Wanna Share A Therapy Analogy

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I had a session with my P today and explained to him that I am finally letting go and have begun to find peace but I was still confused about how she may have felt about me during and especially at the end of the relationship. Did she miss me or just move on without a second thought (we haven't spoken since I told her about BPD and after that she called the cops on me).

He said when his son was 4 and they were headed to the airport after a vacation, his son asked for his Tuffy Tiger stuffed animal. They realized they had left it at the hotel and his son was devastated. He was attached to it like Linus was to his blanket. He cried and cried. They called the hotel and asked them to mail it to their home.

Once they got to the airport they took their son to a store where he picked out a new stuffed animal. He calmed down as he settled in with his new stuffed animal. A few days later Tuffy Tiger shows up at the house. Relieved, they took the stuffed animal to their son. Their son took a look at Tuffy Tiger and ran off with his new stuffed animal. He was already attached to his new stuffed animal. Tuffy Tiger was banished to the bottom of the toy chest.

As eye opening as this was to hear it is exactly how I sensed she felt about our relationship after processing and ruminating about things for the past 6 months. I was an object that soothed her and was good enough for her until I slipped up (caught her cheating) so she moved on to a new object. Things clear up as your feelings wane for your expwBPD traits. For those that are earlier in the grieving process just remember that it gets so much better. Normalcy is around the corner for me and indifference is finally setting in. Life is really getting good again.

[Waifed]

I had a session with my P today and explained to him that I am finally letting go and have begun to find peace but I was still confused about how she may have felt about me during and especially at the end of the relationship. Did she miss me or just move on without a second thought (we haven't spoken since I told her about BPD and after that she called the cops on me).

He said when his son was 4 and they were headed to the airport after a vacation, his son asked for his Tuffy Tiger stuffed animal. They realized they had left it at the hotel and his son was devastated. He was attached to it like Linus was to his blanket. He cried and cried. They called the hotel and asked them to mail it to their home.

Once they got to the airport they took their son to a store where he picked out a new stuffed animal. He calmed down as he settled in with his new stuffed animal. A few days later Tuffy Tiger shows up at the house. Relieved, they took the stuffed animal to their son. Their son took a look at Tuffy Tiger and ran off with his new stuffed animal. He was already attached to his new stuffed animal. Tuffy Tiger was banished to the bottom of the toy chest.

As eye opening as this was to hear it is exactly how I sensed she felt about our relationship after processing and ruminating about things for the past 6 months. I was an object that soothed her and was good enough for her until I slipped up (caught her cheating) so she moved on to a new object. Things clear up as your feelings wane for your expwBPD traits. For those that are earlier in the grieving process just remember that it gets so much better. Normalcy is around the corner for me and indifference is finally setting in. Life is really getting good again.

[LA4610]

That is a great analogy. Thanks for sharing.

Funny you say you "slipped up" when YOU caught your ex cheating. I had a similar situation... . caught her red handed and it was MY fault. That was her trigger. I will never forget the devilish look on her face and the feeling that went through my body.

Things clear up as your feelings wane for your expwBPD traits. Normalcy is around the corner for me and indifference is finally setting in. Life is really getting good again.

I am with you brother. Things are starting to get back to normal again and it feels great.

[Waifed]

LA,

I'm glad to hear you are doing well!

[Cimbaruns]

Ditto. Waifed

Glad to hear your doing well with moving forward.

The analogy makes sense... . and yes... . they have to find an object to soothe them... .

Mine cheated as well but I chose not to confront her after she left me and in just one conversation since then... . she acts as if she's totally moved on... .

I spent countless hours thinking the same... . did she even miss me for a second? The answer... . A BIG NO

YES.  Normalcy is just around the corner for me as well

[Turkish]

That's a good analogy to illustrate the child-like attachments. I was at Wally World the other day, outfitting D1 for the snow. She saw a summer hat and just wouldn't let it go. I refused to buy it for her, ready for the extinction burst, but my buddy who was with me (who loves my kids to death) said he'd buy it for her. She clung onto it for an hour or so until we got to the mountains. I hid it away, and she didn't cry for it again. Out of sight, out of mind. She'll find new attachments... . like our Exes did.

The problem is Tuffy Tiger didn't hide to get left behind to find a new little boy to be his friend. And Linus' blanket never abandoned him that I recall. For us, we only needed one Tuffy Tiger. No replacement necessary. Oh, poor Linus... . perhaps I am more like him than I would like to admit?

[love4meNOTu]

Waifed... I found this very triggering. I had to walk away from the computer.

It's my greatest fear. That I was used. That I was thrown away like yesterday's garbage.

I'm not sure that I'm far enough along in my recovery to use this analogy now. Perhaps later when I have detached further.

I know this has something to do with my childhood core wounds, about not feeling loved by my parents, and also by my exhusband wBPD.

Now that I think about it, I'm going to turn this around. It's his fault he threw me away. He is disordered. It was NOT me. I did my best with what I knew at the time. I was kind, I tried, at the end I just gave up. I accepted that he was not going to change. He was not, and never will. I had to get away from his abuse, for both me and my children.

So maybe I don't care that he threw me away. Maybe that's the way it was always supposed to be. We are not supposed to be together. He was not right for me.

Yikes, therapy while typing. Thanks for letting me share.

L

[Ironmanrises]

Glad to hear you are doing better Waifed. A great analogy by your P. We are that stuffed Tuffy Tiger thrown to the bottom of the chest while they play with new toy. Precise. With one added appendage. When we are needed again, that tuffy tiger will be picked up again as new toy is discarded. Old becomes new again. For a while. And so on.

[redbaron5]

Waifed... I found this very triggering. I had to walk away from the computer.

It's my greatest fear. That I was used. That I was thrown away like yesterday's garbage.

I'm not sure that I'm far enough along in my recovery to use this analogy now. Perhaps later when I have detached further.

I know this has something to do with my childhood core wounds, about not feeling loved by my parents, and also by my exhusband wBPD.

Now that I think about it, I'm going to turn this around. It's his fault he threw me away. He is disordered. It was NOT me. I did my best with what I knew at the time. I was kind, I tried, at the end I just gave up. I accepted that he was not going to change. He was not, and never will. I had to get away from his abuse, for both me and my children.

So maybe I don't care that he threw me away. Maybe that's the way it was always supposed to be. We are not supposed to be together. He was not right for me.

Yikes, therapy while typing. Thanks for letting me share.

L

Brutal, this is the hardest thing for me as well, as I tend to view this as diminishing my value as a person. I like to think everyone thinks like I do, and the only thing that I would throw away is something useless or broken, so I therefore must be useless and broken, since I was dumped and replaced like a broken toaster. I'm left with nothing but the echoes of a woman who used to tell me "She would die to make me happy, soulmate, blah blah" sitting in the trashcan that is now my life. It's so difficult to look at this objectively, its a PATTERN of behaviors and thoughts we cannot begin to understand, so using their actions and words to value ourselves is futile and pointless. Whenever I get down I just force myself to think of things objectively, I was always there for her, I was loyal, I never strayed, I supported her, I paid for her things, I loved her, and THAT is all that matters. I did what I did and that is all that matters, that is where my value comes from, not how the recipient of my actions views it or tells me how she views it. I am the one taking personal inventory and going to therapy. She is the one going to concerts, replacing me instantly and bragging about getting married to someone shes known for 6 months. Viewed Objectively with reason, you know who the problem is, it isn't you, it has nothing to do with you. I know its harsh but when I try to explain my experience with my BPD to other people I like to use this analogy.  Some people cut other people into pieces and put them in a refrigerator(jeffery dalhmer)  and some people lie and say they love people, then discard them when they serve no more purpose.  The point is, they are out there, you can't control them, you ran into one, you suffered. Being discarded like a broken toaster does not define you, and it does not define me, how WE treat other people defines us, and we did a good job.

I like this post from another forum , I read it all the time when I need a wakeup call.


It is like trying to save a drowning person . Everytime you throw them a lifebelt they just push it away. she is beyond help she doesn't want it.

She does not care about you, she does not love you, she does not like you and she never did.

And that goes the same for her with other people, other guys and girls she's been with and around.

She doesn't care about or love them either.

The only thing that matters to her is herself and her own amusement and feelings in the moment.

That is the sick, sad and brutal truth about Cluster B Personality Disordered people.

Selfishness is what they are completely at their core.

More so than natural human selfishness as unlike normal humans they lack empathy and feelings of reciprocity, they lack object constancy which means out of sight out of mind.

You are an object to her no different than a toaster. once your broken they will just go and get another one.

When you think you see the light of love in her eyes for you or anyone else its the same kind of love someone has for the new car smell or getting a new videogame that they've wanted or getting their huge paycheck if they've got a good job.

Its not real love but objectified love.

You are only good to them so long as you can fulfill your momentary purpose to them, your object function and once they've decided you've broke on them like a toaster you will be replaced by a new undamaged model.

So stop thinking about her feelings and worry about your own.

Go no contact and stay no contact and whenever thoughts of white picket fences, eternal love and all that rot comes into your mind surrounding her remember that at the very moment you are thinking this and imagining her thinking the same about you she is not.

I know enough about this condition to know what they are like and what good innocent acts they put on.

Its all bullsh!t.

Academy award winning bullsh!t.

So save yourself and walk away.

No contact.

Ever again.

Get yourself some psychotherapy if you need it and be mindful about future girls you get involved with and never solve their life problems for them.

You are there with a girl for a hookup or to have a relationship with them which consists of having fun together and loving one another.

Not there to try and be Dr. Phil and listen to her tell you about her depression/work and money problems/drug addiction etc.

Leave that sh!t to the professionals.

And don't be trying to get any revenge on this her as she'll get you back 10,000 times worse by going on a massive smear campaign about how you raped her or beat her up etc and before you know it the cops will be knock knock knocking at your door over this womens false allegations about you.

Going no contact will hurt her more than any revenge you could possibly do to her.

It hurts them more than a punch to the face, slashing their tires or telling them off ever would because they thrive on feeding off your emotions both happy and sad, they thrive off your continued attention.

Do not feed that beast.

Control yourself and walk away.

You have full power over your life and emotions and can walk away at any time.

She only has the power over you that you turn over to her willingly.


Cry out the pain if you need to without regret or shame, talk out the pain for as long as you have to on forums or to your psych doc even if it takes months or years but do not, I repeat do not look for this woman to be the answer to it.

She's not.

She'll only heap more pain onto your life.

She's the mirage in the desert.

She's not a fountain of water to preserve your life from the cruel heat.

She is the heat.

She is spiritual death and physical death.

Avoid her like your very life depended upon it because it does!

The biggest mistake we make is believing their "act" that they care about us.

They care about what you can give them, what you can "supply" them, and nothing more.

Once she finds a way to replace what you give her, the emotional SUPPLY, she can be done with you as easily as she could be done with her Ipod, were she to leave that at a Bar or Restaurant... .

[myself]

It's all so temporary and subjective. Depending on the circumstances. We 'nons' also choose to throw these relationships away. Last resort? Maybe we just came to the conclusion later than our partners did. Maybe we hid from the truth too long. No longer able to relate as well to that attachment.

[BorisAcusio]

It is like trying to save a drowning person . Everytime you throw them a lifebelt they just push it away. she is beyond help she doesn't want it.

She does not care about you, she does not love you, she does not like you and she never did.

And that goes the same for her with other people, other guys and girls she's been with and around.

She doesn't care about or love them either.

The only thing that matters to her is herself and her own amusement and feelings in the moment.

That is the sick, sad and brutal truth about Cluster B Personality Disordered people.

Selfishness is what they are completely at their core.

More so than natural human selfishness as unlike normal humans they lack empathy and feelings of reciprocity, they lack object constancy which means out of sight out of mind.

You are an object to her no different than a toaster. once your broken they will just go and get another one.

When you think you see the light of love in her eyes for you or anyone else its the same kind of love someone has for the new car smell or getting a new videogame that they've wanted or getting their huge paycheck if they've got a good job.

Its not real love but objectified love.

You are only good to them so long as you can fulfill your momentary purpose to them, your object function and once they've decided you've broke on them like a toaster you will be replaced by a new undamaged model.

So stop thinking about her feelings and worry about your own.

Go no contact and stay no contact and whenever thoughts of white picket fences, eternal love and all that rot comes into your mind surrounding her remember that at the very moment you are thinking this and imagining her thinking the same about you she is not.

I know enough about this condition to know what they are like and what good innocent acts they put on.

Its all bullsh!t.

Academy award winning bullsh!t.

So save yourself and walk away.

No contact.

Ever again.

Get yourself some psychotherapy if you need it and be mindful about future girls you get involved with and never solve their life problems for them.

You are there with a girl for a hookup or to have a relationship with them which consists of having fun together and loving one another.

Not there to try and be Dr. Phil and listen to her tell you about her depression/work and money problems/drug addiction etc.

Leave that sh!t to the professionals.

And don't be trying to get any revenge on this her as she'll get you back 10,000 times worse by going on a massive smear campaign about how you raped her or beat her up etc and before you know it the cops will be knock knock knocking at your door over this womens false allegations about you.

Going no contact will hurt her more than any revenge you could possibly do to her.

It hurts them more than a punch to the face, slashing their tires or telling them off ever would because they thrive on feeding off your emotions both happy and sad, they thrive off your continued attention.

Do not feed that beast.

Control yourself and walk away.

You have full power over your life and emotions and can walk away at any time.

She only has the power over you that you turn over to her willingly.


Cry out the pain if you need to without regret or shame, talk out the pain for as long as you have to on forums or to your psych doc even if it takes months or years but do not, I repeat do not look for this woman to be the answer to it.

She's not.

She'll only heap more pain onto your life.

She's the mirage in the desert.

She's not a fountain of water to preserve your life from the cruel heat.

She is the heat.

She is spiritual death and physical death.

Avoid her like your very life depended upon it because it does!

The biggest mistake we make is believing their "act" that they care about us.

They care about what you can give them, what you can "supply" them, and nothing more.

Once she finds a way to replace what you give her, the emotional SUPPLY, she can be done with you as easily as she could be done with her Ipod, were she to leave that at a Bar or Restaurant... .

Great insights, I would make it a suggested reading. The author really catch what Cluster B disorders are about.

I think many of us became apoligist, try to rationalize their immoral behavior, making excuses for the inexcusable instead of facing the facts.

[Waifed]

Waifed... I found this very triggering. I had to walk away from the computer.

It's my greatest fear. That I was used. That I was thrown away like yesterday's garbage.

I'm not sure that I'm far enough along in my recovery to use this analogy now. Perhaps later when I have detached further.

I know this has something to do with my childhood core wounds, about not feeling loved by my parents, and also by my exhusband wBPD.

Now that I think about it, I'm going to turn this around. It's his fault he threw me away. He is disordered. It was NOT me. I did my best with what I knew at the time. I was kind, I tried, at the end I just gave up. I accepted that he was not going to change. He was not, and never will. I had to get away from his abuse, for both me and my children.

So maybe I don't care that he threw me away. Maybe that's the way it was always supposed to be. We are not supposed to be together. He was not right for me.

Yikes, therapy while typing. Thanks for letting me share.

L

I'm sorry if this triggered you. The last thing I want to do is hurt someone on here who is already in pain. Working on ourselves is how we beat the pain. Keep fighting the good fight  

[Waifed]

Waifed... I found this very triggering. I had to walk away from the computer.

It's my greatest fear. That I was used. That I was thrown away like yesterday's garbage.

I'm not sure that I'm far enough along in my recovery to use this analogy now. Perhaps later when I have detached further.

I know this has something to do with my childhood core wounds, about not feeling loved by my parents, and also by my exhusband wBPD.

Now that I think about it, I'm going to turn this around. It's his fault he threw me away. He is disordered. It was NOT me. I did my best with what I knew at the time. I was kind, I tried, at the end I just gave up. I accepted that he was not going to change. He was not, and never will. I had to get away from his abuse, for both me and my children.

So maybe I don't care that he threw me away. Maybe that's the way it was always supposed to be. We are not supposed to be together. He was not right for me.

Yikes, therapy while typing. Thanks for letting me share.

L

I'm sorry if this triggered you. The last thing I want to do is hurt someone on here who is already in pain. Working on ourselves is how we beat the pain. Keep fighting the good fight  

Love

I thought about this after I sent it and here is my deeper take on this analogy.  We are treated like objects to pwBPD.  This sounds harsh but look at it from the perspective of a young child.  A young child is narcissistic because he has not learned how to take care of his own needs.  It is basically all about them. They depend/expect their parent or others to tend to their needs.  :)o they give love back?  The answer is subjective in my opinion.  Love is probably different for everyone.  A narcissist probably thinks he feels in love.  What they give back is perceived as love to us.

The love a pwBPD is simply the same type of love a child gives a parent.  They are the child.  We perceive it as love and they probably do to.  They do not literally see us as objects.  They see us as someone who fulfills their needs and it is love in their minds.  It is all they know.  We hurt because we just cannot relate to this and it destroys us from within.  So, I don't think it is as simple as saying that we are objects to them.  There is a reason and it is not intentional on their part.  We were loved, just in a different way than we are used to.

[love4meNOTu]

Love

I thought about this after I sent it and here is my deeper take on this analogy.  We are treated like objects to pwBPD.  This sounds harsh but look at it from the perspective of a young child.  A young child is narcissistic because he has not learned how to take care of his own needs.  It is basically all about them. They depend/expect their parent or others to tend to their needs.  :)o they give love back?  The answer is subjective in my opinion.  Love is probably different for everyone.  A narcissist probably thinks he feels in love.  What they give back is perceived as love to us.

The love a pwBPD is simply the same type of love a child gives a parent.  They are the child.  We perceive it as love and they probably do to.  They do not literally see us as objects.  They see us as someone who fulfills their needs and it is love in their minds.  It is all they know.  We hurt because we just cannot relate to this and it destroys us from within.  So, I don't think it is as simple as saying that we are objects to them.  There is a reason and it is not intentional on their part.  We were loved, just in a different way than we are used to.

Thank you for this waifed. Yes, I agree that I was loved in a way. But I realize now that it is very different than mature love. There was a limited amount of reciprocity, and I suppose that's what wore me down as time went on. My ex husband said many beautiful things to me, and perhaps he meant them but not the same way that I did. I made vows to him, and I intended to keep them for life.

I don't believe he did.

It was really too much for both of us. He needs so very much, and I can give, but I won't give until it hurts. Once I was attacked in front of my children I realized that he did not truly love me. No man tries to separate a mother from her children. And that's what he tried to do.

I would never have attacked my ex husband verbally or emotionally in front of his child. That's just too low for words. The main difference between he and I is that he has the emotional maturity of a child, and I am a grown ass woman, emotionally and intellectually.

I did love him, in some ways I still do, but we were not meant to be together. That's really all the truth I have to know and accept. Regardless of mental illness. That's the outcome, in perpetuity.

I was loved, but it's not the kind of love that I know or want.

It's a brand new day, it's my son's birthday and the sun is shining. I am blessed to be alive, to have lived through this heartbreak to live another day. Every morning I pray for my ex husband, and I hope that he has a happy life too. He has suffered a lot in this life, much more than I. Life is a struggle for him even though he pretends otherwise.

I'm not gonna pretend, I know exactly who I am and how lucky I am to be here in this moment with y'all.

Blessings,

L

[blue_skies_ahead]

I identify with everything said here. 

I do, however, want to point one thing out that struck a chord with me:

"You are only good to them so long as you can fulfill your momentary purpose to them, your object function and once they've decided you've broke on them like a toaster you will be replaced by a new undamaged model. "

Very true!  I think that, in my case, he sharpened his teeth on me and once he thought I was broken down (was temporarily disabled due to back problems but working on them) he either already had in his arsenal or he actively looked for a model that was NEW to him, but actually would be easier to victimize than myself because I resisted the things he did to try and crush me - stayed with therapy and finally ended the shenanigans by filing for divorce.   

His insta-fiance (just add money and FOG) is a real case - 41, poor, never had a career, totally dependent on him for finances, bipolar, with a 5 y.o. child, debt and with an abusive ex drug-dealing baby daddy of her own that is now threatening my exBPDs life and I HAVE to send our son with him for visitation or I'M in contempt of court.    I'm sure, in his mind, the drama of his new [mess] (omit the word "life" here) gives him that tingle of "living" that he oh-so-needs to keep his homefire glowing.  In the end, it's also the very thing that burns his SO out because most of us are not hardwired to take that kind of endless drama. 

If all of this mess makes her a "better" model for him than I was - well then, that may be true, but the fact that he picked someone so clearly inferior to me makes me wonder about myself and WHY I was always put out to work like a MULE so he could indulge in his wild spending sprees unchecked while I commuted 2 hours a day and killed myself in the corporate world and now he's picked someone that clearly will make minimum wage, if even work at all.

 

At least now when I open my bank statment there aren't 100 charges from fast food joints racked up within a week, ebay purchases, amazon prime, tire rack ... . you name it.  My money is my own and that has brought personal peace. 

Find ONE good thing today about how your life has improved without them, write it on a sticky and put it somewhere you'll see it.  It HELPS!  Hugs to all suffering today! 

[Dolly rocker]

Thank you so much for sharing the analogy!

It makes things a lot clearer!

And I hate myself for getting involved with someone who wouldn't think twice about replacing me! :-(

Hate myself, HATE!

Sorry about the rant guys, I needed it tho!