exBPD gone off meds, unstable

[HealingForMe]

I think this is a better place for me to ask for your help, so I've copied this from my introduction... .

Yesterday:

My ex was diagnosed with BPD about 3yrs ago. We started going out 2 years ago & got engaged about 9mths ago. Ironically, it wasnt long after that the r/s started going downhill  rolleyes

The trouble began on Boxing Day when she complained to her father (who she lived with) that I cheaped out on her Xmas present, despite the fact he saw me give her an expensive phone cover & a bag. The next day when I went over there to surprise her I was verbally abused by her very intimidating 6'5, 120kg father with a criminal record! He said "wait till there's no-one around & I'll finish you”

There have been several instances of her rallying her friends against me even to the point where one threatened me, saying "I know people"

I officially ended it with her mid Feb, the next day I got more abusive texts from a friend using her phone, saying she had found my ex in her car with a lot of alcohol, xanax & valium & 2 bad cuts on her wrist. I called every hospital in the area but none had records of her, so I'm not sure if that was true. She does have a history of cutting though. This friend then proceeded to threaten me again.

I've tried to remain friends with her as she doesnt have many & I was feeling a sense of obligation to help her, but things have escalated. This last Sunday another friend of hers used her phone to text me. 2 of his texts were:

“Someone will get to you one day (my name)”

“If I have my way u will have no f****ng car, no windows. No security at all. The way u made (my ex) feel. I want to rip your spleen out”

My ex apologised, saying he had taken her phone when she was walking to her car.

I repeatedly told her she has to stop spreading lies about me to the point people use her phone to abuse & threaten me. Finally, I said if it happens again I would block her number & she would never hear from me again.

I feel bad for her, I want to help her but I need to protect myself. I dont want to abandon her as that is her #1 BPD symptom, plus she doesnt have many friends & none that understand her but she is leaving me no choice.

PS: before I met her I was thinning on top, but still had hair. Now I have almost none! Apart from the stress & missing her company, I have been enjoying the freedom of not being in such a controlling r/s & finally started doing the things I want to do.

Today:

Ok so I'm starting to enforce boundaries. I think I'm receiving "extinction bursts", which I can handle. The problem is her rationality is deteriorating.

Her texts are becoming very erratic & nonsensical. Eg, we texted back & forth for a while about her children, in particular, her son. Trouble is, she doesnt have any children! When I said "you dont have a son or daughter" she replied "Yeah but I have a son". She even gave "him" a name, Adam. When I asked who his father was, expecting her to say me (an obvious entrapment) she said "you guys are" then "who is who".

She has moments of clarity, like the other other day when after a series of abusive texts, she apologised & said she was "so confused & unsure of everything". But as soon as I pleaded with her to resume seeing her psych & get a new med from her, the abuse started again.

I'm very worried that in this state of confusion that she will do something to herself. I know I need to disentangle myself but at the same time I cant abandon her. She is & has been for a long time suicidal & if she killed herself I dont know how I could cope with that. Just the knowledge that she has at times put a stanley knife to her throat hard enough to draw blood makes me sweat with fear. The rational part of me says its not in my control & she controls whether or not she gets better or worse, takes her meds or not, sees her psych or not. The humanitarian side of me says this world is in such a mess BECAUSE we remove ourselves from responsibility to the care & welfare of others.

This is not just an emotional response to a person I used to love & care deeply about, it is also an intellectual view I have held for a long time before I even met her. If only we cared more about others, this world would be such a better place!

So what do I do?

[babyducks]

NachaLuva,

You have a lot going on that is very difficult to handle.  

From what you wrote it is clear you have real reasons to be concerned about your own safety.   To me, that is of paramount importance.   Its like the drill you get in an airplane,  put your own mask on first before you go to help anyone else.   While you have worries about your safety you can not function as well as you would like.

My experience was when I broke up with my EX, she had an episode of dissociation that was significant enough that she appeared frankly psychotic.  I could not rely on some one experiencing psychological trauma to advocate or protect me.   Just wasn't going to happen.

Please put your safety first and the safety of the people around you.   Its much easier to have think these things through while not in the middle of crisis.

I would suggest that you consider changing your route to work, where you normally park your car and the keys to all your locks.   Chances are you might never need those precautions but better to be safe than sorry.

I would also suggest you seriously consider saving the text messages in the event that you need to file a restraining order.

I think the second most important thing you described is her deteriorating condition.  I know you understand that BPD is a serious mental disorder.   I understand that you are worried for her and want to help her.   I would like to gently suggest that perhaps you are not the person to be able to help right now.   At this level of volatility she requires a calm dispassionate voice and you, by the very nature of your relationship and its breakup, are a trigger for her.

Can I ask, who is helping you with all the trauma being inflicted on you?  :)o you have a therapist?  Close friends?

It is not okay to either have people threaten you or to allow people to threaten you.   Period.

If you are going to enforce boundaries you must do it consistently.  So please think carefully about that.  When she pushes against your boundaries have you chosen one that you will be able to enforce?

I honestly hope the best for your girlfriend.   We all here understand how brutal this disorder is.   And while it sounds trite, the best thing you can do is care for yourself.

Do not add drama, emotion, volatility or instability to mix.   Avoid pouring gas on the fire.  If the conversation or the texting heats up and heads in a negative direction, give yourself an out.   Say something like "this is starting to get difficult, I will talk to you tomorrow when we are both doing better".  In your own words of course.   you then have to follow through on what you said.  

If you are concerned about her well being consider if you would/could ask for a wellness check from your local authorities.  

I am sure other people will be along to offer practical advice.   In the mean time I hope this gets you started.

Please take this very seriously.

babyducks

[HealingForMe]

Thanks babyducks,

Yes you're right, I need to look after myself first. I do have my own psych I'll be seeing next week, so I'll have a lot to talk to her about.

I have already saved texts just in case I need to defend myself against accusations. I need to find a program to save texts to my PC in the same format as appears on the phone, ie, in that blue & yellow conversation style.

I'll get new locks tomorrow. If nothing else it will give me peace of mind.

I've already started parking my car up the end of the drive next to my bedroom instead of the front yard.

But at the same time, I dont feel its right to abandon her when this is her #1 greatest fear. I understand what you're saying about triggers, so I dont contact her, I wait till she texts me first & reply only if she's being nice.

My concern is I'm enabling her self-pity & "victim" mentality when I reply when she is feeling down & needing reassurance. It just goes against all my instincts to not nurture her when she needs it, but I fear this is reinforcing that behaviour

[growing_wings]

But at the same time, I dont feel its right to abandon her when this is her #1 greatest fear. I understand what you're saying about triggers, so I dont contact her, I wait till she texts me first & reply only if she's being nice.

My concern is I'm enabling her self-pity & "victim" mentality when I reply when she is feeling down & needing reassurance. It just goes against all my instincts to not nurture her when she needs it, but I fear this is reinforcing that behaviour

Hay Nachaluva

what you write above is interesting to read.

I used to think like you, the first week i left my ex i was in so much pain thinking i was "abandoning her", so i kept very minimum contact, non emotional, boring one liners, why? because if she felt truly abandoned then i knew that would be very painful for her. However, i had a direct intention to reduce contact to none, i did not offer help nor "saving" options, i kept the minimum contact very minimum. If you continue to talk to her, she will continue to engage with you, using any ways or means to attract your attention (including lying about son, etc).

you need to take care of yourself as priority, as what babyducks already said...

I know you want to help her, but are you really capable/equipped to help her? i know in the case of my ex i wasnt. I was not equipped to help her... . only a professional could help her if she is willing to get better.

stay safe.

[babyducks]

Nacha,

Its sounds like you have made a good start at putting yourself in a better place.   


I also picked up on the same thing growing wings did.

But at the same time, I dont feel its right to abandon her when this is her #1 greatest fear. I understand what you're saying about triggers, so I dont contact her, I wait till she texts me first & reply only if she's being nice.

My concern is I'm enabling her self-pity & "victim" mentality when I reply when she is feeling down & needing reassurance. It just goes against all my instincts to not nurture her when she needs it, but I fear this is reinforcing that behaviour

I understand it doesn't feel right to abandon her.   I know from my own experience there are lots of complicated reasons why it doesn't feel right to walk away from a r/s of this nature. 

While everyone of us is different and every r/s unique there are some very recognizable patterns about how these things play out. 

With complete respect for what you are going through I'd suggest that your feelings of abandoning her and her reality are totally different things.   While it's important to acknowledge how you feel, you don't necessarily have to act on it. 

I am just some text on a screen but from here, what you describe is a relationship that she was actively undermining, destroying and abusing.   How can you participate in a r/s where you are not afforded respect or dignity?

I too have nurture instincts.   Probably too many of them.     I kind of like that about me.   Today I get to choose how much and who I nurture.

BPD is a serious mental disorder, and people who have the traits have a very difficult time self soothing.   One of the hallmarks of the disorder.   Its up to her to take action to make herself feel better.  Its not your job.

I am not saying to be cold or cruel to her.   I am not saying never offer support.  I am suggesting you do what you can with very clear limits.   It will be better for both of you.   

I went back and read your previous posts and realize now you are very new to this site.  Its a great site with useful tools. 

I'd like to point out on the staying board there are many workshops that are intended to help us  communicate.  Since you are still in contact it might be helpful to review a couple of them.

One of the ones that helped me a great deal was SET.   Support, empathy, truth.   When I speak to my EX, I support first, acknowledge something of what she said, empathize second,  find a way to validate her emotion, and then speak my truth. 

please keep us posted.

babyducks

[babyducks]

here is the link to the SET workshop.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

[Learning_curve74]

Hi nacha, it is both commendable and kind that you want to treat your ex with compassion. Please remember also that she is seriously mentally ill and does not feel or think like you do. You think you cannot enforce boundaries in regards to contact because of her fear of abandonment. The sad fact is that she probably is already feeling abandoned which seems evident from her behaviors. Also in general, isn't it true that to truly overcome fears, human beings must face them rather than run from them?

In any event, the fact that she has so many friends worried about her well being that are willing to threaten you means she has plenty of people to lean on. Do you feel that you are the only person in this world that can "save" her?

It's hard emotionally to process the end of a BPD relationship especially when we are compassionate and caring individuals. Please take care of yourself. 

[HealingForMe]

I know what you're all saying, that I'm not the one to be caring for her mental health. She needs professional help for that plus the support of friends & family. Trouble is she's turning her back on her psych & her family ranges from mentally ill to full blown psychotic! Plus she only has 2 friends & they are both worse enablers than I am, with no idea about BPD.

Atm, my focus is just on getting her back to seeing her psych & back on meds. I'll try doing that with clear boundaries.

I'll also go through the S.E.T technique.

Something that I've always resented in our r/s is the need for me to take on the role of a pseudo psych. I'm not a psych & I'm not very good at these things. I'm a very blunt, open, honest kinda guy who wears his heart on his sleeve. Tact & subtlety are 2 skills that have always evaded me! But I'll give it a go. If nothing else it will improve my social skills 

[growing_wings]

I'll also go through the S.E.T technique.

Hi Nachaluva

it is good that you have clear goals. I think the best board for you to get the support you need is on the staying/leaving board? take a look and post questions there that can give you more perspective on how to use the technique effectively. Keep in mind your own needs as you go through it.

Undecided Board: Staying or Leaving

also, there is an article on how to help a loved one get treatment. You might want to take a look at this to help you.

Helping a loved one with BPD seek treatment

do you think above links can help you?

[HealingForMe]

there is an article on how to help a loved one get treatment. You might want to take a look at this to help you.

Helping a loved one with BPD seek treatment

do you think above links can help you?

I'll have a look at this one, thanks 

Re the "undecided" board, I'm not undecided, I have already left & in my mind there is no possibility of reconciliation. The more I stand back & look objectively at our r/s, the more I realise she never loved me, she just used me for support, validation & enabling. This is why all those many many times I tried talking to her about her "giving" back to the relationship, she not only dismissed my feelings but would insult me in the process with comments like "be a man" or "stop whinging". I know a r/s will never be totally equal, one will always give more than the other, but she only took & never ever gave. I'm so over it .

[growing_wings]

Re the "undecided" board, I'm not undecided, I have already left & in my mind there is no possibility of reconciliation. The more I stand back & look objectively at our r/s, the more I realise she never loved me, she just used me for support, validation & enabling. This is why all those many many times I tried talking to her about her "giving" back to the relationship, she not only dismissed my feelings but would insult me in the process with comments like "be a man" or "stop whinging". I know a r/s will never be totally equal, one will always give more than the other, but she only took & never ever gave. I'm so over it .

Hey NL... sounds like you are determined to leave, which is good.  keep posting how it goes and how we can best support you 

keep in mind the point at which you will go no contact then (or minimum contact... . )

[HealingForMe]

Thanks guys, it helps knowing I have support here.

GW, yep, there's no going back. I've found myself feeling angry at the way I've been (mis)treated, for the amount I've poured into this r/s. I've given so much & received so little in return!

But I still feel very sorry for her, she's had a horrendous childhood & endured things no person should have to endure. So I feel I still need to help her, I still want her to be healthy & happy. But I know ultimately that's up to her... .

A moment of sadness tonight. I changed the locks. Its not just physically locking her out of my house, metaphorically I'm locking her out of my life  :'(

[growing_wings]

A moment of sadness tonight. I changed the locks. Its not just physically locking her out of my house, metaphorically I'm locking her out of my life  :'(

Detaching is a painful process... . it is. especially if "saving" her is important for you.

for me, it was super important, i felt i was the ONE that could save her, that without me she would just crumble... . the reality? after 2.5 months, she is OK, she is "happy", she might even be better without me triggering her. She made a clear effort to show me she had moved on 2 weeks after, when i was still processing what happened... .

be patience in your detaching... . we all do it at different pace

[HealingForMe]

Thanks, but its not easy. On the one hand, I feel like I'm abandoning her. On the other, I'm battling feelings of anger for how I've been treated. It really was psychological abuse, where she would portray me as the abuser! (projection). I guess its all part of the healing process... .

[babyducks]

Nacha,

Of course you are battling many complex emotions, it's only natural that you would be.  You have a lot going on.

Margalis Fjelstad wrote that the relationship instability of people with the traits of BPD manifest in the following ways:

• instantly falls in love or instantly ends a relationship with no logical explanation



• hostile devaluing attacks on loved ones while being charming and pleasant to strangers



• overidealization of others, difficulty allowing others to be less than perfect, be vulnerable or make mistakes



• having trouble being alone even for short periods of time, yet push others away by picking fights



• blaming, accusing and attacking loved ones for small and even trivial mistakes or incidents



• may try and avoid anticipated rejection by rejecting the other person first



• difficulty feeling loved if the other person is not around



• unwilling to recognize and respect the limits of others



• demand rights, commitments and behaviors from others that hey are not willing or able to reciprocate

For me personally the one that leaps off that list is the 'unwilling to recognize and respect the limits of others'.  I think that is the one that broke me in the end.  Like most of us here I poured tons of energy and emotion into our relationship.  I truly felt that I had found my soulmate, some one I could spend the rest of my life with.   I believed that with perfect faith.   And acted on it to the best of my ability.

And yet when I tried to put limits, even very small ones, around how much giving and changing I was doing, her reactions became very unstable.   And then I got the psychological abuse you were talking about.  The subtle or not so subtle messages about how it was all my fault,  I wasn't doing enough,  I didn't love her enough.  It was brutal stuff to go through and took a huge toll.

It takes all of us some time to sort through the difficult and complex emotions that swirl in these break ups.   These are not normal break ups.   Eventually we get to a place of understanding, that these were loaded relationships.  On both sides.

Hang in there and concentrate on being very good to yourself.   Its important that you put good things in your life right now.   Exercise, sleep, food and gentle care.

babyducks

[HealingForMe]

For me it was

"demand rights, commitments and behaviors from others that hey are not willing or able to reciprocate"

I gave so much & she was totally unwilling/unable to give back no matter how much I explained to her that I needed her to. All the other stuff I could cope with... . the rages, the insecurity, the projection (that one took a while till I understood what it was she was doing), the inability to accept mistakes or that others are less than perfect but it was the extreme selfishness that got me. Thats what ended it.

Thanks babyducks, you've been so helpful 

[HealingForMe]

My exBPDgf just "accidentally" texted me. I used that opportunity to ask her about her dog, which I have been looking after. She had agreed to me finding her a new home, but those texts were lost. So I asked her again if she wanted me still & through the abuse & accusations, she agreed. So I have saved the texts to her my PC now. It was my worry that if I found her a new home, she would turn around & say she never gave me permission & then she could prob press charges or at least harass me. But now I have proof, so I feel a little relieved about one thing at least.

I also found I wasnt upset by her abuse & accusations as much as previously, so I guess the healing process is moving forward 

[HealingForMe]

Last night she texted me with wild swings from "I miss you" to "I hate you" & back to "I'm sorry, please help me". We texted back & forth for a while as I battled my feelings for her, esp pity. I feel so sorry for her... .

Then just now she was back to her old self again with a long abusive text. She even managed to finish it off with a "dont reply or I'll call the police & press charges"! So she'll get her wish & I wont reply. I'm getting better at boundaries, there was a time when I couldnt help but respond to some of the crap in her text but now I think I'm better at resisting it.

& suddenly the feelings of pity & confusion for her are gone like a bad smell in the wind

[HealingForMe]

I received a barrage of abusive texts tonight after a weeks silence. She then threatened to cut herself (emotional blackmail). I wanted to respond but thought this might actually encourage the threats. Anyway, I decided to set a boundary & told her "I'm not going to talk to you if you cant be nice". After a few more abusive texts she seemed to be calming down a bit so I told her there were a few things I wanted to talk about if we could do so calmly. But then the abuse began again so I ignored her. 20min later she sent me a MMS of her cut wrist.

I sent her a text of sympathy but I really dont know what to do! I have to set boundaries, I need to talk to her about a few things. I'm worried that by replying when she cuts it will encourage it but if I ignore her when she cuts it seems cold & heartless. I wish I knew what to do!