first time he used it, I told him that I loved him and told him he is all the real man I need. Yep, I know, not a very good response.

A few hours later, when it came up again, I asked him if he had concerns about being a "real man" and would he like to talk about it. Well, THAT was evidently the wrong answer because it has now been three days of fun, fun, fun here.

I have to admit, my dander is getting up - I have never once indicated that I wanted "to be free" and, while I do know where the "real man" part is coming from (his insecurity), I am out of ideas to better this situation.

Any help greatly appreciated!

DBNC

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[MissTajo]

This happends to me a lot to. He says things like that to me all the time. I don't know exactly what to answer that so Im kinda hoping to see what people answer your post too.

Last time I told him: If I wanted someone else, I would be with someone else, or alone like I was before I met you. Im self sufficient... . You know that. Im with you because I love you, so try and be confident in this, ok?

He stood there quietly thinking about it for a few minutes while I continued my tasks (while inside I was screaming "PLEASE GOD don't let this trigger the beast) and it worked.

Not a good answer to his insecurity  , I know. That time it worked. Next time might be different. Who knows... .

[In_n_Out]

What emotion is he feeling when he says that to you?  Discover that emotion: "you seem to be upset, are you angry or sad?".

Validate that emotion: "It's understandable that you'd be angry about "xyz".  That would piss off anybody".

Keep validating the emotion; not what it is he is saying.  Be understanding that he is feeling an emotion or emotions for whatever reasons.  Validate those and try and get him back to his "baseline".

Once things have settled, you can then try "It seems that when you're angry, you want to push me away with some things that you say.  It makes perfect sense to want to push away from something that is making you angry but at the same time, I feel very sad when you say such things to me."

He doesn't want your opinions or solutions (you're a real man to me).  He doesn't want to talk about what he means when he says such things to you.  What he wants is for you to understand that something has made him angry or sad (or both) and for you to validate those emotions.  Once you can figure out the emotion and then what is causing him to have that emotion, then you can begin to present ideas to him on other ways that he can redirect that emotion.  Make it his choice however on what to do/say, not your suggestion or opinion.  Just present the ideas and frame it like "do you think that it would make you less angry if you (this) instead of (that)?". 

As mentioned in other threads, "When Hope is Not Enough" book is really a good read for this stuff!

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

Validate that emotion: "It's understandable that you'd be angry about "xyz".  That would piss off anybody".

I see that type of phrase a lot on this board.  Do you still phrase it that way when it wouldn't piss off 99% of the people out there?

[Perez]

To follow-up on IsItHerOrIsItMe question, I have the same concern.  One of the objectives I am trying to implement is to not lie to myself when communicating with my wife.  I was very dysfunctional in this area as I would constantly take the blame  and apologize when in my heart I did not mean a word of what I was saying, knowing my wife was primarily in the wrong.  I did this to keep the peace, I can see now it was simply enabling her behavior.

So, this validation to emotional reactions that the vast majority of people would not have, is very difficult to take on.  All I can handle  presently is to say "This is really making you upset" but I have hard time going beyond that and validating the emotion.    My gut reaction is to feel manipulative and lying to myself if I go beyond that.

A real world example is when my wife shows me and email from her Mom that is perfectly fine.  She takes great offense to the contents and of course the dysregulation is soon directed at me.  She expects to be as mad as her about it.  In the past,  I would either try to reason with her or just pretend I was upset.  Now I for the most part walk away after acknowledging she is angry.  I don't use the word "understandable" unless I actually mean it.

[In_n_Out]

Validate that emotion: "It's understandable that you'd be angry about "xyz".  That would piss off anybody".

I see that type of phrase a lot on this board.  Do you still phrase it that way when it wouldn't piss off 99% of the people out there?

Absolutely.  A pwBPD has "shame" for things that they feel they are broken with.  You can help them feel better at ease if you "normalize" their emotion.  It is OK to be upset or angry or sad.  We all do it.  *We* may not get angry or sad at some of the things that they do, but it *is* their emotion that they feel for whatever reason.  Validate that emotion and normalize the *emotion*, not their action (if they do something destructive for example).

[DazedButNotConfused]

Thank you all for your comments.

What emotion is he feeling when he says this? Self-Hatred  -  and that is something that, I think, is almost impossible for us non's to wrap our heads around. For me, the pervasive self-hatred is the hardest thing to validate. Sadness? That is almost easy now to validate. Insecurity? That one is getting easy, too. Anger? I just walk away, out or watch TV on my computer.

But such deep self-hatred - well, like i said, I am open to suggestions.

PS. He is in DBT but it is the opinion of his therapist that it is best I not be involved. I may be wrong but I doubt that he has ever expressed this overwhelming self hatred to anyone but me. (Lucky me!) Any interaction I have seen with the therapist is almost jovial.

DBNC

[Chosen]

I get that type of thing all the time.  Not exactly the same, more like "You should go and find somebody you truly love".  Which I take it as:

1. "You don't love me", or

2. "I don't deserve you".

Anyway, I'm sick of this so usually I'll just say "I'm not finding somebody else.  I'm with you and I want to be with you.  OK?"  And leave it at that.  I don't like having conversations in which I'm assumed to be feeling a certain way.  I used to give a d*** about it (sorry), but it just makes me emotionally weak and I'll do/ say the wrong thing, so I can't be bothered to have in-depth conversations about this now.  I don't need somebody to assume my level of love.  If he doesn't feel it, fine, but express it in a way which says "I don't feel that you love me".