very strange thing my ex said to me

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I highly suspect my ex is a high functioning BPD.

I would like to ask what you all think about this.   At one point she moved out of state for a career opportunity.    Then some things happpened that cause her to come back

When we were hanging out we were drinking and she said "you know why I came back? I came back for you"

Then a few days later I mentioned it to her and she said "can we pretend I never said that?"

what the heck?  These were the kind of mix signals i was getting.   Is this a case of emotions talking?  And then a change of emotions days later... .    

I have never met anyone who does something like this... .

[LuckyNicki]

I highly suspect my ex is a high functioning BPD.

I would like to ask what you all think about this.   At one point she moved out of state for a career opportunity.    Then some things happpened that cause her to come back

When we were hanging out we were drinking and she said "you know why I came back? I came back for you"

Then a few days later I mentioned it to her and she said "can we pretend I never said that?"

what the heck?  These were the kind of mix signals i was getting.   Is this a case of emotions talking?  And then a change of emotions days later... .    

I have never met anyone who does something like this... .

[fromheeltoheal]

You gave me a flashback: my ex told me once that it was my job to elicit the emotions I wanted out of her, and when I reminded her the next day she said 'that's not going to happen.'  Confusing.  Whatever.

BPD aside, women are always confusing to men, and it could be just two people caught up in the emotion of the moment, but on some level she's either connecting with how you feel, concerned about it, and trying to help, or she's not.  The attitude of I'm going to feel the way I feel, it's going to change on the fly, and you just need to deal with it is bullsht and crazymaking if you let it be, and it's up to us to express our desires, see if she's willing and able to consider them important, and get the hell out if she's not.

[heartandwhole]

Hi, LuckyNicki,

You are definitely not alone!  My pwBPD did a few radical about faces that hit me like a ton of bricks, and ultimately got me out of the relationship.  It's hard to understand the rapid change in feelings, but it's part of the disorder.  Even he didn't understand it, and was very remorseful after the fact when he realized the effect it had on me.  But he wasn't able to control the feelings=facts symptom when it took over.

Lucky, I checked out your intro. post, and I can relate to it from my own situation.  Have you seen this:How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves  It really opened my eyes about what I was dealing with.

Let us know what you think, and hang in there.  We're here for you. 

[LuckyNicki]

Thank you for replying Guys. 

That was one of the first links I've read and I literally fell out of my chair as to how close it was to me and then I became hooked on reading this material all over the net. 

I'm uncertain if she knows she has BPD.  I only suspect she has it, there is no diagnosis. 

Her history is fits those that have BPD though. I've read the psychiatric symptoms and all the accounts of people who have dated BPDs and it is eerily similar to my encounter. 

The only thing that she seems to not have is "rage".  However, I was not present enough in her life to see if there was any rage.  It's weird because whenever we have conflict or emotional talk, she would never want to talk on the phone. 

She literally only wants to contact via messenger on the phone.  This ANNOYS ME soo much as I have to type with my two thumbs about how i feel about things and there were tons of miscommunications.  So maybe she's hiding something by enforcing contact this way.  (emotions like a child during conflict?)

Or maybe she drinks so much and that she doesn't want me to know how often she drinks.  I sense it's everyday with whiskey.



Leading me on/Future Faking:

The mixed signals were just ridiculous.  I even told her one time, if u just want it to be FWB, that's cool.  Just let me know.  And this was when she was walking out the door after we had sex... .  

I was in state on confusion for an entire month at one point.  But yes, who says "they moved back for you" only to retract a few days later?  All these little things tells me it has to be some kind of disorder.  I just can't imagine a normal person would say these things only to retract.  It's EXTREMELY beyond strange. 

I feel as if the mixed signals are just based to her emotions.  One moment she loves me and wants to be with me etc (the kinds of things she's saying), then the next she wants space.  Like What the heckFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF is going ON? 

On top of all this, she is going through chemo.  So the last thing I want to do is argue with someone that is going through chemo... .

So many factors.

[LuckyNicki]

Is this push/pull a result of their emotions?   

Or is she purposely just trying to mess with my head? 

[Waifed]

Is this push/pull a result of their emotions?   

Or is she purposely just trying to mess with my head? 

The million dollar question!  3 year relationship and 6 months of processing and I still can't figure this one out! 

[fromheeltoheal]

Is this push/pull a result of their emotions?   

Or is she purposely just trying to mess with my head? 

Think how a 2 year old behaves: they run all over the place, but once they get out of mother's sight, they feel uncomfortable and abandoned, so they run back to mom.  Then they get a flash of independence and start to feel engulfed too close to mom, and off they go again, just to repeat.  Same thing with the game peekaboo: a kid that young can't connect with the fact that when they can't see something it still exists, so covering their eyes makes things not exist, literally, in their head.  Then they feel abandoned, take their hands away, and tada!  Whomever they were blocking from view exists again. 

All of that is a critical step in us detaching from our mother or other caregiver and becoming our own autonomous individual.  A borderline, for whatever reason, never goes through that, so psychologically, they are still running away (push), feeling abandoned, and running back (pull), feeling engulfed, repeat.  And all of that is subconscious and literally hardwired into their personality, the place they got stuck, so we're dealing with the "terrible twos" in adult bodies.  And then over time she learns that certain behaviors elicit certain reactions from you, so is she playing with your head?  Not primarily, but that behavior does have the added benefit of keeping you on edge, so you won't leave.  It would be highly traumatic for a kid to go running back to her mother and not find her, and the possibility of that is still active in her psyche today.

[LA4610]

 

I feel as if the mixed signals are just based to her emotions.  One moment she loves me and wants to be with me etc (the kinds of things she's saying), then the next she wants space.  Like What the heckFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF is going ON? 

yup... . my ex drove me bonkers with that. "What the heckFFFFFFFF is going ON?" is exactly how i felt!

sounds like a real messy situation your in bro. i would bail asap

[LuckyNicki]

Sometimes I feel like when I pull away and get tired of it, she somehow tries to make it up.  Its weird... .

Its like she does enough to keep me going.

Anyway,  all this stringing lead me to go N.C. for a over a monthn. But I have to tell you, something about this whole situation really messed with my head. I never had an issue like this before in my previous relationships. 

I was confident, outgoing, loved etc... . but something about this whole thing messed with my mental state.

So far since NC I've been have many different moods every week.   Id be happy that im single and away from thr charade.   Then id be angry about her actions and behavior.  Then id be compassionate for her because I suspect BPD (times when im tempted to break NC).  And then ill miss her  (another temptation to break nc).

[Take2]

It sure sounds like she has some major borderline traits if not full blown BPD.  It's all a mind - f.

I've been going thru it for four years now.  I am totally painted black as he mvoes on with my replacement yet becomes totally loving to me when he wants to sleep with me.  He clearly thinks I am the stupidest person on the planet... .  

I was also confident, outgoing, loved, etc... .   but this r/s destroyed me.  It's taking along time to get back to myself.  You are doing the right thing of reading and learning and you will start to look inside yourself to find where you went... . and maybe why you let someone like this in... .   although as much as everyone on here talks about that - the reality is that I never knowingly let IN a very disordered person.  I didn't see the rage for an entire year.  Did he do things to keep me off balance?  yes.  Did he do amazing things and then confusing things for that first year?  yes.  But it's INTERMITTENT REINFORCEMENT that is the strongest human motivator.  It helps the insane addiction get going in the first place.  They are masters at it - probably without even realizing it. 

Anyway - I'm sorry for your stress and what you are going thru... . I hope you can find peace soon... .

[LuckyNicki]

Can someone please tell me where the edit button is.   Hehehe I keep accidentally repost.

The crazy thing about this whole entire thing is that NOBODY in my social circle understands.  They literally thinking im just being a wuss going through a normal breakup that they said I should've ended awhile ago.

And the mutual friends of ours have ZERO clue.  Thats the thing that bothers me.  I was friends with her prior to this and she was a good friend to everyone.  We weren't close as.  I think we kept it chatting online because there were always sexual chemistry whenever we run into eachother.  This whole disorder doesnt come out until I was I intimate with her. 

She is loved by our mutual friends.  She does a lot for friends.  I am a bit saddened that if she does have BPD, which I highly suspect she does, it'll just be such a tragedy. Because I know deep down, she does care. 

Honestly, I've never been more desperate for human interactions.  Ive called up all women that like me and are willing to go hang out yet I have no interest in them. 

Im usually very happy prior to this and happy being alone.  No need to be around people.

Thjs is seriously a side of reality/life that I never knew existed.

[GreenMango]

Part of the detaching process is step 1 acknowledge and working with your feelings as you come to terms with what happen.  Understanding some of the clinical aspects of the disorder helps with explaining some of it.

You mentioned she didn't really do this with friends.  She may not have clinical BPD but have some traits of BPD.  The majority of members partners or ex partners are subclinical.  One of the traits she may experience is rejection sensitivity in close intimate relationships.  Intimate relationships may be something that stresses her skills.  It sounds like she is better with friends because there is less intimacy.

The subclinical traits can still be emotionally taxing for partners.  The mixed signals can be really confusing.  You mention a good point about most people not understanding. There are several facets ... . One is clinical BPD isn't that common studies mention around 2-6% of the population. So two to six people in a hundred with the most severe and/or clinically recorded diagosis. The other aspect is many people pick up on the emotional instability or what people call red flags early and vacate the relationship before getting emotional attached.  They wouldn't allow themselves to be taken through a roller coaster ride.  There's a lot of perspective to be gained on how to handle relationships considering this.

Have you checked out the Learning Center board on BPD and BPD characteristics?

[LuckyNicki]

Thank you for your reply.

Can you please elaborate on subclincal?   I looked it up and all I found is that it means "not detectable" ?

Also, I just looked in the learning center.  Are there specific threads you recommend I read? 

Thank you again.

[Ironmanrises]

My exUBPDgf denied, admitted, and denied/admitted in reference to her disorder(undiagnosed) all in one sentence on the day she discarded me at end of round 2. That is all part of the distorted thought processes. Mixed signals is all part of that.

[GreenMango]

Thank you for your reply.

Can you please elaborate on subclincal?   I looked it up and all I found is that it means "not detectable" ?

Also, I just looked in the learning center.  Are there specific threads you recommend I read?  

Thank you again.

This link below is a good first pass.

This is a thread on What is BPD? How can I tell?

 https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=63511.0  

While you are trying to make sense of what happened it can be real easy to get lost in the clinical jargon.  Professionals urge regular people to not apply the clinical requirements of 5 out of the 9 characteristics like a cookbook.  It's way more complicated than checking off boxes.  Subclinical is having less than the five traits... . some people have taken to calling it high functioning.

This is the technical list from the New York Presbyterian Hospital(Columbia/Cornell University Medical Centers):

 BPD is manifested by a pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in (5).

A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. This is called "splitting."

Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in (5).

Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.

Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).

Chronic feelings of emptiness.

Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).

Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

The reason they discourage people from ticking off the boxes and playing armchair psychologist is because getting to a diagnosis takes time, ruling out other factors, addressing other mental illness that may present similarly, they look for the pervasive pattern element too.

Borderline PD isn't a one off situation.  Sometimes members will join after the end of a relationship where the person up and left or cheated after telling them they loved them and it's was specific to this one relationship dynamic.

And sometimes a person can be rejection sensitive but not emotionally impulsive, hostile, abusive or other characteristics and not display the other characteristics of the disorder.

So I'd encourage you to look at the what happened during the relationship, look at behavior and how that worked for you or didn't causing pain or dysfunction in the relationship.  And to check out the detaching steps to on the right hand margin next to your first post.  It will help get a handle on what you've been through and to move forward in a healthy way.

i hope this helps to link some info.  It can really difficult to make sense of the contradictions.