Ohhh my... My Mother is pushing me away by trying to get a reaction

[JeepMom]

My Mother and I have not spoke since the beginning of this year.  We work for the same company.  I'm still going to counciling every week and I also reading everything I can get I can get my hands on to educate me regarding BPD.   Wow has it opened my eyes.

But even when you know more about this disorder it still has a tendency to floor me when my Mother acts out. Recently she sent my children Valentine's Day Cards. We didn't open them until last night.  I had them on the counter but I have been avoiding it.  I know the kids needed to send thank you notes to her so it was past time to open them up. Normally the cards are the same and the writing inside is simular.  This time it was not, and my children picked up on it right away.  The are 12 and 8 (boys). 

12yr old card

His Name

Card saying

Love

Grandmom

8yr old card

Front of card has a animal w/ heart... . her writing beside it has his 8yr old sons name next to the heart.

Inside

Dear sons name

card saying

Love Always,

Grandmom

xoxo

My kids picked up on this right away.  12 year old asked if Grandmom is mad at him.  I took my son aside and told him that it was not nice of Grandmom and that she is having some problems right now and it has nothing to do with him. He has questioned her behavior before ... . and she has great difficulty relating to my oldest son.

I was floored... . husband is so angry. I'm upset I told my husband I would talk to councilor on how to handle.  I also promised my husband from now on the children will not be opening cards until either him or I open them first.  How awful to have to monitor my children's cards... .  

I also received a text from her yesterday.  How much longer silence? Are u ready to discuss?  She is such a bully to me... . first of all she stopped speaking to me when I asked her for some space and she came in my office and causing drama ... . pointing her finger at me and telling me how things were going to be... . I told her I will not discuss this at work before she finally left my office and from that point... . I was the bad daughter and she stopped talking to me.  Actually it is pretty nice not having to deal with her on a daily basis... . I haven't even discussed with her that she needs help. I told the councilor that I want to get stronger before I have something to do with her again.

[P.F.Change]

Hi, JeepMom,

I am sorry your boys are being treated unequally and felt sad about it. Is there any chance your mother felt the younger one is still into "cutesy" while the older one might be too "grown up?" Or has she always treated them disparately?

I also monitor communication from my parents to my children. So far things have stayed appropriate with cards, but in person things my mother said to the kids when she thought I wasn't listening were not always appropriate, so for me it seems best to check ahead of time or at least be present as things are opened, just in case.

I hope you don't mind my saying so... . It strikes me as a little odd that your boys are expected to send a thank you note for just a Valentine's Day card. That's not really customary unless there is a gift. Is it because your mother expects a thank you?

I can understand why you would be feeling frustrated about your mother's latest text to you. It's good that you have a counselor to go to for advice about how to proceed. I have definitely needed space from my mother before, too. You don't have to respond before you feel ready. At the same time, it may be a good opportunity for you to practice new skills such as SET and boundaries. Have you thought about how you might respond or how much time you would like to wait? With my sister (who does not have BPD but does have some traits), I like to wait 24-48 hours before I respond when she seems really worked up. That gives her an opportunity to soothe herself so that we can have a better chance at a calm interaction.

Wishing you peace,

PF

[JeepMom]

Hi PF,

My oldest also said the same thing about being older.  But my mom does have a tendency to be closer to my younger son.  She has even gone as far to say well I have a special bond with the younger one because I was in the delivery room with him.  I brought to her attention she was in the room when my oldest was born too.  She doesn't connect with my 12yr old and she has a way questioning him and his decisions... . making him feel like the odd man out. 

My Mom looks for that thankyou or a phone call... she also puts a $1.00 bill in them. At this point I'm not going to do either. 

I feel like I'm in a good spot now with a lot more to learn.  It is hard to say that in the 2 months that I have been seeking help and understanding when I will be ready to face her. I don't know how far I want her to be in my life now. I don't think she will ever seek help or admit to half of what she has done.  I still think it is so sad that we always will have to have our guard up to deal with our loved ones.

Thank you for your support.

[AsianSon]

Dear JeepMom,

I have an uBPD mom and so you are not alone! 

It has taken me many months to go from suspecting her condition, confirming it, understanding more about it, and now learning even more from this site. 

You are already way ahead of me!  Take pride in that, and the fact that you are trying so hard to improve the situation all around! 

Perhaps a place start is to know more about your mother's behavior.  I learned a lot from Christine Lawson's book "Understanding the Borderline Mother" which describes the behaviors of many mothers with BPD.

There are four descriptions of behaviors, do any remind you of your mother?

The Waif Mother

Frequently victimized and evokes sympathy and concern from others. She projects her feelings of helplessness and victimization onto others. She has trouble articulating her needs, is unnecessarily apologetic, and is easily embarrassed.

Message to her children: Life is too hard.

The Hermit Mother

Terrified of not having control and avoids groups and is guarded with others. Only her children and closest confidantes are aware of the severity of her distrust and insecurity.

Message to her children: Life is too dangerous.

The Queen Mother

The Queen is driven by feelings of emptiness. She looks for special treatment to compensate for being emotionally deprived as a child and she feels entitled to invade the boundaries of others and take what she needs.

Message to her children: Life is all about her.

The Witch Mother

The Witch emerges when the mother and child are alone, and develops a sense of pride when she controls or elicits a response of fear from others. Few mothers with BPD are always Witches, and some are never Witches. The Witch can hide as a Waif, a Hermit, or a Queen and only appear to be a Witch only to those who trigger her rage.

Message to her children: Life is war.

My mom almost always displays Queen behaviors. 

The book also talks about how to deal with those behaviors.